by Gale Borger
"I'll throw everything in the washer to get the chlorine out after you're through. You go ahead and change."
"Right."
Mag and I walked through the door just as Evo turned toward us. We both stopped dead, but Mag recovered first. Always the diplomat, Mag clutched her heart and yelled. "Hoo-Baby. I'll take one six pack to go."
I blushed and said to Evo, "You'll have to excuse her. We only have her on loan from the insane asylum. She has to be back by seven to get her medication."
Evo smiled. "That's okay, Buzz. After the beating my ego took this afternoon, I needed that." He bowed low to both of us, crossing the arm holding the sweats across his middle. "Ladies," he said and exited into the bathroom.
I hit Mag in the arm. "You moron, you embarrassed him, besides, I think you've already had your six pack."
"You would be correct, oh sober one, but them were some mighty fine abs, Buzz. Admit it, all that bronze skin…Whoa baby."
I sighed. "Yes, I have to admit, he is quite beautiful. Put your tongue in your mouth now, Maggot. That's a good girl."
Evo picked that moment to come out of the bathroom. He squeezed by Mag and me and dropped his wet jeans into the laundry tub. "I can wash these later, Fred. Thank you for getting me these clothes. Now, could you please direct me to my room?
That galvanized Fred into action. "Sure I can. Right this way." We clomped through the house as Fred led Evo to a room a couple of doors down from where Sam closed door. She wore a Cheshire cat grin as she drew even with us. She leaned against the doorjamb. "Looking for these, Evo?" She swung a pair of pink lacy underwear from one finger.
"Not particularly, Sam, but if this is an invitation…"
She threw them at Evo, and they landed on his shoulder. "Those are yours, you idiot, not mine!"
"Oops," said Mag.
"Oh, oh." I said.
"What is she talking about?" Fred wondered.
I grabbed my sisters and pulled them backward around the corner by the stairs. "Shh." I poked my head out far enough to see the exchange, and I was jostled from behind as my sisters pushed their way in.
Evo examined the pink lace, but Sam grabbed them back and twirled the panties on her finger. She said, "Come clean, Castillo. These were in with your stuff. They're either left over from your latest conquest, or you are one kinky S.O.B."
Evo drew himself up and looked down his nose at Sam. He took the panties. "They are certainly not mine! Why would you even insinuate that I would, uh, that those things…uh, I don't know…why. There must be some explana–Tony, uh packed my…Oh my God, Tony!"
"Right, blame your poor brother. They were the only underwear in your entire wardrobe."
She realized what she'd said, and drew in a quick breath. Combined with our collective indrawn breaths, it sounded like a wind tunnel in that small hallway. We pulled back until we heard them speak again.
Evo allowed himself a small smile. "So, you rifled through my underwear, eh?" He took a step toward her. She had the good sense not to test him twice in one day and stepped back.
"Uh, no. That is yes. I mean…I helped Fred unpack and they fell out when I grabbed them." He advanced and she retreated. "W-what I mean is I saw them. No, wait. I felt them, uh, I mean, uh, I saw them and I…that is, I thought–"
He backed her into the wall. "You thought I had another woman's underwear in my luggage or that I wore…" He held up the tiny scrap of lace. "These?"
She looked up at him wide-eyed and swallowed. "I…I didn't really think you wore them, I thought–that is, we assumed–"
Another step brought them nose-to-nose. Sam blinked and Evo continued in a silky voice. "Sam, in the first place, these would not even fit over my foot, let alone my, ah, you know."
We snickered from our hiding place, because after the pool incident, we all knew.
"Second, I know this may come as a shock to you, but I do not make it a habit of carrying around my latest conquests' underwear." His body vibrated with suppressed emotion. "I've been in the field so long my last conquest probably has grandchildren by now." He leaned in and said softly, "Do we understand each other?"
She gulped and nodded silently. We let out our breath whoosh out as one. It sounded like someone let loose a giant helium balloon in the hallway. So absorbed were they in each other, the noise didn't even faze them.
Evo snatched the panties out of her hand and crumpled them. "I don't want this underwear to ever be a bone of contention between us. The only woman's underwear I've seen in the last six months is yours, approximately ten minutes ago."
