by kj lewis
“If it were just me,” I add, “I would go to City Hall tomorrow and get married. Just you and me. But it’s not. We have family that would be hurt to not share in our special day.”
“Then we’ll have a wedding. A small one, but one they can be part of.” Graham puts his arm around me and attempts to draw me closer to him. I pull back and study him for a minute.
“The love I feel for all of them doesn’t begin to compare to the love I have for you Graham. They might know my stories and they might know more about me in some ways, but you have my heart. My whole heart. You’re my first thought in the morning and my last thought at night. I do take you into consideration. I just need a little time for my habits to catch up.”
In a flash, my back is on the bench and Graham is on top of me. Kissing me. Touching me. Grinding into me.
“Fuck!” he pulls back like he’s been bitten.
“What?” I ask frustrated at the loss of connection.
“No sex until the wedding, remember?” He exhales a long breath between his teeth.
“What idiot decided that?”
“A beautiful one,” he chuckles and pulls me up.
“I decided I’m not going to let the dwarfs do a plus one. Only four of them can come. Luke and Russ can’t get off work. I told Becca you would send a plane for her. I’m not going to invite my boys from the mentor program, so I think I can get it down to twelve. Any chance you can get your number down? I’d really like to have a wedding of thirty-five at the most. Including the wedding party.”
“That can be arranged.” He blows into my ear.
My body is already responding. “If you need more people to be at the reception, that would be ok.” I run my hand up and down his length. He removes my hand and drops it playfully back into my lap.
“You have zero willpower.” He stands. “Let’s go to bed. You have an early day tomorrow.”
After an hour of lying in bed, I still can’t sleep. Sliding out of bed so I don’t disturb Graham, I pull on some workout clothes and grab some water before heading to the gym to get some miles in on the treadmill. My iPod connects to the system, and I search out my go-to song list when I need inspiration to feel and be stronger. This room is soundproof, so I have the freedom to listen to the music as loud as I want to without disturbing Graham. Aretha, Beyoncé, Kelly Clarkson, Pink, and Alicia Keyes, my strong divas, help me set a pace. When Kanye’s “Stronger” takes over the sound system, I put it on repeat and set a grueling pace, determined to run until I’m tired enough to sleep. Run until I have some answers. Run until I have the control back that I need. That I crave. It’s late. The buildings around us are mostly dark. I pick a spot outside in front of me and focus on it. Pushing myself.
I thought the addition of support for Addie would make this trip easier. I think all it did was exacerbate the usual things I feel when I see her as well as Tony. My life has changed so drastically the last month that it almost feels foreign to me. I want Harry to have whatever he needs to come to terms with Addie, but I’m exhausted from fighting Tony. I just don’t want to do it anymore. What does that say about me as a sister? Where’s the balance? I know Addie is not there anymore. Why do I hold so tightly to her body?
“What the fuck are you doing?” Graham’s ire pulls me out of my running trance with such a surprise that I become aware that my legs feel like rubber. His hand hits the controls to stop the treadmill when he catches me from face-planting.
“Breathe through it,” Graham says, still holding me as the shock of going from a full-speed run to a complete stop controls my body. He sets me on the treadmill once the running mat comes to a stop and he’s sure I have my footing.
“What are you doing?” I can tell he’s upset.
“I was running.”
“At 3:30 in the morning? You’ve been running that pace for almost two hours. Do you know how hard that is on your body, Emelia?”
I look at the dashboard. I’ve been running about a five-and-a-half-minute mile for the last couple hours. Something I’ve never been able to do. Ever.
“I didn’t realize I was running at that pace.” Graham hits a button to stop the music. With his hand still on my elbow, he makes a face when he sees me pick up a still-full water bottle. I take a long drink as we head back to the bedroom.
“Sit.” He points to the bench at the end of the bed. “Drink,” he commands as my rear hits the cushion. I take long, slow gulps to finish off the bottle. My breathing has finally slowed to a normal pace.
I go to the shower to stretch and rinse off. Graham is waiting for me when I get in bed beside him.
