Pretty Girls Don't Cry

by Tony J Winn

  Kylie quickly exited the room, closing the door soundlessly.

  Nora let her breath out, constricting the back of her mouth to make a sound like the ocean, then breathed in deeply.

  “Good afternoon, my friends. This is Nora, and I'll be hanging out with you over the next four hours of music from every decade since gentlemen stopped wearing hats. Say, when was the last time you wore a hat? How about half a hat, like those visors people wear for tennis—those hats without tops? It's the experience of wearing sunglasses, only without that annoying cool factor.” She clicked the mouse and readied a file silently. “Here's one of your favorite ladies. She'd never wear a visor, but if she did, you know you would too. The stores would be sold out the very next day.”

  While the song played, Nora put off checking the incoming emails about visors and used the computer to look up eating disorder clinics in the city. As she researched the options, she found her mood soaring, and her heart expanding.

  It felt good to look after another person. She wondered if that was how her mother had felt, bringing in print-outs of articles on their visits to the prostheses makers.

  Nora looked up at the inspiration cork board inside the studio. It was usually covered in funny postcards and Polaroids from studio events. A card with two bears hugging jumped out at her. The caption read, Our arms were made for wrapping around each other.

  Nora felt a lump of gratitude rising in her throat. She'd been blessed to have such loving parents, and a good life.

  *

  Nora drove Kylie to her first appointment with the wellness counselor who specialized in ED recovery. She'd opted not to use the retreat Tianne had suggested, because Kylie couldn't take the time off work.

  The appointment was at seven in the morning, before work.

  “You don't have to come in,” Kylie said. “It's only a therapy hour, fifty minutes. You could get a coffee or something.”

  Nora remembered her mother staying for her surgery, reading the romance novel. “I'll read a magazine in the waiting room. Don't you worry about me.”

  “You should get a nap,” Kylie offered. “We have a big day ahead of us. The zoo visit, and then the big party.” The party was a send-off for Stevey and Nora, and Don had rented a Greek restaurant for the celebration. Rumor was he was trying to burn off funds in the entertainment account before the transition, which was fine by everyone.

  “One thing at a time,” Nora said to her friend. They both stepped out of Nora's car and walked toward the clinic. Hers was the only car in the lot.

  “That cute guy, Aaron, is going to be there tonight,” Kylie said. “He's put together a band, and it's supposed to be a surprise, but I get the feeling you would appreciate the warning. He used to live in Eugene, did you know that? There's a rumor you used to date or something.”

  “We knew each other as kids. We did not date. Jeez, does anyone get anything done at that place, or just monger the gossip?”

  Kylie wrinkled her nose. “Is monger a verb? And exactly how well did you know each other as kids?”

  Nora held open the clinic door for Kylie. “One thing at a time,” she said cryptically. Cool as she was on the surface, underneath she wriggled and teemed with mixed emotions. Memories of Aaron and their almost-kiss at summer camp had been coming unbidden every night.

  Time flew by, and when Kylie came out, pink-cheeked after her session, Nora was still thinking about her first crush—her first love, Aaron.

  Since she was leaving town in just a few days, what was the harm in indulging in some nostalgia with Aaron? Her parents wouldn't need to know.

  *

  The best part about working in radio was every day was different, and studio guests could be a euphoric success or a spectacular failure. Disasters were better for ratings, so all week leading up to the zoo visit, they'd been playing highlights from previous visits: animals pooping on people, snakes getting loose, and Stevey smooching with a chimpanzee and describing its breath as “better than my last date.”

  Nora was able to get her mind off the prospect of seeing Aaron later that night only when the baby animals were brought in.

  She did her best to convey to her radio audience how adorable the baby grizzly bear was. “Dewey has big eyes and ears. He's mostly black, with some light brown around his snout. And he's biting me right now. Ow! Grizzly bear attack. Wait, that doesn't hurt.”

  “He likes you,” said the zookeeper, a tall, thin black man with closely-cropped hair. His smile said that perhaps the zookeeper also liked Nora. Since the cosmetic surgery, she'd been getting flirted with, and was starting to recognize it happening.

