by Alexa Davis
“You know I feel it, too, right?” Xander abruptly turned to face me, propping his body up onto his elbow. “You know that I love you.”
Oh, wow, that made me feel utterly incredible inside. He loved me; he felt the same way that I did. We were on the same page in this romance. We were connected in every way possible. Even with all the bad stuff going on in my life, Xander was making me feel amazing.
“You do?” I gasped, unable to disguise the happiness in my voice.
“Of course, I do.” He grinned happily at me. “I wouldn’t have said it, otherwise. I think I felt it from the very first moment I saw you. I just didn’t recognize it for what it was then, you know?”
“Yeah... I think maybe I did, too.”
I recalled that moment, backstage at the fundraiser, when I realized that he was the man who had given all the money to the orphans. My heart reached out to him, even then. I had the strong sense that he was going to alter me in some way, not that I knew quite how much.
“So, where do we go from here?” I smiled happily at Xander, love filling my eyes as I spoke. I couldn’t believe how lucky I was, how happy I was with him. I couldn’t believe how he made me feel.
“Well, you need to rest up, right? Which means you won’t be able to work. And, I’m sure with all the stress, Kyle won’t want to be leaving your side much, either.”
“Right.” I sat up straighter, starting to sense that this conversation was going somewhere. I just couldn’t for the life of me work out where.
“So, why don’t you guys move in with me for a bit? You know how huge my house is. It’s way too big for me on my own. It could use a bit of life injected into it, and we can all have our own privacy, too. It’s closer to the hospital, so we can get you to your outpatient appointments easily. It’s close to the studio, so if Kyle wants to come in and do some recording, he can, and neither of us will be too far away from you.”
“Oh, no.” I shook my head sharply. “I could never do that to you. You’ve already done so much for me.”
“But I want to do it, I wouldn’t suggest it, otherwise. I want you both with me. And come on, you must see that it makes sense. You don’t want to add financial difficulties to your list of issues now, do you?”
“Wow, okay... Well...” Excitement grew as all the possibilities flooded my mind. Is this possible? Can we do this? It certainly felt like the next logical step. “Yeah, okay. Well, obviously, I’ll have to talk to Kyle about it, but I think that’s a great plan! Thank you, so much.”
He wrapped his arms tightly around me, pulling me close, and as he did, I felt my chest swell with pride and love. This was the best thing to ever happen to me. I couldn’t believe how lucky I was, and it seemed that I was about to get a whole lot luckier.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Xander (Two Weeks Later, Monday)
I stared happily at Lila as she lay in my bed, looking like a beautiful angel with her limbs sprawled across the sheets. I was so happy to have her in my house. She made the place so much brighter, and I couldn’t even recall how it used to be before she got there. It was almost as if my life began the day she walked through those doors with her bags clasped between her fingers.
“Do you want something to eat?” I asked her as she finally stirred awake. “I was thinking about making pancakes and bacon. Does that sound good to you?”
“Mmmm, that sounds amazing,” she murmured joyfully. “You’ve been so good to me since I got here.”
“Well, that won’t end any time soon,” I did my best to assure her. “So, don’t you worry about that.”
I moved into the kitchen to cook for her while she got herself dressed, whistling brightly to myself the entire time. It had been a couple of weeks since she moved in, but my feet still didn’t totally touch the ground as I walked, my heart hadn’t fallen from throat, and my belly was still hot and happy. In short, this was the best time of my life, and it didn’t seem to be slowing down.
“Hey.” I grinned at Kyle, who was sitting drinking coffee and reading the paper at my dining table. “How are you feeling?”
“I’m good.” I could tell that he didn’t feel totally comfortable living under my roof, which made me sad. That wasn’t what I wanted at all. I wanted him to be relaxed here. I wanted him to enjoy himself. “I’m just taking a look at the apartment section, trying to find somewhere else to live.”
