I start after her to have Kade grab me by the arm. He looks at me with shocked eyes and I yank away from him. “Did you really fucking think she'd just fucking run back to you?” I yell. “You fucking get out of my life. I never want to fucking hear from you again.” I bend down and pick up the broken pieces of her day collar. I feel tears filling my eyes, I let out a breath as I feel my body go numb. What have I done? How could I have just sat back and let her walk out the door? I’m in love with her. I snatch up the pieces of the day collar and rush out the door. The rain is coming down harder as I dart around the corner to the Skin Deep parking lot. My truck is still there and there's no sign of Lola. I squeeze my hand around her day collar as I lean against the brick building. How could I have been so stupid and kept it from her? I’ve lost…everything.
Three days later and I still feel like shit. Shit is probably an understatement. I’ve been forcing myself to work and it’s more than obvious that I feel like hell. I can hardly eat, I don’t sleep, I haven’t shaved, I seriously doubt this tee shirt is clean, and I think that I forgot deodorant. My clear and level head is completely nonexistent.
“Dude, you look like shit,” I hear Cas as he walks into the shop.
“Thanks for fucking reminding me.” I bark.
“You know, you could go talk to her,” he tells me, passing me a cup of black coffee from No Doze. “She’s just as miserable without you, man.”
I look up at him, now I’m just worried about her. “Have you talked to her?”
He nods. “She sounds awful. Said she’s taking some time off work. That she doesn’t feel like coming in anymore.”
I bring a hand to my face and rub at my temples. “What did she say?”
“Look, I don’t know what happened between you two, but whatever it was hurt her. I also know she's in love with you. I know that you're in love with her. That’s easy to see, so you need to go to her and fix this shit.”
“Kade is my half-brother. The story of his abused past wasn’t his, it was mine.”
Cas’ jaw drops and his eyes immediately widen. He starts to speak, but stops and withdraws his words. I can’t say I blame him. It’s a lot to take in and it’s no wonder Lola felt so betrayed. I’d told her that BDSM is about love and trust and it creates a strong bond between two people. I told her that I'd be honest with her and she needed to be honest with me. I did have every intention of telling her. I just needed to figure out how to explain things. The horrible tales Kade told her about his past had been about my own. It’s never been easy to talk about my past. My dad died when I was a kid. My mom married the asshole and they had Kade together. The physical abuse started when I was about six or so. I was just a kid, barely out of kindergarten. As I got older, it escalated and the mental abuse began. Kade was, of course, their miracle child. My mom doted on him and babied him well into his teens. When I was sixteen, I worked my ass off to get out. The day I turned eighteen, I hit the road. Not sure why Kade held a grudge all these years though. I never did anything to him, my mom, or his father. But he definitely used my history of abuse to get closer to Lola. Maybe that’s what all of this is truly over. He wanted Lola and I got her. I trained her to be my sub and fell in love with her. Now, I’ve lost her. All because I kept shit hidden. I let out a sigh. “I don’t expect you to know what to say. You and Lola were good friends with Kade. To be honest, when I came back to town, I had no fucking clue that this was the shop that he'd worked at. An old friend gave me a tip that Lola was hiring, he knew you, got in touch with you. I showed up, I gave her the daisy chain infinity loop and I…and she and I…”
“You two have…” his voice trails and he twists his face up. “I don’t do romance. Fuck, I haven’t really dated in a year. Women and me…we’re like oil and fucking water. But I can tell that you and Lola have something really special.” He says, giving my shoulder and encouraging pat. “She looks at you differently. She has this way of looking at you that even I can tell that she’s in love with you.”
I let out a little chuckle. “I love how she looks at me. All things aside I do love her. I never meant to hurt her, I just didn’t know how to tell her.”
“She knows that. Somewhere deep down, she knows that. I know her, she’s like my sister. When she gets all sorts of feels for people, it’s hard for her to break the bond. She’s a good person.” He tells me giving my arm another pat. “She cares about you, but you have got to go talk to her. Give her a little more time, go get her some flowers or handcuffs or whatever the fuck you want and tell her you’re sorry.”