We all sighed and I heard Fred whisper, "Come on, Sam don't mess this up." We leaned forward, totally captivated by the scene playing out in front of us.
Sam touched his forearm and ran her fingers lightly down to his wrist. Evo watched her fingers and didn't move a muscle. His head moved a fraction of an inch closer to her and she tilted her face up. He moved closer still, and she moved her head slightly to the right. We had hold of each other's shirts and we were all prepared for his final move when a hand tapped me on the shoulder.
We all jumped and squeaked, clutching our chests. Tony chuckled at us scattering and falling against the wall, and Mag whispered, "Geez, Tony. You scared the crap out of us."
Unaware of the scene unfolding around the corner, Tony laughed loudly. "Sorry, everyone. What are you guys doing huddled in the hallway?"
Sam and Evo jumped apart as if scalded and watched the scuffle as we tried to control Tony.
"We're watching Evo try to explain his way out of a pair of pink lady's underwear in his luggage." I said. "Now be quiet! You're going to make us miss the best part."
Tony started to laugh in earnest. We shushed him, but he only got louder. "I gotta see this."
We shushed him and pushed him behind us, but he gave a mighty shove forward and stumbled around the corner, sliding down the wall to the floor.
Still laughing, Tony looked up. Evo calmly looked down. "What the hell is so funny, Mr. Sunshine?"
Tony held his sore head and laughed. "You. Her. Them! He pointed to the underwear on the floor.
Evo clenched and unclenched his fists. He grabbed Tony by the front of the shirt and slowly stood him on his feet. "To-ny," he said slowly. "Do you know anything about how the lady's underwear came to be in my luggage?"
Tony laughed harder and slid down the wall, wiping tears from his eyes. Mag and I got the joke and we began to laugh as well. Evo dragged him up to his feet again. Still laughing helplessly, Tony held up his hands and Sam grabbed Evo's arm. "No, don't hit him!"
Evo didn't not loosen the grip he had on his brother. "I'm not going to hurt him–yet. I'll wait until his head heals, then I'll kill him. It seems as though my little brother pulled a little joke on me after I told him to stay out of my underwear drawer, isn't that right, Tony?"
"Hah. Uh, my big brother is a little anal–hah--about his underwear drawer. I packed for him because he was in the field, and decided to get back at him for giving me grief about packing his stupid underwear. So I went to the mall and bought…I bought..." He sniffed and wiped his eyes. "Those!" He collapsed in gales of laughter.
Evo got right in Tony's face. "Tony, remind me to kill you later."
Tony grinned like an idiot and gave him the thumbs up. "You got it, Bro, it'll be worth it."
Evo lowered Tony to his feet and propped him against the wall. Tony slid toward the floor again and Fred and Sam leaped forward to each grab an arm. While they fussed with Tony, Evo stared at Sam in silence. He opened the door to his room and stopped. We all stared dumbly as a red-faced Evo again started forward, then hesitated and looked as if he wanted to say something to Sam. He looked at the rest of us and decided against it. Sam froze and stared at him, letting go of Tony in the process. Fred stared at Sam and let go of the other arm.
Sam reached out to Evo and said, "Evo, I'm sor–" and he shut the door on all of us. Sam looked at the floor and bit her lip.
Tony slid to the f
loor holding his head, still guffawing like a jackass. Then he said something none of could understand. "Round three goes to me."
I whacked him with the pink panties.
11
With everyone dry and tucked into gender-correct underwear, life was much easier to deal with in the Fred Miller household. Luis and Alfredo packed the sample fish into Evo's truck, and the whole group of us headed out to Ian's new place. I was thankful that Fred had the foresight to send our favorite local forensic botanist samples of the dead fish so he could begin analysis before we arrived. He'd set up shop here after moving out of Milwaukee.
Dr. Ian Connor recently bought the land bordering my folk's farm and turned part of it into a forensic botany lab. He still worked for the FBI, but now he worked out of White Bass Lake instead of Milwaukee and Madison. In return for federal funding, he also did contract work for the State Crime Lab and the FBI. Sweet deal. Ian was currently in the process of transforming it into his dream. The lab was close to being finished, and one could certainly tell that plants were his passion.
