by Nicola Haken
Never Let Go
by Nicola Haken
Never Let Go
Copyright © 2014 Nicola Wall
This book is a work of fiction. All names, characters, places and events are created from the author’s imagination, or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to any actual events or people, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced without written permission from the author, except in the case of critics or reviewers who may quote brief passages in their review. If you are reading this eBook and have not purchased it or won it in a blogger/author competition then you are reading a pirated version. Please support the author by deleting this copy and purchasing it from an authorised distributor.
Dedicated to you. If you are reading this then you have helped support me on the wonderful journey this series has taken me on. Thank you for sticking with me. I love you.
“The best way out is always through.”
Contents
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Twenty-Two
Chapter Twenty-Three
Chapter Twenty-Four
Epilogue
Acknowledgements
About the Author
Chapter One
Dexter
I’m dying, Dexter…
I repeated the words over and over in my mind – the words that knocked the air clean from my lungs.
“You’re…” I began but seemingly couldn’t finish. Dying. A simple enough word, but one that refused to come out of my mouth nonetheless.
“I don’t want Emily to know yet.”
“Chris, you can’t keep something this huge from her,” I argued and I couldn’t prevent the slight tremble in my voice.
“I know,” he agreed. “I just want to know the specifics first. I should find out at my appointment tomorrow.”
“By specifics you mean…”
“How long I’ve got left.”
Fuck.
I was sure if I lifted my shirt up there would be bruises on my chest.
“Jesus, Chris…” I breathed out. “I don’t know what the fuck to say to you right now,” I admitted honestly, but then quickly thought of something. “So… you have cancer?” The word tasted bitter on my tongue.
“Brain tumor. Glioblastoma multiforme to be precise.”
“And they can’t treat it? Like at all?”
Chris shook his head and closed his eyes while he sucked in a deep breath.
“It’s a brain stem glioma. Apparently they’re practically impossible to treat. It’s the most sensitive and delicate part of the brain, and on top of that it’s grade four.”
“Grade four?”
“It means I have the most aggressive kind of tumor. They can’t remove it because of where it is, but chemotherapy might slow it down a little.”
“Might?” I repeated, all but a whisper.
“Guess I’ll find out tomorrow.”
“What time’s your appointment at?”
“Ten.”
“I’ll come with you.”
“No,” Chris said adamantly. “You’re not even supposed to know about this. I don’t want fussing over.”
“Tough shit. I do know, and I’m not fussing – I’m being a friend. Fuck knows I owe you, man. You had every right to want to beat my ass into next year, but you didn’t. You told me to fight for Emily, and it was the greatest piece of advice I’ve ever been given.”
I don’t think I’ll ever truly understand why he told me to fight for his sister. After everything I’d become and everything I’d put her through, I can only assume it’s because his time was running out and he needed to see her settled before he…
Yep, still can’t say it.
“I wouldn’t have told you to fight if I thought for one second you didn’t love her. Maybe I should blame you for ever being stupid enough to turn to that shit in the first place, but a stronger part of me thinks that’s the easy thing for me to do. I can’t imagine what you’ve been through. I mean, how hard must things be to force a person down that road? I could sit here on my high horse and tell you you’re a waste of a skin, that Emily deserves better… but the truth is, suddenly I know the enormity of what a second chance means. I think you deserve another shot, Dex, because fuck knows I wish I had one.”
BAM! Another thump to the chest…
“But know if you ever screw up that badly again, I will fucking haunt you. I swear I will be your very own live in poltergeist.”
“Stop it,” I said regretfully, shaking my head. “Stop talking like you’re already dead.” Chris sighed but before he could reply, his cell rang in his pocket.
“Hey, Emmie,” he said chirpily – like everything was completely fucking normal. He was expecting me to do that too, and I just didn’t know if that was even possible. “Sure… no problem… see you in ten.” After ending the call he turned in his seat to face me. “That was our ‘permission to come home’ call,” he told me. That must mean Emily had finished blowing up my surprise balloons or whatever she was planning. “So… you’ll keep this between me and you, yeah?”
“I don’t know, dude,” I groaned guilty. “After these last few months… I swore there’d be no more lies. I can’t betray her, Chris. I just… can’t.”
Honestly? I wished I’d never found that goddamn letter.
“Please, Dex,” he begged before sighing heavily. “Just until tomorrow. Let me get this appointment out the way – know where I stand… then I’ll…” Seeing the faint sparkle of a tear sitting precariously on the brink of Chris’ left eye was one of the most heart-wrenching things I’d ever seen. “Tell her I’m… dying.”
How was I supposed to say no to a dying man for Christ’s sake? And it was only for one day. Surely if she found out I’d only known for one day, and she knew what Chris had asked of me, she’d understand right? Fuck, I hope so.
“One day,” I reluctantly agreed. “I’m sorry, Chris but I can’t do any longer than that. I promised her she could trust me and I’m not prepared to let her down again.”