“There isn’t any rush to go, you know?” I insisted. “I’m happy to have you here for as long as you’d like.”
“I know, but with Michael having me recording more piano work, and the odd jobs on top of that, I’m earning good money now. I don’t need to be here, and I don’t want to be under your feet.” He smiled happily, showing me that this was actually what he wanted. I couldn’t deny him that.
“I am grateful for you letting me stay, but I think it’s time for me to move on. I need to do it now, while Lila’s distracted, or she might never let me go.”
“Yeah, that’s fair enough,” I grinned and nodded. “It might be a little hard for her to let you leave. So, are you working today?”
“I am, actually. It’s pretty cool doing all this back up stuff for other bands. I’m enjoying it.”
“Do you have time for pancakes and bacon? I’m just about to cook it for Lila?”
“Oh, no, I better get going.” He scraped the chair back noisily, and nodded at me. “I’ll see you later, okay?”
As he left the kitchen behind, I paused thoughtfully for a moment, thinking about Kyle. He seemed so much more confident than the first time I’d met him. He had come a long way, and I was proud of him for that. I could see that he was ready to live alone, that he had it in him to survive by himself, but I wasn’t sure Lila would find it so easy. They’d been together for so many years. It had only been them in an ever-changing world. They had been through a very different experience in the foster care system than me, and it was only because they had each other that they’d survived that.
Kyle needed this, though. He had to have some room to grow, and this was the perfect time for him to do that. I just hoped it didn’t freak Lila out. She’d been through so much recently. I didn’t want her to hurt over this, too.
Anyway, that wasn’t my worry for now. What I needed to do was get Lila’s breakfast finished. I was trying my best to take one moment at a time, so I didn’t get too freaked out about the future. And if I wasn’t careful, I was about to lose all of that.
“Here we go,” I announced loudly in a sing song voice. “I have pancakes...” But as I swung the bedroom door open using my ass, I could see her sitting on the bed with her cell phone clutched so tightly between her fingers that her knuckles were turning white. He skin was pale, her expression panicked. While I was in the kitchen, I must have missed something huge.
“Are you okay, Lila? What’s going on?” I dropped the pancakes on the side and moved closer to her on the bed.
“The doctor just called me...” She stared up into my eyes, sorrow filling them. “I have to have chemo. The pills aren’t totally working, so that’s the next step.”
“Oh, right.” I tried to keep calm even though panic was bulldozing through my system. “Okay, well, that’s all right. We’ll get through it.” I didn’t care what she said – there was no way I was going to leave her now. I hoped she wouldn’t ask, but it didn’t matter even if she did. “You’ll be fine.”
“I’m going to be so sick,” she murmured quietly. “I’ll lose my hair. I’ll be in the hospital lots...”
“I know, but it won’t be too bad,” I replied firmly. “I’ll be there for you through every step, so you don’t have to worry. I love you, and I’ll help you.”
“I love you, too,” she gasped, before collapsing against me and letting the sobs rack through her entire body.
While she cried, letting the emotion out, I held her close to my chest. My mind was racing at a million miles an hour, all kinds of thoughts consuming me, but I was doing my best to control them.
Right now, I just needed to be there for Lila – that was all that mattered.
“Do you know what the worst thing is?” She eventually pulled back to look at me, and as I saw her wet face, my heart shattered. I’d never seen such a sad face in my life, and it tore me apart. “I’ve been working on a song, one that I hoped I’d be able to put on the second album if we ever made one. Now I’ll probably lose my voice and never get to do it.” Her bottom lip wobbled. I had to fix this.
“So, why not record it now? We can put it as an extra track on the first album.” Sure, work had already started, but that didn’t matter. It could be halted. If Lila was about to lose her ability to sing, it would be a crime not to do this. “We can go down to the studio today if you want and get it done?”
“Won’t that be too much of a pain?” she asked, but her eyes betrayed how she felt about this. She needed it, even if she didn’t yet know how much.