As we turned into the driveway, I noticed Ian had finally gotten rid of the old Graff's Garden Center sign out front. What Ian planned to do with the rest of the place was cause for great speculation down at Sal's diner. I explained to Evo and Sam that "Geriatric Gossip Central" speculated that Ian was planning everything from a strip club to a Wal-Mart. Mom had asked about open auditions, and the guys down at the Moose Club wanted to book early for a Spring convention. Mag contended Ian planned to open a home for wayward plants, but Mag is an idiot.
Mom called on our way over. She told me Mary had completely gone around the bend; she needed somewhere to practice. Alright, I admit I bit. I asked what on earth Mary could be practicing, and Mom said she was practicing her pole dancing audition routine for Ian's new strip club, but Mary didn't have a pole. Mom was afraid of what Mary might do. At that, I had to turn my cell phone on speaker.
"Go on, Mom. Tell me the whole story."
Mom explained, "Mary wanted to practice on a real pole before competing with the younger crowd. She hopes to be hired as one of Ian's new girls at the strip club. I told her to use the flagpole out in front of the Sheriff's office, thinking maybe she'd get arrested for indecent exposure or excessive wrinkling or something."
"Calm down, Mom. Ian is definitely not building a strip club."
"That's what we keep telling Mary, but she remains hopeful. What do we do in the meantime?"
"Lock her up, Mom."
"Someone ought to."
We neared Ian's place. "Gotta go, Mom, I'll talk to you later. Good luck."
"What should we do about Mary?"
"Take away her boom-box."
"Easier said than done, Buzz."
"I have faith in you, Mom. Between you, Joy, and Jane, you'll figure out something. Gotta go, we're pulling in. I love you."
"Me too, honey. Give J.J. a hug for me."
"Motherrr…"
"I too, remain hopeful about some things. See you later, Buzz." She hung up before I could yell at her.
I let out an exasperated sigh and Fred said, "Matchmaking Mom again?"
"Yeah, Air Ger is at it again."
Fred sighed. "Mothers on matrimonial missions are the best reasons for voice mail."
I raised a brow. "You got that right."
We drove around to the newly renovated building which held Ian's lab, and I was surprised at the heavy steel door with some sort of sooper-dooper locking mechanism attached. A tiny security camera and intercom sat to the left of the door, and Ian's disembodied voice said, "Yo, Buzz, come on in. Hold on a minute. On second thought, I'll come out. I want to show you something."
The heavy door cycled electronically and I pulled it open. Ian came out and led J.J, Evo, Tony, Sam, Fred, and me to the large building next door to the lab. He opened the door and we stepped inside. Ian folded his arms across his chest and grinned. "Well, what do you think? This is Maggie's work-in-progress."
We all stood there with our mouths hanging open. With a nudge from Ian, we entered the Land of Oz.
Fred and I said simultaneously, "We're not in Kansas anymore, Toto." Evo, Tony, and Sam just stared at us.
Mag's work-in-progress turned an ordinary pole barn into a living nature lab for grade school and high school students, as well as a science classroom and lab for college students. Live vines hung on the wall and crisscrossed rafters, also draped in moss. Background jungle noises came from hidden speakers as we passed through a make-believe tropical canopy.
We stepped into the main part of the young people's nature center, which held long tables filled with two ant farms, a bee colony ducted to the outside, a worm farm, rows of computers and microscopes. A butterfly enclosure separated the young scientist area from the advanced science labs.
Here agricultural experiments, along with alternative sources of power made from vegetables lined the long tables for the older students. Chemistry, Biology, Agronomy, Microbiology, and Botany were the main subjects of research and experimentation here. Computers, lab tables, a life-like skeleton, coolers, autoclaves, and other equipment filled the tables and cabinets. Shelves of glass vials, test tubes, Petrie dishes and other glass containers lined the walls.
Like a kid at Christmas, Mag explained that since Ian held a PhD. In Forensic Botany and she had a Master's degree in Biology, between them they could cover all the subjects easily. Mag had mentioned retiring from teaching high school, but I had no idea she meant to taking on a project as big as this.
