She shook her head again, unable to take her eyes off him, even though she wanted to. She wanted to break the stare, close the door, go back inside and get on with her life. But how could she do that? How could she really do that when they had Ozzie? There was a part of her that just wanted to walk away from Coby and forget him, but that wasn’t ever going to be possible now.
‘We can be a family again, Lex. We can do that, and we can make it work.’
She finally broke the stare, looking down at the ground; at the discarded bunch of flowers lying on the doorstep, and she couldn’t stop herself from smiling. ‘I can’t believe you bought fucking flowers.’
She raised her gaze, and the second their eyes met they both burst out laughing.
‘Jesus, Coby, you’re killing me here.’
He took another step forward, and this time she didn’t stop him. She’d been stopping him for weeks and all of a sudden she was exhausted.
‘This is a crazy life, Lex. You should know that by now, darlin’. It’s a crazy fucking ride and I can’t guarantee that it’s ever gonna be anything but that. All I can guarantee is that I love you. I’ve loved you for a long, long time and I know – I know that what I did, it was wrong. On so many levels it was wrong…’
‘You fucked my sister.’ She’d said the words so many times, and every time it never ceased to pierce her heart with a stinging pain. It hurt like hell. And sometimes she wondered if she could have coped with this a whole lot better if he’d just fucked some random woman, someone she’d never seen, never met and didn’t know the name of. Would that have been easier to deal with?
‘I can’t turn back the clock, Lexi. If I could I would, darlin’. But I am begging you now…’ He got down on one knee, and Lexi threw back her head, sighing quietly.
‘Jesus… What are you doing?’
‘Marry me, Lexi. Come on, kid, let’s just do this. We’ve been pissing around for almost three months now, and we both know how it’s really gonna end.’
She raised an eyebrow. ‘Get up, Coby.’
‘Marry me.’
‘Coby… it isn’t that easy.’
‘I’m not talking about next week. I’m not even talking about next month, or next year. We’ve got work to do, I know that. We’re broken, we need fixing, I get that. I lost the club presidency, and I deserved that, I can deal with that. But losing you? Not so much.’
‘Just get up. I can’t take you seriously down there.’
He stood back up, and when he reached out to touch her cheek she didn’t stop him. It was the first time he’d touched her since that day – their wedding day. The wedding that had never happened. ‘I was lucky they didn’t kick me out of the club for good, Lex. And I know that was down to you.’
She took his hand and gently removed it from her cheek. Small steps. He could handle small steps.
‘I didn’t hate you enough to take everything from you.’
‘But you could’ve done. You had the power.’
‘Ozzie needs his dad close. I did it for him.’
‘Just for him?’
Their eyes locked. ‘I don’t know if I can do this, Coby.’
‘I love you, Lexi.’
‘I know. I know you do, but that…’ She pulled back from him. ‘I don’t know.’
‘One more chance, kid. And if I fuck up this time, you can kick me from here to the next century, and I’ll deserve it, but please, darlin’ – one more chance.’
She leaned back against the wall, staring down at her feet. ‘Can’t say I miss being Queen of the compound. I never really was a born leader.’ Raising her gaze she stared right into his eyes, cocking her head. ‘Ozzie’s in the living room, if you want to go see him.’
Coby frowned slightly, stepping further into the hall. ‘Lexi, I…’
She gently pushed the front door closed. ‘Let’s just see how it goes, OK?’
***
Lifting his head he winced as a sharp bolt of pain shot through it, causing him to briefly close his eyes, just until it passed. It was his own fault. He hadn’t been eating properly – the amount of alcohol he consumed way overtook the amount of food he ate. And he was sure he’d lost weight, he could feel his clothes hanging looser on his body now. He had to put that right. It was time to come out from the shadows now. Everyone else had moved on, and he had to do the same. There were things that needed to be done. People he needed to see. A life to live. He just had to go out there and get it.
