‘Aha, so that was the bribe!’
‘Yes, sir, that was the bribe, and it was a bribe-taker who paid me it! (And I mean to say, it wasn’t a crime – far from it!) Well, now I shall begin the sequel to my tale: he had dragged me, if you will remember, into the tea-parlour, more dead than alive; they greeted me: they all seemed offended, that’s to say, not so much offended as… thoroughly vexed and irritated, to such a degree that they were simply… well, desperate, completely desperate, yet all the while their faces shone with a look of such irreproachable dignity, their eyes had such a sedate, sober expression, in which there was something fatherly, familial… the prodigal son had returned to them – that was what it all amounted to! They offered me a place at their tea table, but they might as well not have bothered: I felt as though I had a samovar boiling and bubbling inside me, while my feet were like ice – I felt small, I was terrified! He was only a court councillor (he’s a collegiate assessor now), yet his wife, Marya Fom-inishna, began to address me by the familiar’thou’ form right from the word go: “How thin you’ve grown, uncle,” she said. “Yes, I’ve been indisposed, Marya Fominishna,” I replied… My wretched little voice was trembling! And then, for no apparent reason atall – shemust have been waiting to get her own back, the venomous creature – she said: “Your conscience has evidently been troubling you, Osip Mikhailich, dear man! Our family hospitality has cried aloud in your face! I have shed tears of blood because of you!” I swear to you she actually had the nerve to use those very words! Oh, but that was nothing to her – she was a real battleaxe. She just sat there pouring tea. “If you were at the market, my dear, I bet you’d shout down all the peasant women there,” I thought. That’s the sort of woman she was, our court councillor’s wife! And then, to my misfortune, Marya Fedoseyevna, her daughter, came in with all her innocent ways, a little pale, her eyes reddened as though from tears – and like a fool I went to perdition, right there and then. It later transpired, however, that she had been shedding her tears over the remount officer: he had beetled off home, and had well and truly shown a clean pair of heels, because, you see (it’s necessary to mention it now), it had come to the point when he had to part company, his time had run out; not that he’d had an officially appointed forage term, no, it was simply that… when the fond parents later discovered what had been going on and became acquainted with all the couple’s cherished secrets, there wasn’t much they could do about it – they hushed the disaster up: an addition to their family!… Well, it was no good, no sooner had I glanced at her, than I went to perdition, quite simply went to perdition; I took a sideways look at my hat, thought of snatching it up and beetling off at the double; it was not to be – they’d made off with my hat… I even thought of going without my hat – but they’d latched the door, and there ensued friendly little bursts of laughter, winking and flirting; I grew flustered and talked some rot or other, held forth on the subject of amour, she, my little dove, sat down at the clavichord and, in offended tones, sang the song about the hussar who leaned on his sabre* – that was the end of me!“Well,” said Fedosei Nikolaich, “it’s all forgotten, come come… into my arms!” Instantly, without further ado, I pressed my face against his waistcoat, just as I was. “My benefactor, you are like a father to me,” I said. And what burning tears I shed! Lord God, what a hubbub there arose then! He wept, his good woman wept, Mashenka wept… There was a little blonde girl there, and she wept, too… Not only that – the little infants came crawling out from every corner (the Lord had blessed his house!), and they bawled, too… there were that many tears, all this joy and tender emotion was because they had got their prodigal son back, it was as if a soldier were returning to his motherland! At that point refreshments were served, and a game of forfeits began: “Oh, it hurts!” “What does?” “My heart.” For whom? She blushed, the little dove! The old man and I had some punch… Well, they completely wore me out with all their treats and enjoyments… I went home to grandmother. My head was in a spin; all the way there I kept laughing to myself, and when I got there I spent two good hours pacing up and down the little room. I woke the old woman up and told her all about my good fortune. “And did he give you any money, the brigand?” “Yes, he did, grandmother, he did, he did, my dear relative – fortune has smiled on us and showered us with plenty!” “Well, all you need to do now is marry her, then; go on, while you’re at it, marry her,” the old woman said to me. “At last my prayers have been answered.” I woke up Sofron. “Sofron,” I said, “take my boots off for me.” Sofron pulled my boots off. “Well, Sofrosha! Now congratulate me, embrace me! I’m getting married, old chap, it’s as simple as that, I’m getting married! You can drink yourself senseless tomorrow, you can blow your head off, I tell you: your master’s getting married!” Oh, it was laughter and games all round!