by Haley Jenner
More than any of that. More than the feeling of hopelessness. My heart hurts. It fucking aches. I’m working my damnedest to numb it, but its morphed into a thorned parasite in my chest, ripping my insides open with every tortured beat.
I will it to stop.
Hurting.
Beating.
Yet, the torture continues. Deserved, I know, but I’m weak enough to admit death would be welcome. A sore and sorry wave of relief.
Codi’s video stops again and I reach forward, slamming a finger down to make it play again.
“Self-pity doesn’t suit you.”
I startle at the thick masculine voice that sounds further away in my muffled brain. I sit up straighter, coming eye to eye with Dominic Rein, hands in his pockets, standing coolly in the doorway of my office.
Call me fucking crazy, but I feel relaxed by his presence. Relieved. Fucking grateful, because now it all makes sense. Why he protected Rocco and I to begin with. Why he fed us all the timeline of events that unfolded in our apartment.
Dominic Rein wanted to end us. Himself.
He laughs quietly at what he reads on my face, moving into the room. “Don’t look so pleased to see me, I’m not here to hurt you, Parker. You want to die, sort that shit yourself.”
He drops gracefully into the chair across from me, reading the disappointment in my eyes. His large palm rubs against the strong line of his jaw in thought as he considers me. His gaze drops to my laptop, reaching out to turn it his way and I inhale deeply as he taps play, watching his daughter, alone and broken, fleeing my club. The video stops and he stares at the screen, palm covering his mouth, eyes dancing with fury.
Exhaling heavily, he leans back in his chair before looking at me again. I swallow the remainder of my drink, sliding the glass onto my desk roughly.
“You thought I came here to hurt you. Kill you even. Correct?”
I offer a single nod in confirmation.
“Contrary to popular belief, I tend to keep away from murder. It’s messy,” he scowls. “Not to mention, it’s not always friendly to the conscience.”
Readjusting the cuffs of his dress shirt, pulling at the sleeves, he exudes the authority of a man not to be fucked with. One not to cross.
“Obviously, I’m more than unimpressed that your and your brother’s plan for revenge included my daughter,” he pauses, his attention dragging across the room in bored curiosity. “But, I get it,” he shocks the shit out of me by admitting.
He sees the surprise on my face, laughing quietly. “What I don’t get,” he continues, eyeing me intently, “is how you can love my daughter, but be okay with breaking her heart.”
I shift uncomfortably in my seat, swallowing deeply. Out of nowhere, I feel stone cold fucking sober. My mouth opens to speak, but nothing comes. I clear my throat, trying uselessly to find anything worthy to say. But truth is, he’s right. I broke Codi’s heart. I’m a piece of shit. Worthless.
“I don’t deserve Codi. Better yet, she deserves someone better than me.” I settle on the truth, the only viable reason I have for causing her pain.
“Agreed,” he nods and I scowl heavily in his direction. Not at him, just at his support of the pitiful truth that I’ll never be good enough to claim the heart of the only person I care to.
Silence descends between us. It’s awkward and uncomfortable as fuck, and I’m tempted to ask him to leave, but that just leaves me alone once again, suffocating in my self-pity. That, and in all honesty, I don’t think he’d actually listen.
“My marriage turned sour relatively early on,” one leg crosses over the other, his attention focused on readjusting his pants as he speaks. “We fell pregnant with Camryn at the beginning of our relationship and our parents convinced us that marriage was our only option. Sarah resented me, she resented Camryn, but I couldn’t find it in myself to return her feelings of anger. I had Camryn. How can hate be born from the birth of your child?” It’s a rhetorical question and he shrugs his own answer, exhaling heavily.
“I always thought she’d move past it all and learn to love the life we’d started to build,” he rolls his eyes, his head shaking in irritation at himself.
“When information started filtering itself to your father’s ears, after careful consideration and investigation, I knew it had to be her but I had no clue who she was metaphorically in bed with. I guess I assumed it was unintentional, that she was an unknowing party in the arrangement. So, I ignored the gravity of the situation. Then she got pregnant.”