Twenty-Eight
Swinging her feet up on to the table, Mia took a swig of beer and a large bite of the burger Drake had just handed her. Six feet four with close-cropped dark hair, too many tattoos to mention and built like a man nobody was going to mess with in a hurry, Mia had gravitated towards Drake since her arrival back with the Newcastle Lone Riders. He wasn’t a new member. He’d been a prospect with Charlie’s chapter for just under a year after his arrival in north-east England from Nevada, and was patched in just before Mia had been sent to the States, so he didn’t have a great deal of knowledge about her past with Lennie, apart from whatever Charlie and the rest of the guys had chosen to tell him. And she was grateful for that. She’d come home for a fresh start, a clean break, so raking over the past wasn’t something she wanted to do.
‘I like a woman who enjoys her food.’ Drake grinned at her as she handed him the burger. He took a huge mouthful himself. ‘And I like a woman who shares it even more.’
‘I eat shit like this on a regular basis and I’m not gonna be a pretty sight.’ She took another big bite, handing the remainder to Drake.
‘You’ll always be a pretty sight,’ Drake said, his eyes briefly meeting hers, and she couldn’t help but smile. Although they’d been hanging out a lot since her return to the U.K., their relationship had never moved on from friendship. She wasn’t sure she was ready for anything other than that right now. Not yet. Things were still too raw.
‘Yeah. You really know how to turn that charm on, huh?’ She smiled again, taking another swig of beer.
He shrugged, shoving the last of the burger into his mouth.
‘Even if you do have the manners of a caveman.’
‘Bitch!’ He laughed, nudging her feet off the table. ‘Women love that side of me, you just ain’t seeing it yet.’
‘Whatever.’ She grinned at him, and he laughed again.
‘Another beer?’
‘You need to ask?’
‘Don’t go anywhere. We’re gonna have that arm wrestling match later, y’hear?’
She nodded, a warm feeling flooding her stomach. She felt safe here. This was where she belonged, back with her father, in the city she called home. Paradise had been a great place, for a short time, but it held too many memories now. And anyway, she couldn’t ever go back there, could she?
Quickly pushing those thoughts aside, she allowed more positive things to break through again. She was getting her life back together. She was working in the bike shop Charlie co-owned in Newcastle, she had her old friends back by her side, and Ben Salter – Benjamin Almeda, whoever he’d really been – he was nothing but a distant memory. He was gone. And she’d stopped feeing sad about that. Stopped feeling guilty. She’d loved him – or she’d loved a part of him, anyway, because he was a complex man she’d ceased to understand, in the end. But they’d shared something, once. And it had been hard to let go of it completely, in the beginning. But she was there now. She’d reached the point where the memories were fading.
Walking outside, into the compound, she shivered slightly as a cool breeze hit her bare arms. She still wasn’t completely used to the change in temperature now she was back home. North-east England wasn’t a place known for its balmy weather, except for a couple of days in July, maybe.
‘Here, put this on.’
She felt someone drape a leather jacket around her shoulders and she turned to face Drake, smiling up at him. It was strange, how she seemed to smile a whole lot more when he was around. ‘Thanks. Sometimes I f
orget I’m not in California anymore.’ They sat down on the low wall outside the clubhouse. ‘You must miss the warmer weather, too. I mean, coming from Nevada...’
He looked down at his clasped hands. ‘It’s about the only thing I miss about back home.’ He raised his gaze, their eyes meeting, a slight smile on his hard but handsome face. ‘Anyway, this is my home now.’
She returned his smile, pulling his jacket tighter around her. ‘Yeah. I guess it is... Look, Drake, can I ask you something?’
‘Anything you like, darlin’.’
‘Has Charlie asked you to, I dunno, look after me? Y’know, keep an eye on me?’
‘No, Mia, he hasn’t. I mean, he kinda asked all the guys – and girls – here to make sure you were OK, but that’s something he’d do for anyone, and you know that.’
‘Yeah.’ She sighed, staring straight out ahead of her. ‘I know. I’m just paranoid, I guess.’
‘There’s nothing wrong with being looked after.’
She turned back to face him, smiling slightly. ‘Yeah. I know that, too.’
