by Lexie Bean
Just between us, I ran to my special bathroom stall to cry as soon as the song was over. I locked the door behind me tight, and took off my headband. I hope I didn’t disappoint Mr. B for skipping the “Silent Night” finale. I just don’t know what sound came out of me. I don’t know if my voice was any good. I remember Sofie told me once when we were practicing our confident walks, “You can be yourself around me.” Sometimes I don’t know what it means to be myself anymore, but she made a flower bouquet out of bunched-up toilet paper with a twist at the end. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.
Tonight I made my own toilet paper bouquet. I held it on my lap while my nose dripped onto my fancy black pants. Sofie is the only person who really hears me speak anymore. I’m not sure if that makes her lucky or not. What do you do when your nose won’t stop dripping and you know that people are waiting for you? Even Sofie’s baby sister made it through the concert without crying.
When I heard some noise coming from the hallway, I forced myself to unlock the stall door. I crumpled up my bouquet and looked into the mirror. My eyes were all green and red, just in time for Christmas. It was like I wasn’t even looking at myself. My thoughts just kept getting louder. I had to put my hands under that noisy dryer to make them go all quiet. I stayed standing under the heat until my palms started to sweat and change colors. Maybe there was at least one person who thought my solo was beautiful enough. I mostly hope that people will just forget about it by the time winter break ends. Sometimes I’m just scared of breaking every rule and every promise.
As soon as I got back to the gym, Mom found me right away and took way too many pictures. My eyes were still all red, but she made me say “cheese” and “girl power” in a group photo with the Trampoline Club. Courtney made a peace sign, but I’m sure she didn’t mean it. I was wearing my old headband and everything, but does Mom really think that nothing has changed? I smiled through it anyways.
What bothered me even more was that Dylan probably didn’t even care about the fact I left the concert early. He and his friends were too busy with their hacky sacks and Hawaiian fruit punch. I only got close enough to hear them say “waazzzup?” over and over again, even though none of them would ever actually answer the question. What’s even worse than that, I didn’t see Sofie anywhere in the crowd. She wasn’t near the table of ranch dressing and oatmeal cookies either. The gym was full, but it sure felt empty to me.
Some Girl Scout’s mom then got on the loudspeaker and told everyone to stand in a circle and hold hands. That didn’t help anything. Now I remember why I quit Girl Scouts. We had to sing, “Make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other’s gold. A circle’s round, it has no end, that’s how long I want to be your friend.” I don’t actually know what that song is called, but everybody knows it. It’s not supposed to be a sad song, but I looked around the circle and my only friend wasn’t there.
I hope somebody nice finds this balloon mail because I have a big favor to ask you. There are only a few days left, but could you try sending something to Richard in time for Christmas? He taught Sofie how to use her whole voice, and I love her voice even when she sings at her quietest. Baby Viivi doesn’t even really have a voice yet, but I bet hers will be great too.
Sofie told me he’s at the county jail. It would be great if you could mail him a snow globe or a jar of honey, or get him a new light since that’s kind of why he’s in there to begin with. You can also just make a card with a nice note, like I did the other day. His name is Richard Gavia, but some people call him Rich. I just wrote in his letter, “Sofie loves you, and hasn’t forgotten about you.” You can write the same thing in your letter if you’re feeling stuck. I just can’t believe I didn’t share that Kit Kat bar with him when I had the chance.
I think I’m going to light a candle for him at church if my mom lets me. Do you go to church? Mine is kind of funny, but maybe it’s normal. It’s skinny with white siding, like a bigger version of our house, and it’s just a little bit outside of Houghton. I will probably have to be there a lot over the next few days for Christmas stuff, which means I will light a lot of candles.