… I was almost on the point of falling asleep when something made me get up again. I sat and thought; suddenly a realization flashed through my head: tomorrow was the first of April, a day for fun and skylarking, so how about it? And I conceived a plan! Why, sirs, I got up from my bed, lit a candle, sat down at the writing desk attired just as I was, in other words I let myself go completely, and got carried away – you know what it’s like, gentlemen, when a man gets carried away! My dear fellows, I waded into the mire until it covered my head! That’s to say, it goes something like this: they take something away from you, and you give them something else, as well: it’s as if you were to say: “Here you are, take that, too!” They smite you on the right cheek, and you turn the other to them for good measure. Then they begin to entice you like a dog with a doughnut, and you paw them with your stupid paws and slobber over them with all your heart and soul! I mean, I’m doing it now, gentlemen! You’re laughing and whispering to one another, do you think I don’t see? Later on, when I’ve told you all my cherished secrets, you’ll begin to hold me up to ridicule, you’ll tell me to clear off, yet I’ll go on talking and talking and talking! Well, who was it asked me to talk? The very same people who’ll tell me to clear off! The very same people who are leaning over my shoulder, whispering, “Go on, talk, talk, tell us all about it!” And so I talk, I tell you all about it, I worm myself into your confidence as though you were all my own dear brothers, my bosom friends… A-ach!…’
The roar of laughter which had gradually begun to build up on all sides ended by completely drowning the voice of the narrator, who had worked himself up into a state of genuine ecstasy; he stopped talking, let his eyes pass over the company for a few moments, and then suddenly, as though he had been carried away by some whirlwind, waved a hand in the air and burst out laughing as though he really found his situation a comical one, and once again launched into his narrative:
‘That night I hardly slept a wink, gentlemen; I spent the whole of it putting a document together; you see, I’d thought up a practical joke! Ach, gentlemen, I’m ashamed even to remember it! It wouldn’t have been so bad if it had just been some idea I’d conceived during the night: well, if I’d been drunk, gone astray, concocted a lot of nonsense, written some rot – but no! I woke up at the crack of dawn next morning, having only slept an hour or two, and carried on with the same plan! I washed and dressed, I curled and pomaded my hair, I put on my new dress jacket and went straight to Fedosei Nikolaich’s house for the holiday festivities with the document tucked inside my hat. He welcomed me with open arms, and again summoned me to his parental waistcoat. I assumed a dignified air, for last night’s thoughts were still bubbling in my brain! I took a step backwards. “No, Fedosei Nikolaich,” I said, “but please be so good as to read this document” – and I gave it to him as a petition; and do you know what was in the petition? It said, “For such-and-such and such-and-such reasons Osip Mikhailich requests to be discharged,” and underneath this I’d scribbled the entire description of my rank! That was what I’d thought up, you see, Lord help me! I couldn’t think of anything cleverer than that! It being the first of April, I had decided to pretend, for the sake of a joke, that I still ha
d not got over my sense of injury, that I had had second thoughts during the night, had second thoughts and grown thoroughly morose, and was feeling more insulted than ever, saying, “Here’s something for your ears, my dear benefactors – I don’t want any more to do with either you or your daughter; I pocketed some money yesterday, so I’m provided for, and here’s a petition requesting my discharge. I don’t want to work under a boss like Fedosei Nikolaich! I want to be transferred to another section, and then you’d better watch out, because there I’ll inform on you to the authorities. That was the kind of scoundrel I presented myself as – I’d decided to give them a fright! And a pretty good way of frightening them I’d found! Eh? Don’t you think, gentlemen? In other words, my heart had begun to warm to them since the previous day, so in return I thought I might have a little joke at the family’s expense, and tease the dear parental heart of Fedosei Nikolaich…
‘No sooner had he taken my document and unfolded it than I saw his entire physiognomy undergo a rapid change. “What on earth, Osip Mikhailich?” he said. And I, like an idiot, said: “April fool! Happy holiday to you, Fedosei Nikolaich!” Just like a little boy who has been hiding behind his grandmother’s armchair and then suddenly shouts “Oof!” into her ear at the top of his voice in order to give her a fright. Yes… I feel ashamed even just telling you about it, gentlemen! And, in fact, no! I shan’t tell you!’