“I’m sorry if I woke you up,” I say, shimming my ass up against his pelvis.
“Why didn’t you wake me?”
“Because you were asleep.”
“What’s bothering you?”
“Nothing, baby. I just couldn’t sleep.” I can sense he has more to say, but thankfully he lets it go and wraps his arms around me as I finally drift off to sleep.
“Next time you’ll remember the dry cleaning goes in the closet. Not across the bed.” My arms are shaking. Tony circles me slowly. He stops in front of me.
“I just don’t understand why you would put $15 worth of dry cleaning where it will get wrinkled. I know you’re not smart, but even idiots know you hang up the dry cleaning. You have $16.35 in your piggy bank. I am taking $15 out to cover the cost of the dry cleaning you ruined.” He paces back and forth in front of me and adds another book to my hands.
“You know, Emme, Laura is always saying how you are just like your father. You know he didn’t want you, right? He chose to die because he knew even as a baby that you were pathetic. I am here every day being your father and this is how you repay me?” He makes a ‘tsk’ sound. “So selfish. All you care about is yourself. You will never make it. You aren’t good enough.”
Another book added.
My arms start to lower. I’ve been standing like this for over twenty minutes. I pick one thing in the room to focus on and try to find my zone. I can do this. I can handle this. My arms start to spasm. From behind me I feel his breath on my ear.
“If you can’t handle your punishment, I can get Addie to take it for you. Is that what you want? Look at me when I’m talking to you. You have no respect. Why would I expect you to? You have no value. What are you bringing to this family? You can’t even hang up the dry cleaning.”
My arms are really shaking now. It’s been more than thirty minutes and there are now six books in the stack. If I can just hang on a few more minutes, he’ll give up and leave. I focus on my spot. Focus through the pain. Control, Emme. Stay in control. The sound of the books hitting the hardwood floor lets me know that my arms have given way.
“Thirty-four minutes.” He looks at his watch. “I told you thirty-five. You don’t even love your sister enough to hold out one more minute…60 measly little seconds. I know you do that on purpose. You hate Addie. You want her to get your punishment. Don’t you? Answer me, Emme.”
“No. Please, Tony. I can do it. I can handle it. Please don’t make Addie do this.”
“I’m going to let you off easy this time. See, this is the kind of father I am. Loving. Giving. You don’t deserve a father like me.”
“No, I don’t.” Only it’s not a meek response. It’s strong and adamant. I know I don’t deserve a father like him. I deserve better.
“Testing your oats are you? You know what happens to smartass children who don’t know their place?”
“We’re back,” Mama yells from the other room.
“I don’t want your mother to know what a selfish bitch she has for a daughter. It would break her heart. Neither of us are going to mention this to her. Break her heart by telling her and I will make sure Addie takes all your punishments from here on out. Understood?”
“Hi Darling!” Mama enters the room.
“Let me pick those up for you honey.” Tony bends to pick up the books I dropped, then kisses me on the head.
“Thank you dear.” Mama kisses him. “Wait till you see the decorations Addie and I picked out for y’alls tenth birthday party. You’re going to love them. Addie even picked based on your favorite color.”
“You’re gorgeous. I don’t deserve you.” He kisses her. She giggles and slaps him playfully on the shoulder.
“You are so sweet. Thanks for picking up the dry cleaning.”
It’s nighttime and I think I hear something. I check on Addie. She’s asleep in her bed across from me… I roll over and go back to sleep.
I can feel his breathing in my ear. His hand over my mouth.
“You scream or say a word and I’ll make sure Addie takes your punishment ten times worse than this.” He stands next to my bed. I’m on my back. I can feel them. They’re crawling on me. All over me. What are they? I can feel them in my hair. On my arms. There’s one on my cheek. My breathing is erratic. It’s dark. I can’t see what they are. His mouth is at my ear again.
