The fall guy is Libby, the vice president’s aide, who passed on the information to newspaper people that former ambassador Joe Wilson’s wife worked for the CIA. No one knows how the president broke the story to Cheney. I think he said, “Dick, I’m going to tell you a CIA secret. Don’t tell anybody except Bob Novak, Judy Miller, or anybody else who likes to print CIA secrets.”
Since Libby has not been tried yet, the story has legs and will be on the front page at least until next week.
The third good story of the week came from, of all places, the New York Post. The newspaper has a “Page Six” feature that prints all the gossip that’s fit and not fit to print. One of the Page Six reporters was caught blackmailing a billionaire. He promised not to write anything bad about the victim if he paid $100,000 plus $10,000 a month. Ron Burkle, an investor in supermarkets and all sorts of businesses, told the FBI, and they conducted a sting operation, with photographs, tapes, and other evidence against the blackmailer.
What made it such a good story is that the New York Times and the Daily News both printed it on their front pages. This was pay-back time against Rupert Murdoch, who owns the New York Post, and, people say, Page Six was his favorite feature. What makes it an even stranger story is that the New York Post didn’t print anything about it at all.
In any case, I liked the story because it had nothing to do with leaks from the White House.
My favorite story of the week was when an ancient scroll, the Gospel of Judas, was discovered. In the text it turns out that Judas was a good guy and when he blew the whistle on Jesus, it was Jesus’ idea.
It changed a lot of people’s thinking about Judas’ role at the Last Supper. It now also affects people’s Passover plans.
A Call from Big Brother
THE REASON AMERICANS feel safe is because the government has all sorts of ways of watching them. The feds can do it from the air, from the ground, and by mail. I feel safer if I know that somebody is eavesdropping on me.
I understand, based on information I have read, that this is how it works. The National Security Agency taps into your phone records and decides if your call is dangerous. For example, if their data bank indicates your mother calls you more than once a week, it will cross-reference the calls with how many times you called her.
Then, based on that, they can alert the FBI as to where your mother lives and her Social Security number.
The FBI may call on your mother’s neighbors to find out what they know about her and how many times a week she calls them.
In case for some reason surveilling your phone calls is not sufficient, the Pentagon has its own system. They track down anybody with a foreign accent and then share this information with the CIA.
The CIA has experts in different languages who are able to trace cell phone calls anywhere in the world.
For example, suppose someone in San Diego calls his brother in Mexico and says he’s sending him money so that the brother can sneak over the border into the United States.
This is a problem for the Immigration Service, which has its own data bank that is plugged into the Western Union money order department.
President Bush has assured the country that everyone’s privacy is guaranteed. This even includes collect calls he makes to Putin.
But this does not mean the government isn’t tapping into newspaper offices to find out who the journalists are talking to.
At this point the Justice Department gets a court order to find out who the journalist has been accepting leaks from.
Once they get the order, they can also search the homes of anyone who works for the telephone company.
A guarantee of privacy is something that all the law enforcement organizations assure the American people they will receive.
Of course, if you’re a terrorist, you are not entitled to privacy—unless you are an American citizen.
Here is what to look for to find out if the government is tracking your telephone calls. If your telephone bill is much larger than you think it should be, somebody is charging calls that you haven’t made.
You cannot complain to the NSA if your children have cell phones.
The easiest way for someone to spy on you is through satellites. A satellite passes over your house every few minutes.
Tracking government officials who are using their phones for personal business is harder to do.
As an American, I sleep better knowing that there are 16 intelligence agencies protecting me. If one fails, there are 15 more to pick up the ball.
The majority of American people, when polled, say they don’t mind the government listening in on them, and they are known as “patriots.”
Then there are those who never call their mothers. Their mothers call them ungrateful.
About the Author
ART BUCHWALD has written thirty-four books, including two children’s books and two novels. His most recent novel is Stella in Heaven (Putnam, 2000) and his most recent collection is We’ll Laugh Again (Putnam, 2002). He was the recipient of the Pulitzer Prize for “Outstanding Commentary” in 1982, and in 1986 was elected to the American Academy of Arts and Letters. Mr. Buchwald is a workaholic and has no hobbies.
Also by Art Buchwald
We’ll Laugh Again
Stella in Heaven
I’ll Always Have Paris!
Leaving Home
Lighten Up, George
Whose Rose Garden Is It Anyway?
I Think I Don’t Remember
“You Can Fool All of the People All of the Time”
While Reagan Slept
Laid Back in Washington
The Buchwald Stops Here
Down the Seine and Up the Potomac
Washington Is Leaking
Irving’s Delight
“I Am Not a Crook”
The Bollo Caper
I Never Danced at the White House
Getting High in Government Circles
Counting Sheep
The Establishment Is Alive and Well in Washington
Have I Ever Lied to You?
Son of the Great Society
And Then I Told the President
I Chose Capitol Punishment
Is It Safe to Drink the Water?
How Much Is That in Dollars?
Don’t Forget to Write
More Caviar
Brave Coward
Art Buchwald’s Paris
A Gift from the Boys
Paris After Dark
Art Buchwald’s Secret List to Paris
Copyright © 2005, 2006 by Art Buchwald
First trade paperback edition, September 2006
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including mechanical, electric, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher.
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Buchwald, Art.
Beating around the bush / Art Buchwald.—IST ed.
p.cm.
eISBN : 978-1-609-80009-3
1. United States—Politics and government—2001—Humor. 1. Title.
PS3503.U1828B43 2005
814’.54—dc22
2005012063
Buchwald, Art, Beating Around the Bush
Beating Around the Bush Page 22