“One day. That’s all I want. Thank you, Dex.”
“And I’m coming with you tomorrow.” Chris tried to interrupt but I cut him off. “I’m coming or the deal’s off.” I was talking shit of course. I wouldn’t have said anything to Emily, but he didn’t know that and I didn’t want him going alone. Nobody should have to go through something like this on their own.
“Fine. I’ll pick you up at nine. Tell Emmie we’re heading to a car auction or something.”
I nodded as Chris twisted his key in the ignition. I looked down and noticed that my pants were still damp from spilling the bottle of water. Stupid fucking water. That’s what led to all this in the first place. If I hadn’t been looking for something to clean myself up with I’d have never found that letter and now I wouldn’t be heading home to spend the afternoon lying to my girlfriend with a fake smile on my face.
Trouble was, I wasn’t sure how convincing that smile was going to be.
**********
Pausing outside the front door of Aunt Sarah’s hous
e, I dragged in a deep breath, rolled my shoulders, stretched my neck and then put my game face on.
“Don’t forget to act surprised,” Chris reminded me from behind. I wasn’t supposed to know about my ‘surprise party’, but seemingly Chris couldn’t be bothered keeping the secret. I know ‘party’ is probably stretching it a little but it didn’t matter. So what if I didn’t have a ton of friends and family coming to celebrate? When I opened that door I was about to be met by the two most important people in my life. I didn’t want or need anything else on my birthday… or any other day.
I turned my key in the lock and couldn’t help smiling when I heard the sound of shoes scurrying across the hardwood floor.
“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” Emily and Aunt Sarah sang in unison, stretching their arms away from their bodies and popping streamers. My face melted into a smile as I walked briskly towards Emily, scooped her up in my arms and twirled her around. “Stop!” she squealed. “You’re making me dizzy!”
“I fucking love you, doll,” I said, lowering her down and clutching her to my chest like she might detonate if I dared let her go.
“I know it’s not much,” she said, shrugging gently in my arms. “I just wanted you to have something to remember today by, that’s all.”
I cupped her chin and tilted her head so she was forced to look at me.
“You still don’t get it, do you? Every single second I spend with you makes me feel like the luckiest guy in the world. I don’t need, or particularly want, huge parties or lavishing with gifts… I’ve got you, doll. In my book that makes this my best birthday ever.”
“Well I’ll just head on out then, huh?” Aunt Sarah interrupted, acting playfully insulted.
“Aw I’m sorry, sweet cheeks, am I leaving you out?” I teased, giving Emily a final squeeze before letting her go and striding towards Aunt Sarah. Just like Emily, I scooped her up and spun her around – only instead of giggling, she got pissed.
“Put me down!” she shouted, swatting my shoulder. Laughing, I did as I was told. “I’m too old for all that nonsense,” she argued, smoothing her skirt with the palms of her hands.
“It’s my birthday. You can’t be mad at me on my birthday,” I said, looking up through my eyelashes like chicks do to make you feel guilty for something.
“So,” Chris chimed. I’d almost forgotten he was there and the second I remembered my chest tightened. “Where’s the alcohol? This is a party right?” I don’t know how cancer works but I didn’t think he should be drinking, so I shot him a discreet warning glare. At least I thought it was discreet until I caught Emily following my gaze.
“Chris!” she scolded. “Seriously? After everything?” Phew. Emily was blaming my addiction on the look of distaste I gave Chris. “Insensitive much?”
“Shit yeah. Um, sorry, mate,” Chris uttered. The second Emily turned away however he flashed me a wink and slapped his wrist. I had to bite my lip to stop myself from laughing at him.
I understand why Emily worries, and I adore her for it – but Chris ‘gets it’. He gets that addiction is my issue, and that I don’t want it hindering anyone else. If someone wants a drink, they should have a drink. After all, alcohol is freely available wherever you go in the world. If I wanted it, I would get it. Simple as that. Yes, having that train of thought makes me a selfish bastard, but it’s the thought process of an addict and one which I doubt I’ll ever overcome.
Thankfully though, every time I think of Emily I know in my heart I will never risk losing her again. She’s my everything. I need her more than any drink, any drug…and whenever I feel her lips against mine, I sometimes think I need her more than oxygen.
We spent the afternoon popping balloons, pulling streamers and eating Jell-O. Yeah you read that right – Emily made Jell-O! She’d even laid out chips, mini sausages and other finger foods you find at kids parties. It was as if she were trying to make up for all the birthdays I’d missed as a kid, and impossibly I loved her even more for it.
Emily bought me another miniature Harley which I freakin’ love. She felt bad because that’s all we can afford right now but I wish I could get it through to her that she alone is enough.
“You know you’ve started a tradition right?” I said, admiring the toy in my hand. “I expect one of these every year now.”
“You can collect them,” she agreed, her smile wide and stunning. Fuck she’s beautiful. “Then when you’re old and wrinkly you can pass them down to our grandbabies.”
