The president said, “Then should I come out against them in my State of the Union speech?”
Rove said, “It can’t hurt. You may lose the baseball player vote, but you will keep the golfer vote.”
The president asked, “Who should sit next to Mrs. Bush in the balcony?”
A writer said, “Rush Limbaugh. And on her other side a professional football player who has been rehabilitated at Betty Ford’s.”
Karl Rove said, “Keep it simple. Appeal to children who watch sporting events on TV and don’t see anything wrong with a hockey player improving his game.”
“Do we have a letter I can read from an eleven-year-old child who thanks me for my message about steroids?” Bush asked.
“I am sure there is one,” the writer replied. “I know we have hundreds about Pete Rose getting in the Hall of Fame.”
“Should we also warn the kids against gambling?” the other writer asked.
Rove replied, “We better not. Bill Bennett may think we are talking about him.”
The president said, “To make sure people know I mean business I want everyone in my administration to take a drug test. I’ll take it out of our Homeland Security budget.”
Rove said, “You come up with all the good ideas, Mr. President.”
A writer agreed, “It will bring the Republicans to their feet.”
Four Letter Words and More
NINETY MILLION PEOPLE watched the Super Bowl, and every one of them claimed he or she saw Janet Jackson’s dance number.
Of the 90 million, 89,995,000 were outraged and demanded to know what the FCC was going to do about it.
But it wasn’t really Janet Jackson who started the ball rolling. It really started when the singer Bono said “F—brilliant!” on the 2003 Golden Globe Awards Show. (Unlike television this is a family newspaper so I cannot use the real word in this column.)
Since the Golden Globes is a NBC network show, the FCC held a hearing, and against Chairman Michael Powell’s wishes, said NBC could not be fined because Bono used the “F” word as an adjective, not as a noun or a verb.
Now here is the problem. The networks may not use cuss words on the air, but if you click to cable you can hear any forbidden phrase in the English language.
Larry David’s Curb Your Enthusiasm is chock full indecent phrases. The Sopranos on HBO tells you what life in New Jersey is really like. George Carlin and Dennis Miller need the expletives to get their laughs.
What has happened lately is women are using the F-word more than ever. Just watch Sex and the City.
On some shows the obscene words have become a mantra. Although network TV and radio are monitored carefully by the FCC, cable gets a free ride because people pay for it. The First Amendment protects what you hear on cable TV.
Cable TV has been a boon for writers because the F-word has made it easier for them to write a script. Every time one of the characters has nothing to say the writer gives them a cuss word.
The FCC ruled, with Powell in the minority, that it is all right to use the F-word as long as it doesn’t describe a sexual act.
Some people ask, “Why do the cable TV shows allow this kind of language on the air?”
The answer is they are appealing to the 18-to-35-year-old age group—the people the advertisers will kill for.
The fact that children and senior citizens are exposed to the curse words is unavoidable.
The cable stations maintain the kids don’t learn the naughty language from their programs. A spokesman said, “They learn it from each other. Even in my house my daughter uses the F-word. I asked her where she learned it and she said from her sixteen-year-old brother in the basement. A study shows that underprivileged children who come from homes without cable TV use profanity as much as those whose parents are cable subscribers. The law is very clear about obscenity. You know it when you hear it.”
Several organizations are in opposition to the expletives on TV and are fighting it. They have a lobbying group in Washington. The problem is most politicians use bad language, particularly during an election year. So where does that leave the rest of us who use it only when angry or frustrated?
I use it sparingly. For example if another car tries to pass me on the road I yell out the window, “*&^%$#c!”
Or if I get a junk telephone call I might retort, “@#$%^ you!” I have to be honest. I used it while watching the State of the Union speech. But it was no big deal. This is still a free country.
When Hollywood is making a war movie every soldier in the picture has to precede a sentence by using a curse word.
That’s all I have to say on the subject. Remember, if you use the F-word, only use it as an adjective and never a noun.
Duck Hunting with Scalia
THE THING SUPREME COURT Justice Antonin Scalia and Vice President Dick Cheney have in common is they both love to shoot ducks.
There’s nothing wrong with that, right? The only thing the anti-duck hunters object to is that Justice Scalia agreed to hear a case in which Cheney was a defendant.
You have to put this in perspective. The Supreme Court hearing had nothing to do with shooting fowl and Scalia refused to recuse himself (bow out) from the cases, saying one thing had nothing to do with the other.
Based on what he said, I imagined what was going on in the duck blind. Both men are knee deep in the marsh wearing camouflage suits.
Bang, bang.
“Good shot, Dick. I think you got one.”
“Go ahead, Tony. They will be taking to the air any moment.”
“Who put out the duck decoys?”
“The Secret Service. They have been working all night. It’s part of Homeland Security.”
“That is a beautiful duck call—almost like the real thing.”
“That’s Don Rumsfeld. He is a master duck caller. He was very flattered that I invited him instead of Colin Powell.”
A few minutes later dozens of mallards settled amongst the decoys.