I let out a little laugh. “We already have handcuffs so I may opt for the flowers.”
“Good fucking God, dude, didn’t need to know that.”
I smirk, “the flowers are a good idea though, so is going to talk to her. I feel like fucking shit without her and if she’s not working, she’s feeling just as bad.”
“Not to be a fucking smartass, but you did fucking lie to her.”
I drop my head and let out a sigh. I did. I lied to her. I broke our trust and I lied to her. I have no one to blame but myself. “Is she doing well? I mean, I know she’s a mess, but is she eating? Sleeping?”
He shakes his head, “I don’t know dude. I just know that she sounded miserable when she called to tell me that she was taking the week off work.”
“A fucking week?”
He nods and shrugs. “She’s hurt. She said that she didn’t want anyone to see her like that and stuck me in charge of the shop. She worked out the schedule and took Kade off. She fiddled with it to where we are splitting his appointments fifty-fifty and we pretty much open and close this place ourselves.”
I run my hands down my face, how can I work all fucking week and go to see her? I swear she did that on purpose.
“Dude, I’ll tell you what, I bet we can work out a day where I hold down the shop myself. There’s a day where you have minimal appointments. Archer is getting into town and I can drag him in and have him pick up some of Kade’s appointments. You can rework your customers to another day. Then go see her. Win her back. You two can’t fucking survive like this, you look depressing.”
I let out a laugh. “I owe you.”
“Just remember to fucking shower before you go. I haven’t been through a break up in a while, but damn dude, seriously…”
I laugh again. “Thank you, I honestly fucking owe you. Just because I go to talk to her doesn’t mean that she’ll just forgive me and run back into my arms.”
“Nothing that’s worth anything is ever easy, dude.”
If that isn’t the truth, I don’t know what fucking is.
I don’t know how to fix myself. I knew that I wouldn’t just spring up from this, but I feel…crushed. I’ve been in my apartment for a week straight. I called Cas to take over at the shop. I let Kade go. Firing him was necessary, it was needed, but it still sucks. I had to redo the entire schedule to have Cas and River divide his appointments, then I had to call all of the customers and inform them of the switch. None of them was upset since they know River and Cas’ work, but it wasn’t easy. Every time I said River’s name, I felt myself choke up and it made it ten times worse on me.
I swear I’m getting worse. I didn’t think it was possible, but I think I am. I know I look worse than I feel. I haven’t showered in almost a week and I’m pretty damn sure that I've been in the same yoga pants and tank top since I walked away from River and Kade earlier this week. I can’t even put into words how it feels to develop such a strong bond of trust and love with someone, to completely submit to them, and then to have it all ripped away when you find out that they’ve lied to you. Not just lied to me, he kept a huge secret from me. Kade is his fucking half-brother. To cut my wound even deeper, River swears that the abusive past Kade told me about was his own and that Kade was actually babied by their mother. It would make plenty of sense if it were true. I could see why River likes and needs control so much, but it doesn’t take away the fact that he lied to me. He told me
that we both needed to be honest with each other and he kept it hidden. I gave myself to him, I trained to be a sub for him, I got on my knees for him and he couldn’t trust me enough to tell me about Kade? I understand that it’s a lot to explain and I can see why it would be hard, but I fucking deserved to know that! They’re fucking half-brothers! It’s no fucking wonder Kade lost his ever loving mind. It was all some weird fucking sibling rivalry. What if River was all one big lie? What if he never loved me? That it was all some twisted fucking game of which brother could fuck me first? I let out a sigh and sink into my couch. I can’t do it anymore. I don’t even want to think about the possibilities. It hurts too much. Things happened so fast and I just jumped head first into a BDSM relationship without thinking everything through. Of course, I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t love River, because I do. Through becoming his sub, him molding me into the good little girl he wanted, I did fall in love with him. And that’s what hurts the most.
