Perfection Is Just an Illusion (Swimming Upstream #1)

by Rebecca Barber

  “Okay, just put me down first.”

  “Put you down? No problem.” James laughed his evil, maniacal laugh. Anna knew he was up to no good but had no time to react. With a cackle, James tossed her into the pool. Anna landed with a flop. With a wink, James dived in right beside her, causing Anna to swallow a mouthful of salty water. Before long James and Anna were splashing about like carefree children without a care in the world. Things were back to normal. Life was back to normal. And Anna was ecstatic. Dancing on cloud nine was definitely an understated way of describing Anna’s current mood.

  Then without warning the moment was shattered. Diana was racing across the backyard screaming to James to come to the phone. Neither Anna nor James had heard her cries. They were too caught up in their own fun. “James! Phone. It’s Susie,” Diana panted breathlessly. With that, James felt his stomach plummet. He sprang out of the pool without missing a beat and ran inside. Diana helped Anna up the stairs and across the backyard before wrapping her in a towel.

  Chapter 7

  Susie was Darnell’s nurse. Darnell was one James’s biggest fans, but he was so much more. He was James’s inspiration. He was James’s guiding light. He was James’s motivation. He was James’s conscience, but he was also James’s grandfather. A few years ago Darnell had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. After spending months trying and testing various care facilities, the heart breaking decision had been made that it was time for him to go into a nursing home. He’d only been in his new home barely a week when Darnell was struck down with a potentially fatal strain of pneumonia. With his already old and weakened immune system, it had almost killed him. That was two years ago now. But Darnell had always been a fighter. His strength and determination had helped him through the worst of it, even after the doctors had given up. His strength and persistence had faded and he had long ago accepted the inevitable. Death was coming—sooner rather than later. It was no longer a faraway possibility, it had become a reality. But Darnell was no longer scared of dying, but instead he insisted that dying was just a part of life. A part he was ready for when his time was up.

  With his death sentence hanging over his head, Darnell became obsessed with making the best out of the time he had left. He’d often sent letters to his grandson begging him to come and visit. James never once considered visiting his grandfather as a chore, but rather relished the opportunity. After only a few short visits, James and Darnell had become inseparable. James would disappear into the hospital for hours. They would play card games, talk, or just sit in silence and stare out the window. Hours would pass while they pondered the normality from which both men had been excluded. James would recount tales of all the exciting people he had met, the spectacular places he’d visited, and the amazing things he’d done. Darnell was always excited to hear news of James’s worldly adventures.

  When James made the Australian team to compete in the US, without hesitation he’d arranged for Darnell and Susie to fly over to watch. James was bubbling with unadulterated excitement at the thought of his best friend, an old man, battling a disease which would inevitably claim his memories, and being able to give him the opportunity to sit in the grandstand and be his greatest cheerleader. James had faced a lot in his short, action-packed life, but watching his headstrong grandfather struggle with reality, determined to make the most out of every day, gave him the strength to keep going.

  Now Susie was on the phone and she was about to rock James’s stable world in a way he could never have prepared himself for, and in a way he would never recover from.

  “Hi, Susie,” James’s voice wavered.

  “James…” Susie was sobbing softly. James’s mind was spinning.

  Shit! What the hell has happened? he thought.

  “James…It’s Darnell.”

  “What’s happened, Susie? Just tell me!” James blurted out, sitting down on the edge of the table. Diana saw the raw emotions consuming James’s face. All of a sudden her son, who had barely moments ago been bouncing about in the pool like an innocent child with his fiancée, was now contorted with pain and fear. Diana sunk down next to him, intertwining her fingers with his. If he needed her she would be there, no matter the outcome. If he needed comforting, if he needed support, Diana would be right beside him, waiting patiently.

  “He…his body just gave up. He was just so sick and so tired but it’s over now. He just…he couldn’t fight any longer. I’m sorry, James, but Darnell’s gone,” Susie sobbed.

  All of his worst fears had been confirmed. Darnell was gone; but they weren’t finished yet. He knew there was nothing he could do about it. And with that knowledge, James’s heart shattered.

  For the past year while James had been off winning medals, breaking records, and falling in love, Darnell had been breaking his own set of records. He broke the record for the number of times he’d cheated death. James had watched him as he deteriorated from a chubby old man to someone who could hide behind a signpost. Now he was gone and James felt more lost and more alone than he ever imagined possible.

  Nobody knew what to do or say. Anna watched helplessly as James’s heart broke. James didn’t speak; the shock had completely overwhelmed him. His body was numb and heavy. He just sat at the table, staring out the window.

  After a few minutes of painful, stifling silence, James began to babble incoherently. Nothing he said made sense. Yet they all listened carefully, trying desperately to piece it together. James was lost in a sea of emotion. Although he pretended to be tough, it was all fake. James was as soft as a marshmallow. He’d always hoped for the best, hoped that he would get better but James couldn’t help but do everything he could to ignore reality. Diana had never seen James like this before. And for the first time everyone could see just how much his grandfather really meant to him.

