‘So, come on, spill.’ Zoe looked at Pippa sternly, crossing her arms and clearly taking no more bullshit. Pippa shuffled around in the kitchen, taking longer than necessary to wipe the sides down and pack her cake utensils away. This was not a conversation she wanted to have. Not now. Not ever. If only Jason had just stopped being a pig for one second, this would never have happened. She put the last of the utensils in to soak in the sink and plonked herself down onto the chair opposite Zoe at the breakfast bar. Folding her hands around the warm mug of coffee, she let her shoulders slump for the first time in forever.
‘Just don’t go on about it, okay? It’s nothing.’ Even though she knew Zoe wouldn’t accept this, she still felt the need to try and protect her dignity. To try and project this image that, up until now, she had managed to keep up.
Zoe shook her head. ‘Nope. Not happening, Pip.’
Pippa exhaled. ‘Honestly, it’s nothing. He’s clearly just had a bad day and is a bit off. Haven’t you ever had a day where you don’t want to talk to anyone? It’s normal. He’s just stressed. There’s a lot going on at work at the moment and he’s been feeling the pressure and…’ Pippa stopped as Zoe raised her hand up to silence her. ‘What?’
‘Pip, I am not stupid. I am also not the kind of friend to sit back and not say anything when I feel like something is up.’ They sat in silence for a minute, neither one knowing what to say. Eventually Zoe said, ‘Are things not good between you two?’ Pippa hesitated. If she spoke about it now then there was no taking things back. Zoe reached over and placed her hand on top of hers. ‘You know you can trust me. I promise anything you say will be kept between us.’ She gave Pippa a warming smile and it made her want to cry.
She took a deep breath. ‘Things have been… hard, recently.’
‘Okay, in what way?’
‘He’s been working lots and coming home stressed out. He takes it out on me – not physically,’ she added quickly before that thought entered Zoe’s mind. ‘He gets stroppy or shouts, or he hits the drink. But that just makes it worse because I then get the shouting when he’s drunk and the stroppiness tenfold when he’s sobering up.’
‘Oh, Pip, I had no idea. I’m sorry.’
Pippa laughed. ‘Why are you sorry? You haven’t done anything.’
‘I know, but I feel bad that you’ve been having a rubbish time and dealing with it on your own. You should’ve told me.’
‘It’s no big deal.’ She shrugged and tried to brush it off, but now she was saying the words out loud, she was starting to realise how miserable things had become lately.
‘So, when you told him about the baby …’ Zoe trailed off as Pippa nodded.
‘He wasn’t too happy. He seemed more stressed than happy.’ Sadness rose from the pit of her stomach and set up camp in her chest.
‘Why would he go through IVF with you if he didn’t want a baby?’
‘He does want a baby. Well, he says he does. And he did when we were going through the process, he’s just, more recently, seemed a bit distant from everything. Well, everything apart from work.’
‘And have you spoken to him about how much he’s working?’ She stood up and flicked the kettle back on.
Pippa nodded. ‘Yeah, but what can you do? If there’s work that needs doing, it has to be done. I can’t have him falling behind or getting the sack because then where will that leave us when the baby comes? We need that income. I will have to take a break from work when I have the baby, so his income will be our only source of money. He needs that job – we both do.’ She drunk the remainder of her coffee and passed Zoe the cup.
‘But Pip, you two can’t carry on like this. What about when the baby comes? Is he going to continue to shout and drink whilst you take care of the baby and recover from childbirth?’ Zoe’s voice had become more urgent, almost begging Pippa to see her side of the argument. But Pippa couldn’t.
‘There’s nothing I can do about it, Zoe.’
‘Of course there is! You tell him to shape up or ship out!’ Zoe thrust her thumb over her shoulder, reiterating the throwing-him-out part.
Pippa laughed sadly. ‘I can’t do that.’
‘Why?’ Zoe plonked herself back down on the chair opposite, facing Pippa squarely.
‘Zoe, I’m not like you. I can’t be on my own. I’m not strong enough. I don’t have the ability to be this strong, independent woman that you are. I wish I did, I really do. You make it look so easy, but I can’t do it.’
