I pull into Kade’s apartment parking lot and pull into one of the visitor parking spots. He has no idea that I’m here and, to be honest, I don’t know what I’ll be saying to him. It’s not like I can just beat the door down, grab him and kick his ass. As bad as I want to, that would just be the easy way out. I need to get down to the bottom of things. Figure out what the fuck his problem is. I shut off the engine of my truck, undo my seatbelt and step down. I click the “lock” button on my fob and shove my keys into my pocket. I remind myself that I have to keep a level head. I have to talk to him. I want to know why he hit Lola. I let out a breath and open the main door to his building. Who knows what the kid was thinking. The night in his apartment he’d been drinking. There were beer bottles all over, but that’s no fucking excuse if you ask me. I jog up the steps to his floor and knock on his door. I can easily hear movement on the inside so when he doesn’t answer I knock again. I still hear movement, but the door never opens.
I pound on the door. “Kade, open the fucking door you little asshole before I break it down.”
I hear the deadbolt click and the door opens. I’m actually pleased to see the small bruise under his right eye. Serves him right for hurting Lola.
“What the fuck do you want, River?”
“I want to fucking kill you,” I snap, “but I’m here to talk to you.”
“What the fuck could you possibly want to talk about at this point?”
I push past him and have a seat on his couch. “You fucking hit Lola.”
He looks down as he shuts his apartment door.
“Did you fucking realize what you were doing? What the fuck is wrong with you?”
He shrugs.
“That’s not a good enough fucking answer for me. You fucking hit my girlfriend.”
“Don’t you mean your dog?” He shoots.
I make a face and stand up. “I will kick your fucking ass from here to fucking Cleveland. One more crack like that about her and I won’t give a shit about going to jail.”
“She’s a fucking human being, River, you can’t just treat her like a fucking pet!”
“Oh, you’re seriously going to be on the defensive right now because I’m a fucking Dom? Did you forget that quick that you smacked the hell out of her yesterday?” I bark, shaking my head. “You make me fucking sick. I was beaten every fucking day of my life while you were treated like some little fucking prince. You know fucking better than to hit a woman!”
“She’s just your pet now.” He growls.
I grab him by the shirt. “Don’t you ever fucking say that about her again! If you’d open your fucking closed mind, then you would know there’s a lot more to my lifestyle than you think.” I release him and shove him away from me. “She’s Mine and I’ll be fucking damned if I let you or anyone else for that matter degrade her. What the fuck is your problem? You’re pissed at me so you take it out on her? Remember a few weeks ago when you were spouting that you were in love with her?”
He shakes his head. “You should have taken me with you when you left.”
I let out a little laugh. “Oh yes, me, the eighteen year old who had worked his ass off to get away from your piece of shit father, was just going to walk out the door with you, the sixteen year old who was the prodigal son.”
He rolls his eyes and turns his back to me before pacing the floor.
“You seriously need to grow the fuck up. You’re twenty-six fucking years old.”
“You don’t know what I went through,” he tells me.
“I was beaten every fucking day in that hell hole. I was burned by your fucking father’s cigars. They gave you every fucking thing in the world. I’d say you had it fucking easy.” I snap. “But nothing gives you right to treat Lola that way and I’ll be fucking damned if I ever let you put your hands on her again.”
“You want to know why I was treated so well, River? You want to know why I was given anything and everything I wanted? Why I was whiny and pissy ninety-nine percent of the time?”
I let out a little laugh, “Man, this ought to be fucking good.”
“I don’t know why I fucking hit Lola, okay? I honestly have no fucking clue. I was fucking pissed at you and pissed at her. I fucking hate you for leaving me. I fucking hate you for treating her like some dog. And I can’t fucking stand that she just lets you do it.” He snarls. “I have serious anger issues in case you couldn’t fucking guess. But while my fucking dad was beating you, he was whoring me out to his friends, okay? I was fucking being raped by sick fucking people, River. And sometimes I just do shit that I regret. I’d rather just stay in my apartment and drink all the damned time. I told Lola your side of the abuse because it’s less embarrassing than being raped.”
My jaw drops and my eyes widen as I fall back down on his couch. “Jesus fucking son-of-a-bitch.”
“So, if you’ll excuse me, I have a few mental issues of my own.” He tells me, running a hand through his hair. “I don’t know why I did what I did to Lola. I was so pissed at you and I just acted. Before I could even say anything to her, you were beating the shit out of me.” He admits. “Not like me saying “sorry” would have been good enough anyway and for your fucking information I feel like complete shit for what I did to her.”
“I didn’t know they were letting that happen to you,” I finally say looking up at him.
“Yeah well, we have a piece of shit, worthless mother who didn’t give a fucking damn what happened to her kids, as long as she kept that bastard in her life.”
“That’s why you wanted to come with me…when I left.”
He nods. “You leaving was my only out until I turned eighteen. Shit tapered off as I got older because apparently they like young ass, but the damage had already been done.”
“That’s still no excuse for what you did to Lola. She was your friend.” I tell him, shaking my head. “Now, she doesn’t even want to look at you.”
