I breathe life.
Spirits
Call me louder, I still can’t hear
Can’t hear you say
‘Husband come home’
I lay awake at night listening in the darkness
Call LOUDER
If I could hear you
I know I would come
My spirit running ahead of me
Jubilant at returning to its love haven
HOLLER
Say ‘Husband come home’
Not with word
Words are meaningless tools
To the love spirit
We must holler both together
Our spirits will burst free and unite
Let’s do it!
We can do it!
Try! Do it!
Do it
NOW
COME! HOME!
She was gone. I’d lost my Tia. My wife, my fine black woman. When it hit me I just about went down for the count, Bruh. Shit. Talk about a lonely, sorrowful dude. She was gone. And she was all I had. I mean youall were still out there. Mom and you and the family. But that’s different. That ain’t the same as having your woman. She been with me so long. We been through so much. The trial. Appeals. She been the one standing by me every time I got disappointed. Every time the man be telling me you ain’t worth shit, ain’t nothing about you worth saving, Tia was there beside me, crying wit me. Wouldna made it without her. I owe her so much. Always will. Soon’s I got my head together I couldn’t stay mad with her. She did what she had to do. I knew all along the day would come when she’d believe me, when she’d believe in her own self and she’d have to try her own wings. So I ain’t bitter now. But I was hurt. And mad, too, for a while. You know how you get. Your whole world starts to crumbling and seems like ain’t nothing you can do but hit back.
I was crazy for a while. And they always watching you in here. Remember how Mom used to scare us into being good around Christmastime. You know how she always be saying Santa Claus is watching. He sees you doing wrong and he’s not nice to bad litüe boys and girls. You remember? Got to be a real pain in the ass. That Jolly Ole St. Nicholas ass punk looking over your shoulder all the time, getting in your business. Sees you when you sleeping. Sees you when you wake. Better be good for goodness’ sake. That’s how it is here. They know when something’s bothering you. When you’re down. That’s when they come round and fuck wit you. Play with your head. It’s dangerous then. They can mess with your mind and, believe me, they will try. They’re good at that shit. Put you in a world of trouble. Been round here long enough to see it happen to plenty other guys.
Don’t take much to set somebody off when they down. See, you be hurting already. Don’t be giving a fuck about nothing and you ready to climb the goddamn walls anyway and one them guards come over and say something. Don’t have to be much. You ready to explode anyway so he don’t have to say much. Just a word sometimes or that nasty cracker tone of voice will set somebody off and Boom. He’s gone. He’s messed up real good before he even knows what he done. Real heavy-duty trouble. Good time gone. Probation gone. Ninety days in the hole. Seen it happen to other guys so when I felt myself slipping, I started saying to myself just what I been saying to you. Watch out. Be careful. Don’t let nobody see you down.
It was good. Real good between me and Tia. For both of us. She gave me everything a woman can give a man. Stuck by me seven long, hard years. She came down here to the joint when nobody else would. We helped each other. But then what had to happen happened, so wasn’t no point in crying over spilled milk. Told myself, Don’t be bitter. Talked to myself till I was blue in the face. It wasn’t easy. I was hurt bad. But Tia was gone and that was that so I had to get my own shit together. Couldn’t let them clowns see I was tore up. They’d start hanging round like vultures.
Wrote her a letter or two. Wrote one to you, I think, crying the blues. Finally I started to get it together. Stop feeling sorry for myself. I mean I could see the big picture. What I done for Tia. What she done for me. Why she had to go.
I’m still coming round. Ain’t there yet but I’m getting my feet back on the ground. I started feeling glad almost. Feeling free. Like there were all these months we both knew something bad had to happen. Visits got to be something I didn’t really look forward to. Too much pressure. The whole time I’m seeing her I’m kinda choked up and saying all kinds of bullshit but what I really need to say. Looking back now I know I said things to try to hurt Tia. Make her feel bad as I was feeling. Pushing her away cause I knew I was losing her anyway. Got to be a real drag. What we had was too good to end ugly, so when I finally could say to myself, She’s gone. It’s over, I felt kind of relieved; not glad, but free in a way to get on with whatever’s coming next.