‘Rubbish!’ Zoe banged her hand on the table. ‘Of course you can bloody do it! That man doesn’t own you, and he certainly doesn’t own the right to whether you are happy or not.’ She leaned in closer, looking right in Pippa’s eye. ‘Honey, if you aren’t happy, you need to either tell him, or leave him.’
Pippa felt sick. This was all too personal for her liking. She didn’t do opening up to people. And now Zoe was on the inside and she would think badly of her… she should never have opened up. ‘I’m happy, honestly. Once the baby comes, things will be fine. I know they will. I’m just being a baby about it all – must be the hormones or something.’
‘But Pip –’
‘Zoe, listen to me. This baby means more to me than anything in the world; I don’t have another chance at this. I have no more savings; I can’t pay for any more treatment. I am not bringing this baby up in a broken marriage – it needs its mummy and daddy and I will do everything to make that okay. So please, don’t keep on. I’ve made my decision and I’m staying. End of.’ She stood up. ‘Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to pee for the hundredth time today.’ She smiled warmly at Zoe to try and show her gratitude for her caring so much. As she walked past, Pippa stopped and hugged Zoe from behind very quickly, and then turned to go to the bathroom as fast as she could. She’d already failed by opening up to Zoe about all this crap; she wasn’t about to let her see her cry over it too.
Chapter 19
‘How are you feeling?’
Ellie glanced over at her sister, who was sitting on the chair directly next to her. She was finding it difficult to describe just how she was feeling. Terror was curdled up with anxiety, worry and panic. There was a small part of her that was a little excited about seeing the baby for the first time, but nerves were definitely the dominating feeling right now. She pushed a smile out and replied, ‘I’m all right.’
‘What time is Chris getting here? I hope he makes it in time.’
‘He should be here by now.’ Ellie looked at the clock on the wall: 10.27.
‘Are you excited to see the baby?’ Zoe was trying really hard to make this experience a positive one and Ellie actually really appreciated it. When Zoe suggested she register as a temporary patient at the local doctors so things could get underway, Ellie was initially reluctant, but actually it made sense. As did all of Zoe’s good ideas.
Ellie’s phone vibrated.
I’m just parking the car – I’ll be two minutes! Don’t go in without me!
Ellie typed back a simple, ‘Okay’ and put the phone back into her pocket. ‘Chris is just parking the car.’ Zoe nodded as she flicked through the four-year-old magazine from the table. Moments later, Chris went running past the door.
‘Chris!’ Ellie called out, letting a little giggle escape her mouth. She waited a second and then his head suddenly appeared round the doorframe.
‘There you are!’ He walked over to her and kissed her on the cheek, then going to Zoe and doing the same. ‘The receptionist sent me up here but said it was the room opposite the lifts.’
Ellie pointed to the lifts at the other end of the room.
‘Ohhhh…’
Ellie laughed. ‘You idiot. At least you’re here now. They haven’t called us in yet.’ Ellie smiled. She was secretly so glad he was here. As nice as it was that Zoe said she would come with her for the scan, having Chris here meant a great deal.
‘How are you feeling?’ Chris asked, slipping into the chair on Ellie’s other side.
‘I’m al
l right,’ she repeated. ‘Desperate for a wee, though.’
‘Can you not quickly go? I’m sure they’ll wait.’ Chris looked around the room as he spoke, clearly trying to locate a toilet. ‘Look, over there.’ He pointed.
‘I can’t, I have to fill up my bladder so the picture is clearer.’ Chris looked at her, shocked, with a little smile. ‘I know, get me! Knowing all my baby shit.’ They laughed, both clearly as nervous as one another but neither wanting to show it.
‘Ellie Samson?’ The nurse called out, and every inch of Ellie’s body tensed.
Chris leaned over and took her hand. ‘Come on, it’ll be okay.’ He smiled and Ellie nodded – more for herself than anything else.
‘I’ll wait out here,’ Zoe said, bringing Ellie temporarily out of her shock.
‘What? No, you can come in too.’
‘Ellie, it’s fine. You have Chris with you – have this moment just you two. I’ll see the picture.’ Zoe nodded and encouraged Ellie to go.
