by Vivian Lux
“For them?” she asked.
I looked at her, confused. It was pretty fucking obvious the answer was, “Yes. I’m trying to help them move on with their lives.”
She closed her eyes and then opened them again and the fierceness suddenly blazed out from them again. “What about you?”
“What do you mean?”
“Your future,” she said, sliding up the wall to stand straight and tall. “Your happiness. What about you moving forward, huh? When does that happen?”
I balled my fists at my side but the anger came anyway. “I could say the same thing to you, couldn’t I?” I shouted. “About your parents. And what about that ex who keeps texting you and texting you and you keep fucking ignoring it? Don’t think I didn’t hear your phone buzzing at all hours of the night last night.”
She sagged back against the wall again. “I guess we both have out shit.”
I turned back to the refrigerator. “I guess we do.” I knelt down and rummaged around for some eggs, then gave up and just grabbed a piece of bread and stuffed it angrily into my mouth. I stood back up again and shut the door and nearly jumped out of my skin to see that Aria was standing right there.
“Tell you what,” she said eagerly. “I’ll fix mine if you fix yours.”
“What?”
“You talk to Jesse.”
“And you’ll talk to your ex?”
“No, I’m not ready for that yet,” she said, casting her eyes down. “But I will talk to my parents.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
Aria Jane
“I’m sorry,” I repeated, looking up at him.
His eyes darted sideways as I touched his arm. I could feel the tension in his muscles, how badly he wanted to move away from me and it broke my fucking heart. How had I misjudged him so badly?
“I’m sorry,” I said again, then let a ghost of a smile play about my lips. “But that’s just talk. I know what will make you believe me.”
“Aria,” he said, but I was already sinking to my knees there on the kitchen floor. His hips twitched a little as I undid the button on his jeans, but I could already see the shape of him lengthening underneath.
“Derek,” I told him. “I trust you.”
He looked down and something flickered past his face. “Get up,” he ordered.
“Don’t you want me to…?”
“Of course I do. But not right now. Get up,” he said again. “I’m sorry too. For keeping secrets. I’ve gotten far too used to them. I forgot what it was like to be….” He trailed off.
I looked at him. “To be?” I prompted.
He smiled and his eyes softened. “Open. Comfortable.” He reached down and lifted me up, pressing his hands to each side of my face. “Happy.”
His kiss was slow and melting. I felt everything he put into it and I gave it right back to him. Wrapping my arms around his neck I pulled him closer, pressing my body to his, closer, closer, I couldn’t get close enough to this man, this incredibly selfless man whom I had so badly misjudged. I threw myself against him, sending him stumbling back against the cupboard. “Oof,” he groaned as the lip of the counter caught him in the small of the back.
I pulled back and winced. “Sorry again,” I grimaced. “I just keep fucking things up, don’t I?”
He sighed and touched my face. “That fuck up was far less spectacular than your last one,” he chided me.
I gave him a hearty whack on the shoulder, then spotted something over it. I stood on my tiptoes and peered out the kitchen window. “Hey, you never finished shoveling, right? Did you order a plow or something?" I asked.
Derek looked confused, and turned around. His confusion melted away into a disbelieving grin. "Holy shit. It's my brother."
The shiny, brand-new pickup truck dropped its plow with a bang, and then roared forward, angling away from the house so that all the snow was now piled high to the left side. Then he backed up, and did the same thing again.
In the span of about thirty seconds, he'd clear the entire driveway.
"Well then…" Derek muttered, and went to the door.
The driver’s door opened, and out slid a near carbon copy of Derek. His brother was slimmer, with darker hair, and narrower nose. I remembered him from high school very vaguely, especially when he surveyed his work with the same smug look of satisfaction he wore in the hallways of Reckless Falls High. “And I didn't even screw it up that bad, look at that!" Cole Granger crowed.
"I never ever thought I'd say this, but you seem to know what you're doing with that thing” Derek called from the porch.
