Kathy sighed. Her body was fine. Her mind was really screwed up. The things they had done to her and made her do made her so ashamed. The doctors had made her see that it wasn’t her fault, she had understood that but still, she had been a man’s toy, his plaything, to be shared with any man he wanted, to be used as he saw fit. She was horrified at the things she remembered and was sure that if Alice knew she would not want to touch her. It was probably why she hadn’t really touched her in the months she had been back. Dr. Lambert had helped her a lot and now that she was gone she thought about the journal that the Doctor had suggested she keep, to help her remember the things she would rather forget. She hadn’t written a thing in it but she wanted to talk to someone other than doctors, other than agents who wanted to know names, places, and deeds that she had been involved in. Their curiosity had caused more fear than the men who had used and abused her. Kathy sighed again, could she confide in Alice? She should be able to; she was her wife after all, had been her best friend. So had Bonnie but she realized now that Bonnie had set her up. That betrayal hurt. She instinctively knew though that Alice would never betray her, she just couldn’t bring herself to talk to her and get past the wall between them.
Slowly Kathy removed the bikini and threw it into the hamper, the housekeeper kept their clothes clean and she had been surprised at the dozens of bikinis waiting for her here when they had moved here months ago. Alice had insisted on the getaway for the whole family, they needed a break, from the FBI, from the reporters, from the unending questions and she had brought along Dr. Lambert and a couple of nurses periodically to help Kathy. Kathy knew she had a long way to go yet before she was ‘healed’ but she knew when Dr. Lambert kept subtly suggesting she move back to Los Angeles with the kids and without a word about Alice she knew that this doctor she had outgrown.
Looking in the mirror at the tell-tale bikini lines she thoughtfully ran her hands down her body, it was hers, not his, not anyone’s but her own body! She owned herself! She turned on the shower to wash the last of the sea-salt from her body, she had showered on the beach but there were lotions and shampoo she used in the house that weren’t in the outdoor shower. She felt a lot better when she got out and began to towel dry her hair. She brushed it back and clipped it out of her face. The men had loved grabbing her hair and forcing her to their will…she put the thought out of her mind firmly and left the bathroom in her robe, covering her body.
Quietly so as not to wake Alice who was sleeping soundly on the right side of the bed, Kathy went to the dresser and removed her night things and changed, unaware that Alice could see her clearly in the reflection of the mirror over another dresser. She hung up her robe on the back of the bathroom door and then turning out the light she slipped into bed with Alice.
This was a repeat of many nights they had shared the same bed. Alice had refused the good Doctor’s suggestion that they take separate bedrooms. In Los Angeles this would have been easier but here on the island there really was a lack of spare bedrooms. She made no passes at Kathy; she waited for her to initiate any contact. What Kathy didn’t realize is how many nights she had nightmares and ended up in Alice’s welcoming arms. All she did realize is occasionally she woke up with her arms around Alice and discretely pulled away, not wishing to force herself on Alice who slept unknowingly, or so she thought.
It took about a week after Dr. Lambert had left that Kathy could no longer stand the polite and stilted conversations between them. She craved the easy conversations they had shared over the years. She needed adult conversation, she needed to confide in someone and she missed her therapy sessions that had continued over the months since she had been released from captivity.
She found herself unable or unwilling to tell the many things she wanted and needed to share with someone, so she began to write in her journal. Sheer loneliness had her grabbing her pen. At first she didn’t know how to write it but it soon became apparent she was writing a ‘Dear Alice’ letter. Each page, each chapter, was a new ‘story’ or a new ‘feeling’ of what she had gone through. In the weeks that followed as she helped her children with their homework, she found herself writing madly in the journal as she exorcised her nightmare from her mind. She was finally able to begin to sleep at night. Her nightmares began to lessen. Alice watched and wondered but she saw her writing and often thought about invading her wife’s privacy and then decided to wait once again for her wife to decide if she wished to share, someday perhaps.
Kathy watched as Alice played with the children. There was an ease there she hadn’t remembered before. It was natural, it was playful, it was not the Alice she had known. A lot had changed while she had been gone. Not only physically gone but mentally as well. She was amazed to see this side of Alice. It made her more attractive if that were possible as she laughed and played with children, splashing water at them, scooping up the younger ones, even hugging Kit. It spoke how close they all were. Kathy wasn’t jealous; she didn’t feel left out, not completely. The children acted like that with her as well. But Alice and she never played with the children together and she wondered at that. She wasn’t sure how to reach out anymore, she felt…awkward, she felt…dirty, she felt…ashamed. What if she tried and Alice rejected her?
Alice was becoming stir crazy, there was another trip she wanted to make and this one she would be gone longer than before and didn’t know how to mention it to Kathy. Their communication skills had been lacking a bit since she had come home, they were icily polite to each other and spoke superficially, but nothing of consequence was shared between them.