When inside the room, Ellie could feel her heartbeat galloping. She repeatedly glanced over at Chris, who kept nodding and smiling. She was so glad he was here.
‘Okay, if you want to take a seat on the bed, and you can sit here.’ She indicated a chair to Chris next to the bed. ‘And let’s meet your baby.’
Half an hour later, Ellie was in the waiting room watching Zoe coo over the picture.
‘Oh my goodness, it’s so perfect,’ she just kept saying.
‘And look, there’s its nose…’ Chris was leaning over her shoulder, playing the excited daddy very well. Ellie watched his face as he showed Zoe the picture. He was absolutely over the moon. Ellie was too. Everything was okay with the baby. ‘Estimated due date of June 29th,’ Chris was saying.
‘Oh my goodness, this makes it all seem so real now.’ Zoe stood up and grabbed her car keys. ‘Right, I’m just going to pop to the loo and then we can get going.’
Once Zoe had disappeared into the toilet, Chris walked over to Ellie and, without saying anything, pulled her close to him and hugged her. She buried her face into his chest and let him completely enfold her in the hug.
‘Well done, Mummy,’ he said, and kissed her on the head.
And she wanted to stay there forever.
PART TWO:
The Second Trimester
Chapter 20
‘IT’S CHRIIIIISTMAAAAAASSSS!’
Imogen jumped out of bed to the sound of Christmas songs ringing out loudly from the bungalow. It took her a moment before she remembered that she was staying at Alice’s parents’ house this year and they had decided to sleep over on Christmas Eve so that they didn’t have to make the journey on Christmas morning. After opening the curtains she moved back over to the bed and planted a gentle kiss on Alice’s lips, waking her up with a smile.
‘Good morning, beautiful. Is it that time already?’
‘Yep, it’s Christmas!’ Imogen bounced up and down on the bed.
‘You’re like a kid at Christmas, Ims: our children are going to love Christmas.’ She rubbed her eyes and dropped her head back onto the pillow.
‘Guess what?’ She squealed excitedly. Clapping her hands together.
Alice smiled fondly. ‘I don’t know, what?’
‘I may have bought a little something for the babies…’ Imogen coyly looked over her shoulder in a bid to make herself look as innocent as possible. They had said they wouldn’t buy anything yet.
‘Ims …’ Alice warned, but her tone was light.
‘I know, I know, but I just saw these and they were the cutest little things.’ Her voice rose to a higher pitch as she spoke. ‘Look.’ She whipped the bag from under the bed and handed it to Alice. She watched excitedly as Alice unwrapped the yellow tissue paper to reveal two beautiful cream bunnies.
‘Oh, they’re beautiful!’ Alice picked up one and stroked her thumb over the fur. ‘They’re so soft.’
‘I know. I saw them the other day and just couldn’t resist getting them. I know we said we weren’t going to jinx it by buying things now but, just these won’t hurt.’ She plastered a huge smile on her face to try and win Alice back over.
‘You, madam, are a pain in the bum!’ She tapped Imogen on the nose and then lay back down on the bed.
‘Come on, come on, get up. I want to give you my present.’ Imogen pulled the covers off Alice, revealing just a pair of very short shorts and a bra. ‘You might want to chuck some clothes on too, before you go over to the bungalow.’
‘I was hoping we could have a little cuddle in bed before going over.’ Alice winked and tapped the bed beside her. This was definitely a perk to staying in the annex.
‘But your parents…’ Imogen looked towards the door and back but couldn’t stop the grin from spreading.
‘They won’t bother us, it’s still early.’
‘They’re playing Christmas songs.’
‘Yeah I know, but that just means that Mum is baking. She’ll be doing the Christmas scones for breakfast. We have at least an hour before we need to be over there. Come on, come back to bed.’
Imogen didn’t miss the twinkle in her eye and she jumped back into bed, giggling. ‘But only quickly, I don’t want your mum thinking we are staying in here all day.’
Alice pulled her close and began kissing her neck. ‘Don’t worry, this won’t take long.’ And she giggled as she pulled the cover over their heads.