His brother came up, slapped him on the back, then punched him in the arm. "I knew you'd be too damn stubborn to hire a service for yourself. I was actually surprised you weren’t out there trying to shovel all that shit by yourself."
"He was," I interjected.
Cole looked over at me, then did a double take to see me standing in Derek’s doorway wearing Derek’s shirt, while Derek wore none. I could see the gears turning in his head, and started to blush but decided I didn’t give a shit.
"Hey, I remember you," I said, extending my hand.
"I remember you too," he said. “You’re a Dolan, right?"
I nodded. "Aria."
Cole did another double take. "Jane Doe,” he said excitedly. “Right?"
I was never going to stop being surprised that my old life followed me home. ”That's right,” I nodded.
Cole shook his head, his gaze bouncing back and forth from between me and Derek like he was watching a tennis match. "I've been to a couple of your shows," he said. "Back when I was living in New York." He looked Derek with his eyes narrowed. "Damn," was all he would say.
Derek shoved his hands in his pockets. “Shut up, Cole,” he mumbled.
I laughed. "I just put a pot of coffee on, Cole, do you want to come in?”
Cole raised an eyebrow at Derek. "She's allowed to invite people into your house too?"
Derek looked at me. "She's allowed to do anything she wants. Nothing can stop her, least of all me.“
I grinned at him.
Colt Granger followed me into the house, stomping his feet against the mat. He shed his snowy coat, then ruffled his hand through his hair. "You know how I can tell you two are just starting to get to know each other?" he observed.
"Watch it," Derek warned.
Cole spread his hands innocently. "What, I was just going to say, it's because Aria here is up while you shovel. Autumn got the call that school was closed and she just rolled back over and stayed in bed. She's been asleep I think about fourteen hours now.”
I snuck a private glance at Derek. If Cole only knew just how much we’d been through this morning he wouldn’t say anything about us ‘just starting out.’ I reached out and grasped Derek’s hand and he squeezed it tightly. Then I smiled at Cole. “Autumn, you said, right? Autumn Melton?"
"The very one," Cole said, looking so freaking proud that I had to smile too.
“You two were together back in high school too, right?" I asked politely.
He shook his head ruefully. "And we should have never been apart."
"It all worked out though, right?” I asked. I had no idea why I felt suddenly nervous.
Cole smiled wide. "I'll say it did," he said decisively.
I laughed. "Well thanks for coming over and digging out Mr. Stubborn here."
"She thanks me, what about my own brother?" Cole asked.
I tapped my fingers against the counter as a plan began to take shape. There was no time like the present to keep my promise to Derek. ”Hey Cole, where are you headed next?"
Cole sipped his coffee, and then shook his head. "I was just be heading back to the house."
"Do you know my parents?"
"Not very well, no. They’re on the eastern side of town, right?"
I nodded. "My dad’s probably out trying to shovel right now.”
Cole set at his mug down. “Sure, I’ll go dig them out, no problem. Be
good practice, actually."
I squared my shoulders. ”Actually, would you mind if I came with you? I'd like to check in on them.”
Derek turned and looked at me sharply. I nodded. He widened his eyes and nodded back.
The three of us piled into Cole’s pickup, but not before Derek threw a shovel in the back.
The ride through the back roads was a little hair-raising, especially after my accident, but I found that if I closed my eyes, I could pretend I wasn't about to die every two seconds. Wherever the snow had drifted over the road, Cole stopped and dropped his plow, and Derek mumbled at him to stop being such a damn show off.
It took longer than normal to reach my parents’ house, but we arrived in one piece. All at once the nervousness I’d been feeling the whole ride over exploded. My hands shook in my lap and I tried to steady my breathing.
I saw the curtains flutter in the window at the sudden appearance of a plow. I breathed a sigh of relief that my father wasn’t outside struggling with the wet heavy snow.
Cole had driveway cleared in about ten seconds flat. I took a deep breath. Derek looked at me, and I looked back at him. "Time to get our shit together, right?” I said, low so that Cole couldn't hear.
