by Lou Cameron
There was a collective intake of outraged breath. The self-appointed spokesman’s voice dropped to a soft thoughtful purr as he said, “I guess you know now one of us has to die, eh?”
“Be my guest, Chico. I’m betting five rounds of .38 it won’t be me.”
“Hey, that’s not fair! When you mention an hombres mother you owe him a mano a mano and I only got this knife!”
“Tough titty. I owe you as much as I owe a banana. They’re yellow and come at a guy in bunches, too. Your mother still fucks and your father sucks. So make your move or get lost. I haven’t time for kid games.”
The gang did neither. They had no choice. Because suddenly a voice speaking Spanish with a Welsh accent called out, “What have we here? Don’t anybody move until we find out!”
From the other side another voice snapped, “That makes it double. So’s this shotgun, so make a break for it and let’s see if you spies run faster than buckshot!”
Captain Gringo was feeling a lot better now than the Mexican punks, as he saw at least a dozen gun barrels trained on them from all around. He called out, “That you, Major Royce?” and the big Welshman growled, “No, it’s the flaming Prince of Wales. Lucky for you we patrol a bit at night, Walker. What are you doing in this slum at this hour?”
“Took a short cut and got lost. I was just asking these guys for directions. What’s with the guns?”
“What are guns usually for? Weren’t these greasers trying to jump you, just now?”
“Do I look jumped? We were just kidding around. This one guy here has a rustic sense of humor, but I get along all right with the people down here.”
“It didn’t sound like it. Why are we speaking Spanish, by the way?”
“Wanted my pals, here, to know what we were talking about. I think you’re making them nervous enough with those shotguns, Major. Could we all act a little friendlier, for God’s sake? I was just messing around with some kids out looking for a good time. It’s no big deal.”
Royce moved closer, lowering the muzzle of his shotgun, but not much, as he said, “Right, let’s get a look at your playmates.”
He stared thoughtfully at the one who’d been making all the war talk and said, “Don’t I know you, and didn’t I kick your ass and tell you to stay in your own part of town, muchacho?”
The youth gulped and said, “I do not know who you might have kicked, señor. But this is my part of town! That is for why I was so happy to show this other caballero the way back to the center, eh?”
“Is that straight, Walker?”
“Sure, why would I lie?”
Royce thought a moment, then shrugged, “You wouldn’t, unless you were bonkers, look you. Let’s go, lads. If this lot is harmless, that’s not saying every greaser in town is.”
Captain Gringo started to say he’d go with them. But that would have sounded dumb. So as the patrol passed out of earshot he warned the Mexicans around him, “They’ll be right back if you make me fire one shot, you know.” The boy who’d been doing all the talking nodded soberly and said, “We know. It’s over. But why, señor?”
“Do you know what they’d have done to you, all of you, if I’d said anything else?”
“Si, that Major has killed more than one of us in the past few days. But are you not one of his men?”
“I’m a soldier of fortune, not a child molester. So if you children will just get the hell out of my way, we can forget about it.”
They got the hell out of his way. He kept the gun out as he moved on up the calle, but nobody followed. One of the gang members frowned after him, muttering, “Walker? Walker? hey! You know who that was just now, Paco? It was that simpatico one! The hombre they call Captain Gringo!”
The gang leader gasped and asked, “En verdad? The one who killed all those motherfucking Rurales down in Quintana Roo a while back?”
“It has to be him. Who else is named Walker and does not hesitate to mention a man’s mother when he is outnumbered?”
Paco made the sign of the cross and said, “Madre de Dios, to think I mentioned his mother, too, and I am still alive! Vamanos, muchachos, I am buying at the cantina tonight, for I have much to celebrate! Oh, wait until I tell the girls that I, Paco Robles, am a friend of Captain Gringo himself!”
“Paco, I mean no disrespect, but would that be strictly true? Captain Gringo did not seem very friendly to any of us as he left just now.”
