by Emily Forbes
He was rubbing her hands between his, warming them up. He stopped rubbing when she asked the question but he didn’t let go of her.
‘Now I’m not sure.’ He was looking at her intently, his grey eyes serious and considerate. ‘I don’t believe in coincidences but I do believe in fate.’
She believed in fate too but she knew it could bring both good and bad fortune. Fate had introduced her to Xander and then taken her away from him.
Fate had given her Lily when she’d needed someone to love.
‘I’m wondering if there’s a reason we’ve found ourselves here together again,’ he said.
Chloe was convinced there was a reason that Xander was back in her life. She just wasn’t sure if he was going to like the reason. She had no idea if he was going to want to be a father. She knew this was an opportunity to tell him about Lily but she couldn’t bring herself to start that discussion. She was exhausted, emotionally worn out, and she didn’t think she could do justice to this conversation tonight. Xander seemed happy to talk so she stayed silent. She knew she was being a coward but it was the easier option.
He lifted her legs and rested them in his lap. He picked up her hand and kissed her fingertips. ‘I’ve missed you.’
She wanted to tell him she’d missed him too. That she’d thought of him every day. But her voice caught in her throat. She was too afraid.
Her eyes filled with tears.
Had they wasted four years? Could they still be together? Could they have lasted?
He misunderstood her tears but she didn’t care as he gathered her into his arms and stroked her hair. ‘It’s okay. It’s just been a bad day. Everything will look better in the morning.’
It’s the sort of thing she would say to Lily. The sort of thing her mother would say to her. The sort of thing a father might say.
But he didn’t want children.
She let him comfort her anyway.
‘Would you like to stay for dinner?’ he asked. ‘I’ll order something in.’
She shook her head. ‘I can’t.’ She couldn’t stay. She couldn’t risk it. There was too much at stake now.
She hadn’t told her mother she’d be late and both Susan and Lily would be expecting her home soon if she didn’t call. She wanted to be home in time to put Lily to bed. Lily was her priority. As much as she wanted to stay, Lily came first.
She had a daughter to get home to. Their daughter.
She was going to have to figure out how to tell him he was a father. She couldn’t let this attraction go any further without telling him first. And she wanted to take this further. She knew it would happen. It was inevitable. Just like four years ago. Was her memory distorted by rose-tinted glasses? Tainted by her feelings for him as Lily’s father? She didn’t know but she knew she couldn’t resist him. She didn’t want to resist him.
‘Can I see you over the weekend, then?’ Xander’s question jolted her out of her thoughts.
‘One of my girlfriends is getting married in a couple of weeks. I’m a bridesmaid and we’ve a full day of preparations planned for tomorrow.’
‘How about on Sunday?’
‘I have a family thing.’ But she couldn’t leave without knowing that she’d see him again. ‘I’d love to make plans—can I call you later and we’ll sort something out?’
He nodded and said, ‘Pass me your phone. I’ll put my number in it.’
He stored his number in her phone and walked her out to hail a cab.
‘I’ll sit by the phone,’ he said as he kissed her goodbye, ‘waiting for your call.’
‘You have a mobile. You can keep it with you.’
He grinned as she climbed into the cab. ‘I’ll still be waiting.’
* * *
Xander watched the tail lights of the cab fade into the distance, taking Chloe away. The ball was in her court now. Would she call him? Their chemistry hadn’t faded; the spark between them was still bright. She had to feel it too. Would he get another chance?
He wanted a chance to get to know her again but this time he knew it would be different. Four years ago he hadn’t been prepared for a serious relationship. He’d been emotionally, mentally and physically battered and bruised. A bit of a mess. She had been a bright light...one he hadn’t wanted to dim by subjecting her to his tales of woe. She had lifted him out of his funk.
She’d changed his life in the short time that he’d known her. She’d brightened up his life, but he hadn’t expected her to take some of that hope and light with her when she’d left. He’d expected that they’d have a brief affair and they would both move on with their lives. He hadn’t been looking for anything more than what they’d shared. A brief physical encounter. It hadn’t been until she’d gone that he’d realised how much he missed her. But he still hadn’t been in a position to offer her anything.
She had changed him. But not enough.
He wished he hadn’t let her go but, even now, he knew that had been the right thing to do.
Four years ago he hadn’t been capable of getting into something where there would be an expectation of a long life. A family. All the things that normal people dreamt of. He had been looking short term then. Five years ahead. Not fifty.
But what about now? His life was different now. He was different.
He knew he had changed. He was in a better place emotionally. Not as wrung out. He’d recuperated and he was able to look to the future again. He was five years post-chemotherapy, four years divorced. He’d made peace with what had happened to him.
But peace was not happiness and he wanted to be happy again. The last time he’d been happy had been with Chloe.
He’d travelled the world since then searching for something. Searching for something to replace what she’d given him.
Happiness and hope.
He didn’t have either of those things any more but was he expecting too much to hope that Chloe could or would give them back to him?
* * *
‘How did your date go?’