And next is this lady I think I’m in love wit. The one got my nose open I got to talk to you about. What time is it? I know you want to hear about the road but I got to talk to somebody bout this other thing. It’s something else, Bruh. We got time, ain’t we? We got another hour and fifteen minutes.
She’s a pretty thing. Light-skinned like Mom, only she got green eyes. Big pretty green eyes, man. Built kind of slim. About medium height. Come up to bout here on me. Little taller than Judy. Kinda Judy’s shape too, now I think about it. Slim but not too slim in the right places. Curly-headed. That kind of light brown almost reddish hair in a nice neat fro. Freckles on her face. A fox. Stone fox. She been pretty all her life but that been her downfall, too. She don’t like being pretty no more. She been hurt behind it too much. She’s all alone in the world. Orphan long as she can remember. Lived with some her people way back when she was a little girl. An aunt and uncle or something cause her mama dead and daddy long gone. That’s all the family she remembers, that aunt and uncle or whoever they was, and she don’t want to remember too much about them. She’s just a little kid and the old dude, he spozed to be taking care of her. Well, you know, he start to getting after her. Messing with her. And the aunt she finds out. Locks Leslie in the closet like it was Leslie did wrong. Leslie don’t like to talk about it but she been laying it out to me. Just a kid, nobody to turn to, and the old dude’s after her and the aunt hates her. Locks her up. Burns her with a iron. She got the marks today. Can you see something like that? It’s hard to believe after coming up like we did with nothing but love all around. Burning a kid cause some old, hard-leg nigger’s messing wit her. Them people must been crazy, man. But that’s the way it was. It’s the hand Leslie got dealt.
Wherever she goes, the first thing happens is some man in the house after her drawers. Then the women hate her. She’s out in the street again. Nobody to turn to. She been in foster homes and state homes and places like that all her life. I tease her, call her Little Orphan Annie sometimes, but it sure ain’t no joke. When she first started telling me about her life she couldn’t get out ten words before tears is running down her cheek. Told her, Stop. Ain’t no need talking bout none that. But she said she ain’t never told it to nobody and she wanted me to listen. She’d mop them green eyes and say, Listen. So I did. And it’s stone ugly. One bad thing after another. You know like in a orphan home then a foster home then juvenile court. Black girls whip her ass cause she’s white. White ones ganging her cause she’s a nigger. Knocked up two or three times. She’s so young she don’t really know nothing bout taking care herself. Nobody ain’t told her nothing. And the dudes don’t give a fuck. They just coming on strong and sweet-talk and bullshit and you so sweet pretty baby next thing she know she pregnant. And she only thirteen or fourteen years old.
Just a matter of time till she’s into dope and selling pussy and stealing. Still a juvenile so she don’t do no heavy time. They put her away then she on the street again in a few months. Tried to make her a ward of the state and do cause she ain’t got no people and nobody wants her, but she says it’s better in the streets than in them state homes. People after her in the homes. Fine little green-eyed, white-skinned colored girl. Hey, now. Ima get me some of
that. Same old shit inside or outside. Least on the outside she could make a little money. Have some freedom. So she’s a runaway. Gets in more trouble behind that. Soon as she’s eighteen, they can’t hold her no more so she’s out in the street. Been there ever since.
Met her when she come to visit one the brothers. She’s living with the guy’s old lady. Watches the kids and cooking and cleaning for rent. She got a place to sleep and she’s helping out cause Yusef’s old lady working every day and somebody needs to take care the kids. Leslie ain’t got no privacy or money or nothing but she’s probably in the best situation she ever been in. Nobody after her. Playing mama to Yusef’s kids.
She likes kids. Says she knows she spoils em but things been so rough for her when she was little she can’t help it. Only thing was dope. She had to have it. She was stealing, doing a little light hustling to get dope money. Wasn’t exactly a junkie but she was steady into getting high so it just a matter of time before she got busted or got hooked bad. Yusef’s old lady knew about the dope. But Leslie’s cool round the kids. She loves the kids and it’s a good thing her being there while Yusef’s in the joint so they ain’t said nothing to Leslie. But Yusef knew and he’s my man so he hipped me after I started hitting on Leslie. Didn’t have to tell me nothing, really. Been round that shit long enough to know. Anyway she come with Yusef’s old lady and his kids first time. Tia and me in the lounge, too. I pinned this fine chick over by the corner where the kids be playing. No doubt about it. She’s checking me out. She’s cool but I know she’s scoping me. Paying attention to what I’m doing. How I carry myself. I goes over to Yusef to get a light. Curious, you know. Not a word but them green eyes steady telling me tales.