‘Oh, go on, what happened next?’
‘Yes, continue the story! Go on,’ voices said on all sides.
“There was a flurry of rumours and gossip, of oh’s and ah’s, dear sirs! They said I was a prankster, a joker, said I’d given them a fright – such extremely sweet things that I even felt embarrassed, stood there in terror wondering how a holy place such as this could ever possibly have come to accommodate a sinner like myself. “Oh, my dear man,” squeaked the councillor’s wife, “you gave me such a fright that my legs are still a-tremble, they can hardly hold me up! I ran across to Masha like a woman half crafcy. “Mashenka,’ I said, ‘what’s to become of us? Look at the sort of man your intended has turned out to be! It’s my fault too, he’s like one of the family, you must forgive an old woman, I made a fool of myself.’ Well, I thought, when he left our house yesterday and arrived home late, perhaps he began to think, perhaps he fancied that we’d made such a fuss of him on purpose, that we were trying to entice him into ourweb – and I nearly passed away at the thought! That’s enough, Mashenka, that’s enough of your winking at me; Osip Mikhailich is no stranger to us and I am your mother, after all – I shan’t make any objections! I haven’t been living in the world for only twenty years, thank the Lord, but a good forty-five…”
‘Well, gentlemen, I almost tumbled in a heap at her feet right there and then! Again a few tears were shed, again there was kissing and embracing. More jokes got under way! Fedosei Nikolaich had in his wisdom also decided to concoct a bit of April foolery! He told us that the Firebird had come flying down carrying a letter in its diamond beak! He also tried to deceive us – what laughter there was! What tender emotion! Pah! It’s humiliating even to tell you about it!
‘Well, my good sirs, that’s more or less the long and the short of it. We spent one day, two days, three days, a week together, and in no time at all I was the perfect fiancé! Why, the rings were ordered, the day was appointed, only they didn’t want to declare the banns in advance, as they were waiting for the government inspector to arrive. So was I, but I’d run out ofpatience – myhappiness depended on that government inspector! Let’s get it over with quickly, I thought. And in the midst of all the bustle and celebrations Fedosei Nikolaich unloaded all the work on to me: I was to draw up the accounts, write the reports, check the ledgers, balance the totals. I went to take a look: everything was in the most terrible state of chaos and desolation, there were snags and tangles everywhere. Well, I thought, I suppose I don’t mind putting myself out for my father-in-law. He’d been taken ill with some complaint or other, and from day to day you could see he was getting worse. Why, I myself was as thin as a matchstick, I couldn’t sleep at nights, I was afraid I’d have a breakdown. But I managed to complete the work magnificently! I helped him out on time! Suddenly a messenger arrived – they’d sent him to me. “Hurry,” he said, “Fedosei Nikolaich is in a bad way!” I went running off at breakneckspeed – whaton earth? I looked, and there was my Fedosei Nikolaich bandaged with a vinegar compress round his head, screwing his face up, moaning and groaning. “Oh! Oh! My dear, good boy,” he said, “if I die, who will look after you, my fledglings?” His wife came in, dragging all their children with her. Mashenka was in tears – well, even I began to snivel a bit!”No,” he said, “God will be merciful, he won’t make you answer for all my transgressions!” Then he told them all to go out of the room and close the door after them, and we were left alone, he and I, face to face with each other. “I have a request to make of you,” he said. “What’s that?” I asked. “Well, dear boy, I’m getting no rest even on my deathbed, I’m completely skint!” “How did that happen?” At that point I blushed scarlet, and lost my tongue. “Well, it’s like this, dear chap: I had to pay some of my own money to the Treasury; it’s not that I grudge anything for the common weal. I wouldn’t even grudge my life for it! Don’t go thinking anything like that! It makes me sad to think that slanderers should have blackened my name to your ears… You were mistaken, and my hair has turned white from grief since that time. The government inspector is practically