“Is the reason the Republicans don’t like John Edwards because he made so much money as a trial lawyer?”
“They say that, but the truth is, when anyone gets in trouble the first person they call is a lawyer. I only wish I had the legal fees of Martha Stewart, Ken Lay, Kobe Bryant and any bank accused of getting in trouble with the government.”
“Are government lawyers also members of the trial lawyer profession?”
“Yes, if they are any good. And when they leave the government they represent the side they prosecuted.”
She asked, “Did you know that if trial lawyers were forbidden to practice there would be no courtroom television shows?”
“Do people who are booing trial lawyers also hate people who serve on juries?”
“They do if the jurors award the plaintiffs more than $500,000, or whatever the cap would be. The country needs doctors, preferably those who don’t make mistakes. But it also needs lawyers in case they do.”
“Then this demonstration does not bother you?”
“Not as long as Congress is made up of lawyers.”
Do It Our Way
WE HAVE BEEN INFORMED that, come January, the democratic people of Iraq are going to have elections. This is the first election in their history and they don’t know how to hold one.
A representative from “Shrek,” one of the Iraqi political parties, came to Washington to learn some pointers from the American elections.
He met with an American election expert in Washington who told him, “The first thing your candidate has to do is learn to lie.”
“Iraqis never lie,”
“You are going to have to learn. We would never hold an election if American candidates didn’t lie. Now the wonderful thing about American politics is if you keep repeating the lie often enough you will start believing it yourself. And if the voters feel that you believe it they will believe it.”
“I am taking notes.”
“You have to hit below the belt.”
“Moslems don’t have belts.”
“Never mind. Say that if the people don’t vote for your candidate the other side will bring Saddam back to power and the terrorists will take over the country.”
“Does my candidate have to apologize after he says it?”
“Of course not. The object of winning an election is to scare the hell out of the electorate.”
“What about gun control? Should our candidate be for it or against it?”
“He must declare that under the Iraqi Constitution everyone has a right to a gun.”
“But we have no constitution.”
“When you get one you will have the right to bear arms. In the meantime, your boy will say every citizen has a duty to keep one under his pillow.”
“That won’t be an issue in Iraq.”
“Where was your man during the first Gulf War?”
“He was in the Iraqi National Guard in Morocco.”
“Your opposition is going to try to make that an issue.”
“What should my man say?”
“He must say he served honorably and he has his dental records to prove it.”
“What about television ads?”
“That is where you want to spend your money. Tell the people that your opposition threw his medals into the Tigris.”
“We don’t have any money for TV.”
“The CIA will give you all you want. After all, it is to the United States’ advantage that you hold free elections.”
“What are the big issues we should concentrate on?”
“Security is number one.”
“But they are still fighting in Fallujah, Tikrit and Baghdad.”
“Deny it. Always deny. After security, your people will be interested in jobs. Fifty percent of all Iraqis are out of work. Promise them that you will create three thousand new jobs to rebuild the cities. Once again, the United States will supply the dollars and the jobs through Halliburton.”
“Will you also pay for election bumper stickers?”
“Not only will we pay for them, but we will put them on our own tanks.”
“What about the media?”
“The United States will provide you with enough spin to win the election.”
“You have been very helpful, sir. May Allah bless you.”
The Dan Rather Factor
LIKE IT OR NOT, I have to deal with the “Dan Rather Factor.” It is important because Dan presented memos on 60 Minutes II written by a colonel concerning his opinion as to how George W. Bush behaved in the Air National Guard. The memos have been questioned and might be forgeries.
This is what we know so far. Bush served honorably, but out of harm’s way, in Alabama. Dan did not serve in the National Guard, but was in harm’s way all that time.
We don’t know where George was for six months of his service—and the White House won’t tell us.
According to the colonel’s memorandums, which could be forgeries, Bush refused to obey orders and had a “bad attitude.” Colonel Killian, who has gone to that big Air National Guard in the sky, said the future president could not qualify to fly jet planes because he did not show up for his physical. Killian’s secretary, who did all the colonel’s typing, said she didn’t type the memos, though she told Dan they were the colonel’s thoughts.
Handwriting experts hired by CBS said they warned Rather that the documents might not be kosher. The question raised was whether the notes were made on an IBM Selectric or with word processing software at a Kinko’s in Abilene, Texas. What makes the story more interesting is it turns out that nobody from the 60 Minutes II staff has ever been in Abilene. Dan said, after questions hit the fan, that he intended to get to the bottom of his broadcast. Apparently he did and the bottom was that the documents were forged.
The questions they had to answer were:
What kind of officer was George Bush in the Air National Guard?
Did he really lean on his father’s contacts to stay out of Vietnam?
Did John Kerry ever forge any papers to get his medals?
As commander-in-chief can Bush order Dan Rather to go to Iraq?