“I told you, I don’t know why I did what I did. I was just pissed and when I’m pissed I do stupid shit that I immediately regret.” He shakes his head and finally sits on the couch. “I have absolutely no control when it comes to my fucking temper.”
“Dude, you need some fucking counseling and anger management,” I say, “You know I was beaten every fucking day for years and as shitty as it all was, counseling helped me.”
He drops his head in his hands. “Lola was my friend. She helped me. There were so many fucking nights that I wanted to end it all. I could call her day or night and she was there.”
“Lola is an incredible woman with an amazing heart,” I remind him. “Which is why you should never talk about her the way you just did.”
“I told you, I get fucking pissed and do shit that I regret. I’ve been pissed at myself since I left Skin Deep the first time. Then you came into the fucking picture. I was ready to fucking explode!”
“So you started treating Lola like shit? Dude that night she came to you, I did punish her. I'd told her to stay away from you because I was afraid you'd hurt her because she was with me. She ran to you to you because something had been a trigger. I didn’t know it would be a trigger and neither did she. But she came to you to seek the comfort that she had given you for years,” I bring a hand up to rub the back of my neck and shake my head. “But you hurt her, not to mention you scared the shit out of her. You left bruises on her wrist and collar bone. She was a fucking mess.”
“I know that I hurt her,” he shakes his head, “and I feel like shit. She was my closest friend. She helped me, a lot of times. Gave me a job, believed in my talent. And this is how I repay her?”
“You and your anger shit almost made me lose her,” I tell him. “I almost died.”
“But you treat her like she’s a fucking pet.”
I let out a little laugh. “Is that really what you think I do?”
He shrugs and makes a confused face.
“I like control, yes. I need control. But she is by no means a fucking dog. It’s not li
ke that.”
“But you abuse her.”
“I do not fucking abuse her.” I tell him, letting out a chuckle. “It’s not like that. Yes I control her and yes there are things that happen in the bedroom that would make people side-eye, but I take care of her. I'd never hurt her. She’s Mine to take care of. Mine to make happy. Mine to adore, worship even.”
“You don’t hit her?”
“Not like you fucking did.”
“I thought you beat her for pleasure.”
“Jesus fucking no. It’s not like that and it’s not like Google portrays. I’m not mean to her and if I were to do something that she ever hated, she could let me know immediately.”
“Do you love her?” He looks over at me and for once I see him as my brother, and not the asshole little prince that got whatever he wanted while I suffered.
“Yeah, I love her. She’s incredible. I’m lucky to call her Mine.”
“Everything has been piling up on me, you know? I was pissed at myself for leaving the first time for NYC Ink’d. I knew I really cared about Lola, I hated myself for leaving and blowing any chance I had with her,” he looks at me and shakes his head, “then you showed up.”
“You’ve hated me since I was eighteen and left that hell hole, haven't you?”
He nods. “I admit it. I wanted out.”
“For what it’s worth, I had no idea what was happening to you, man.” I give my head a shake. “I tried to stay out of the house as much as I could and I guess I was just blind to it all.”
“Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly tell people what was going on. I’d tried telling that bitch we call a mother, but she never did anything,” he tells me. “It fucks you up, you know? I’m just angry…all the time I guess. I hate what happened to me. And there was nothing I could do. I told the school, any adult who I thought would help me. Linda and Greg just made it seem like I was some crazy liar.”
“I remember them having to spend time at your school a lot when you were about twelve,” I recall furrowing my eyebrows.
He nods, “that was one of the times I tried to get help. No one believed me as soon as Linda stepped in and portrayed me as a habitual liar and a problematic kid who was on the path of destruction.”
I let out an uncontrolled chuckle unable to help myself as I shake my head. Kade looks over at me confused. “It’s not funny, but you know, we’re both fucked up. We shouldn’t let this shit control us, man. It’s done. We’re fucking stronger than that. And you’re still my brother.”
“I know. Maybe one day we can actually get along. I’ll get into counseling,” he lets out a deep breath. “Talking to someone would only help at this point.”
I give him a nod. “But you did hit my girlfriend and she was your friend.”
He drops his head. “Jesus, I was such a fucking dick to her.”
“Believe me, I still want to kick your fucking ass from here to fucking Cleveland and back again. Lola didn’t deserve that.”
He gives me a silent nod.
“You do know that you owe her an apology.”
“It would never help. She’s too pissed at me.”
“Well, an apology wouldn’t hurt your case,” I say, “and to be frank, you should probably be as honest with her as you were me.”
He makes a face as though he’s trying to think and then shakes his head. “I don’t think she’d even listen to me.”
“You know, over these past few months, I’ve gotten to know Lola. She's a good person who genuinely believes all people are good,” I tell him. “The entire time I was telling her to be careful with you, she'd remind me and was persistent that you were her friend. She probably still believes that you did what you did because you were going through some things.”
He takes a deep breath and releases it as he flops onto his couch. “Cas and Arch hate me now, too, huh?”