He stands then, moving towards my booze, pouring himself a sizeable whiskey. The tension in his body has him coiled tight; rehashing painful moments from his life that stir emotions inside of him he’s not comfortable with. Yet, he continues, turning and leaning against my liquor cabinet, one hand tucked casually in his pants pocket, the other holding the tumbler in his hand.
“Experience would now tell me that I’m a fucking idiot and never once considered the baby wasn’t mine. Shit, even Sarah seemed more excited by this pregnancy than the last. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, it’s obvious now her joy stemmed from the fact that this baby wasn’t mine.”
His neck tips back, the amber liquid in his glass disappearing down his throat in one swallow.
“Camryn looked so much like me when she was born. Codi, on the other hand, looked like neither of us. It happens though, throwbacks from family genes. As my trust for Sarah began to dissipate, I became more aware and as Codi grew it became more and more obvious; her skin tone, the color of her hair, her eyes. So, I gave into temptation, into my curiosity. She has a completely different blood type. To both Sarah and I.”
His fist clenches. Unravels and clenches again. “I was so fucking mad. I wanted to kill her,” he admits, moving to sit across from me once again. “How could she betray me so forcefully?”
“I arrived home with fire in my soul, with hate in my heart, but as soon as I stepped through our front door, Codi launched herself into my arms, kissed my face, giggled and said ‘I missed you, Daddy.’”
Vulnerability isn’t something shown from men like Dominic Rein, but here, in this private moment, tears in his eyes, he’s shown me his.
“My blood might not run through her veins but my blood runs through her veins.”
“She’s yours,” I agree, the roughly spoken words giving away my emotion of the moment.
“She’s mine,” he concurs, sniffing thickly, swallowing deeply. “In every way that matters. Fuck, biology.”
Clearing his throat, he shifts in his seat. “The kind of better that Codi deserves doesn’t exist in this world. I’ve come to accept that. I just want her to find love with someone who’d lay down their life for hers. A man whose heart is overflowing with the love he’ll offer her. The same way hers will spill over in love for him. Seems you’re that man for her. She that woman for you?”
He takes my long drawn out blink as confirmation. “Well, I suggest you spend the rest of your life loving her greater than your fullest potential. Fiercely. Without quandary. If you think someone else can love her harder or more completely than you, you’re right, you don’t deserve her. But if you know, without a doubt no one will love her the way you do, then you make this right.”
I turn my head away, tears stinging my eyes. “What I did,” I croak out and his sigh is heavy enough to pull my attention.
“We all make mistakes, Parker. You let them define you, and you’re gonna live a life like the one you have been these last twenty-four hours. You choose to learn from them,” he implores, leaning forward in his chair. “This gigantic, fucked-up mess brought you love. If you let your mistakes swallow you, it was all for nothing. Make it mean something, Parker. Grab onto the positive in this shitty situation and don’t fucking let go.”
My head drops into my hands and I pull in my first full breath in months. Years, even. Possibly from the moment my mom was taken from me.
“What if she won’t—” I lift my head to an empty office, Dominic having left
without a sound.
I throw my chair back, standing in haste as I rush from my office and down the stairs. The same path Codi took when I crushed the last shreds of her heart.
Throwing open the door of Ruin with excessive force, I come face to face with Dominic, leaning casually against his car, a satisfied smirk dancing along his face.
“Good. You’re ready,” he announces. “Let’s go.” He taps the passenger door, indicating I get inside and walks around the car to jump in the driver’s seat.
The guy was either talking outta his ass and I’m about to meet a bloody and painful death or he’s taking me to find my heart. The promise of the latter is too much to pass up, so I climb in his Audi without regret.
“Where we goin’?”
“Dinner,” he smiles, pulling onto the street.
Thirty
Codi
“Dad say why he wanted us for dinner so last minute?”
Camryn glances at me then back to the road. “Nah. Said it was important though.”
She leans forward, turning the radio off on an irritated grunt. “Fuckin’ hate that song. Wait. You don’t think mom’s back?”
I didn’t even contemplate that as a possibility. Sarah fled the same day I went to dad with Parker’s story; heartbroken and disbelieving. I understand why she ran. She knew her secret was out. That her lifelong trail of deceit would unravel and she’d be left with no shield of protection.