He dropped his gaze, looking back down at his clasped hands. ‘I really like you, Mia. And I know you don’t want to go rushing into anything…’
‘I like you, too, Drake. But you’re right. I’m just not ready for – for anything even resembling a relationship. I mean, I have made some really bad choices and…’
He looked up. ‘You think I’d be a bad choice?’
‘No, I… No. I didn’t mean it like that. I mean, I don’t really know you, do I?’ It was her turn to look away. ‘But maybe that’s where I’ve been going wrong.’
‘Friends, huh?’
Her eyes met his, and they both smiled. ‘Yeah. Friends.’
He held out his hand and she took it, a tiny frisson of electricity shooting up her arm as he squeezed it gently. ‘With benefits?’ he asked, arching an eyebrow, and she couldn’t help laughing.
‘Nice try, big guy.’ She leaned over to kiss his cheek.
‘Mia!’
She looked up at the sound of Charlie’s voice, handing Drake his jacket as she got up off the wall. ‘Better go see what he wants. I’ll come get that beer in a bit, OK?’
Walking across the yard to Charlie’s car, she stopped just in front of him, folding her arms against her to try and keep herself warm.
‘Everything OK?’ Charlie asked, looking over her shoulder at the clubhouse, the sounds of a friendly, full-blown party in full swing spilling out into the compound.
‘Everything’s fine. You need something?’ Mia watched his expression change slightly, not missing the way his eyes dipped just a touch.
‘Is something wrong, Dad?’
‘No,’ he sighed, raking a hand through his hair. ‘At least, I hope not.’
Mia frowned. ‘OK… Do you want to tell me what’s happened?’
‘Listen, Mia, there’s someone here to see you. And I’m not even sure I should have…’
‘Ben,’ she whispered. There was no need for Charlie to finish the sentence. She knew. Ben was here.
***
He couldn’t stop himself from fiddling with his watch strap; uncharacteristic nerves were really kicking in now. Looking down at his wrist he suddenly realized he hadn’t changed the time to GMT. Checking the clock on the wall he tried to alter his watch, but his fingers were suddenly too clumsy to pull out the stem so he just left it. It wasn’t important. He was just looking for a distraction.
Standing up he walked over to the fireplace, leaning over to look at a photograph of Mia, one that had been taken over in Paradise. He recognized the clubhouse in the background. She looked happy, and he couldn’t help wondering if they’d been together then. Had he helped put that smile on her face? Before he’d almost ripped it away completely.
Picking up the photograph he looked at it more closely. Her long dark hair fell loose around her shoulders, her colorful tattoos prominent against the white tank top she was wearing, her incredible legs encased in tight, dark blue jeans. She really was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen, and he’d lost her. His fault. He’d screwed everything up in spectacular fashion.
‘That was the day we went for that picnic, remember? In the old, disused rail yard. Our place.’
Her voice startled him, and he almost dropped the photograph, grabbing it just in time before it fell to the wooden floor. He put it back on the mantelpiece before he turned to look at her, his heart missing that proverbial beat the second his eyes met hers.
‘I was waiting for you to arrive at the compound. You’d just called me, said you were at the deli picking up my favorite blueberry muffins and you wouldn’t be long. Me and Jesse were playing about with the camera on my phone and I guess that photo was a bit of an accident. But it kind of worked, y’know?’
He quickly turned to look at it again, before swinging back around to face her. ‘Yeah. Yeah, it… it definitely works.’
‘What are you doing here, Ben?’
‘I need to see you.’
‘You look like crap, do you know that?’
‘Looking after myself hasn’t really been at the top of my agenda these past couple of months.’
‘I can’t feel sorry for you. Not anymore.’
‘I know.’ He sighed quietly, running a hand across the back of his neck. ‘I know that what I did, that day especially…’
‘You lied to me.’ Her voice was calm, controlled, and that only served to make Ben’s heart crack that little bit more. ‘You said you’d put a stop to it…’
‘And I tried…’
‘So you could take control. What’ve you come here for, Ben? To say you’re sorry?’