“Don’t be stupid. Of course he was being friendly. Did he shoot any of us? Did he let those others shoot us? Madre de Dios, he lied to his own kind for to save our asses. How much more friendly could a man of action be? What else would you have had him do, kiss me? I owe he big bastard my very life, and so I say he is my friend, and so I say that if any bastard in the barrio ever says one word against my pal, Captain Gringo, I, Paco Robles, will kill him and fuck all his sisters!”
*
Lucrecia wasn’t waiting for him in his room when he let himself in back at the house. He didn’t want to fall asleep. So first he went back down to the kitchen to brew himself some black coffee. Then he took the pot with him as he went exploring for some quiff to kill the main part of the night.
As he passed the upstairs doors a second time he noticed, this time, no light was coming from under Gaston’s guest room, but something was up in the biology lab between. As he passed it he heard a woman sobbing incoherently. He took the coffee and cups to his own room, put them down by the bed, and went back to see who needed to be rescued this time.
He dropped to one knee and peered through the big old-fashioned keyhole. Then he bit his knuckles to keep from laughing. Their gray but remarkably well stacked hostess wasn’t on the leather chesterfield Gaston had mentioned. Gaston was, naked, and old Prunella was on the floor on her hands and knees, sucking him like crazy. She was not alone down there, however. A big Great Dane he’s never seen before had mounted her from behind, so Prunella was fucking and sucking at the same time, sort of. All three of them seemed to be enjoying the novel experiment in biology.
Captain Gringo found the sight a bit rich for his blood. But, damn, old Prunella sure had a great shape and Gaston, damn him, had not only gotten to her first but was wasting it cm a fucking dog!
Captain Gringo grimaced and got back to his feet, muttering to himself as he went back to his own room. He felt really stupid as he undressed, because now he had a hard-on for some reason and he faced hours of time to kill with nobody to put it in. He knew if he knocked discreetly Gaston would ask him to join the orgy. But a guy had to draw the line some damned where and going sloppy seconds to a slavering beast had to be about it.
But all was not lost. For as he sat on the bed sipping coffee the door opened and Lucrecia came in, smiling shyly, as she had every right to, since she didn’t have a stitch on.
She sat on the bed beside him, giggling, as he got rid of his cup in a hurry and didn’t waste much time cupping one of her pretty brown breasts in one hand as he lowered her to the mattress. She said, “I heard you come in, but I was taking a bath for to make myself adorable to you.” He said she sure had as he nibbled her ear, inhaling the sweet perfume of her freshly washed hair while he ran the hand down to another nice clean place to treat it dirty. She said, “Some other officers came for to call on you earlier, querido. Your friend, Gaston, said you might not be home tonight. It made me feel so bad.”
“You don’t feel so bad right now. Did they say what they wanted?”
“Something about going on a patrol with you, or you going on a patrol somewhere. I do not know much about such things. What is a patrol, Deek?”
“Trouble, if you don’t do it right. Was the man in command a Major Royce?”
“No, his nombre was Smeeth, I think. I had not seen him around town before. I know this Royce you speak of. He is muy malo. All our people are afraid of him.”
“That sounds reasonable. Did they say if they’d be coming back, or if?”
“Si, manana, after breakfast. Could you move your h
and a little faster, por favor? I am starting to feel confused again down there.”
He didn’t want to confuse her about the facts of life. So he mounted her properly and made her come the old-fashioned way. She said she was starting to get the hang of it now, and in fact seemed brave as hell tonight. So, knowing newcomers to sex are really curious about all the dirty stories as much or more than they’re really in love, he spent an enjoyable few hours breaking the erstwhile virgin in. She said La Señora had already told her how to keep from getting in trouble, and that what she really wanted to learn was whether it was true a woman didn’t feel she’d really possessed a man until he’d ejaculated in her all three ways.
Long before they ran out of steam, Lucrecia had possessed him completely and she said it made her feel very fulfilled as well as grateful. Then she told him she would love him forever and fell asleep. She was full of it, no doubt, and he felt sort of sorry for the next hombre the little monster he’d created decided to possess, unless the guy was in good shape.