Didn’t pay it no mind at first. Just feeling good cause this fine lady digging me. Then she sent a message. Yusef knows me and Tia having trouble. He seen the crying and arguing so he says Leslie wants to know if she could come and visit me sometime. Tia ain’t been using half the visits and nobody else but Mom comes down here so I says, Yeah. Come on. That’s how it started.
One thing led to another. Made up my mind to help her. First thing had to be getting her off that dope. Hipped her to my man Larry and he gave her some pills help get her straight. Then we started serious talking. Who she was. What she really wanted in life. How she could get it.
Told her she could do whatever she wanted to if she set her mind on it. See, fighting the dope was the first step. I told her how and helped her get the pills and she come through and did something she didn’t think she could do. She starts to believing in me. Listening to me. But it’s slow work. She been beat down. She ain’t never thought about things the way I’m trying to make her think. And she ain’t never met nobody like me. Somebody trying to help her. Somebody trying to do something for her and ain’t shucking and jiving. Just telling her the truth. No bullshit. I wasn’t asking for nothing in return. I’m in her corner and that’s new to her. A man telling the truth. A man caring bout her. She needed that bad. Didn’t know how much she needed it, how much she been missing it all her life till she met me and we started rapping.
Don’t take long before we tight. Real tight. Chick woulda gone out and jumped off Highland Park bridge if I told her to. Yeah. She started depending on me. Leaning on me. And I’m steady rapping. Trying to set her on her own two feet. Believe in her own self. She come a long way. She’s off dope and staying out the street but it’s hard. No money. No time to herself, really. And she don’t see no man but me. She’s still hating men and hating herself for being pretty. It’s a crying shame. A girl like that with so much going. She’s smart, John. Smart as a whip. And good-looking. But she been in a bind since day one. She ain’t but twenty now and she done been through hell. She was just about dead. A rotten life, man. Miserable. Makes me wonder. Why’s anybody put on earth to live a life like that?
But Leslie got a chance now. Maybe she can start over. Ima do everything in my power to help her cause I’m digging her to death, Bruh. She wants to marry me.
* * *
Robby’s smiling. Grinning at himself. He can barely believe what he’s saying. His good luck. Fortune smiling on him so he can’t help smiling back even though none of it makes any sense. He’s a little embarrassed. After all, he’s caged. His sentence is life. The bars are real. The romance he’s describing has found a way around all that. He’s tickled because he knows he shouldn’t even entertain notions of love and marriage, let alone expect such goodies to actually fall in his lap. He’s getting away with something and can’t help grinning. Rob’s amazed because something’s happening that ain’t spozed to happen. No way it’s spozed to happen. Prisons are organized to prevent it. He’s a man in love with a woman, being loved in return. The gates remain locked but for the moment he’s holding the key in his hand.
* * *
Hope you can meet her. You’ll dig Leslie. She’s had it real rough but she’s sweet. And shy. Been after her to go meet Mommy but she’s scared. She been burned so much she’s fraid of people. She thinks they take one look and know everything about her. Think she’s nasty. That’s why them guys could sweet-talk her. She’s shamed of herself so she be needing people to say something nice. Then she try to be nice to them. Dudes just use her up and get a hat. She’s ready to die then. Ain’t nothing left.
But she got a chance now. We got a chance. One thing, though. What I wanted to talk to you about. I got this problem. See, Leslie thinks I’m coming out the joint in a year or so.
Yeah. She believes that. Yusef told her that bullshit before she visited me the first time. She asked him all kinda questions about me and well, you know . . . Yusef built me up. He’s my man, but the cat’s known to exaggerate. Tell big, fat lies is what I’m saying. Put me in a bind. Had to say to Leslie, Hold on, baby. Don’t know what Yusef been laying on you but I’m just Robby. Ain’t no superman or supercon or superstud or nothing like that. Just Robby.