“Of course not. This is fine.”
“Okay...” She nodded slowly, a little bit of hope returning to her expression. “Okay, if you’re sure. I might just need to have a long bath first, to get rid of all this negativity. If this is going to be the last thing I record, then I need it to be incredible. I don’t want this sadness to affect the positive message of the song.”
“What’s it about?” I asked, curiosity getting the better of me. Something told me that this was her most important work to date, and that intrigued me. “If you don’t mind me asking.”
“It’s actually about you.” She blushed lightly and shrugged her shoulders, trying to remain cool. “I’ve been writing it over the last few days, using the amazing way you’ve been treating me as inspiration. It’s ready. I just didn’t think I’d have to record it yet.”
I held her close to me, pressing her body against mine. “You’re so strong, so inspirational,” I told her honestly. “You should be proud of what you’ve done.”
“Stop it,” she chuckled lightly. “You’re gonna set me off again. I need to get washed up before I totally fall apart.”
“Okay, you go.”
I watched her with a smile as she made her way into the bathroom, feeling a huge bolt of genuine pride as she moved. Sure, the next few weeks and months were going to be difficult, it would cause a massive strain on her, but I wanted to be her rock. I needed that.
But first, I needed to do something else.
“Hello, Kyle?” I hissed into the phone. “Listen, I know you’re busy today at the studio, but do you maybe have some time this afternoon?”
“Why, what’s going on?”
I hated having to betray Lila, but I needed to ensure that everyone was on board before we made our way down there. “Actually, I need you to speak to Michael about this, too. Lila has just found out that she needs to have chemo, and she’s a bit freaked out about it. She thinks that she might lose her voice, and she’s been working on another song, a final one that we’re going to put on the album.”
“Oh, my God,” he gasped sadly. “That’s terrible news.” I couldn’t let him sink into moroseness about it, not when Lila was doing her best to remain upbeat. If someone else got depressed around her, she’d likely get dragged down with that.
“I know, but she’s trying to remain positive, and she wants to get this done. Do you think you can do it?”
“I’ll get it all sorted out, don’t you worry about anything. You just get her down here, okay?”
“Yeah, great; thank you.”
Relief filled my chest as I hung up the phone, but only for a brief second. Then it was instantly replaced with unbridled panic. My chest grew tight, my breaths got sharp and ragged, and a dizziness filled my brain. I was petrified of watching the woman I loved going through so much pain. I was just going to allow myself one moment of falling apart before I turned back into the rock that I needed to be.
I gasped, fell back onto the couch, and let the nausea swirl. Then I worked on slapping my game face back on before Lila caught me. This is going to be fine in the end. Lila will pull through it, and you will be there for her every step of the way. Just take this in baby steps – focus on one bit at a time, that way you won’t get overwhelmed.
The next thing I had to do was get Lila to the recording studio. That didn’t seem too bad. I would take each task as it came, just to keep me going.
Lila bounded into the living room, looking much more positive. “Do I look all right?”
Her wet hair was scraped back into a ponytail, her face was totally free of makeup, and she was wearing a plain white t-shirt with skinny jeans, but she looked more beautiful than she ever had before. Her natural gorgeousness shone through, making my heart race and pound.
“You look incredible.” I nodded and smiled. “Beautiful.”
“Thank you.” She blushed and flickered her eyes downward. “So, shall we get going? I’m looking forward to this now. If this is going to be the last time I record, then I’ll make it my absolute best. I’m gonna sing my freaking heart out.”
“I cannot wait to hear you.”
As she took my hand and we made our way outside, I felt oddly lucky. At least I had Lila in my life, at least I could be there for her. Whatever happened, we could get through it because we loved each other.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Lila (Monday)
“Hey, how’s it going?” As Michael greeted us walking through the door, I instantly knew that Xander had already told him what was going on. Kyle, too, judging by his broken-hearted expression.