The knock on my door makes me groan. I don’t even want to pull myself up from the couch. I know that it’s probably Cas, coming to check on me because he’s worried I’ll dwindle away alone in my apartment. I let out a long drawn out sigh as I make myself stand up and head to the front door. I look absolutely awful. I give my head a shake as I glance down at my body. I’ve been in need of a shower for days and I can’t remember the last time I had a bra on or had a hot meal. Well, any meal for that matter. I reach for my button up sweater that’s too big for me and wrap it around my body. I haven’t had a bra on in a week, I’m not about to put one on now. When I open the door to see River, it immediately feels like someone shot me. I step back and gasp as I try to keep my eyes from tearing up. I feel my knees buckle for a moment and I reach for my door to give me stability. I look him up and down inspecting him for a moment. His once beautiful blue eyes seem so dull now and dark circles and bags tarnish the bottoms. His perfectly styled hair is now messy and obviously unwashed. His neatly trimmed facial hair has been traded for an unkempt beard that I’m not necessarily a fan of. He looks so unhappy. I take another deep breath, trying desperately to hold back the tears.
“Lola,” his voice crackles as he extends a hand to my face, “you haven’t been to work in a week.”
I nod because right now it’s all that I can manage to do.
“Lola,” he says my name again softly and I try with all of my might to keep the tears at bay, for now I'm successful. His expression changes and he reaches for my hand as he invites himself in. He turns briefly to shut and lock my door behind him. He leads me to my large lounge chair and ottoman, where he instructs me to have a seat before he heads into my kitchen. I bring my hand up to my bare neck. I’m no longer collared. I haven’t been for a week. Which means I’m not his anymore. The thought hits me like a ton of bricks. Instead of crying, I focus on eavesdropping in on my kitchen. I hear my pantry door open and close and then shortly after my refrigerator. For as bad as he looks, I’m shocked when I see him return with a few bottles of water, some Hershey kisses, and an apple. He adjusts the ottoman at my feet and has a seat as he sets the apple and bottles of water on his lap and carefully begins opening the Hershey kiss. He holds it out for me to take and I stare at it like it’s a snake ready to strike and bite me. I'm hungry. Starving to be completely honest and the more I think about it, I do feel sort of sick and just…drained. But instead of just taking the damn Hershey kiss from him, I sadly shake my head.
“Lola, you have to eat something.” He tells me, taking the Kiss between two of his fingers and bringing it to my mouth. “Open,” he commands.
Before I do something stupid and cry in front of him, I open my mouth as instructed. He feeds me the chocolate, the second it hits my tongue, it's as if an explosion of flavor takes over my senses. I’ve suddenly never been more grateful to eat something in my entire life. It’s had to have been days since I’ve had any real food now that I think about it. I let out a little breath through my nose and chew quietly as he opens another one. He gives me time to finish the first and brings the second to my mouth. This time I open my mouth without protest to accept the piece of chocolate because I am simply ravenous and at this point I'd probably take anything I could get. I suck on the chocolate a moment, letting it melt in my mouth just before biting into it. River opens one of the bottles of water and I realize that I can’t even remember when I went pee last, let alone actually drank anything. There's no way I'm not dehydrated, I see him set the cap next to me and I realize just how very thirsty I am. I yearn to taste the cool, crisp water he has waiting for me.
“Drink,” he tells me, placing the bottle in my hands.
Not wanting to seem eager I bring the bottle to my lips and take a slow sip.
“Drink all of it,” he orders, pushing my disgusting hair away from my face.
I'm practically dying of thirst, before you could even blink, I've drained the entire bottle of water. When I finish, River wipes the tiny stream of water from the corner of my lips and passes me the already open second bottle that I happily take from him. I guzzle it down, without even taking a breath, I release a relieved sigh when I finish.
River holds up an apple in front of me this time. A Granny Smith. My absolute favorite. “Have a bite.”