Wow. That one word – grandbabies – set my heart fluttering and I couldn’t help leaning into her and kissing those beautiful lips until my dick started to ache.
“Jeez, you two! Wait until bedtime will you?” Aunt Sarah piped up as she entered the living room with a tray of drinks – milkshakes with whipped cream and sprinkles. I swear this was the best birthday ever.
**********
“I’m glad you liked your surprise,” Emily whispered in my ear. Chris headed home after finishing his milkshake and now Emily was sitting on my lap. I’d just removed her hair tie, letting her soft red curls spill down her back.
“The surprises aren’t over yet, doll.”
“Eh?” she raised her head off my shoulder and looked up at me with quizzical eyes. Jared texted me about five minutes ago saying he and Snickers were just getting into a taxi at the train station.
“You’ll find out in about five minutes.”
“Dex, this is your birthday. What have you gone and done?”
She was sitting completely upright on my knee now – too curiously agitated to settle back down.
“You’re right. Today is my birthday, but it’s also the first day of the rest of our lives. Things are looking up for us, doll, and after today everything is going to be perfect. Our life together is going to be perfect – better than perfect in fact. Amazing.” I said that because that was the speech I’d had planned in my head all day. So when the words left my lips I stared at her intently, absorbing every second of her beautiful smile - because I knew after Chris’ revelation tomorrow, I might not get to see it again for a long time.
Chapter Two
Emily
Oh God was he going to propose? I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. I’m only twenty years old. Was I ready for marriage? It only took one look in Dexter’s deep blue eyes for me to realise that yes, yes I was.
Just seconds later, and before I could probe Dexter further, there was a knock at the door. I groaned and rolled my eyes. I was so comfy nestled in Dexter’s lap and I didn’t want to move.
“You’re gonna want to answer that, doll,” Dexter said with a broad smile. I looked curiously towards the door. Flowers perhaps? Maybe that was my surprise. Raising an eyebrow at him, I reluctantly peeled myself away from his warm body and made my way to the door.
When I opened it my heart jumped into my throat.
“Hey, ho.”
I stumbled back a step and stared at the best friend I thought I’d pushed away for good. The first thing I noticed was the ‘ordinary’ shade of her brown hair. The second thing my eyes honed in on was the shiny new jewel dangling from her lip. And the third… was the size of her belly.
“Oh my God, are you…”
“Pregnant,” she finished for me. I clutched a hand to my chest, overwhelmed by shock, excitement and a hefty dose of guilt.
“Are you going to invite us in, sugar?” Jared piped up in the background. Amazingly, I hadn’t even noticed him standing behind Rachel with his hands on the handles of her wheelchair.
“Sorry,” I muttered, completely flustered and blinking rapidly. “Come in,” I added, stepping aside. Edging backwards I bumped into Dexter and when I looked at him he was wearing a devious grin. He planned this – this was his surprise. Jared and Dexter shook hands and then pulled each other into a manly, one armed hug before starting to chatter like they’d never been apart. Rachel and I however, just stared at each other.
“You’re… I mean I just can’t believe you’re….�
� I stuttered dumbly, nodding towards her belly. “I didn’t even know you and Jared…” I shook my head in an effort to unscramble my thoughts. I thought back to the last time we talked, but it was so long ago I couldn’t even really remember what she said. All that stood out was the tone of her voice – how angry she sounded… how hurt. I’m sure she mentioned things weren’t going anywhere with Jared though. “Wait, is the baby….” Jeez, why couldn’t I finish my sentences?
“Yes, Em,” Rachel nodded with an amused smirk. “They’re Jared’s.”
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to make you sound like a slut or anyth-Wait – did you say they?”
“We’re having twins,” she stated proudly. The words darted straight into my heart and exploded.
“God, Rachel. I-I…” Argh! Why the hell couldn’t I speak like a functioning human being?
“Come here, ho.” Rachel opened her arms for me and without hesitation I leapt forward, planted myself on her knees and wrapped my arms around her neck.
“I’m so sorry,” I whimpered into her neck, my tears flowing freely against my will. “I’m so bloody sorry.”
“That’s not going to get us anywhere, Em. We fucked up. We tried to cope alone and we’re obviously shit at that. But for what it’s worth, I’m sorry too.”
“I’ve missed you so much,” I told her, squeezing her tight. Then I remembered the babies. “God I’m sorry! I didn’t squash them did I?”
Rachel burst out laughing and then Jared sarcastically told her to eff off.
“See, babe… you’re not the only idiot in the village.”
“Am I missing something?” I asked inquisitively.
“I asked the doctor if the fact Rach is sitting down all the time would squash the babies,” Jared clarified with an exaggerated eye roll. “So come on, guys, enjoy your laugh at Jared moment and get it over with.”
“Dude,” Dexter said, clapping Jared’s shoulder. “You really need to stop speaking in public.”