"Ian has already contacted the local university and they're very interested in our facility. They want to hold some of their classes on site, right here. We would teach some, and visiting professors would handle others."
Stunned, I looked at her and could only say, "Beats the crap out of pole dancing."
Ian looked confused and Mag patted his arm. "I'll explain later, Honey."
I moved past her in a daze to gaze at the tropical rainforest they'd created at the far end. Enclosed in glass to keep the humidity in, the ceiling misters from the old greenhouses served as a rain source. Plant life on the interior consisted of everything from the outrageous to the bizarre. Different environmental studies would be performed as the building neared completion.
Ian said, "Everything in the enclosure is endangered or near extinction. Some had to be duplicated because we weren't allowed to export a specimen. I built it in part for public awareness, but also for research to see if we can propagate some species well enough to re-introduce them into the rainforests."
"Holy cow. This has got to be Nobel Prize stuff, Ian."
Ian blushed. "I just hope to help save the world from itself, Buzz."
I squeezed his arm. "It's a hell of a start, Ian. I'm proud of you both."
A noise to our left had us watching Evo as he poked around a native Aztec display. Evo stuck his head inside a hut and yelled, "Anybody home?"
A Banana Palm alongside the hut shook, and a rustling noise had us looking up.
Ian shook his head and sighed. "Oh, no I didn't warn you."
Evo said, "What's wrong, I was joking when I said, anyone home."
The tree shook again, and an odd voice screeched, "Nobody here but us chickens. Cluck, clunk, clunk."
We all jumped back and Ian grinned. "We're in for it now."
Evo and Tony looked at each other.
"Chickens?"
"Clunk?"
"He means cluck, but he never gets it right. Dumb bird doesn't even make a good chicken."
"Dumb?"
"Bird?"
The squawk coming from the tree made me hop behind Ian. I knew what was coming.
"Dumb Bird. Pitty Bird. Pitty Dumb Bird." The banana palm shook again and out flew a giant Cockatoo. Sam and Fred came rushing out of the rain forest just in time to watch the bird come in for a crash landing. He skidded the length of a long steel table. Sliding to a stop near the two men, the bird began making "yummy" noises and buried his head in E
vo's pocket.
Side-stepping the probing beak, Evo danced out of reach. "Hey, don't you ever feed this poor guy?"
Ian cocked an eyebrow. "Poor guy my ass. That begging thing was Mag's doing. She plays hide the treat, and now," he pointed to the cockatoo, "That little criminal has become an accomplished pickpocket."
Fred laughed. "Glad to see he's picked up some other bad habits since you took him."
Sam stepped closer. "Oh, Ian, he is so beautiful. What do you call him?"
Ian grumbled. "I try not to call him anything in his presence." His voice lowered to a whisper. "But his name is Kitty. He's very annoying about it. Go ahead, Sam, he doesn't bite, but he's such a pig he may accidentally grab some skin. That's why we can't have him in the children's section, and I've never caged him, so here he stays. We call him the local color–when I'm not cussing at him, that is."
Sam grabbed a peanut out of a dish and stepped closer. Kitty cocked his head and lifted his crown. His sharp beak opened and closed while his black tongue worked back and forth.
Sam lowered her voice and held out the peanut. She waited until Kitty moved toward her. "Hello, Kitty."
Kitty jumped a couple of inches off the table and shook his head. Ian shook his head and sighed, "Oh no, here we go."
Kitty suddenly flapped his wings and cocked a baleful eye toward Sam. He swooped in on the peanut and screeched, "Here Kitty, Kitty, Kitty. Heeere Kitty."
Sam wisely let go of the peanut while Kitty snatched it and hopped back toward Ian. He stuffed it into his mouth. "Shee-it. Them's some fiiiine vittles," he said while he spit peanut and shell across the table.
We were all staring at Ian and he held up his hands. "Uh, that's the other reason he can't be around kids. I swear I didn't teach him most of what he says."
"That's why he's back living here and not at the store with me anymore. Some of the customers found his language a bit offensive."
"He's adorable. Sam giggled as she held out a bit of mango. Kitty was suddenly her best friend, chatting away at the top of his lungs as he gorged himself on the fruit.