If you do decide to try to light your own candle, you should know that there are a few Catholic rules. First, make sure you wear a dress if people think you’re a girl, and nice pants are for boys. Then make sure you put the oil water on your forehead when you come in, and kneel and think about life and all your problems when they tell you to. You’ll probably hear some old stories with no endings from the priest, and then you say the words and also with you at the same time as everyone else. Also, eat bread, even when it’s not real bread, and put a few dollars in the basket even if you don’t have enough for yourself. Some of the music is pretty good, though I usually just move my lips. For some reason nobody ever claps for the band at the end.
If other families smile at you and want to shake your hand with “Peace be with you,” then you know you’re doing a good job. I have to admit, it would be really nice to have a reminder that I’m good while I’m there.
I hope you have a good night, a better one than this.
Sincerely,
Rowan
Tuesday, December 23, 1997
Hi.
I’m feeling good about winter break so far. I have had more time to ice-skate and work on my refrigerator box art. Dad doesn’t get back from his second round of elk hunting until tomorrow, so my mom and I have been watching movies he doesn’t like. I especially like watching Baby, Take a Bow and the other Shirley Temple ones with her. They make her laugh, and she always hums along to that “Animal Crackers” song in Curly Top. I don’t see her like that very much, so it’s nice.
When Mom went out to shovel snow, I watched the last episode of Boy Meets World. Cory and Topanga decided their differences made them stronger. He then sang her a Christmas carol, even when he doesn’t like singing. I don’t know, it gave me hope. Maybe Dylan will learn to appreciate our differences too.
Also, you know what else? During a commercial break, I snooped under the Christmas tree and noticed there are way more boxes for me than I expected. I know what I really want won’t fit into a box, but fingers-crossed a haircut works out anyways.
Thanks,
Rowan
Wednesday, December 24, 1997
Hi.
I know it’s almost Christmas and things are supposed to be perfect and all, but I can’t sleep. I usually can help myself fall asleep by reaching under my quilt, under my nightshirt, and feel for my ribs in the dark. The bones on my sides remind me that I have a body and that something is holding me up. Sometimes when I can’t find my ribs, I get scared that my body is gone somehow and I will just disappear. Do you know what I mean? I don’t know, sorry.
What I’m trying to say is that I really need to know somebody is actually reading my balloon letters. I don’t know what would make me special enough to have a guardian angel, but if I do please give me a sign. Some people around here actually like to say “Even my guardian angel drinks.” If that’s what you’re too busy doing like my dad, then please stop. Maybe write me a letter instead? Sorry, I don’t know what it’s normal to wish for anymore.
Sincerely,
Rowan
PS, I made you a toilet paper bouquet. I don’t know if you’ll like it, but it’s your present. I attached it to the end of the balloon. There is a chance it will come undone by the time it gets to you, but now you know what it is in case anybody asks. Just make sure you don’t water it like a normal flower. I watered a little bit of it by accident, but you should know that it will only stay alive if you keep it dry. I hope you have a very Merry Christmas. Bye.
Saturday, December 27, 1997
Hi,
For Christmas, I got the game Trouble, a pillow with Casper the Friendly Ghost’s face on it, and some other things I can’t remember right now. To be honest with you, I miss school. I miss t
he water fountains, the hallways with inspirational sayings everywhere. I wouldn’t even mind seeing the back of Courtney’s head right now. Church is long and winter is long. Nights are long, and there are only so many balloons I can buy. I hope your winter break is going well if you have one. I’m just not feeling so sure about mine anymore.
Dad slept in my room again. He said yard work is hurting his back, but really he’s just much older than most dads. His forehead has a lot of lines on it and his body left a shadow shaped like a turtle on my wall when I was half-asleep. There’s something about my bright pink walls that seem to glow in the dark. I wonder if my dad thinks I glow in the dark too, because he always seems to find me no matter what. Patti, Pouch, Pinchers, Legs, and all of my other stuffed animals were smart and ran to the floor.