Derek said nothing, but he kissed me, hard and insistent. "Good luck," he said.
"You too," I whispered. Then I shut the door and waved as they drove off.
The curtain at the window fluttered again. I took a deep breath, and then went to my parents’ door.
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
Derek
I stood in front of the small, ranch-style house, as the sound of Cole’s pick up receded into the distance. Jesse and his family lived out on the south end of town, one of the few neighborhood houses before the highway opened up. It was a small, one-story place, with an addition on the back, and a wheelchair ramp up the side. I swallowed when I thought about what that ramp meant and why it was there.
Then I got to work.
The storm had dumped about eighteen inches of heavy, wet stuff. Clearing it from Jesse's driveway was backbreaking work, and for a second I thought about calling Cole back.
But that wasn't why I was here.
As I cleared it, one shovelful of the time, I cleared away the guilt. Lifting the heavy, wet slop was a form of atonement, digging myself on out from under the mass of guilt and remorse that had weighed me down for three long years. For all this time I had been atoning in secret, playing the role of anonymous benefactor and for what? To make it up to the man I’d wronged, sure, but he had no idea I was apologizing.
I shook my head ruefully. It took Aria to make me realize that my secret work had nothing to do with apology, and everything to do with my ego. I couldn’t face what I’d done to Jesse, so I’d hidden from him and tried to fix it in secret.
But no more.
This was my apology. This was my action that would speak louder than anything I’d done before. Because I was here. Out of my comfortably hidden perch on the ridge and down here helping my friend.
I was so intent on my task, that I didn't notice the seated figure on the porch until I was almost on top of him.
He was watching me, I don't know how long he had been watching me, but he didn't say a word. He sat in his wheelchair, his gloved hands resting on his lap, quietly watching me as I dug out his family. Small boot prints were scattered through the snow. His daughter had already been out here, probably attempting to build a snowman.
I went back to my shoveling, I could feel him watching me, but I said nothing until I had the whole driveway clear. Then I turned to him. "Do you have a hoe or something?" I asked.
He nodded once. "It's in the garage. I’ll go open it." He rolled himself inside and I waited for a second until the garage door opened by itself. I stepped in to see the line of gardening implements hung neatly on the wall. "Kenzie has a garden, in the summertime," Jesse explained in the doorway. "She usually does the shoveling too but…”
“She's pregnant." I looked it up at him. "I know. Congratulations by the way."
His eyebrows lifted, but he didn't say anything, and after a moment I took the hoe out into the driveway and began to use it to hack up the layer of icy slush that still coated the driveway. It came up in great satisfying chunks and with each stroke, I revealed a section of clear driveway. I use the shovel to clear it all away, and finally scraped the entire driveway clean.
I stopped to catch my breath, and looked up where Jesse was still sitting in his chair, watching me from his garage. He wasn’t wearing his prosthetic today and I got a good long look at the stump where his leg used to be. The heaviness of things unsaid hung in the air and after a moment he nodded once. "You want to come in and warm up?" he called.
I swallowed and nodded, and followed him into the small house. He gestured to the couch which was strewn with toys and stuffed animals and assorted baby crap. I heard nails on a hardwood floor and looked up. “Oh my god, Mojo?" I called to the big friendly yellow lab. He sniffed, and let out a small woof of recognition, then came trotting over, tail wagging, to put his head in my lap. "Hey Mojo dude, you're getting old," I said, scratching him behind the ears. The gray hairs around his eyes making him look like he was wearing a mask. I patted him on his side, and he let out a contented snuffling sound before settling down at my feet.
Jessie rolled in with a mug. "I'd offer you a nip of something, but…" he trailed off.
I nodded. “This is fine." I took a sip of the microwaved hot cocoa.
Jessie watched me with inscrutable eyes. "I've missed you, man," he said. "How've you been?"