Chloe pushed open the door to the bridal salon and was immediately accosted by Carly. For a moment she thought Carly was asking about Xander. She could still feel the imprint of Xander’s hands on her skin, his lips on hers, and she could feel herself blushing before realising Carly was talking about Stephen. ‘Are you bringing him to Esther’s wedding?’
Chloe glanced at Esther. She had texted her to tell her that the date was a disaster. She mustn’t have shared that information with Carly.
‘I’ve given Esther the sack as a matchmaker.’
‘Oh. What was the problem?’
She was blaming Esther, although she knew it wasn’t her friend’s fault. Stephen had been pleasant enough but he hadn’t set her world on fire. In short, he hadn’t made her feel like Xander did. ‘We weren’t compatible and I didn’t want to waste his time, or mine.’
‘You don’t think you were being hasty?’ Carly asked.
‘No.’ She shook her head. ‘But it wasn’t all bad,’ she said as the shop assistant brought out armfuls of bridesmaid’s dresses and arranged them on a rack.
The girls moved into one large change room and continued their conversation while they tried on the dresses, attempting to find something in a colour that suited them both and a style that flattered their figures.
‘I actually ended up having a good night,’ Chloe said as she stripped off her jeans and T-shirt.
‘What? You went home alone. Has that become your definition of a good night?’
‘I didn’t go straight home.’ She could see Carly’s raised eyebrows as Esther zipped her into a pink dress. This was news to her.
‘You didn’t tell me that!’
‘I figured you deserved to be fed information in small doses after the date you subjected me to,’ Chloe told her. ‘But then a guy at the bar offered to buy me a drin
k and I said yes.’
Chloe stepped into a bias cut, emerald green silk dress. Esther zipped up the dress. ‘That colour isn’t bad and the cut is flattering,’ she said as Carly asked, ‘Did you get his number? Will you see him again?’
Chloe nodded. ‘Yes. He’s just started work with the air ambulance. He’s a doctor.’ She didn’t mention that he was from Australia. That she knew him before. That he was Lily’s father. She wasn’t ready for that conversation.
‘I don’t think I like the pink,’ Esther said as she flicked through the racks and discarded anything floral or lace. ‘I don’t want anything that bright.’ She turned back to Chloe. ‘So, apart from work, will you see him again?’
‘Yes.’
‘When?’
‘I’m not sure. I’ve got his number. I have to work out a time.’
‘I’m organising drinks for Harry’s birthday this Thursday,’ Esther said. ‘Why don’t you invite him to that? I’ll make sure not to invite Stephen.’
Chloe had planned on having a date, just the two of them, but perhaps a social event was a good idea. She could get to know him again a little better first, have a casual conversation, and she wouldn’t feel pressured to mention Lily.
‘I’ll think about it,’ she said before she turned her attention back to the task at hand. ‘Now, what are we going to wear?’
‘How about this?’ Carly pulled a navy dress off the rack and held it up.
Esther smiled. ‘Yes, that’s perfect. I love it. Try it on.’
CHAPTER FIVE
‘HAVING FUN?’ ASKED Chloe’s brother as he came to stand beside her.
Chloe was aware of some sideways glances from the other mums who had brought their children to the fire station open day as Guy stopped to talk to her. There was something about a man in uniform and Guy was tall, dark and handsome but Chloe knew he was also oblivious to the attention, totally besotted with his girlfriend of eighteen months.
‘Lily is having an absolute blast,’ she replied as she looked over to where Lily, wearing wellies, was stomping around in the puddles of water that had been left on the ground after the fire hose demonstration.
‘I’m glad,’ Guy told her, ‘but I asked if you were having fun. This invitation was for you as well. I thought it would be a good way to introduce you to some of my single friends without it feeling like a set-up.’
Chloe was horrified. ‘Why would you do that?’
‘I’ve been wondering what your plans are. You’re in danger of becoming an old lady before your time, staying home with Mum. You can’t live with her for ever. You need some company your own age.’
‘Don’t you start!’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Everyone I know seems to be pushing me to date just because they’ve all found “the one.” Carly and Adem, Esther and Harry, you and Hannah. You know I love the idea of being in love but I’m not like the rest of you. I’m not sure that I believe it can last for ever. It’s hard to trust enough to give my heart away.’ Especially when she’d done it once and it hadn’t ended as she would have liked.
She hadn’t planned to fall in love and it scared her how quickly she’d fallen for Xander. Her family thought she mistrusted men and was scared to love because of what happened with her father, but it was more than that. She’d been fearful to trust before meeting Xander and then when she met him all her defences were lowered. She’d fallen hard and fast. She had thought it was just a fling, an infatuation, and only later did she realise how serious she had been and how that fling tainted all other attempted relationships afterwards. Her reticence had less to do with her father and everything to do with Xander.
‘Well, even if you don’t want to date, what if Mum does? What if you’re cramping her style?’
Chloe was aghast. She’d never even considered that she might be hindering her mother’s social life. ‘Has she said something to you?’