How will this affect CBS’s Survivor ratings?
What if Kitty Kelley was wrong about George Bush snorting cocaine at Camp David?
What is the connection between Dan Rather, Kitty Kelley, and Martha Stewart?
As you can see, 60 Minutes II opened up a whole can of beans, or as we say in Texas, the whole enchilada. At the beginning, I was on Dan’s side—then I switched to Kinko’s.
Every time there is a new charge concerning George’s service in the Guard, the Pentagon “finds” a new piece of paper in its files showing Bush was one heckuva flyer. The last was a letter from George the First to Dubya’s commanding officer thanking him for writing to tell him what an outstanding pilot his son was.
How will all this affect the elections? Nobody knows. I am not going to vote based on whether Dan Rather got suckered by someone who didn’t like George Bush. I know it will not be an issue because nobody cares where the next president of the United States served.
But if he wins, don’t expect George Bush to invite Dan Rather for dinner.
Our Long Nightmare Is Over Once Again
THE FCC HAS FINALLY put a price on a woman’s breast. It is $550,000.
What happened, as EVERYBODY knows, was that Janet Jackson showed one of her breasts at half time during the Super Bowl. Eight hundred million people (including China) were horrified. No one had ever seen a woman’s breast before, except in National Geographic magazine.
The reaction was tremendous. Mothers blindfolded their children; husbands turned off their TV sets and never saw the second half of the game.
How could a major network allow the full display of a body part, including a nipple, for all the public to see? More indignant calls came into the network than when Bush decided to invade Iraq. The FCC had no choice but to deal with it.
The problem was, no one at the agenc
y had ever seen a bare breast before. This was cold flesh.
The meeting to fine CBS was held in FCC headquarters. There was a large screen TV at one end of the room. The commissioners were nervous.
“Do we have to see it?” one of them asked.
“Yes,” the chairman replied. “It is our duty to protect every man, woman, and child in America.”
“We didn’t get any calls from men,” a commissioner pointed out.
“It doesn’t matter. A breast is still a breast. Roll ’em.”
Janet Jackson came on the screen during halftime festivities, and suddenly, while she sang with Justin Timberlake, her shoulder strap snapped. It was only a few seconds, but it seemed like a lifetime.
“Play it again,” a commissioner said. “This time close in on her.”
It was obvious to everyone in the room that there was something wrong with the dress.
“We should fine the costume designer,” someone said.
They played the smoking gun ten more times.
Then a commissioner said, “I am not saying it is so, but suppose it was no accident?”
The room was silent. “Why would any pop singer show her breast in public?”
“To sell her records and be talked about on every radio show in America.”
“If this is true then CBS allowed it to happen.”
“And should be fined so they never do it again.”
A commissioner said, “It will prove to the world we are a moral nation.”
“What we are saying if you allow one of your stars to rip her dress off is that you are going to have to pay the piper.”
“But how much should we fine the network?”
“Five hundred and fifty thousand dollars.”
“That is very harsh.”
“It sends a message to any entertainer that the people who watch the Super Bowl are very fragile, and we, the FCC, took an oath to protect them.”
“Play it again to make sure we are not making a mistake.”
The meeting was adjourned. Where are Janet and CBS now? Janet Jackson is more in demand than ever before, and gives concerts when she isn’t attending her brother Michael’s trial.
CBS is now dealing with the Dan Rather brouhaha, and has proven Janet’s breasts are her own and not forgeries.
Congressional No Flu Zone
THIS IS A HYPOTHETICAL QUESTION. There is a shortage of flu vaccine and you only have enough for one person. You have to decide between a congressman and your mother. Who gets the shot?
The answer, of course, is your congressman. The reason is, you can’t do without your legislator, but you always can get another mother.
I know it is only a hypothetical question and it would never happen in America. On the other hand, the Capitol’s attending physician recommended all 535 lawmakers and members of their staffs get a shot.
While as a senior citizen you might have to stand in line for hours at a Wal-Mart, all you have to do on the Hill is show your ID card—and “zap” or “prick.”
When questions arose, it was explained that politicians have to shake more hands than any other group of people, and are more likely to catch the bug than forest rangers or fly fishermen. Thus, they would get sick and not pass the laws the country so desperately needs.
There are guidelines put out by the CDC which specifically say that the vaccine should go to babies under two years and people over sixty-five, as well as those in high risk groups.
Now the “high risk” category is the one that congress is banking on to defend why they should get the shots. Many people consider their lawmakers at high risk, particularly when it comes to adding so much pork to their bills.
Don’t believe that your government is not facing up to the problem. They are suggesting you wash your hands as often as you can—and shake as few hands as possible. We keep seeing the candidates out there shaking hands with the masses, but we don’t see their handlers off-camera with a bucket of soap and water so they can wash hands after each stop.