Bang. Bang.
“Dick, ain’t this fun? Nothing makes you forget the Constitution better than holding a good shotgun in your hands. Where did you get yours?”
“From Halliburton. It was a goodbye gift. Anything going on at the court I should know about?”
“I can’t talk about it, Dick, but let’s say we have all our ducks in a row.”
Cheney laughed. “Then could you say it’s duck soup?”
Bang. Bang.
Scalia hit two more birds and said to Cheney, “I’m glad I voted for ducks to get the death penalty.”
“Who are you going to give your ducks to?”
“The Supreme Court dining room chef. The members of the court are tired of pizza and will welcome duck l’orange on the menu. The key to a Supreme Court Justice’s decision is through his stomach.”
“Do you think the media will give you a bad time for hunting with me?”
“They wouldn’t dare. We’re friends, and we were friends long before your case was put on the docket. If they ask me why I haven’t recused myself I’ll say, ‘The court never discusses why a member thinks the way he does.’”
Bang! Bang!
“Tony, I feel the same way. If I thought you had a conflict by hearing my case I would tell you so.”
“I know you would, Dick. You know what? I will bring back ducks for Clarence Thomas, William Rehnquist, Anthony Kennedy, and Sandra Day O’Connor. I know she likes duck and she could be the swing vote.”
Just then a dog came out of the marsh holding a duck in his mouth.
Scalia said, “What a smart retriever. Where did you find him?”
Cheney said, “He is the president’s dog. He loaned me Barney for the week.”
Both men heard Rumsfeld’s duck call in the distance, “Onk, onk. Onk, onk.”
Just Good Friends—Bah
THE CONTROVERSY OVER who should be allowed to marry and who shouldn’t couldn’t have come at a worse time. It reached its pinnacle the same week the Mattel To
y Company announced that after all these years Barbie and Ken are splitting up.
“Why?” asked Ethel Brooks, who has been collecting Barbie dolls since she was ten years old.
“It’s a tough question,” I said. “Marriages go stale and Ken was going through a midlife crisis.”
“Was there another woman?”
“The gossip is that he was fooling around with Midge. Barbie got mad and started dating G.I. Joe,” I replied.
“One of the things I heard,” Ethel said, “is that Barbie went on the Atkins diet and was miserable.”
“Could be,” I said.
“I heard at the hairdresser’s that Barbie took up with a young man half her age like Demi Moore did.” Ethel continued, “The girls said she called him her Toy Boy.”
“Women do that all the time. Bush has never mentioned anything about older women and younger men when referring to marriage.”
“Barbie is not gay, is she?” Ethel wanted know.
“No. She showed up at City Hall in San Francisco to protest the ban on gay marriages. People want a constitutional amendment defining marriage as a union between a man and a woman.”
Ethel said, “Half the country’s marriages end up in divorce. Why don’t they have a constitutional amendment for divorced people?”
I said, “Because President Bush doesn’t believe in divorce. He sees the family as four people gathered around the fireplace, watching Fox television.”
“Now that she has split with Ken, does she have to find a job?”
“Yes. The problem is that there are no jobs, especially for single women.”
Ethel said, “Of course Barbie will keep all her clothes.”
“Of course. What would Ken do with them? But they are going to have to divvy up the rest of the stuff—the house, the Volvo, the TV set. If they are smart they will each get a lawyer.”
Ethel said, “The split is going to get expensive. The only ones who profit from a couple getting a divorce are the lawyers.”
“Despite all the fuss, Ken was a beach bum and then a ski bum. This attracted Barbie to him, but after a while she wanted a solid guy. This happens as time goes by. After awhile who cares what a hunk in a bathing suit looks like?”
Ethel seemed disturbed. “Do you think after the breakup they will still be good friends?”
“It’s hard to remain friends with someone after living in a trunk together for so long. You know too much about each other.”
“They never did get married?”
“No,” I said, “but rumor has it that one night they got plastered in Las Vegas, got married and had it annulled the next day. It was kept secret because Mattel didn’t want anyone to know about it.”
“Thousands of little girls bought Barbie wedding gowns but never used them,” Ethel said.
“People bought a lot of things that their daughters never used. How about when she pretended she was an astronaut?”
“Well, it is a whole new ball game,” Ethel said.
“You can say that again. Barbie is going to use her maiden name.”
Who Killed Jesus?
OKAY, I AM GOING TO SAY IT one more time. I did not kill Jesus Christ. I might not have even mentioned it except that Mel Gibson’s film, The Passion of the Christ, has become a happening. The picture deals with the last twelve hours of Jesus’ life and is based on the Gospels.
According to the Gospels, the Jewish priests were responsible for his death, even though Christ was Jewish.
Everyone is entitled to interpret the Bible as he sees it—and even make a movie of it—but unfortunately The Passion has once again stirred up the old prejudices on the subject.