‘No.’ Guy laughed. ‘I’m just stirring you up. But seriously, you can’t stay tucked away with your mother and your daughter for the rest of your life.’
‘I’m a bit preoccupied at the moment.’
‘With what?’
She hesitated fractionally before deciding she could use his advice. Despite being four years younger than her Guy had an old head on his shoulders and he’d always had an emotional intelligence that she had sometimes envied. ‘Xander is in London,’ she told him. ‘Working with the air ambulance team.’
‘Xander? Australian Xander? As in...’ Guy looked over to one of the fire engines where Lily was now sitting in the front seat beside her granny with a huge smile on her face.
‘Yep.’
‘Does he know?’
‘Not yet.’
‘You are going to tell him?’
‘Of course I am. I’m just working out when.’
‘What’s the hold-up?’
‘I don’t want to spring it on him. It feels very sudden and abrupt to tell him when he’s just arrived here.’
‘What if Lily was the result of a one-night stand? Would you feel the same then? That you’d need to get to know the father better in that situation before you told him what had happened?’
‘That’s different.’
‘Why?’
‘Well, for one, I’ve never had a one-night stand so I can’t imagine myself in that situation.’ Even though she knew, the moment she met Xander, that she would sleep with him she waited until she knew it would be more than one night. She needed to get to know him first. She needed reassurance that he wasn’t just going to sleep with her and run. ‘And two, I’m not sure that I would tell them anything.’
‘Really?’
‘Would you want to know?’ she asked.
‘Of course. I have a responsibility. But I guess if Xander is in London, you’ve got some time to think about it but he has a right to know. If I were you I wouldn’t wait too long. He’ll wonder why you haven’t told him and I can’t say I’d blame him.’
‘I don’t have all that long actually. He’s only here for six weeks.’
And three of those weeks had already passed.
‘You’d better spend some time with him, then. And quickly. If you like, why don’t the four of us have dinner together?’
‘Me, Xander, you and Hannah?’ She assumed Guy was including his girlfriend in the group of four. ‘Why?’
‘I’d like to meet him and that gives you a reason to invite him out. Although Hannah is flat out with her final placement and studying for her final exams. Maybe we should ask Tom instead.’
‘No!’ Chloe panicked at the thought of both her brothers quizzing Xander. ‘He’d feel like he was at the Spanish Inquisition. Hannah has to eat—maybe we could have a quick dinner one night. How is she feeling about her exams?’
‘I’m actually a bit worried about her. She seems unusually uptight. She’s very tired and not sleeping well. She seems a bit under the weather generally but I’m not sure what I can do to help.’
‘Has she been to the doctor? It could be a virus, glandular fever.’
‘She says it’s just stress.’
‘Is she eating properly?’
‘I think so. Her mum does most of the cooking so I know she at least has one proper meal a day because it’s made for her.’
‘Maybe we should organise dinner,’ she said as she saw her mum returning with Lily. ‘I can have a chat to her then if you like and see if I can’t persuade her to see a doctor.’
‘That would be good. I’m looking forward to the next few months being over. Hopefully things will go back to normal.’
* * *
Xander was pleased to get to work. He wanted to be busy. It stopped him thinking about Chloe. About how many hours had passed since he’d seen her. About how she’d said she would call but he still hadn’t heard from her. He had her num
ber but he didn’t want to pressure her, although he was running out of time. He was already halfway through his stint in London. Granted, he could extend his stay—he had a working visa—but he knew the only reason he would stay was for Chloe.
His plan had been to go home once he finished up in London; he’d been away from home long enough. He hadn’t found what he was looking for until now. And if Chloe didn’t want to pursue things further with him there was no reason for him to stay.
He strapped himself into the chopper and concentrated on the job, listening as Jeff relayed the scant information they had received.
‘Unconscious twenty-two-year-old female. Mother found her seizing on the bathroom floor. No history of epilepsy.’
Xander looked down at the city. He loved the view from the air. Loved taking a moment to relax. He took a deep breath as he mentally prepared for whatever came next. That was the thing with this job—he never really knew what he was about to encounter. The flight to the emergency always offered a moment of peace and calm.
The River Thames shone silver in the pale morning sun, lines of white disturbing the surface as the wakes of the boats disrupted the water. The commuting traffic was at a standstill below them as they banked right and he knew the commuters were probably feeling anything but calm and peaceful. Flying over the city was so different to the flights he’d taken with the flying doctor back home. The grey and green and silver of London contrasted sharply with the ochre, brown and turquoise of the Australian outback.
The chopper started circling and Xander switched back into the present, knowing they were about to land.
* * *
‘She’s in here.’
Their patient was lying on the bathroom floor. She was unconscious but someone—Xander assumed her mother—had put her into the coma position. She had been bleeding from a cut on her head and the blood had dried on her cheek and stuck in her dark hair.
She was dressed in track pants and a loose T-shirt. She looked cold but when Xander placed his hand on her bare arm he could feel heat radiating from her even through his gloves. Her face was flushed. Feverish.