“This is what happens to smartass children who think they are in charge. In control. You have no control. If I wanted to do this to Addie, I could. If I wanted to do worse to Addie, I could. You are not in control. Understand?” I can see something in his hand. It looks like a shoebox. He dumps the contents on me. There has to be a hundred of them. He leaves the room and I lie there terrified as they move around me. I’m frozen. I can’t make myself move. They’re running across me. ‘You can do this.’ I tell myself. Stay calm. For Addie’s sake. You can do this. There’s three on my face now. I think I can hear them. I can’t take it anymore. I start to scream…”
“Jesus, Emme! Fuck!” He yells as my fists make contact with his body. “Wake up. Emme, wake up baby.” Graham turns me facedown screaming and thrashing on the bed. His arms cocoon around me, his weight holding me down. The door bursts open, and Smith and Teague enter with their guns drawn.
“She’s okay guys. Go away.” Graham tells them. I’m panting but not getting any air. I pull on my arms, but Graham’s so amped up he’s not aware that I’m trying to free myself.
“Shit, I’m sorry,” he says, pulling me to the edge of the bed and putting my head between my knees. “It was just a dream. Nothing is going to hurt you. I’m here.” He rubs my back. “You okay?” he asks, visibly shaken, as I sit into an upright position.
I concentrate on releasing several long breaths. “I’m okay, baby.” I squeeze his hand and my breathing slowly comes back to normal. I finally see him. He’s in a smart navy suit with no tie. He looks like he was in a fight. “I’m so sorry. Did I hurt you?”
“I’m fine. You can throw a punch though.” He winces when he touches his jaw. “What was that about?” His fingers push the hair out of my face and behind my ear. His eyes filled with concern.
“Just a bad dream. Why are you dressed already?”
“You were up so late, I thought I would let you sleep in a little. I moved your alarm back two hours. I came to leave you a note. What was your dre…?”
“You need to change, Graham. You’re a mess. I can be ready in ten minutes. I’d like to ride with you this morning.”
His eyes probe mine trying to decide if he should push me or not.
“Alright,” he concedes.
I’m out of the shower by the time he’s changed. I throw on some mascara and lip gloss. I leave my hair loose and dirty. A little wild for the office, but it’ll do. Three more minutes and I’m out front ready to go. The fall air has arrived. I’ve chosen a classic navy dress that falls with a slight flare above the knees. I’ve paired it with thigh-high navy suede boots. It’s conservative with an edge. My Jackie-O sunglasses shield my eyes. I’m grateful that Teague and Smith don’t say anything when I make it to the car. Trying to regroup, I go over my calendar for the day.
“Today is Reggie’s first day with your team,” I remind Graham.
“I’m aware. What’s on your agenda? We need to talk about getting you an assistant. You’re going to need someone to help you juggle things. You have a lot of irons in the fire.” Absently he runs his thumb over the skin that’s making an appearance between my dress and my boots.
“I can manage. I have a meeting with two of the mentor companies this morning. Then lunch with Richard Raines. Then I have a two o’clock with Blaine Moore. Then I finish…”
“Blaine Moore?” Graham bristles.
“Yes, baby. He’s still my client. He’s getting ready to go on a media tour in Europe, so I have to meet with him today. Henry and Joy, aka Teague’s lover, will be there for the meeting too.”
“Boss,” Teague says through gritted teeth.
“Emelia,” Graham reprimands me with his voice while a smile settles on his lips. “Teague will drive you to your meetings.”
“Subway is faster. I’ll take Teague of course.”
“You’re not taking the subway in those heels. Teague will take you. Also, as of today you will have a second security guard. His name is Myles. He will be your driver. That way he can drop you while Teague escorts you. Understand?”
“I’m not…”
“Emelia.” He raises an eyebrow at me, challenging me to respond. We pull up to the curb outside the office granting me a reprieve from his lecture. Teague holds open my door and Graham and I walk hand-in-hand to the elevator.
“Where’s your ring?” he asks me.
“I left it at home. I don’t want word getting out about the engagement until after we announce we’re married. Which reminds me. I have a nine o’clock with the VP from your media team. I want to make sure we are ahead of the story when it breaks.”