Alice knew the time was coming though that she would miss her opportunity as some of her targets might go missing or hide as it became apparent that several had ended up dead or mysteriously disappeared. They had a network that Alice hadn’t uncovered, not yet. She worked determinately towards that goal; she wanted to crack their ‘code.’ She wanted to finish what she had started, she hungered for it, somehow it would solve all her problems, maybe make her closer to Kathy. She knew though that nothing would bring the Kathy she had known back. Only time and patience might help them achieve the closeness they had once had. She hungered for that, she missed that, she wanted Kathy not only physically but mentally as well, she missed talking to her, and she missed making love to her. Her patience after these many months was wearing thin.
“Nan, could you watch the children this afternoon?” she asked their nanny who immediately agreed. Most of instructions she received came from Alice these days and had been for a very long time but she certainly acknowledged Kathy and her right to give her them.
“Alice, could we take a hike?” Kathy bravely ventured at lunch.
The children immediately clamored to go along.
“No, you didn’t finish your schoolwork,” Kathy said sternly, she knew they hadn’t, she had made sure they had enough that there was no way they could finish it.
“I’m done with mine,” Kit smirked.
“What about that report that’s due next week?” Kathy asked knowing their schedules and workloads intimately as she worked with the school to keep them up with their classes so far away over the long months they had been here.
Kit wilted, she knew if she procrastinated she would have to pull an all-nighter at the last minute and Kathy and Alice both agreed that to do her very best she must start it as soon as possible.
The children subsided with a few more protests but as the hike was unprecedented they weren’t the only ones surprised at Kathy’s request.
Alice nodded in agreement but was curious as to what this might mean, what this could mean and then suppressed any hope; it might just mean a hike, nothing else. She had taken Kathy on a tour of the island when they arrived, the children had shown her all over it, but it had taken Kathy a long time to feel safe enough to venture out with the children and never alone with Alice.
“Was there anything in particular you wanted to see?” Alice asked as they walked companionably along, not holding hands as in t
imes of old but close enough that their shoulders or hands brushed occasionally. They both watched as the dog ran ahead of them smelling out things she thought she should smell. There had been no arguing with the dog about coming along on this hike as there had been with the children.
“No, not really, just thought getting away from the children a while might do us both good,” Kathy answered unsure of what to say really as she pushed a frond from a palm that had grown across the path out of their way. Even she didn’t know how she had been brave enough to make this plan.
“Well, let’s just follow the paths then and see what we can see,” Alice responded, herself unsure of what to say to her wife. This was the first time she had initiated any alone time between them. She didn’t want to look into it too much or expect too much from it, she was just going to enjoy it.
They came out on the far side of the island. It wasn’t as ‘friendly’ as where their home was built. The sands weren’t as inviting or kid friendly, the beaches were all down too far from varying heights of cliff’s if there even were any beaches among the rocks. They made their way down the one that had steps cut in the rocks as they followed the dog who kept looking back to be sure they were following. Her tail wagged like a flag, happy to have ‘her’ humans along for this unexpected hike.
Looking out over the ocean, this side unprotected by their reef or cove Kathy was amazed that others didn’t live in this paradise but then she remembered, Alice owned the entire island. It wasn’t overly large but the kids could get lost on it and had to be watched. They had been all over it on hikes with Alice although Kathy hadn’t gone along on many of these nature trips.
They sat on the sand, took off their sandals and buried their toes in the sand, and looked out over the water, saying nothing, watching the dog who had decided to hunt for crabs in the rocks and from the barking was being thwarted in the hunt. The waves weren’t too high yet and those that hit the rocks only splashed up over them.
Kathy sighed and squared her shoulders. Glancing at Alice out of the corner of her eye she commented, “God it’s beautiful here.”
Alice was looking directly at Kathy when she answered with a nod, “Yes, beautiful.”
Kathy was startled and looked away quickly. She wasn’t used to compliments. While they hadn’t had a lot of conversations directly she wasn’t used to being alone with Alice or talking directly to her but she felt she had to try. She had found she missed Alice, she had thought about her so many times, concentrated on what they had had, prayed that she would see her one more time before they killed her.
Alice could sense Kathy’s unease but she wasn’t going to make it easy for her. Perhaps that was part of their problem; she had made it too easy for her for too long. The doctor’s, the lack of pressure, the waiting for her…maybe she needed to apply a little pressure to see if Kathy wanted to resume their marriage. What they had now was barely roommates, roommates with children. How many times had she hoped that Kathy would have a nightmare so that she would end up in Alice’s arms, how many times had she hoped that from the nightmare that Kathy would turn to her and kiss her?
Kathy was feeling uncomfortable. Having asked for this time alone she had no idea how to proceed with a ‘normal’ conversation with Alice much less anything more. After all this time she was out of practice and her own mind wasn’t able to cope with ‘normal.’