I leaned back on the couch. How had I been? Wasting time with arrogance, remorse, and guilt. "I'm doing better," I said. "How about you?"
Just then, Kenzie came waddling in, her great big belly leading first. She had a sleepy looking toddler in her arms. She went over to Jesse and stood next to him with concern in her eyes, watching me warily.
Jessie threaded his arm around his wife's waist. "I'm doing better too,” he said. “Got a new leg and everything. I can stand up and even take a few steps now. It’s pretty cool.” Then he looked up at his wife. "Kenzie? Do you remember Derek?"
Kenzie blinked, and a flash of something a little like anger shone in her eyes. But only for a second. It was there and then it was gone. Maybe I'd only imagined it, maybe I'd only expected to see it there and it never actually was. Because the next thing she did was smile. "Derek," she said, coming over to me. "It's so good to see you again."
CHAPTER THIRTY
Aria Jane
I'd already drunk too much coffee today, but I didn't say anything as my mother refilled my cup. Right now, with the way things were, it didn't feel right to refuse anything she wanted to give me.
She sat down heavily across from me. And once more, I was struck by the fact that she seemed so much older than the last time I'd seen her. From across the table at my grandfather’s place, she had seemed her old, formidable self. But now that I was this close to her, I could see that she’d changed just as much as I had. The skin around her eyes, always crepey, was now deeply furrowed, and the gray hairs she'd been fighting with for my entire childhood had won over her head completely. I couldn't tell if she'd lost weight or gained weight. Her face was thin, but her hips were well padded, and I got the sense that her knees were bothering her terribly.
My father came stomping in with another armful of wood. "We would've been okay," he muttered.
“Glenn,” my mother chided, gently. “It as a nice gesture. You’re going to give yourself a heart attack with that shovel.”
My father seemed about to say something else, but he pressed his lips together and went into the living room.
"He's really glad you're here," my mother said ineffectually.
I laughed lightly. "It's okay. We don't have to get everything done all at once in one visit, mom."
“You’re not here about the house, right?”
“Not at all.”
“You’re not
trying to sell it anymore?”
I took a deep breath. “I wasn’t thinking when I said that. There was no way I could do that to Dad.”
She nodded once, her eyes filling. “How are you up there? Do you like it? Are you happy?”
“You mean, am I going to stay?”
I could see her throat tighten as she swallowed. “Well, yes. Are you?”
I nodded once, just like she had. “I think so, Mom. Things are…they’re getting better.”
“I’m glad to hear that.”
“I’m working on a solo album,” I said.
She smiled softly. “I can’t wait to hear it.”
I nodded again and then looked down at my hands.
My mother twisted her wedding ring around, the way she always did when she was uncomfortable. "Was there, was there something else you wanted?" she asked haltingly.
The hurt that bubbled up, it was old hurt. I always thought she should just understand me without me explaining.
But I was my own person and she was too. I didn't need to feel that hurt.
I was beyond that now.
"Actually," I said. “Yes. There is something else.”
My mother looked up at me, hope in her eyes. "What can we do for you?"
The heartbreaking hope in her voice nearly made me cry. She'd always wanted to do things for me, but I’d never been able to accept them because I was too wrapped up in my own hurt. I took a deep breath. "Actually yeah. I was wondering if you might want to look at the albums with me."
Her eyes widened a little. Without a word, she stood up, dusting her hands off on the sides of her pants. “Glenn?” she called. "Come into the kitchen."
My father appeared in the doorway. "Why, what's going on?"
My mother's voice was soft, but strained. "Aria wants to look at the albums."
I felt something pass between them, and though I couldn't name it, I could feel it. It felt like something under great tension had suddenly released, like a rubber band snapping when stretched too far. Instantly, the air in the kitchen felt lighter.
My mother disappeared into the living room. I didn’t have to follow her. I could picture her kneeling down, reaching to gather up the precious albums in her arms from the bottom of the built-in shelf by the fireplace. Running her hand over the faded covers before she stood back up again.