  Dewey the grizzly bear ran once around the studio and swatted playfully at the door. Nora provided the play-by-play, “Dewey has scampered to the exit. That's a good way to describe his gait, I think. He runs on all four paws, then he switches and stands up on his back legs like a tiny man. Now he's working the door handle. I think he heard Stevey is a good kisser, and that he keeps tuna sandwiches at his desk. We're going to bring Stevey into the studio in a bit here, and he'll report back to us about Dewey's smooching skills. That's alright with you, Marcus? Dewey doesn't have a girlfriend bear back at the zoo, does he?”

  Marcus flashed a bright grin. “Dewey will take what he can get. No, he doesn't have a girlfriend.” Marcus winked at Nora.

  She was enjoying the attention from young Marcus, but he seemed not to remember her from his last visit, a year earlier. He'd been far more interested in the assorted rodents he'd brought with him, and had resisted Nora's attempts to get any kind of chemistry between them. She hadn't been trying to date him that time, just get him to engage, and maybe it was her appearance, but he wasn't having any of it. By comparison, this visit he was warm, friendly, and eager to play along with her interview. Being a pretty girl was already helping her do her job better.

  Nora squealed and giggled as Dewey scampered back from the door and launched himself at her legs, pushing her backwards on her rolling chair. “That squeal was me being attacked by a Grizzly bear. We're going to play another song now, but if you don't hear back from me ...” She cupped her hand over her mouth and spoke in an exaggerated whisper, “Call for help.”

  She brought up the audio on the song gradually. “Or at least look at the photos uploading to the website right now. With my last, dying breaths, I will upload these photos of Dewey and his adorable little bear bum. That's right, I said bear bum. This is Nora in the Afternoon, now with extra bear bum.”

  *

  At eight, everyone from the station, except the skeleton crew who stayed behind to run the evening show, gathered in the Greek restaurant. It was a modest place that had been run by generations and showed signs of wear along with love. Summer storm clouds gathered outside, and the crowd inside hushed when lightning flashed across the evening sky. Nora's arms bristled with goosebumps, the whole of her body charged with electricity. She'd raced home to fix her hair and change clothes before the party, because she had a faint zoo smell from handling the critters. Stevey had received the worst of it, getting peed on while wrestling the grizzly cub. He hadn't gone home to change, and wore his gym sweatpants and a brand-new shirt from the station's souvenir shop.

  Nora ran her hands over her corkscrew curls. She'd been staying out of the summer sun—doctor's orders while the skin on her nose healed—and her golden hair was darker than it usually was that time of year, without the sun's highlights. It was extra buoyant from being freshly washed and dried with the diffuser. She'd been able to hang her head upside down to dry it—her nose had been healing on schedule and she was allowed to invert her head now, not that she'd made it back to one of Tianne's yoga classes yet.

  Aaron was there, setting up music equipment on the restaurant's little stage. They hadn't seen each other since the day she'd nearly broken his nose with the door. She touched her neck and imagined Aaron kissing her on it, then guiltily looked away from him.

  Aaron was in full rock star mode, with leather pant
s and a white linen shirt. His black hair had grown out since she'd last seen him, and he was easily the hottest guy in the room—not that there was much contest at a radio event.

  Looking at his muscular thighs, she felt a rush of desire for him and imagined a dozen scenarios, ways she might get him alone.

  The rain started coming down hard outside, and she told herself to go easy on the booze, even as she ordered another gin and tonic. Her parents had been thinking about coming by, even discussing what to wear when she'd been home getting changed, but she'd convinced them they'd be bored to tears by the party. The real reason was because she knew Aaron would be there, and she didn't want them upset. She'd loved him since before the accident, and she blamed herself, not him. Her parents were not as forgiving.