  When Anna and James arrived hand in hand at the funeral two days later, James was battling fatigue and exhaustion. In the past few months James had ridden an emotional roller coaster. He had endured the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. He had faced and overcome every possible emotion life had thrown at him. Joy and sadness; pain and suffering; loss and heartache. Now he stood in silence trapped by his own thoughts. Despite the warmth of the sun shining down, James had donned his black suit and shirt. Anna wore a shapeless black dress as she stood dutifully beside James. Anna clung to James’s hand supportively and never once looked like she would let go. It was a small, intimate gathering of close friends and family. That was until the press arrived.

  James saw one man jump from his truck and grab his camera. “The nerve of those bastards. How dare they come here! Don’t they have any respect?” James bellowed. Anna recognised the pure hatred in his eyes and knew he was moments away from committing murder. Anna was forced to hold him back before he said or did something that would jeopardise everything he had worked so hard for.

  “Let them go. They’re just trying to get under your skin. Don’t let them win. Just forget about them and let’s get out of here,” Anna persuaded him, half dragging him toward the awaiting car. The drive home took forever. Maybe it was the eerie silence that dragged it out or perhaps it was the day’s events replaying over and over.

  ***

  Anna

  The day after Darnell’s funeral, James threw himself back into full training. Even in death Darnell inspired James to train harder, race faster, and love more ferociously. James was training for six hours a day. He was swimming further, lifting more weights, and had even started taking yoga classes to increase his already superhuman flexibility. Anna had never seen James this dedicated. And as impressed as she was she couldn’t help but be nervous that he would overdo it and burn himself out before he even got to Manchester in six months. If Anna had gotten any say, James would have taken at least a few days’ break to mourn Darnell, to give him time to emotionally recover. But with so many people with hopes riding on him, weighing him down, Anna wasn’t delusional enough to believe James would ever agree. She couldn’t tell him how to
cope with such an enormous loss. All she could do was be there for him.

  Days passed and James’s grief got worse. He kept regurgitating to Anna over and over that it was his fault. He should have done something to help him. He should have been there to look after him; to talk to him. James’s guilt was all-consuming and it was eating him alive. It didn’t matter what Anna said or did, nothing was getting through to him. James still couldn’t accept it. Maybe it was his pride that wouldn’t let him. Or maybe it was the pain that he had convinced himself that he deserved.

  “James, you couldn’t be there all the time. He didn’t want that for you. You know he didn’t.” Anna watched as James sobbed aimlessly. It broke Anna’s heart.

  “But…I…should have been there, to look after him.”

  “James, you did look after him. And you looked after me when I needed you. You did a great job. Look at me. I’m walking with no cast and no crutches. You can’t even tell that I was all banged up and broken. But James, you can’t feel guilty. It will eat you alive. Not about this. There is no cure for Alzheimer’s. You know that. And until there is there is nothing anyone can do. Not even you.” Anna apologized as she watched James crumple into a ball in her lap. Ever since the news of Darnell’s death, James had ended every day like this—crying on Anna’s shoulder. It was the only place where he felt totally safe, free to fall apart and not be judged, to not be made to feel like a fool, free to be himself.

  Swallowing the lump in her throat, Anna turned to James. “I know this is the worst possible time to tell you this, but I’m going to move back into my flat tomorrow. I really am grateful to your parents for putting up with me, especially for this long, but its time I went home. You have to concentrate on your training. You have the World Championships coming up in a few months that you need to focus on.” Anna felt like the biggest bitch in the world. Here James was distraught over the loss of his grandfather and she drops a bomb on him that she is moving out. Nice one, Anna scolded herself silently.

  “Is that what you really want?” James eyes were full of unshed tears. Anna couldn’t believe that she had found yet another way to hurt the man she loved.

  “It’s what’s best. I’ll still see you every day. Promise. Things will be just like they were before. It won’t really make that much difference…”

  James snapped, “It will. Can’t you see that? Are you really that naïve that you don’t think this will change everything? Everything, Anna.” Anna had never seen James so angry. His gaze pierced her skin and burned her soul.

  Anna couldn’t wrap her head around his overly dramatic reaction. “What will it change? Besides my address, it won’t change anything. We’re still us.”

  “It will. I can’t believe you are being so stupid. Right now I get to come home from training every night and find you here waiting for me. I love knowing that when I get home there’s someone there for me, someone who’s looking forward to seeing me and someone I can’t wait to see. Once you’re back at your place I won’t have that. I know I’m being a selfish prick but that’s the truth. I want you to stay. I want you to stay for me. What is it that you don’t like? Don’t you like being here when I get home?”

  Guilt was a bitch. It was eating away at her. “You know I do, it’s just…we always knew that this was temporary. It was always just until I got myself back together. Now I feel better, and it’s time for me to go home, to sleep in my own bed. Please, try and understand. James, I love you and I love being here, but sleeping in your parents’ guest room isn’t the same as sleeping in my own bed. Your parents have been amazing and you know that I love them, but it’s time. Besides,” Anna said, throwing her arms around his neck dramatically, “once we’re married you will be so sick of me you’ll be packing my bags for me and begging me to move out.” Anna let out a sigh of relief. She had done it. Somehow she’d managed to make him smile. Something she hadn’t seen in a while. And it took her breath away.

