Copyright © 2017 Shanora Williams
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Published May 2017
Cover Art and Design by Mayhem Cover Creations
Formatting by Shanoff Formats
Editing by Librum Artis Editorial Services
Trademarks: This book identifies product names and services known to be trademarks, registered trademarks, or service marks of their respective holders. The author acknowledges the trademarked status in this work of fiction. The publication and use of these trademarks is not authorized, associated with, or sponsored by the trademark owners.
Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30
Chapter 31
Chapter 32
Chapter 33
Epilogue
Dedication
To my mother.
Thank you for being strong for all of us.
Go Flex - Post Malone
Unsteady - X Ambassadors
Surprise Yourself - Jack Garratt
By Design - Kid Cudi
Naive - Laura Welsh
Broken Whiskey Glass - Post Malone
Drink You Away - Justin Timberlake
Let’s Hurt Tonight - OneRepublic
Red - Laura Welsh
The Cold - Exitmusic
Drunk - Ed Sheeran
Dark Paradise - Lana Del Rey
Don’t Forget About Me - Cloves
Ho Hey - The Lumineers
Alone/With You - Daughter
Leave - Post Malone
Better Love - Hozier
Prisoner - The Weeknd ft. Ed Sheeran
There is more music, but these songs were the main ones to get my juices flowing for this novel.
CLICK HERE TO LISTEN
SERIES
FIRENINE SERIES
THE BEWARE DUET
VENOM TRILOGY
SWEET PROMISE SERIES
STANDALONES
DOOMSDAY LOVE
TAINTED BLACK
INFINITY
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MARLEY
I didn’t know what the hell I was doing here.
I hadn’t really thought things through.
I was torn, that was for sure, but deep in my aching heart, I knew this had to be done.
Thunder rumbled, pulling me out of a deep, blank stare. I looked toward the square window as rain poured, trickling off the rooftops and dripping down the gutters. It was dark outside—gloomy, ugly, and depressing.
I swung my eyes over to the other visitors. They sat across from their recovering loved ones, trying to keep their faces dry and their chins up. I understood exactly how they felt, and I didn’t even have to know anything about them.
It was hard to witness the pain and sadness. It was hard to accept the truth of the matter—that the recovering one had to be here because he or she wasn’t clean, and you couldn’t do much about it to help but this. Just visit. Just be there, watching them hit bottom before building themselves back up again . . . at least, that’s what you hope they came to do. Improve. Be sober. Live again.
Most people with an addiction wouldn’t. They’d go back to their old ways eventually. I feared Vin was one of those people.
I never thought a time would come when I would give up on him. I never thought he’d push me to my limit or shove me all the way to the brink, yet here I sat.
After hearing the truth, I’d reached the final straw with him. He’d never crossed me, never really wronged me, never truly hurt me—not physically, anyway.
But this was it.
This wasn’t the past.
He wasn’t twenty-four, and I wasn’t twenty-one anymore. We were just kids back then. Three years later and I was finally considering myself a mature adult. I was ready to move on, face the real world, improve and do better, but Vin?
He wasn’t. He was still the same boy I met three years ago.
“I’m doing this for you, Marley. Because I love you. I will do whatever I have to do, as long as you stay with me.”
He wasn’t doing this for me. Turns out he was only doing it for himself, and that shouldn’t have surprised me at all. He was known for being selfish sometimes.
A loud buzzer went off, pulling me out of my tangled web of thoughts, and two heavy brown doors across the room split apart. My grip tightened on the hem of my skirt, waiting, knowing he was coming any second now.
And in he walked, looking more tired than ever. Purplish bags hung beneath his eyes, like he hadn’t slept in weeks. His cropped brown hair was a mess, as if he’d been running his fingers through it ever since he’d checked in. He hadn’t gotten it cut, so it was longer by a few inches, curling around his ears and forehead.
He saw me, and his whiskey eyes lit up, almost instantly. Even his eyes weren’t as bright as they used to be. They were dim in comparison to the ones I used to stare into every night while we lay in his bed, talking about our lives—our future.
He walked to the table I was sitting at, dragging a hand over his face and taking the seat across from me.
“Marlena,” he said in a singsong voice, reaching across the table for my hand. He only called me by my real name to be playful or serious. Right now, he was being playful. I let him touch me, but even his hands weren’t the same. They were icy and rough.
“Vinny,” I murmured, forcing a smile at him. It was the tightest smile I’d ever put on for him, but only because the truth weighed heavy on my chest and lingered on my lips.
“I’m glad you came to visit me,” he said, adding some pep to his voice. “It’s nice to see you.”