‘I am sorry, Mia…’
‘Empty words.’
‘And I don’t know what else I can say. I don’t know who I was back then, Mia, I really don’t. I lost control, I spiralled, I… I just lost it. And I couldn’t get it back, couldn’t see a way to make anything better. I’d lost you, and that – that was something I couldn’t get over. Something I couldn’t see a way back from.’
‘You were gonna kill yourself, Ben… Jesus! I mean, what the hell were you thinking?’
‘I wasn’t. I wasn’t thinking. All I could see was this red fucking mist, and all I wanted to do was seek some kind of revenge on people who’d helped take away everything I’d ever cared about…’
‘Self-pity really isn’t an attractive trait.’
He leaned back against the fireplace, bowing his head and closing his eyes. ‘When you gave me that gun, when you told me to finish the job…’ He lifted his head, his eyes locking with hers, ‘did you mean it?’
She stared back at him for a few long beats, saying nothing. He couldn’t read her expression, couldn’t see anything in her eyes that gave him any hope but he was trying to remain positive. He needed her to be OK with him, to understand that he’d messed up, but he was putting that right.
‘I don’t know,’ she finally replied, her eyes remaining locked with his.
‘And if I’d done what you’d asked – if I’d finished the job, how would that have made you feel?’
‘Are you trying to lay some guilt trip on me here? Because I’ve moved on. All of that, everything that happened, it’s over. I’ve moved on. You should try and do the same.’
He broke the stare, walking over to the window, looking out across the open fields Charlie’s house backed on to. It was a peaceful, calming view, a complete polar opposite to the clubhouse and the compound. ‘I took some time out, after that day. Me and Sol, I think we both knew that after everything…’ He closed his eyes again, squeezing them tight shut, as though doing that would change the situation; make it easier to explain. ‘He needed to take control, of the club, and he thought that having me there by his side – he thought that would help me.’ He laughed quietly; a dry, humorless laugh. ‘I had to get away from that life, not walk straight back into it.’ He turned around, his eyes once more meeting hers. ‘I spent some time up in the mounta
ins. Sol has a place up there. It’s kind of isolated, but that’s what I needed, at the time. I needed to be alone. Needed some time to think, to get my head back together.’
‘How long were you up there?’ Her voice was gentler now, a little softer.
‘Almost three months. I only left there a couple of days ago, went to see Sol – I needed some money, something to help get me back on my feet, and Hector he’d…’ He stopped talking, aware that he was rambling slightly now. ‘My father may have been a bastard, but everything he had he left to me, Sol and Livvy. And Sol’s a good man. He’s made sure I’m OK.’
‘You were alone? All that time?’
‘I went out to get food. There was a little store not far from the house, the kind of place where everyone’s friendly but they know when not to ask questions. I could keep myself to myself but still have a little bit of human company.’ He smiled a smile that didn’t reach the eyes. ‘But, yeah, apart from those visits I was alone. It was the way I wanted it. I had a lot to get my head around.’
Mia sat down on the arm of the couch, clasping her hands together. ‘You scared me, Ben. You changed. I lost the man I fell in love with…’
‘And I don’t think I can ever be that man again, Mia. That was just one of the things I had to accept. Yes, I’d changed. I’m not the man you fell in love with, I’m not Ben Salter. But I’m not Benjamin Almeda either.’ He leaned back against the window-sill. ‘I guess you could say I’m a little bit of both.’
‘Is that a good thing?’
‘Ben Salter knows how to be a good man, and Benjamin Almeda knows how to look after himself. It’s just a case of making sure I keep that balance. The best of both men.’
‘Was Benjamin Almeda ever a good man?’ Mia asked, her voice quiet and tinged with something that bordered on cynicism.
‘I think he was, Mia. Before the crap took hold and he let Hector take over. I should have stood up to him a lot sooner. That’s something both me and Sol regret – not standing up to him sooner. For a long time we let him win, and that almost destroyed everything.’
Resurrection (The Lone Riders MC Series Book 3) Page 20