“Do you love me?” Kathy asked out of the blue.
“Do I LOVE you?” Alice parroted incredulously in return. And then she thought about the question. Did she love Kathy? After all the grief, all that had transpired, did she love Kathy or was she just territorial about something that was hers, had been hers alone, and was suddenly taken from her, like a possession. She looked at Kathy, straight into her eyes as all this briefly flashed through her head. Something about the warmth of those eyes made her knees go to jelly, something about this woman made her want to kill everyone who had ever known her intimately, especially without her consent. Something about Kathy soothed the savage beast within, something that she had kept at bay for a very long time but had allowed out to play in revenge for what they had done to her wife, her lover, her life. So in answer to that simple question she answered quietly, “Yes Kathy, I love you more than life itself.”
“Why, why do you love me?” Kathy persisted, never even aware of the seconds ticking by in Alice’s over active brain over the conundrum she had presented.
Alice didn’t need to think too hard on that one, “You complete me.” Here she did hesitate for a second before continuing, she never broke eye contact, “When you were gone, I felt lost and alone. I never felt complete. Finding out you were alive, I had to get to you as soon as possible.” She didn’t let on that the ‘first’ time they had seen each other was not exactly in the hospital.
Kathy felt better, Alice still loved her, despite what had happened to her, what they had done to her spirit, to her body, and to her mind, and Alice still loved her. But did she want her? She knew she had to stop questioning things but her brain wouldn’t stop. She needed to know answers, she needed peace, she needed closure at some point, and something the doctors said she would have to ‘adjust’ to. At some point she would have to come to grips with the fact that the justice system would have to take care of things that she desperately wanted to take care of herself. They had destroyed her life; they had taken her away from her children, from her wife, the one person who had always made her feel safe. She looked at Alice and fell into her arms as she started to sob, as she started to heal in ways the doctors couldn’t reach. This one person, Alice, was her soul mate, she was certain of that. “I’m sorry,” she sobbed almost incoherently. “I’m sorry for everything.”
“Baby, shhh, baby it’s not your fault,” Alice stroked Kathy’s hair, for once she wasn’t the stiff woman people saw her as, for Kathy she could be relaxed, for Kathy she could unwind and be human again. Was this what being human was all about? Holding another woman, one you loved, that you admired, that you wanted desperately? At some point they began to kiss and Alice realized how much she had wanted Kathy for far too long, Kathy’s kisses were almost desperate, needy, an imprinting and taking at the same time. Alice let her ‘use’ her body to take control of the situation, to let her expunge some of her memories, some of the control she had lost over her experiences. She gladly gave herself up to Kathy as she took what she wanted, almost violently and then seeing it was Alice just as gladly gave of herself.
There was near violence in Kathy’s taking of Alice. Alice let her do whatever she wanted, returning caress for caress but not with the biter edge that she sensed in Kathy’s fingers, her body was coiled to pull back at a moment’s notice at the first sign of rejection but Alice let her have her way with her body, letting her use it for whatever she wanted, she hungered for Kathy and if this near violence was what she wanted, needed, then Alice would be the willing victim. Kathy nearly ripped Alice’s bikini top and shorts from her body and plunged her fingers inside hurting Alice, but Alice never indicated her pain allowing Kathy to expunge the devils driving her right now. Her body responded to Kathy’s invasion welcoming the feel of her naked body against it and releasing heat and moisture as necessary. When Alice gently returned the favor Kathy nearly cried as she pulled at Alice again, she needed it rough, she needed it fast, and she needed it now it had been so long. Alice was afraid to hurt Kathy but she was more afraid that Kathy would ask her to stop and she gave her what she needed, what she insisted on as she made love to her. The violence wasn’t in her caresses, in her loving, in her mouth as she brought Kathy to her peak.
Afterwards, they found themselves lying there breathing hard and Kathy was curled into Alice’s side, feeling safe, feeling protected, and feeling a whole lot better than she ever had in a doctor’s office. She said quietly, “I needed that.” She felt odd though, it wasn’t ‘complete.’ It was still missing something, it was still ‘not right.’ She questioned everything. She should be joyous, she felt physically
good, but she also wanted to cry.
Alice had needed it as well; she had hungered for Kathy but knew that she had to be patient. Indefinitely patient. The doctors had all said it might be years before Kathy felt any kind of ‘normal,’ that it might be years, if ever, that she might even try living. It had to come from Kathy; it had to be her decision, her time. She was grateful she had found it in herself to wait for this woman. She was grateful they had come to this point in time and while it had been quick, it had been violent in it’s give and take, it had been fulfilling to finally make love, expunge the passion that was between them. That was still between them, but there was still something that wasn’t quite…right. She wondered if it every would be.
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