He started feeling sort of sorry for himself, too, when he found out how loud Lucrecia snored. He consulted his watch, saw it was the wrong time to be doing anything but sleeping, but decided to give old Hector a shot, anyway. As he tiptoed past the lab door, the light was still on. He grinned, took a peep, and wished he hadn’t. They’d gone out to the cages to get a tapir, and a tapir was a silly-looking beast even when it wasn’t humping a naked woman. Gaston was on the chesterfield alone, reading a book. That seemed reasonable.
He moved without incident through the dark streets of Progreso with the machine gun action under one arm. At the herrera he found old Hector was still up. The blacksmith handed him a rod of almost perfectly round blue steel and asked him how he liked it. He said, “I like it a lot. How did you finish it so smoothly, viejo?”
Hector smiled modestly to reply, “With my hammer, of course. Rough hammer work is only for to look antique. A good smith can do anything with steel.”
“Bueno. How much do I owe you?”
“Owe me? Do you mean I have worked half the night for to be insulted, Captain Gringo? How much do I owe you, for the honor of my grandchild, you stupid Yanqui?”
Captain Gringo apologized and took both the rod and the action to the machine shop on the quay. He still had a couple of hours before dawn and few businesses opened that early in any case. So he relit the lamp, cranked up the one lung engine, and after experimenting with a switchboard put together by a mad scientist, had the machinery he needed at least hooked up.
Thanks to his own guestimate and old Hector’s skill, the length of tough steel didn’t need half as much work as he’d anticipated. He decided the few hammer marks that showed didn’t matter and skipped turning it to a smaller diameter once he saw it would fit okay.
The length was more critical. He had to cut twice with the power saw and grind it to an even closer fit with a tool-sharpening wheel. That took a lot longer than threading both ends with the screw-cutting lathe. Then, for a few cursing minutes, it still didn’t want to go. But with a little filing of the parts it was supposed to mesh with as well, he had the mechanism together just as the first light of dawn was streaming in the dusty windows. He turned everything off, put everything back as he’d found it, and let himself out. He still had to test-fire the gun before he’d know whether he’d done anything right, of course. But at least he had something to test now.
As he moved along the quay to avoid cutting through the same dangerous slum, a familiar figure reeled out of the cantina and hailed him. It was Turk Malone. The ex-boxer said, “I just got laid. Some guys are looking for you, kid.”
“To lay me?”
“Naw, something about a patrol. Guy named Smith. Don’t know him. He didn’t come in with our bunch and I’ve never worked with him anywhere else. But he sure seemed anxious to find you”
“So I’ve heard. Where would Colonel Scroggs be, about now?”
“GHQ, at the alcalde’s old office, I guess. You wanna wake him up at this hour?”
“Don’t want to. Ought to, though. A colonel should be less pissed-off than a general and I don’t think Ramos knows what anyone else is doing, anyway, Scroggs would know, if anyone would, what this patrol is all about.”
Turk shrugged and said, “Don’t look at me. I gotta find a place to flop before I wind up in the bay. Jesus, don’t never start the night with white rum and finish it with two colored gals in heat, kid.”
Captain Gringo agreed never to try that and they parted friendly. He moved up a side street. He regretted it when a familiar figure fell in at his side from nowhere. But Paco Robles said, “Hey, amigo. I got something for to show you, eh?”
“What is it?” asked Captain Gringo cautiously, as the young tough reached inside his pants. But all Paco took out was a small shiny object, saying, “One of the girls lifted this last night, after we met you. We were having a party in the barrio for to celebrate making friends with you, see? These two cabrónes came in, uninvited. We could do nothing much about it, because some of the older people were there and they always rat on us to the priest.”
Captain Gringo took the little gilt shield and held it up to the light. He said, “Son of a bitch, this is a U.S. Secret Service badge! You say the guy carrying it crashed your party, Paco?”
“Si, he was with a Mexican. He smelled like a cop, too. They said they came in with that last cargo from Los Estados Unidos Del Norte. Maybe they did. When they started asking questions about you and some Frenchman, I had one of the girls pick the Anglo’s pocket. That is what she found. It was pinned to a wallet, of course, but the girl deserved something for her efforts, no?”