“Tell George to make sure I’m scheduled for that meeting.”
“Already done. I emailed him yesterday,” I tell him as the doors open on the forty-second floor. Graham walks me to my office.
“Kyle?” I’m surprised to see him. I hug him before he reaches to shake Graham’s hand. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah. I just wanted to tell you the results from Addie’s function test from your visit the other day. No change.”
“You didn’t have to make a special trip to tell me, but thank you. Honestly, I wasn’t expecting anything different.” Graham places his hand on the small of my back.
“I’m sorry, James. There’s some other tests coming soon if you want to discuss them?”
“Do you think anything would come from them?
“There’s always hope.” He gives me a timid smile.
“Kyle.”
“No.” I can tell he’s not certain about being this honest with me. “No. I don’t think it will change the outcome. I wish I had better news.” I’ve grown use to the same results from each visit. No brain activity.
“Thank you.” I hug him. “I’ll talk to Harry and let you know what we’re thinking. Do you have time for breakfast?”
“I wish I did, but I have to get to the hospital.” He looks to Graham. “She’s got a hook man. I would remember that.” Graham looks confused. “The bruise on your jaw.”
He points to the faint bruise on the corner of Graham’s jaw. Probably not even noticeable to the average person.
“I learned the hard way not to wake her from a nightmare,” Graham says, running his hand over the spot in question.
“Is this your first time coming back from Memphis since you two have been together?” Kyle asks me surprised.
“My schedule is off from missing the last trip. Better get going so you’re not late.”
“What does Memphis have to do with her nightmare?” Graham keeps his eyes on Kyle.
“James has them whenever she gets back from her visits.”
I tap my watch attempting to send him on his way.
“Right.” He finally catches on. “I need to go. See you Saturday.” He kisses me on the forehead. “You won the lottery with this one. Don’t fuck it up.” He shakes Graham’s hand one more time.
“I know, and I don’t intend to.” Graham accepts the comment in good spirits.
“Emelia
.” Graham’s tone is soft. Non-confrontational.
“We have a long day, so let’s get started.” I give him my best smile. He graciously lets go of the topic and kisses me before leaving to start his day.
“Is he in?” I ask George.
“No ma’am. He’s at a meeting across town.”
“Are you expecting him back?”
“He didn’t say. Is there something I can do for you?”
“No, thank you. I’ll send him a text. Have a good night, George. Don’t stay too late.” I make my way to the elevator. Teague is waiting for me.
“Where to?” he asks.
“Home.” I push the button for the regular elevators. “Are you enjoying being my security?”
“What?”
“How was your day? Do you like what you’re doing? Are you glad you said yes to Smith?”
“I love what I’m doing. It’s what I was made to do. I have a purpose. What’s not to like?” he says genuinely.
“Well. You had a lot of waiting around today. That couldn’t have been fun.”
“Ninety-nine percent of security is waiting. Watching. Preparing. It’s mental. I like it. A lot.”
“Just checking.” I smile as we enter the elevator. “I don’t want you to feel trapped into it because of my schedule.”
“I’m not, Emme. I’m my own person. If I didn’t want something to be a certain way, I would change it. That’s not on you. I know you think it is, but you are not responsible for everyone’s happiness.” The elevator opens and a group gets on, moving us toward the back. He positions me in the corner behind him. I wait as we ride down the remaining floors. I notice Teague has his eye on a red-headed woman on the opposite side of the elevator. I’m about to lean up and remind him of my friend Joy, but I realize he’s not looking at her for that reason. He’s watching her, because she is watching me. As people empty out of the elevator, she holds the door for us to exit, her eyes looking me over from head to toe. Something about her look causes my back to stiffen.
“After you,” she says to us.
“Thanks. You first,” Teague responds. It’s a directive, not a courtesy. She shrugs and exits, clearly pissed off. Teague holds his hand in front of the elevator doors until I exit. I notice he has positioned me closer and slightly in front of him. He opens the back door, and I slide in. Once he’s taken the front passenger seat, I notice she is watching us behind one of the pillars of the building.