“You think he’ll kill her? Dad? If she does come back?” My voice is soft as I vocalize the thought as soon as it pops into my mind. I’m not saddened or frightened by the thought. More curious. About Camryn’s thoughts and maybe my lack of emotion or turmoil attached to the possibility.
Camryn’s quiet as she considers my words, but when she finally speaks, it’s confident, certain. “No.”
“No?”
“Uh-uh,” she shakes her head, eyes darting to me then back to the road. “No matter how much he hates her. She still gave him the two of us. He’ll let her live.”
I surmise she’s right. It’s crazy to think that only a few months ago, talking about death, about taking the life of another would’ve have been met with shock and disgust on my behalf. Yet here, driving to our family home for dinner, Camryn and I are discussing these exact points like it’s nothing more than a conversation about the weather. About our own mother no less.
There’s no denying that I’ve changed. How could I not? My life up until Parker was quiet, undisturbed, easy. Now there’s a darkness that’s been let into my life and it’s irrevocably changed the way I view the world. I’m still me. Codi Rein; sweet like sugar, but inexperienced is no longer a word I feel associated with. My naivety is gone, having disappeared in a puff of smoke the moment I saw two people die right before my eyes.
“Well, I can’t see her car,” Camryn pulls me from my thoughts and I glance around the driveway.
“You don’t think dad has pulled us here to tell us he’s going to prison? For killing Marcus?” I hate speaking his name. I hate thinking about him. I hate knowing that whether I admit it or not, we’re genetically linked. A shiver runs along my spine and I shake it off, my mouth twisting horribly in distaste.
“Did you see those fucking cops?” Camryn barks out a laugh. “I get they’re on Dad’s payroll, but could they be any more obvious? The lead detective literally turned his back, to stare at a wall while dad was feeding us what happened,” she finishes her sentence in quotation marks, her eyes wide with disbelief. “Not to mention you and Parker were showering, washing evidence from your skin and not one of them blinked an eyelid.”
I don’t let my thoughts fall back to that emotionally charged moment with Parker. Both of us breaking at the seams, our grief and anguish leaking from our eyes. The rough, stuttered sound of his cries still haunt my dreams. If I let my mind go there, I can still feel them echoing into my neck, kissing along my skin. All I could do was stand there and hold on, knowing that no matter what had happened between us, in that moment, he had me to lean on.
I rub at my eyes. There are no tears. Jesus, there’d be none left in my body. I’m all dried out. My eyes feel like sandpaper in my skull. I’ve cried too much. So much that my body has now refused to cooperate with my need to rid my rollercoaster emotions from my body with thick, ugly tears.
Camryn touches my arm and I startle.
“Babe, Dad’s fine. He’s not in trouble.” She’s misread my dilemma, but I’m okay with that. If she knew my thoughts were on Parker and not dad, she’d want to talk about him and I don’t wanna do that. Not now. Not ever.
“Yeah,” I force a weak smile, moving from her car without another word.
The smell of rich tomato sauce hits us as soon as we step into the house and Camryn inhales happily.
“Spaghetti. Fuck yeah.”
Her footsteps are close behind mine as she follows me toward the kitchen, babbling about garlic bread and parmesan cheese.
He stands as soon as I step into the room and my feet cease their ability to move. My body locks rock solid, from the tips of my toes all the way to the hair follicles on the very top of my head. Everything pauses and my capacity to pull in a breath seems to be lost.
Camryn slams into me, yet, my body doesn’t move an inch.
“FUCK, Codi. What the hell?” She growls, pushing at my back in irritation. “Oh,” she adds, finally noticing our unexpected dinner guest, standing awkwardly at our dining table.
She moves toward him without fanfare, hugging her body around his, while standing on tiptoes to whisper in his ear.
A small smile plays at his lips and he nods down at her when she pulls back. “Noted.”
She winks, tapping his arm before kissing our dad’s cheek and sitting at the table.