on top of us and Matveyev is seven thousand rubles short, and I’m responsible… who else? They’ll make me answer for it, dear boy: where was I looking? And how can I get it from Matveyev? He’s had enough already; why should I do the poor wretched fellow in?” “Sainted fathers,” I thought, “there’s a righteous man for you! What a soul!” “The thing is,” he said, “that I don’t want to touch the money that’s been set aside for my daughter’s dowry – that’s a sacred sum! It’s true that I have money of my own, but I’ve lent it all to various people, and how could I get it back all at once?” I flung myself on my knees before him, without further ado. “My benefactor!” I shouted, “I have insulted you, I have greatly offended you, it was slanderers who wrote those reports about you, don’t crush me utterly, take your money back!” He looked at me, and the tears flowed from his eyes. “I expected no less of you, my son. Arise,” he said. “I forgave you then for the sake of my daughter’s tears – now my heart, too, forgives you. You have healed my wounds. I bless you for ever more!” Well, when he blessed me, gentlemen, I scarpered off home at the double and got the money. “Here, father, it’s all here, apart from fifty rubles which I’ve spent!” “Well, never mind, every little counts now; there’s not much time – write up a backdated report, saying you’ve run out of funds and are asking for fifty rubles’ salary in advance. Then I’ll be able to show officially that you were paid that money on account…” Well, gentlemen, what do you suppose I did? Yes, I actually wrote up that report!…’
‘Oh, really… Well, what happened then? How did it all end?’
‘No sooner had I written the report, my dear sirs, than it all ended in the following manner: bright and early the next morning there arrived an envelope with a government seal. I looked – what had I received? A discharge notice! I was told to hand in my work, square my accounts and be off wherever the wind blows!’
‘How could that be?’
“That’s just what I shouted at the top of my voice, gentlemen: “How can this be?” Why, my ears had fairly started to ring. At first I thought it was fairly straightforward – but no: the government inspector had arrived in town. My heart missed a beat!”No, there’s more to it than meets the eye,” I thought. I hurried off to see Fedosei Nikolaich, just as I was. “What’s this?” I said. “What’s what?” he replied. “This discharge notice!” “What discharge notice?” “This one!” “Well, so what if it is a discharge notice?” “But I didn’t ask to be discharged!” “What? You put in an application. You put it in on the first of April.
” (I hadn’t taken my document back!) “Fedosei Nikolaich, do my ears hear correctly, do my eyes deceive me? Is this really you?” “Of course it’s me – who else?” “Good God!” “I’m sorry, sir, I can’t say how sorry I am that you’ve decided to retire from your post so early. A young man needs to work, and you’ve been behaving in rather a light-headed sort of way recently. But as for your testimonial, put your mind at rest: I’ll do the necessary. You’ve always given a very good account of yourself!” “But it was just a joke, Fedosei Nikolaich, I never intended… I only gave you the document for your parental… you know…” “No, I don’t know. What do you mean, it was just a joke, sir? Does one make jokes with that kind of document? If you go on playing jokes like that you’ll end up being sent to Siberia one of these days. But now I must say goodbye, I’ve no time to talk to you; we have the inspector general here, and the demands of duty must come first; it’s all very well for you to sit around kicking your heels, but we have work to do. But I will see that you get a proper testimonial. Oh, there’s one other thing: I’ve just bought Matveyev’s house from him. We shall be moving in in a couple of days’ time, and I hope I shall not have the pleasure of seeing you at our housewarming. A safe journey to you!” I scurried off home as fast as my legs would carry me. “We’re lost, grandmother!” I cried. She began to wail, poor old soul; and then, as we watched, one of Fedosei Nikolaich’s boy-servants came running up with a note and a starling in a cage; out of the kindness of my heart I gave her the starling; the note said “April ist” – that was all. There, gentlemen; what do you think of that?’
Poor Folk and Other Stories Page 33