  Nora nibbled on some pita bread and chicken souvlaki to give the gin in her stomach some company. Kylie was eating too, and Nora wondered if the counselor had already made progress with her, or if the bulk of Kylie's food was disappearing into her napkin. She'd read about a few tricks while doing her research into Kylie's problem. Kylie caught Nora staring, and gave her a big grin before popping three olives in her mouth.

  “Kylie, those have pits in them,” Nora warned.

  Kylie pretended to swallow hard, her eyes big, then she spat the pits out into her hand. “We're going to miss you, Nora.”

  Stevey stopped behind Kylie's chair and tousled her hair. “What about Stevey? Won't you miss your pal, Stevey?”

  Kylie feigned ignorance. “What? Are you going somewhere?”

  In response, Stevey jumped up on a chair and did his orangutang impersonation, much to everyone's amusement. Nora worried about her new endeavor for the first time, wondering if she'd be able to keep up with Stevey. What had she gotten herself into?

  The live music started and everyone cheered for the band. Aaron was on lead guitar, and one of the interns from the station was on bass. The drummer was a woman with full sleeve arm tattoos and a strapless top that showed off the beautiful artwork. Two blue birds flew toward each other across her collarbones.

  Nora recognized the first song immediately, a Pearl Jam song. Aaron had come a long way from the skinny boy whose hair flopped over his eyes as he earnestly played those three chords. His voice had deepened and matured, and his version of the song was so emotional, that if she'd played in on her afternoon show, listeners would have begged for days to hear it again.

  Aaron looked over his audience, making eye contact with everyone, and stopping on Nora. It was time for the chorus again, but he strummed, mouth closed, as though he'd forgotten the words. Still staring at Nora, he hummed a few bars, then started singing the words again, his eyebrows raised to show his dismay at having flubbed up, not that many people had even noticed.

  Nora had noticed, though, and she realized with a start that she hadn't seen Aaron since her nose surgery. She'd gotten so used to her new look, but he was only seeing it now, and it seemed he couldn't look away.

  Nora felt a pulse of pleasure through every part of her body. It was like the endorphin rush at the end of a good yoga class, when she'd lie on the mat, exhausted but invigorated, savoring that precious moment and stretching it out to infinity.

  One of the administrators, a woman about the age of Nora's mother, commented about a desire to throw her underwear on the stage, and all the other women at their table laughed. Stevey talked about his own plans to buy leather pants, but Nora tuned him and the other guys out and focused on Aaron.

  After a few more songs, Kylie leaned in and whispered in Nora's ear, “I may have been wrong about thinking something was up between you and Stevey, but I'm not wrong now, am I? Aaron is really into you. He's sexing you up ferociously with his eyes.”

  “I used to be in love with him,” Nora whispered back.

  “Used to be?”

  “I don't know, Kylie. I feel like I'm about to make another mistake, and I don't care.”

  “Just because he wears leather pants and sings in a band doesn't mean ... oh, wait, actually, that's sort of the definition of mistake.”

  “Kylie!”

  “And exactly the kind of mistake a girl should make.”

  *

  After Aaron and his makeshift band finished their set, the restaurant's DJ put on some uptempo Greek music, and the dancers came out: a man and a woman in midriff-baring outfits. They shook their bodies and clapped the castanets in their hands, working the crowd up. The woman was impressive and gorgeous, but the man was even more flexible, moving like water between the tables and chairs, batting his thick eyelashes at men and women alike.

  Nora nearly ran into Aaron on her way back from the washroom. He said simply, “I'd like to show you my home studio before you leave town.”

  “It's still early.” She leaned in toward him, standing in his space. “Why not tonight?”

  The years that had passed disappeared.

  He looked to the dark restaurant windows, shimmering with rivulets of rain. “I can go get my vehicle and bring it around front so your hair doesn't get wet.”

  “It's just rain,” she said.

  They stared at each other in silence. Time split apart and came back together, and she didn't feel the need to say anything else.

  “Do you need to get your purse?” he asked, looking deeply into her eyes.

  “My wallet's in my pocket.”

  He took her hand in his, and led her out the door.