But the part about my sentence. Didn’t even know Yusef told her a lie about how long I got to be in here. We’s talking one day and she’s saying something about me finding a job and saving money and it don’t sound right. What ain’t right is she got me back on the street working in a year or so and ain’t nothing like that in the cards. Six, seven years . . . Maybe. If everything goes alright. If I live that long. If they don’t decide to take me off. So I know she’s mixed up but I let it slide. Don’t seem no big thing at the time. Just getting to know her and do and I don’t want to scare the chick away, so shit. If she wants to believe I’ll be outa here tomorrow, let her believe it.
I let it slide but then things start getting serious. I’m her man. Tia’s out the picture now so ain’t no sneaking round and shucking now. Leslie’s the one and I’m her man. She’s starting to count on me being with her on the outside real soon. Talking bout a year’s a long time to wait but she can hold on. Then I try and tell her. Look here. Ain’t nothing certain, babe. This is the slammer and it’s mean in here. The man ain’t gon turn me loose less he wants to. They got a million ways to keep me in here. Anything can happen is what I try to make her understand. Can do my time and get put in a trick and there’s more time to do. Can’t count on no year. Can’t count on nothing.
Well, her face drops. Her lips is trembling and she’s scared. She’s scared and I’m just talking bout adding a year to the year she’s figuring. She commence to coming apart right there in front my eyes. Thought she’d come a long way but she was ready to lose it all in a minute.
Ain’t never seen nobody change that quick. The dope, the hustling, all them bad times back in her eyes like she’s looking at a ghost or something. She can’t take it. She’s still too weak. Everything I been building up starts to crumbling right there in front my face, man. I got scared. Didn’t say no more about time. Neither one of us can talk. She don’t look at me for a couple minutes. We just sitting on one these funky benches like two dummies till she get herself together. She looks me dead in the eye then. Looks through me to my heart. She’s a
little girl again. Says, Robby I love you. Says, I’ll wait. Two years if it gotta be two. They can’t keep you from me forever. If they keep you in here past your time, I’ll wait.
Now I’m just about dying. I know I got to tell this lady exactly where it’s at. But I can’t. Can’t do it to her. Yusef done fed her a fat, juicy lie and it’s wrong but I just can’t hurt her no more. She ain’t ready.
Brought the whole thing up another time. It just kept worrying me. Messing wit my sleep and everything else. Bothering me cause here I was playing with her just like all them other dudes. Wasn’t no way Ima be out the joint in no one or two or three or Lord knows how many years. Had to tell her that cause that was the stone truth. Had to be straight wit her or I was just gon hurt her again like all them other guys. She was depending on me to tell her the truth.
Anyway, I tried another time to bring it up. You know. Tipping up real easy on the whole bit. Spoze this and spoze that . . . spoze you had to wait ten years, twenty years. How you think people handle ten years? Plenty guys in here doing big time like that. Just spozing. Just something to rap about. Like I was curious about how a guy’s old lady keep coming back to this place five, ten years. Wondering how they do it. Cause some do. You know. Just questions-in-my-mind kind of thing so she don’t panic.
Just spozing—but she don’t want to hear it. In no way, shape, or form. She said it’s too terrible to think about. Why’d I even want to talk about something so terrible? She said she knew what she’d do. She said she’d kill herself if they took away the man she loved.
She started getting trembly again but when she said she’d kill herself she meant it. She been hurt bad. She been beat down but Leslie got a hard streak. Got to have one or she wouldn’t be alive today. She did what she had to do. She been in places and into things I don’t know if I coulda handled. And I’m a grown man. And she was just a kid. So she got something sure nuff hard inside. She don’t play. Soft and sweet but she can get down when it’s gittin-down time. When she said she’d kill herself, that’s just what she meant. She tried it a couple times before. Wasn’t her fault she ain’t dead. Hard and soft. A strange lady, Bruh. A whole lot to her. But I knew she wasn’t ready to find out I got a life sentence. She can’t deal with it. And I ain’t been able to deal wit telling her.
Brothers and Keepers Page 27