I still think of myself as a boy, but I really hope I don’t grow up to be my dad. I hope there are more choices. It was really hard to fall back asleep thinking about it. Making my own shadow puppet of a dog and a rabbit with my hands didn’t help, neither did feeling for my ribs again, so I tiptoed my way out. I stepped over all four Beanie Babies, my new Casper the Friendly Ghost pillow, two pairs of pants. I got to the hallway and went down the stairs, passed my mom quietly smoking a cigarette in the kitchen, and finally made it here. Here’s a map.
I should just be grateful for having my dad at all. I should feel lucky that he’s not in jail or anything like that, but I don’t know. I hope it’s okay that I’m telling you this.
Right now I am sitting in a nice space between our Christmas tree and the wall, just like Sofie has at her house. You should try it where you live too. It feels safe behind the tree because I know it will always glow in the dark brighter than me. It actually stands almost the exact same height as my dad. He’s just tall enough to make eye contact with the gold angel that lives on top. I bet the angel would have a thing or two to say to him. One day, I’ll be tall enough for the angel to see me better.
I’ve never actually written a letter from back here before, but I just discovered that there’s actually enough space for me to stretch out my legs. The glass ornaments ding whenever my Scooby pajama pants brush by them and I can see my face in their round reflections. The only downside is that my hair keeps getting caught in the plastic tree branches.
I didn’t get a haircut for Christmas, but I am thinking about just cutting it all by myself. Have you ever gotten yourself a gift? Dad for sure got himself that orange drill and Johnny Cash wall calendar, and the year before this one too. To be honest, I just wanted a different world for Christmas. Sofie and I tried to give each other something as close to that as we could. I came up with the idea for us to make each other paper airplanes that carry maps to our favorite places. She put all of hers into a green shoebox. Inside were directions to the summer carnival Ferris wheel, the Copper Country Mall arcade, her mom’s whitefish soup recipe, and some other places too. My most favorite one of all shows how to get to our giant recess rock. She talked about it like it was as special as the moon.
I wrapped her gift with real maps from New York City that I found in my mom’s car. I’ve never actually been there before, but it sure sounds nice in every movie I’ve seen. Have you ever been there? I heard that there is a Ferris wheel and a beach, and even a Rainforest Cafe too. Maybe one day when I’m old enough, I’ll drive to New York in an RV and live there. I don’t know. I want to live somewhere that feels not so heavy. I would live there with Sofie, and it wouldn’t have to be a secret. Do you ever think about running away too? Even if it’s to a place that maybe doesn’t exist? Like an imaginary world on a snowflake, or a big silver-and-white ballroom where you could swing from chandeliers and a wear tinfoil hat? Even New York feels like a little imaginary dream or something.
It might sound silly, but Sofie was in the dream I had last week. We laid in two separate beds on an iced-over lake just strong enough to hold us both. We pulled the blankets off, looked inside our belly buttons and pretended they were wishing wells. She asked right away, “What did you wish for?” She actually asked two times in a row and I had to tell her “That’s bad luck” because it is.
I can’t really remember what I wished for in my dream. Sometimes I’m not even so sure what I’m allowed to wish for. I’ve mostly written about wishes about Dylan, but I don’t know. It’s not like he wants me around. I really wish I didn’t still have a crush on him, but I do. He makes me feel at home in a weird way, but the weirder thing is that I don’t even like my house that much.
This is kind of embarrassing to ask, but can a crush make me feel big? Like, have you ever had a friend you didn’t really have the right word for? Someone who makes you feel strong and warm, like a close-feeling feeling-close to a girl that’s your friend? I don’t know. I have big feelings with Sofie. Whenever she is here, the ship we built out of the refrigerator box feels as quiet as the falling snow. It’s dear, like a dear, dear home that we built all by ourselves.
I just hope Sofie never reads this. I hope that none of my old friends read this either. I wouldn’t be allowed to go under a trampoline for the rest of my life. So, whoever you are, please promise that you will burn this letter when you’re done reading it. Either way, writing this has made me feel a million times better. I was really starting to feel bad for myself for not knowing more shadow puppets.