  The summer rain was warm, the air in her lungs humid. He brought her to a black Range Rover and opened the door.

  “Do you need a hand up the step?” he offered.

  She turned and looked up at his face, the rain no longer catching in her curly hair but falling on her cheeks and eyelids. It had rained that night too; it was what had made the roads so dangerous. She shivered.

  He grinned up at the sky and then looked down at her. “This rain is not great for my leather pants.”

  “I guess we should get in the truck then,” she said, but she didn't move.

  “There's something different about you.”

  “I'm all grown up.” She reached up and ran her finger along his jaw. “So are you.” He caught her fingers and held them to his lips.

  She shivered again, but not from the rain. The drinks in the restaurant, plus the knowledge she was leaving town in a matter of days, made her bold. “We never did get that kiss,” she said.

  He bent down and kissed her on the forehead, like you would kiss a little sister. “You're getting soaked.”

  “Really? A forehead kiss? You know, I could be home packing.”

  “Maybe we should get you a taxi home,” Aaron said. He held back from her, his hands now in his pockets.

  Feeling the burn of rejection, Nora narrowed her eyes at Aaron and wondered if her friend Bobby might be around his apartment.

  Trying to sound light, she said, “Some other time,” and stepped away from the truck.

  His gaze was down on her shoes, watching closely. Sneak a peek at the freak show, she thought angrily. Unlike her parents, she'd never blamed Aaron for the accident, but in that moment, as she walked away from him, trying so hard to keep from showing any limp, any weakness, she did blame him.

  He called after her, but she didn't turn around. The rain on her face and arms felt good.

  *

  After circling the block and getting thoroughly drenched, Nora returned to the party, and mopped herself off with paper towels in the washroom. She found Kylie, told her what had happened, and switched over to coffee for the rest of the evening. In the dim light of the restaurant, nobody noticed her rain-soaked shirt and hair.

  Uncle Don seemed to be having the time of his life, so proud of his extended work family.

  After the party wrapped up, Stevey drove Nora home, and they listened to the station along the way. As of that night, neither of them worked there anymore, and they exchanged looks as the station aired promo spots for both of their replacements. Stevey's former co-host Davey was getting a
young man nicknamed The Jackal. Nora's afternoon show would be hosted by a gravel-voiced woman named Raven. She dyed her hair black and wore feathers as everyday accessories. Nobody was sure if she had Native American heritage, or if it was just part of her image.

  One of the male intern's voices came on live, and he sounded thrilled to have the station to himself that evening. He rambled on, proclaiming Raven's voice to sound “like how long, sexy nails feel on your back.”

  Nora clicked off the radio. “Why does everything have to be about sex? Why is everyone so obsessed with rutting like wild animals?”

  “Uh, speak for yourself,” Stevey said. “I could take it or leave it.”

  Nora slapped him on the arm. “Oh, come on. That's got to be a pickup line. Are you putting the moves on me? What, am I supposed to try to rise to the challenge and prove that sex is actually great?”

  “I'm serious,” Stevey said. “I play the part of a red-blooded American male on the radio, but I'd much rather have a simple cuddle or play Scrabble.”

  “So, you're gay.”

  “No. Just ... well, the technical term is asexual. Since we're going to be working together, I thought you should know.”

  “So, you won't be hitting on me?”

  “On air, I plan to pursue you relentlessly. It'll be good for our dynamic. Don't you think?”

  “What if I were the one pursuing you?” Nora asked.

  He shook his head and put on the turn signal to turn onto her street. “It doesn't work that way. The audience would never accept it. You should be enthusiastic about food, though. Talk about big juicy hamburgers and how you can't get enough. We could do something with that.”

  “Are you pulling my leg about this asexual thing?” she asked.

  Stevey's face went pale, and Nora realized what she'd said. She usually tried to avoid the expression, pulling my leg, because it made people think about things they didn't want to imagine, like what did that atrophied little stump of a leg inside her prosthetic really look like.

  He said, “I swear it's the truth, but can you keep it between us?”