I pout. I can feel the tears poking hard at my eyes and decide the only way to keep from crying is to have a bite of the apple. I sink my teeth into the juicy, ripe apple and it tastes so incredibly wonderful, I have to actually force myself to keep quiet while I eat it. After the one bite, I reach to take the apple from River's hand, but he shakes his head. At this point, I don’t even care. I eat quietly from his hand until nothing but the core is left. He leans in using one of his thumbs to tenderly wipe the corners of my mouth and this time I have to look down so that he doesn’t see my tear filled eyes. He silently begins cleaning up my little mess and carries everything to my trash and recycle bins. I sit in silence, watching him carefully. He returns and moves the ottoman out of his way, without uttering a single word, he lifts me into his arms and carries me upstairs to my bathroom. He makes me sit on the toilet as he works around me to run a tub of hot water. He tests the water with this hand, plugs the drain, and dumps in some of my favorite bubble bath from the side of the tub. He turns to face me and slowly helps me removes my horrible soiled clothing, my tank top comes first, then my yoga pants and finally my lace panties. I should say something, but I can’t. How can I just let him take care of me? He’s not my Dom anymore, I’m not his responsibility. I open my mouth to speak, nothing comes out but a little noise that I’ve never heard before. I look down, breathing in and out slowly, fighting to keep tears from falling down my cheeks. Any other woman would probably kick him out of her apartment and here I am just letting him feed me and give me a bath. Jesus, there must be something wrong with me.
“Test the water and hop in,” he tells me, turning to my little closet, he grabs my favorite shampoo, conditioner, and body wash.
He really is about to bath me. Just like he would after we would do a scene. I don’t know why he'd do this for me. It doesn’t make sense for a man to do this for his ex-girlfriend, ex-sub…whatever I am. I take a step forward and dip my hand into the water. It’s such a perfect, warm temperature that I can’t resist sliding in. After not showering for almost a week, I can only imagine how badly I must stink. I never thought I'd reach that point after a breakup. I let out an annoyed little sigh. I’m just angry with myself for allowing things to get to this point. What has happened to me? I take a deep breath as River instructs me to sit up. He begins tenderly washing my body. Spreading bubbles lightly over my grateful skin with my favorite pink loofah. I can’t even open my mouth. Even if I could, I wouldn’t know what to say. All week, I’d been working out speeches in my head. What I would say when I had to see him again. But instead of giving him a piece of my mind like I'd planned, here I sit, speechless while he gives me a bath. This didn't go as planned. I’m submitting myself to the man I left. The man I left because he
lied to me. When River begins massaging my conditioner into my hair, I let out an involuntary moan. It feels so good that I can’t help myself. He quietly concentrates on working the conditioner from the ends of my hair to my roots. All I can do is sit here and think in all the silence. One week ago I was his. One week ago he was mine. I was his sub…and now, I’m not. I love him so much. I feel so much emotion when I'm with him, that I fear I'll never be able to feel like this ever again. I'll never find another River. I hold in my tears as River begins rinsing my hair and soapy body. At least the water trickling down my face is a decent cover up for the tears that have managed to make their way down my cheeks. He works around me, helping me stand and wraps a towel around my body as he drains the tub. I step out of the tub while he stores my toiletries in their proper spots, and then takes my hand leading me into my bedroom where he digs a clean pair of yoga pants, tank top, and blue lace panties from my dresser. He continues to dry off my body and when he takes the towel to my sopping wet hair, I see just how horrible he looks. His eyes are the saddest I've ever seen them. How can I just stand here and let him take care of me when he looks like that? I turn away from him to reach for my own clothes and he intervenes, stopping me with his hand and shaking his head. He gingerly begins pulling the tank top over my head, covering my breasts and down my belly. He reaches for my panties next, squatting to allow me to step into them and pulls them slowly up my legs and over my ass. He repeats the action for my yoga pants and gives me a pitiful smile. While I might feel a little better having a bath and being in fresh clothes, I can’t say the same for the rest of me. I give him another sad look. I’d be lying if I tried saying I didn’t miss him. I do. I miss him so much that it hurts. Who knew that someone could feel something so deeply for someone in just a few months?
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