I’m going to go back to sleep now.
Thanks,
Rowan Beck
Monday, December 29, 1997
Hi.
On the way home from ice-skating with my parents today, I saw the black cloud of smoke toward Dollar Bay and I imagined that someone actually burned my last letter after all. For that minute, it made me feel less alone.
I saw the smoke at the perfect time actually because skating today was a little weird. I saw Mary, Gina, and Courtney with some other girls from class. Maybe they are all new to the Trampoline Club too. They were mostly busy showing off the fact that they have enough friends to spell out all of “YMCA” with their arms. I did like going backward and doing a few twirls on the ice when nobody was looking. I practiced a few hockey moves too, but I don’t know. There must be more to life.
Not to complain, but this week off school is already feeling like forever and a half. I hope Sofie is okay too. Some things have been happening with her, and I’m not sure how to talk about it yet. In the meantime, I hope you also find a nice window to look out of.
Sincerely,
Rowan Beck
Wednesday, December 31, 1997
Hello Friend,
This balloon is from the cashier at Freedom Valu’s. He gave it to me for free with a smile even bigger than his mustache. I went there with my mom earlier today so she could get champagne “just in case we have company over,” which everybody knows wasn’t going to happen. She also got her radio bingo cards and even a few Club Reno lottery tickets too. There was the longest line ever, I guess everybody was getting things to celebrate with and take chances on. It’s about eleven o’clock right now, and I bet all of those people are now sitting around clocks waiting for 1998 to start. I bet most of them want to have do-overs, kiss someone on the lips, or tell a secret. I’m not sure if I want to do any of those things, though. Do you?
I’m just trying my best to feel good about this next year because last New Year’s Eve I got to do the countdown with my old BFFs at Courtney’s house. We filmed ourselves drinking sparkling apple juice and throwing confetti in the air, and then we all slept side by side. I don’t know, do you think it’s possible to not think about what other people are doing? This year I want to scream in a different way. I sat on top of the stairs and listened to Dad give his usual “I’m doing my best” speech over the ball drop special on TV. I made a big decision right then.
I locked the bathroom door and practiced smiling into the medicine cabinet mirror. It wasn’t working so well, so I decided that it was time to give myself the gift that I have be
en wanting for so many Christmases in a row. I cut my own hair. It was like a movie watching the strands fall in slow motion onto the tile. I liked how it felt, so I kept going and going with my yellow craft scissors. I cut it all the way to my shoulders, just long enough to make the tiniest ponytail, the size of a paintbrush.
I was already feeling a little bit lighter, but I had to stop before I could give myself bangs. My mom started knocking real loud on the door. It was like thunder. Her voice filled the whole room and she wasn’t even inside of it. I just don’t see why she got so mad at me for cutting my hair when she always makes the New Year about losing weight. As soon as I stepped out of the bathroom, Mom said, “Go to your room. You’re grounded.” I still don’t think I actually did anything wrong. Has that happened to you before?
I thought about keeping my head under the quilt until it’s the new millennium or something. That way, I could just enjoy my new haircut without having to worry about anyone watching. The heat of my own breath made me feel trapped, though, and it was dark under the blanket with no stars at all. It didn’t take long for me to totally give up on hiding. I let in some light and fresh air, and you know what? I haven’t stopped brushing my fingers through my hair since. I actually think I want to make it shorter, even though Shirley Temple is the only girl I know with hair like that.
I’m trying my best to not let anything take my smile away since it’s supposed to be a day to celebrate beginnings and watch Dick Clark on TV. I actually cut all of the knots away too. It’s so nice to have them gone, even if it means that I’m grounded for it. I do wish that I could show my haircut right now to someone who cares, though. Mr. B once told the class: “If you ever feel alone, you should call someone.” It’s funny Mr. B said that while handing out our emergency contact forms. I’ve never written down an emergency contact who could help me when I’m feeling lonely. I just put some adult’s name.