Captain Gringo said, “I owe you, Paco. The SS has been after me for some time and anyone can see a town full of soldiers of fortune would be a good place to look. Did this Anglo go with a name?”
“If he gave his name, I did not hear it. Want me to ask around?”
“Gracias, no. I doubt he’d have given his right one anyway. Wait. If the girl got his wallet, there should have been some I.D. in it.”
Paco shook his head and said, “There wasn’t. He had mucho dinero and that badge attached to the one wallet. She said he had other stuff in the same pocket, but before she could get it all the dance was over and she slipped away before he could reach perhaps for a light. Do you wish for us to kill him, should we see him again, amigo?”
“No. He’s just doing his job. You’ve done enough by tipping me off he’s in town. You say he came in aboard a ship?”
“Not a ship, just a schooner, out of New Orleans with some big boxes for that crazy Cuban general. He gets lots of things from New Orleans. So for why does he take our food without paying for it, eh?”
“War is hell, Paco. Tell me something else. I’ve heard there are Rurales camped out in the jungles around town. Know anything about it?”
Paco shook his head and said, “No. I heard some charcoal burners say they saw some Rurales out in the jungle. But I do not believe it. They may have seen banditos or smugglers. Rurales makes no sense.”
“What does make sense to you, Paco?”
“I think that toad in Mexico City has sold us out to the Cubans, of course. Old Diaz would sell you his mother, cooked to your taste, so why should we be different, eh? If Los Rurales were out there, and meant to do anything about your crazy general, they would have hit you by now. Los Rurales are not sissies. There are not that many of you and, I mean no personal offense, the people here in town would stab you all in the back and shout Viva Diaz as Los Rurales rode in. So that is for why I do not think they mean to. Shit, I could raise a big enough gang for to take you out myself, if only we had the guns.”
Captain Gringo thanked him for his words of cheer and went on back to the house. He found Lucrecia up, making breakfast, and the two lovebirds, or perhaps the two lovebirds and a herd of sex-mad beasts, still sleeping. So he’d assembled the Maxim and loaded it by the time Gaston wandered in, rubbing his eyes, and muttering, “Eh bie
n, whatever you were up to last night, I feel certain it was less disgusting. Have you ever tried to fornicate with a sow while a lady rode it bareback, kissing you fondly?”
“No, should I have?”
“I do not advise it. A lonely sheep herder may be one thing. But to fumble awkwardly with the family pets when one has a perfectly serviceable human pussy at hand, watching, just makes one feel trés silly. Is that thing really ready to fire, Dick?”
“I don’t know. I mean to burn away at least a belt to test it before I go up against anything that can shoot back.”
It didn’t work out that way. They’d just finished breakfast, alone, since Prunella seemed to want to sleep late for some reason, when the same two guys came pounding on the front door. Lucrecia let them in. The one calling himself Major Smith said, “The General’s compliments, gentlemen, and he wants a well-armed combat patrol out to scout for those mysterious Rurales we keep hearing about.”
Captain Gringo growled, “Well armed with what? I told General Ramos the only machine gun we have on hand came with its arming rod missing.”
Smith shrugged and said, “I know. He told us. It can’t be helped. If there’s anybody out there, we’re going to have to dig in. If it’s just a rumor, that’s one hell of a lot of work in this climate for nothing.”
“I’d rather dig in anyway. I can’t see the General with a pick and spade, but it’s not as if we didn’t have plenty of free labor. So far we haven’t paid for one chicken here.”
Smith smiled thinly and replied, “I pointed that out to his nibs. I agree he’s not the greatest general I’ve ever served under. But he’s the only one we’ve got. We’ve been paid to do as he says. So how soon can you guys be ready to go?”
Gaston asked what about a week from Tuesday. But Captain Gringo said, “May as well get it over with this morning, before the sun heats up. Who’ll be going with us, you two?”
The delegation exchanged glances. Then Smith shrugged and said, “May as well. You’d better pick the others, Walker. We’re new here. You’d know the best men to take along.”