For centuries the word was out that the Jews had killed Jesus because they wouldn’t accept him as the Son of God. All sorts of attacks have been made on them through the ages because of this. Ever since I was a boy I have had to defend the fact that I did not have anything to do with it. In the schoolyard Italian kids, Irish kids, and choirboys from Our Lady of Mercy School accused me of the crime.
Most of them were bigger than I was. The daily conversation went like this.
“Who killed Christ?”
“I don’t know.”
“Yes you do. You killed Christ.”
“Did not.”
“Did too. If you don’t admit you did we will break your nose.”
“Okay, I killed Christ. Now will you get off me and let me go home?”
Sometimes the confession was enough. Other times I got a bloody nose—if I was lucky.
It got no better as I grew up. I have to admit that everyone believed I was at the Crucifixion, particularly at Christmas and Easter. Those are the times when the churchgoers mentioned it and I had to defend myself against the charges.
I was always on guard because at any time someone could call me a Christ-killer.
I didn’t realize how virulent the subject was until I grew up. Everywhere I went people eventually let their real feelings out.
At a dinner party the other evening someone said, “Why haven’t the Jews accepted our Lord as their savior?”
I replied, “I really don’t know. I can’t think of a people who have suffered so much because of not accepting Him as the Messiah.”
“I am going to ask you once again. Did you kill Christ?”
“I have been saying it all my life. No! I wasn’t even there.”
“Well, if you didn’t who did?”
“It could have been anybody. Look, I thought Jesus was a great man—a man who preached love and forgiveness. His teachings have been passed down through the generations. But people have used his crucifixion as an excuse to kill other people. That isn’t what Christ had in mind.”
“Do you think Mel Gibson should have made his movie?”
“Why not? As long as people don’t walk away from it saying I killed Christ.”
“They won’t. We live in modern times and we know that the Passion took place long, long ago.”
“I hope you are right.”
“But that doesn’t mean you can join our country club.”
“It’s no big deal because I don’t play golf.”
The Good Americans
OFF SHORE JOBS—we hear it more and more. It means jobs are leaving this country because labor is so much cheaper overseas than it is in the United States. Written by a Chinese person, this column would cost only 50 cents. It scares the heck out of me.
There are now companies specializing in outsourcing American jobs.
“Marvelous Jobs Overseas Incorporated. How can I help you?”
“This is the Great American Sweatshirt Company. We want to print two million, five hundred shirts with President Bush’s picture on the front and ‘God Bless America’ on the back. Where can I have them done?”
“Singapore makes lovely ‘God Bless America’ sweatshirts. You can get them for 25¢.”
“We need them before the conventions.”
“We’ll put a rush order on them. What else?”
“The Democrats want the American flag on the back and a picture of Kerry serving in Viet Nam.”
“Will do.”
“Hello. This is the Patriot Sneaker Company. You know, the one who has had its factory in Rhode Island for 100 years. We decided to close it up when we found out we could get the shoes made overseas for half the price and no health insurance costs or Christmas turkeys.”
“Thailand makes nifty sneakers. Most of the good American footwear is made in Bangkok. Are the people in Rhode Island going to make a stink?”
“No. They understand it’s business and not something personal.”
“This is the University Testing Institute. We want to have our student tests marked overseas. Would you recommend a country where we could send our multiple choice questions for scoring?”
“Burma is famous for out-sourcing college exams. Their people can do it for 13¢ per hour. They have a contract to handle all the U.S. Social Security paperwork. We can also recommend
Bangladesh who does all the tests for Harvard.”
“This is the Home of the Brave Canteen Company. We are bidding to supply all the canteens for the U.S. Army for four billion dollars. The rules are that only American companies can bid on the contract. We are looking for a subcontractor in a foreign country that could actually manufacture the canteens.”
“This may surprise you, but Ho Chi Minh City has one of the best canteen makers in the world. The company was started by a consortium of Viet Cong businessmen. After the canteens are made they are shipped to Hong Kong where workers stamp on them, ‘Made in America.’ Then they are shipped to Iraq.”
“How about American taxes?”
“You don’t have to pay any if you set up a tax shelter in Panama.”
“Thank you. We’ll call you back if we get the contract.”
“This is the Betsy Ross Girl Scout Chocolate Cookie Company. We recently closed our chocolate cookie factory in the United States and opened a bakery in Nigeria, which saved us five million dollars a month.
“The bad news is Congress is holding hearings on American jobs fleeing overseas. We are being called to testify. What should we say?”
“Take the Fifth and tell them that anything you say about jobs abroad will incriminate you.”
“Good idea.”
“As part of our service we supply a damage control team who will issue press releases saying that unemployment is part of the American Dream.”
Canada, My Canada
UP UNTIL RECENTLY, Americans knew little about Canada except that the people there play hockey and occasionally blow out the lights in the northeast part of the United States.
One of the reasons there was no interest is that Canada rarely does anything to provoke us. The country was never listed by Bush in the Axis of Evil or as an enemy, like the United Nations (even though half of Canada speaks French.)
At best no one ever took Canada seriously until recently, when Canada went into the prescription drug business. It was not planned, but an accident.
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