I tried to work out how I felt about that, before deciding on not caring. What did it matter who knew? I was going through it anyway, and at least I was getting to do this first.
However this turned out, even if I did lose my ability to sing, at least I would’ve done this. At least I had something to be proud of.
“Good.” I grinned as brightly as I could and nodded. “Looking forward to recording today; thanks for fitting me in.”
Kyle pushed past Michael, his emotion getting the better of him as he pulled me toward him for a big hug. “I’m sorry this is happening to you; you’re being brave. If there’s anything I can do...”
“…” I pulled back and stared into his eyes, giving him the puppy dog look. “I know you probably aren’t ready with it yet, but the music you’ve been working on while we’ve been living at Xander’s house is what matches these lyrics. Would you mind if we recorded with it?”
He paused for a moment and pursed his lips as if he was deep in thought. “Well, I don’t know.” He shrugged regretfully. “I’m not ready... but I suppose because it’s you... Yeah, let’s do it.”
As he slung his arm over my shoulder and grinned, I felt warmth in my chest, gratefulness. Sure, this was a bit of a shitty time, but I had the best people in the world around me. I was lucky, really.
“Thank you. This is the song I couldn’t quite manage to write before, but I’ve got it now. I think you’ll love it.”
We moved into the recording studio, and I felt confidence surrounding me. Compared to the first time, when I felt star struck and out of my depth, I now felt like I belonged. Admittedly, it was a shame that it was potentially the last time, but it was okay. All self-consciousness fell away – life was too short to be worried about silly things like that.
“Are you ready?” Xander grinned at me over the mic. I flicked my eyes between him and Michael, happy to have them both watching me like that. I assumed my illness would somehow void our contract, and the fact that I wouldn’t be able to do gigs and promotions would get in the way, but neither of them seemed too worried about it, so I wouldn’t, either.
“I am,” I gasped with a happy grin.
“Yep, me, too,” Kyle called out confidently from behind me. I spun around to look at him quickly, noticing something very different about my brother. He wasn’t shy anymore. He didn’t seem to be hiding, he was loud, happy with himself, coming out of his shell in the best way possible. I couldn’t believe I’d missed that happening, but I wa
s proud to see it now.
Whatever happened in the future, I just knew he would be fine. I sent him a smile, hoping to convey all of that and from the short nod he sent me, it seemed like he got it.
Then, I slid my eyes shut, got my head into the game, and bobbed along a little as Kyle tinkled his fingers along the keys. I felt nervous, exhilarated, passionate, afraid, happy, and freaked out all at once. I sucked in a deep breath as my cue came along, and I started to sing.
“Before you, there was nothing... No one makes me feel this way...”
I threw myself into it, giving the song my heart and soul. This was for Xander, and I wanted to let him know how big of an impact he’d had on me in a different way entirely. I’d told him that I loved him; I hoped that I’d showed him that, too. This was just another level to that. Unfortunately, I couldn’t meet his eyes as I sang, so I kept them closed to lose myself in the music instead.
“Your eyes, your smile, that love filling your heart...”
I was giving it my all, and I hoped that was coming across. I wanted this to be my best song ever. Then as I got to the very last line, I finally found the bravery to open my eyes and meet Xander’s, and the love-filled gaze that he was sending me back brought tears to my eyes.
He loved me, I loved him – how could it be better than that?
“Say that you’ll love me forever.”
A silence hung in the air for a beat too long, leaving me a little fearful that I’d done a terrible job. I moved my eyes from Xander to Michael, and finally around to Kyle, with my emotions kicking and dancing all over my body. Why isn’t anyone saying anything? Why are they just... staring? The entire world stood still, time almost stopped, I didn’t know what to do with myself.
Then, they burst into cheers and clapping, and everything rushed back to normal. Everything unfurled, my muscles loosened, and my shoulders relaxed... They loved it, probably more than anything I’d ever done before.