“Codi,” my dad speaks, but I can’t move my eyes away. They’re glued to him, standing in my family home, looking undeniably awkward, yet heartbreakingly hopeful. “You remember—”
“Bob,” Parker cuts him off, the word a little louder than necessary.
Biting my lip, I hide the smile threatening to creep onto my face. Our eyes remain glued on one another, a smile stretching his lips. It’s genuine. His smile and my heart spasms in my chest, kick-starting itself back to life.
“Come. Sit. Eat,” my dad instructs and without warning my feet concede to his direction, moving me to my seat across from Parker.
Neither of us eat, too caught up with watching one another. He looks healthier, or at least showered. His hair is styled in the way I’m used to and while the shadows under his eyes are hollow and dark, his eyes themselves hold a spark I was convinced had died only twenty-fours ago.
I should probably speak. Let him know that I’m happy he’s here, but my vocal cords seem to have seized. He’s much the same, watching on quietly for long drawn out minutes.
The only sound in the room is the clatter of cutlery along Camryn and dad’s plates, my own heavy breathing echoing in my ears.
Without warning, Parker stands abruptly, and Dad and Camryn stop, food halfway to their mouths as their eyes settle on his shaking frame.
“Excuse us,” Parker speaks, eyes still focused on me and without looking to my family, I stand too.
Parker follows me from the dining room, up the stairs, and into my childhood bedroom. The door closes softly behind him and I stand awkwardly in the middle of the space, waiting.
“Thank you for coming to Mira’s funeral,” he starts, rolling his shoulders in discomfort. I hear the sadness in his voice as her name leaves his mouth. His tongue catches in his lips, his eyes glimmering with emotion.
“Wasn’t sure I was welcome, I … When you finally saw me, you looked at me so vacantly.”
A bark of laughter escapes his closed mouth, eyes tipping to the ceiling and back to me.
“Clocked your car the moment you pulled up. Was too scared to look at you in the eye. Selfish reasons,” he smiles sadly. “I didn’t wanna see how I was feelin’ painted clear as day on you. More
than that, I was afraid to see the hate in your eyes. Before you walked outta my life, your eyes were shootin’ daggers of hate at me. Wasn’t ready for that to pierce me again.”
I remain quiet, his words drowning me in sadness? In relief? Solace in knowing I wasn’t fighting this tsunami of heartbreak alone, barely holding on as wave after wave of misery and pain crashed against us, making it impossible to fight.
“In the end, couldn’t help myself,” he continues, eyes scanning over teenage Codi’s bedroom. “I threw up every last defense I had left, which was next to nothin’ and I looked,” he finally settles his stare back on me. “Your chaotic eyes were as uncertain and sad as you were, I’m asshole enough to admit all I could feel was relief. Because, although I deserve it, you hating me was enough to make me wanna die.”
He lets that filter between us and I continue to choose my silence. For no other reason than he seems hell-bent on needing to speak.
“I’m sorry,” he starts again, licking his lips and coughing to clear his throat. “I’m so fuckin’ sorry, Sugar. For everything—”
“Parker,” I cut him off. “I told you, I get it.”
He nods, shifting uncomfortably on his feet. “I know that. I appreciate that you’re not hating on me for what I did, that you’re workin’ to understand the place I was in, still, I’m sorry, baby. For everything. For the stupid fuckin’ plan in the first place, for pulling you in, for deceiving you, for takin’ shit from you that should’na been mine to take, not when I was livin’ a lie. For taking your love and throwin’ it away. All of it. I’m fucking sorry.”
He looks equal parts defeated and relieved by his apology and I take a step to move toward him, needing to touch him. But he stops me with a quick shake of his head, a palm held up in a gesture to wait.
“Let me get all this out first. I need… I never told you the most fuckin’ important thing about me. I should’ve, instead, I held it in here,” he taps a fist against his large chest, his Adam’s apple bobbing with effort against the thickness in his throat. “Without knowin’ it, I let what I felt for you fire my hope and I know I shouldn’t have held onto it without shouting to anyone who would fuckin’ listen, but I held it tight, Codi. Fuck, did I hold on. I let it keep me alive, even when I was sinking into the very depths of hell, you kept me breathin’.”