  “Don’t bet on it, Princess,” James mumbled incoherently as he wrapped his arms around her waist.

  Reluctantly James nodded. “Come on, I’ll help you pack.” He placed a chaste kiss on her lips.

  Chapter 8

  For the first time since their engagement was announced things settled down and life felt like it was back to normal. Anna was back at school studying for exams while James lapped up and down the pool between meeting media and sponsorship commitments. They still saw each other every day, despite their different addresses. The hype surrounding their engagement faded and now they could just go out and have a good time without being hassled. Their lives were finally simple again, and Anna and James wanted nothing more than to exploit every moment.

  James had what could only be described as the perfect preparation going into the Manchester World Championships. It was his first ever drama-free lead-in period to the competition, which Anna guessed made him even more nervous than ever. In the past he had faced drug slurs, broken bones, injuries, and even the odd crazed stalker, but this was so simple it was scary. James’s qualifying times were more than half a second better than anyone else in the two hundred metres freestyle, while his domination over four hundred metres was two and a half seconds clear of his nearest rival. For the first time in a long time everything felt like it had fallen into place.

  Anna was much the same. She was enjoying her studies and everything was going well. With the added bonus of James acting as her tutor in some subjects, it was an excuse for them to spend even more time together. All talk of the wedding had been put on hold until after the World Championships, giving James time to focus on what he needed to do. Win. Anna topped three out of her nine subjects and was pleasantly surprised. James was so proud of her and their lives seemed to be travelling along so well that, Anna being the cynic that she was, found herself waiting patiently for the bubble to burst.

  ***

  James

  Early one Wednesday morning James was rudely woken by his mobile phone blasting through the silence. Forcing his tired eyes open, he shot a look at the alarm clock on the other side of the room. It wasn’t even four-thirty yet and already his phone was buzzing. “Hello,” he mumbled sleepily.

  “Stay away from her,” the voice boomed down the phone.

  “Who is this?” James asked as he sat up, waking instantly.

  “Stay the fuck away,” the voice commanded before the line went dead.

  For the next few minutes James just sat there staring at the phone, waiting for it to ring again. But it didn’t. James was left staring at the silent phone, his knuckles white from the ferocity of his grip. As the thoughts kept turning over in his head about who it could be, or what they were on about, the alarm sounded and it was time to go to training.

  That morning he trained harder than he ever had before. It was almost as if he was trying to prove something. Joel watched on with bewilderment. He knew that something was bothering James but he didn’t know what or who was responsible. As James pushed himself harder and harder, the concern on Joel’s face deepened.

  When James ambled from the pool, completely exhausted, Joel called him over. “Hey James, come here.”

  James stalked over quickly. He was anxious to get home and make sure that everything was still in its proper place. He knew it could have been a crank call but something somewhere deep inside him wouldn’t let him dismiss it. Wherever he looked he was right there. Every sound he heard was a voice warning him over and over and over again to leave her alone. And as much as he wanted to, James couldn’t shake the sneaking suspicion that it hadn’t been fake. It had been a genuine warning to stay away from her.

  “James, you wanna tell me what’s up?” Joel asked.

  “What are you talking about? I trained pretty bloody hard today,” James snapped.

  “You worked harder than I’ve seen you work in a long time, but I want to know exactly what’s going on,” Joel said, sitting down on a bench.

  “Nothing,” James lied.

  “James, I a
m your coach, and more than that, I’m your friend. And you’re not a good liar, so don’t bullshit me, boy. Tell me the truth,” Joel coaxed.

  “It’s just that I got a really strange phone call this morning. I don’t know who it was, but they just kept warning me to ‘stay away from her,’” James admitted, making air quotes. “I don’t know where or how they got my number, but I do know that I sure as hell don’t like it.” James ran his fingers through his wet hair.

  “Have you spoken to Tim about it?”

  “Why does Tim need to know about some stupid phone call? He’s my manager, not my body guard. He doesn’t need to monitor my phone calls,” James reasoned.

  “Tell him. And Anna too,” Joel instructed.

  “Okay, I give. I’ll tell Tim, but I’m not going to worry Anna with this. She only just got her life back. I refuse to be responsible for destroying that. She can have her happiness,” James said, leaving no room for argument.

  “It’s your call, James. But remember Anna’s a smart cookie. She’ll notice that something’s bothering you. And she’ll ask questions. But the question you have to ask yourself is, are you willing to lie to her?”

  “What if I lie to her to protect her?”

  “James, you know Anna. She’s not some naïve, delicate flower. And you know that it doesn’t matter what your intentions are. If you lie to her, you’ve lied to her. There’s no other way to look at it. I know you would do anything in your power to protect her but you have to remember she’s not some helpless child. She’s going to be your wife. And marriage is sharing the good and the bad.” Joel sighed as James shook his head in defeat. “You better get a wriggle on; I know you’re meeting with Tim in half an hour. Scram.” Joel smiled, walking away.