*****
‘Jason, come on. How long are you going to be?’ Pippa stabbed at the potatoes and dropped them onto the plates with frustration. It didn’t go unnoticed and Jason’s mum tutted.
‘You know, if you bake them in goose fat they come out a lot nicer than those ones you’re serving.’
Pippa clenched her teeth together and held on to the comment she was tempted to throw back at Jason’s mother. Ever since she arrived the day before yesterday, she had been criticising everything that Pippa was doing. She couldn’t cook properly, she didn’t fold the clothes in the right way, she used too much washing-up liquid, she didn’t do enough for her son – there was literally nothing Pippa could do to make his mother happy. So when she had spent all morning in the kitchen, slaving away, making a Christmas dinner that was worthy of his mother’s taste buds – all whilst being pregnant and finishing off the Christmas orders she had to bake – and his mother still felt the need to comment, Pippa was starting to struggle with not retaliating. She always felt the loss more at this time of the year more than ever. It was the tenth year without her mum and the fourth year without her dad and it didn’t get any easier to handle.
It didn’t help matters that Jason had spent the entire morning glued to his phone with his feet up in the living room, Christmas films on in the background. She had called him about twenty minutes ago and asked him to set the table ready for when she dished up, but he was still yet to surface.
‘Jason!’
‘Oh leave him! He works hard all year round, he should be relaxing over the Christmas period. You can lay the table, surely?’
‘Oh yeah, I’ll just bloody do everything, shall I? Stick a broom up my arse and sweep the floor as I do everything else. It’s okay, I’m only pregnant with your grandchild.’ As much as she wanted to say all of that to his mum, she opted for muttering this under her breath. So when she replied, ‘Sorry dear?’ and looked up from the crossword she was doing on the dining-room table, Pippa just smiled and said, ‘Nothing.’
She continued plating up and then laid the table herself. Calling Jason in when dinner was on the table. He came in almost instantly. ‘Oh, so you can hear me when it’s time to eat, then.’
‘Sorry, Pip, I was sorting work stuff.’ He sat down and put his mobile on the table.
‘On Christmas Day?’
‘Yeah,’ was his reply, but he didn’t look at her. She hated how much he was stuck on his phone lately. She felt as if she was in a three-way marriage. It wasn’t just that, though. She felt guilty too. And his mum never let her forget.
Pippa glared at her. ‘I am grateful,’ she said, through gritted teeth.
His mum made a humph noise and set about sorting her napkin out. Pippa looked over at Jason, who had now picked up his phone again and was tapping away at the screen. ‘Can’t we have a ‘no phones at the table’ rule, just this once? It would be nice to have a family meal and chat.’ Pippa put everyone’s meals in front of them and then sat down herself as Jason huffed and put his phone in his pocket. She supposed that was better than nothing.
The meal dragged. Talking to Jason when he was so distracted was hard enough lately, but trying to talk to his mum, who found fault in everything, was even worse. She found herself opting to stay quiet and just eat. She had been dreading Christmas Day for exactly this reason. When Jason had suggested inviting his mum over this year, Pippa cringed. They didn’t normally have her over as she always went to friends with her husband and Pippa and Jason spent it just the two of them. Normally they would relax together and spend quality time with each other. But because his mum was here this year, Pippa hadn’t relaxed from the second she got up. She tried really hard to engage his mother in conversation, but when she constantly moaned about how Pippa was not good enough at anything, she kind of gave up.
‘How is Charlie?’ Pippa asked, trying one last attempt at breaking the awkward silence. ‘He’s fine, I suppose. Thanks for bringing that up!’ His mother snapped back.
Charlie was Jason’s dad. He was actually okay to get along with but he and Jason’s mum recently split up – which was why she was here and not at the usual friend’s house this Christmas. They had parted on amicable terms, which was why Pippa thought it was safe to talk about it. Clearly not.
‘I’m sorry, I just thought –’
‘That’s the thing, though, Pippa, isn’t it. You don’t always think. Sometimes it is best to just stay quiet, dear, isn’t it? Maybe you should try it.’
The First Time Mums' Club Page 15