“Yeah,” I sighed. “I’m . . . glad too.”
“It’s been a while. Haven’t seen you in about a month.” His eyes roamed me. He looked at me like I was different, and maybe I was. I wasn’t dressed like the old Marley. I wasn’t wearing a snug graphic T-shirt and jeans, or a flashy skin-tight dress from Forever 21.
I wore a white silk blouse and a black pencil skirt, pointed black flats I bought from a thrift store, and eve
n pearl jewelry. Granted, the pearls weren’t real, but it made do.
“You all dressed up for me?” he asked, putting on one of his crooked smiles. That smile—it always pulled at my heartstrings. It always got me into trouble. It was so perfectly imperfect.
“No.” I exhaled, pulling my hand away, hoping he wouldn’t notice. He did because his eyes immediately dropped down, silently questioning the act. “I actually had an interview before coming here.”
“Oh, yeah? What’s the job?” He slowly pulled his hand off the table and met my eyes.
“For a flight attendant.”
His eyebrows shifted up, like he was truly surprised. “Oh.” He paused. “Did you get it? Looks like you put a lot of effort into getting them to notice you. I hope you did.”
I laughed a laugh that burned my chest, lowering my gaze. “I did get it. I’m going to be a flight attendant for Redwire Airlines now. Starting next month.”
“Oh—well, shit, that’s good! I’m happy for you, babe!”
Babe…it just didn’t work anymore.
“So, that’s what you’re here for?” He smirked as he leaned back and folded his arms over his broad chest. “To brag about your new job to me?” He was teasing. He could never take stuff too seriously, but I had a feeling he was only being playful because he could sense something was wrong.
A lot was wrong. Too much, in fact.
“No.” I stopped talking for a moment, avoiding his eyes. This felt like the right time to tell him—the only window of opportunity before I decided to be a wimp and back out of it. “I came because . . . this will probably be my last time coming here,” I told him, voice soft. “I can’t do this anymore, Vinny.”
I dared myself to look up. When I did, his smile had completely vanished, eyes growing slightly wider. That lighthearted demeanor was gone, replaced by a baffled stare. He opened his mouth like he wanted to speak, but then clamped it shut quickly.
“It’s been over two months now,” I continued when he didn’t speak. “I told you I want to do better, and that I would wait for you—”
“Yeah,” he said, almost exasperated, shoving rough fingers through his hair. “What happened to waiting for me, Marley?”
“Vin.” I reached across the table for his hand, surprised when he let me hold it. “Can we just cut the act please? I talked to Zay. We met up at the bar, and he was a little drunk. He told me why you’re really here. He didn’t mean to but . . . I know now. The truth about why you’re here. You didn’t come for me. This was never for me.”
“What?” he scoffed. “I checked into this clinic with you. I came here for you—because I want to be better, too. I want us to be better together. I fucking hate rehab, but I’m here, baby. So we can start over when I’m out and forget about the dumb shit in the past.”
I shook my head, the rims of my eyes burning. Pulling away, I straightened my back, blinking my tears away. “So your mother promising to keep paying for your condo, and also giving you $10,000 in exchange for four months of rehab, doesn’t come into the equation of this at all?”
When his face dropped, I knew I had him then. He was quiet for a long time, but I waited for him to say something—to explain it to me.
“Yes, she offered me ten grand, Marley, but I’m not doing this for the money or to keep my damn condo. I really do want to get better. I have to. I know I’ve fucked up a lot with us but—”
“You made it seem like checking in here was all your idea, Vinny. You made me think for once that you were ready to man up and stop doing all of the wild shit you were doing before.” My throat thickened with emotion. “It wasn’t your idea, though. It was your mother’s. Becks, right? The woman you’re so afraid to introduce me to—much less let me see what she even looks like. I don’t know anything about your family, Vin—nothing, which makes me feel like I don’t know anything about you at all. It’s like you’re scared to open up to me.” His face fell, jaw pulsing now.
I looked him over with a sigh. “I feel like if she never would have offered the money or to keep paying for the condo, you never would have come here—never would have even brought it up to me. I feel like you don’t take me seriously. Not anymore.”
He stared at me with wide, glistening eyes. “Marlena, that’s not true. I—”
“No.” I held up a shaky hand. “You don’t have to explain.” I sucked in a ragged breath, staring down at the scratched tabletop. “Are you ever going to be able to get over this, Vin? Are you ever going to be able to stop for a second and decide to grow up?”
He opened his mouth again, like he had so much to say, but when it closed, defeat settled in. Disappointment swept through my entire body and for the final time, he’d broken my heart.