“I don’t think they hate you,” I say, “but I will say they are upset. They see Lola as a sister and when you hit her, you hit their sister.”
“I'm sorry that I hit her,” he shakes his head and looks down,” I don’t think I realized that I hit her until she was on the floor.”
“You hit my girlfriend,” I tell him, “seeing her on the floor made me lose my mind.”
“Well, if it makes you feel any fucking better, you kicked the shit out of me.”
I let out a laugh. It’s sad, but it does make me feel better. Even knowing what I know now, maybe it somehow knocked a little sense into him. “I don’t give a damn how shitty our lives were growing up, you don’t fucking hit a woman like that.”
“But you like to spank,” He jokes.
“That’s completely fucking different and purely sexual you little asshole.” I laugh.
“So, now what? Where do I go from here? Because right now, I’m back to having no job.” He looks at me with a set of the saddest eyes I have ever seen. He leans forward letting his shoulders slump as he puts his face in his hands. “I don’t know what to do.”
“Look, you’re going to have to apologize to Lola. You have to get yourself into counseling, too,” I tell him, “as pissed as I am at you for treating Lola like shit, I can try to be an adult about all of this. I will talk to Lola, see what she thinks about bringing you back into the shop.”
“You would really do that?”
“I’m a grown ass man pushing thirty. Surely to God we can move past this,” I say, “but, know that the end decision is completely Lola’s. If she does bring you back into the shop and you ever treat her like shit again, I have no issues kicking the life out of you again.”
“Fair enough.” He tells me extending his hand for me to shake it.
I stare at it a moment. A handshake would mean a truce between us. Maybe the chance to repair years of damage and treat each other like civilized human beings. Maybe even act like brothers. One tiny little step at a time, right? I extend my own hand and finally shake his. We’re two grown ass men, with two shitty pasts from the same two shitty people. Surely we can work something out.
I feel like I’m half out of it. River has been gone a while and honestly, it’s making me nervous. I’m a little concerned that he and Kade have killed each other. I look at my cell phone to check the time again. I called him about four minutes ago for the third time but still haven’t heard anything back. I don’t think River really would do something as crazy and stupid as to actually kill Kade. I trust him, don’t get me wrong, but I'm worried. I have about a million and one possibilities running through my mind. He’s in jail. He had a fiery car wreck on the side of the road and he’s unconscious. He got hurt. He was mugged. Seriously, when the fuck did my brain become this active? I let out a groan and run my hand down my face. You’d think I could just sit and wait. I’ve never been like this before. I begin rubbing the band of his dad’s watch. Since Kade busted my day collar after just having gotten it back, it’s all I have. It’s something at least and River certainly didn’t have to let me wear his dad’s watch.
“Busy?”
I look up and see River standing in the doorway of my office. I push my chair back, the wheels on the bottom nearly making it crash into the wall behind me, and rush over to him. I leap up and wrap my arms around him. He chuckles softly and holds me tight.
“I tried calling you a few times. Daddy, you were supposed to call me.” I pout, making sure to stick out my bottom lip.
“I’m sorry baby, I was driving,” he tells me, kissing the top of my head, “you know how I feel about that.”
I give him a little nod as I pull away and look up at him. “I just got worried. I know you went to see Kade and I kept thinking about everything that could possibly happen.”
“Like me killing him and ending up in jail?” He gives me a wide, goofy grin as the corners of his eyes crinkle.
I let out a little laugh and nod again. “Well, I had about every possibility running through my head. Everything from a fiery car wreck to you getting mugged.” I blush. “I don’t know what
’s wrong with me. My brain just wouldn’t shut up.”
“You know Lola, that week we spent apart aside, you've transitioned from being in normal relationships to being a submissive. You have truly done extraordinarily.” He smiles, pushing my hair behind my ear. “You demonstrate every single thing that a natural sub would do. This is one of those things.”
“Being someone’s submissive is the last thing I thought I'd be good at. I’ve always been so independent.” I say softly. “And I'd be lying if I said I didn’t like what happens in the dark room. I surprised myself there.”
He lets out a little chuckle. “Well, you already know I like it.”
“How did things go?” I ask, “What did Kade say?”
“Well, Kade was honest with me about some…stuff.” He tells me. “He really opened up and I found out some things about him.” He takes my hands and he leads me over to my desk where he lifts me up and places my butt up on the top. “He has some anger issues. While I don’t see that as an excuse, he did say that he didn’t realize what he was doing when he hit you. Most of his issues are with me.”
“River, I don’t understand,” I say. “What exactly are you getting at?”
“Kade wants to apologize and tell you a few things.”
I jump up. “He’s here? You brought him here? River, what’s wrong with you?”
He immediately shushes me and gently pushes me back to my seat on the desk. “I think there are a few things that you need to hear. I also asked that he apologize to you.”
“Couldn’t you have him call or email or text? I really don’t want to see him, River.”
He takes my face in his hands. “You trust me, right, princess?” He softens his voice to that Daddy-tone that soothes me.
I give him a little nod.
Skin Deep Page 25