It is no secret that some people are steamed up about Congress jumping the line—or having no line at all.
One congressman said, “To refuse a flu shot when offered to you is the same thing as not taking a tax cut that your government wants to give you. Don’t think it was easy for me to decide to get a shot. But then I had to think of my constituents. If I didn’t get the vaccine and got sick, I couldn’t look after their interests.”
What makes the playing field uneven is that only incumbents can get a flu shot. This puts their opponents at a disadvantage.
It has become a major political issue. The incumbent is asking, “Do you want someone to represent you who is safe from disease, or someone who could wind up in the hospital at any time?”
The vaccine shortage did not hit people hard until they read about Congress being given all it wanted. Senate Majority Leader, Bill Frist, a doctor himself, told everyone on the Hill he thought it was a good idea to be vaccinated.
President Bush did not take his shot, but he was “working hard, very hard” on the problem. Finding flu vaccine when there is a shortage is “hard.”
But Bush has a plan. He says we should stay the course and buy as much vaccine as we can from Canada.
What advice do I have for you, dear reader? Wash your hands.
Slam Dunk
BASKETBALL HAS ALWAYS BEEN a contact sport, with two teams in the heat of battle going against each other. Recently, as you have probably seen on television, the players went into the stand and started slugging the fans.
The Indiana Pacers won a close one, knocking down three Detroit Piston fans in the second row.
Fighting is part of the sport and the owners of basketball teams are constantly looking for players who are good with their hands—not necessarily with a ball.
Harvey Charger, one of the best sports agents in the business, called the owner of the Rustics and said, “Matty, I think I have a center for you. He is the best player in the league and he has just become a free agent.”
Matty says, “I can use a good center. When can he start playing?”
“Next year.”
“Next year?”
“He has been suspended this season for hitting a fan with a chair.”
“If I sign him up how much do you want for him?”
“One million dollars, plus a $500,000 bonus.”
“What is the bonus for?”
“Lawyers fees in case he is indicted for aggravated assault.”
“How can I be sure he won’t go into the stands again?”
“I give you my word. He will only hit a fan if he is provoked.”
“Okay, I am willing to take a chance.”
Harvey next called the owner of a National Football League team.
“Mike,” he said, “the draft is coming up and I have an outstanding college football player for you.”
“Who is he?”
“He is the Clemson guy in the middle of the pack who was swinging at a lineman from the University of South Carolina and hit a referee by mistake. It was on all the news shows. He will be the first draft choice, but if you are willing to deal I’ll get him for you in exchange for the three linemen on your team who got thrown out of the Dallas game last week.”
“Let me look at the films of the Clemson game again.”
“Don’t take too long. Everyone in the league wants him.”
Mike said, “Okay, I could use a player that hits another player when the officials aren’t looking.”
Harvey hung up and yelled to his secretary, “Did you get me the manager of the Washington Nationals?”
“He’s on line one.”
Harvey picked up the phone and said, “Mr. Rebock, congratulations on coming to Washington. I know you are putting together your team and are looking for outstanding players. I have a shortstop who can hit right and left handed.”
“I already have a shortstop.”
“Not one who will attack the pitcher if he
almost throws a ball at his head. The beauty of Morales is he doesn’t speak any English so he doesn’t know that in baseball you are not supposed to hit another player.”
“Why don’t you sell him to George Steinbrenner?”
“He is too cheap when it comes to salaries.”
“I want to make sure the rest of my players come off the bench to join him if he gets into a fight.”
Harvey said, “Gotcha.”
He hangs up and talks to his partner.
“Do golfers fight much?”
“They would if there was enough money in it.”
Crate and Baghdad
OF ALL THE WORDS that Colin Powell will be remembered for during his tenure as Secretary of State, the most memorable were the ones he said when President Bush told him he was going to invade Iraq. Powell said, “You break it, you own it.”
The other day I went to the Crate and Baghdad store in Pentagon City. There was broken china and glass everywhere. The manager was sweeping it up.
“What happened?”
“A shopper came into the store, dropped one vase, then another, and kept on breaking everything in the shop.”
“How much damage did he do?” I asked.
“One hundred and fifty billions dollars’ worth, but the customer said he was going to come back for more.”
“It looks like he did a lot of damage.”
“The funny part is when he first came he said he wasn’t going to break anything. He seemed like a good customer, so we showed him everything we had on display. But as soon as he bought something he dropped it. I told him it is our policy that if you break it you have to pay for it.”
“Why do you think he keeps dropping things?”
“He can’t hold anything in his hands. Instead of walking out of the store with a lot of expensive things, he leaves them in pieces on the floor.”
“Does he come in alone?”
“No, he comes in with an entourage, and what he doesn’t break, they do.”
“You must be nervous when they come into the store.”
“Not really, as long as they pay for everything.”
Beating Around the Bush Page 16