I felt the cracking—the ache all over. My lips trembled as I searched for words myself, but I honestly had none. This is it, I told myself. I wasn’t going to keep putting myself last for him. If he wanted to keep destroying his life, so be it, but I wasn’t going to stand by and watch it happen.
“I should go.” I picked up my purse and stood. He shot right up with me, stepping around the table to get closer.
“Wait—Marley.” He grabbed my hand and pulled me closer. He was still strong, and I was still so weak for him. I wanted to be stronger than ever before by pulling away and walking right out. I wanted to forget about him and every memory we created, but I couldn’t for the life of me pull away. Not yet.
He wrapped a hand around my waist and when his mouth pressed on mine, his soft, warm lips consuming me, my heart splintered even more.
It was falling in pieces around me now, but only because I knew this would probably be my last time seeing him. Touching him. Smelling him.
Vinny was like a drug to me. I had been addicted to him for so long. He was my escape—a good reason to wake up in the mornings. He was my everything. I breathed him. Dreamed of him. Craved him constantly.
But I realized being addicted to someone like him was toxic. I deserved more than he gave, and at the end of the day, his drinking and smoking would always be more important to him than I was.
And knowing that, I pressed a flat hand to his chest before he could try and steal a taste of me with his tongue, shaking my head. “I have to go,” I said, hard enough for him to understand that I was serious—that I was leaving and never coming back.
I couldn’t keep doing this—spiraling for him. Believe it or not, the days I’d spent without him led me to doing more for myself. I couldn’t rely on him—couldn’t see him everyday—so I found other ways to occupy myself.
I stopped drinking.
Stopped partying.
Stopped smoking.
I got another job.
I left the past right where it belonged—behind me. Vinny was the final stepping-stone I had to take in order to claim my fresh start. I had to leave him behind as well, or else this wouldn’t work. I would have done all of the work for nothing.
“Marley, please,” he begged, eyes watering when I pulled away. “You know I can’t do this shit without you. I need you. You know that.”
I looked away, towards the window where the rain was still pouring, the wind howling. “Help yourself first, Vin, then maybe we can talk.”
He came closer, grabbing my hand and cupping the back of my neck. With his lips feathery light above mine, he said, “I love you, Marlena. Don’t just leave me like this.”
My chest felt like it’d caved in on itself. Chills shot down my spine, my belly twisting up with both desire and reluctance—the heat of temptation and the ice of rejection. My chest was tight, heavy. It hurt so much, all of the emotions combining into one monumental ball inside me.
I had no more words. I couldn’t talk anymore. I didn’t want to say the wrong thing, so saying nothing at all was better. I cupped his right cheek, studied his tired face, and then kissed him on the lips one last time.
“Just let me go, Vinny. Please.”
His grip slacked on me. Let me go. Get better. Do better.
I know you can. That’s what I wanted to say, but I wasn’t even sure if I believed that. Vinny was fucked up. His life seemed easy, but it wasn’t, which made me feel worse for what I did next.
I pulled away, strapped my purse over my shoulder, turned my back to him, and walked to the exit, all without another word.
“Marlena!” he shouted, his voice breaking. “Please!”
I couldn’t look back. Not yet. I didn’t want him to see the guilt swimming in my eyes, or how I could barely contain the anguish. Maybe I was a coward for doing it this way—because he couldn’t chase after me here. He didn’t get the chance to make me change my mind.
I kept going, but when I reached the middle of the hallway outside the visitor’s room, the fiery tears were unleashed. My gut clenched and the remaining pieces of my shattered heart fell. There was nothing left of it then, or so it seemed. I had given it all to him. I had given so much of myself to him.
Something crashed a short distance away and I gasped, looking back. A chair flew across the room next and then security rushed inside. Through the swinging doors, I saw Vinny.
I saw him being slammed down on the table, his hands forced behind his back as they tried to calm him down. He resisted at first, putting up a fight, twisting and jerking, but then his eyes shifted over and he looked out the door, right at me.
He stopped fighting as soon as he caught my eyes, brown connecting with blue, resting his face on the table, a large tear sliding over the crook of his nose.
That was the first time I ever saw Vincent Chambers cry.
It was also when I knew I had broken his heart, just as much as he had broken mine.
VIN
Present – 2½ years after the breakup
There were times when I questioned my purpose. Why did I exist? What the hell was I doing on this earth? I wasn’t good at anything.
Wait.
No.
I take that back. I was good at something, and that was fucking up my life and tainting everything that had ever been good to me.
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