by Gale Borger
What I saw turned my blood to ice. Evo sat slumped, half out of the Land Rover. A man dressed in fatigues and carrying a machine gun sat on the hood of the vehicle, smoking a cigarette and watching the path Armand and I took up the mountain. A clone of the man on the hood had Sam backed against the passenger side door. He held a long pointed knife at her throat, speaking softly. Queen blared from a portable boom box in the vehicle and Fred danced with a third man on the same side of the Rover. I thought that odd until I saw that he held a revolver pointed at her middle. A fourth guy sat in the driver's seat smoking a cigarette.
I didn't breathe. I had a death grip on my gun. Sweat poured off me as I crouched, ready to spring the second the guerilla turned his back to me. I was so intent on the scene before me Armand walked right up and slid a hand over my mouth. Good thing he did, because I have to admit, he scared the crap out of me. I squeaked and jumped as Armand pulled me to the ground.
"Don't lose it now, kid," he whispered in my ear.
"My sister."
Armand pulled me back into the jungle and we settled down about twenty feet in. "Look," he began. "Fred can hold her own–believe me, I was caught under her spell when you first arrived, remember? Thank God she's on our side or the U.S. would be in trouble. Old boy won't stand a chance unless they run out of music."
I took in a long, slow breath. "Okay. What do you want me to do?"
"That's my girl."
"Don't be patronizing, pal."
"Sorry. First we see if we can sit them out. Sooner or later someone is going to pee or look through our luggage or something. As soon as they split, we take them out. If I can lure one into the jungle, I can get him with no gunfire. If we have to shoot, we'll draw attention from those guys up the mountain. I'll get Evo, which means you'll have to drive like hell down this mountain. Can you do it?"
"Yes."
"Okay, let's split up."
I nodded. "I want to move toward the passenger's side so I can squeeze off a good shot on Fred Astaire over there."
"Good. Walk no further than the front of the Rover. We don't want to create crossfire. I'll go no further than this side of the back. Wait for the scuffle; that will be my signal."
I nodded and we separated. And I waited…and waited. The guy with the knife continued to tease Sam. Fred was getting tired, Evo looked dead, and the guy on the hood kept dozing off. Enough of this bullshit. Where the hell did Armand go, anyway? I sat there as my butt grew numb thinking that even if something happened, I'd be too crippled up to do anything. I was about to shift my position when I spotted a tarantula the size of Cincinnati crawling across my boot. Anaconda. Worse than anaconda, fucking Godzilla the spider! Shoo spider, go home now. He didn't move, but I saw his eight little eyeballs staring malevolently at me. I began to hyperventilate. I waved my gun over its head trying to scare it back to Spider hell. Apparently, Mr. Tarantula hadn't seen that movie because the gun didn't faze him a bit. I flapped my hands at it. I blew in its direction. I wiggled my foot, but it only made him climb toward my leg. Oh No! Here he comes! Woman Eaten By Giant Tarantula. Details at Ten. I shook all over, I felt sweat run like water down my back, and reached blindly for a stick to poke him. I must have been noisier than I thought because a booted foot stepped on my groping hand. I heard a click and felt the cold steel of a gun barrel as it rested gently against my temple.
"Oops."
"Oops is correct senorita, now move slowly to the car."
"Er, sir, if could you please get King Kong the tarantula off my leg, I would walk on my hands to the car."
"Is the senorita afraid of the little spider?" I felt him shift and heard a sound like a softball slapping into a catcher's mitt as he punted the tarantula, and saw a large hairy brown body sail over my head and land somewhere down the trail. I felt giddy and queasy at the same time, but scrambled to my feet, shaking like a hound dog pooping peach pits. I took a couple of deep breaths and focused instead on the rather smelly little man who wanted to kill me.
I realized the man hadn't seen the gun in my right hand while I flopped around on the ground, as it was buried in vegetation. I must have been really preoccupied with the tarantula not to hear him approach me. Even if I didn't hear him, I should have smelled him coming. He was as ripe as an old garbage dump, and I had to choke back to keep from gagging. He smiled and grabbed my left arm. He tried to pull me forward so he could position himself to shove me from behind.
I staggered to my feet; leaning heavily on Mr. Smelly's arm. While he supported most of my weight, I swung my right hand up and shoved my gun into his ribs. "Thanks for getting rid of the spider, pal."
His eyes grew huge as I ducked and pulled the trigger.
As soon as the gun went off I was already crouched and moving toward the back of the vehicle. More shots echoed out. I took advantage of the distraction, popped up, and fired a shot at Fred's dancing partner. He flew backward, slamming against the SUV and slithered to the ground. Fred dove under the Land Rover.
Breathing hard and scrambling, I kept my eye on the guy who now held Sam by the hair. He dragged her down and slammed her hair in the door of the Rover. Sam couldn't reach far enough to free her hair, so she crouched near the ground to stay out of gunshot range. Where the hell is Armand? With only one guy left, I moved back toward my original position and saw Fred with the boom box in her hand, creeping up on the idiot who held Sam captive.
With one eye on the guy on the ground and one eye on the guy who'd jumped out of the driver's seat, I moved closer to the guy holding Sam by the hair. I slithered out of the jungle and Lassie-crawled on my elbows (I was getting really good at crawling) toward the front of the truck.
I raised my weapon just as Fred brought the boom box down on the smoking guy. I grabbed the hanging cord off the radio and ripped the other end out of the cigarette lighter. I rolled over to the bad guy and grabbed his hands. I tied him up all nice and tight and signaled Fred to give me her belt. She thought I meant take off her pants and refused. I ripped the guy's belt out of the loops and shackled his legs to the electric winch on the front of the Rover.
By mutual consent, Fred crawled into the front of the Rover and came up behind Sam. I pointed to the boom box still clutched in Fred's hand and to the guy who held Sam. I circled back into the jungle and made a lot of noise as I grabbed vegetation and hid my gun. When I came out directly in front of the hair puller, his attention focused squarely on me. I stumbled into the clearing carrying palm fronds and small flowers. "Hey guys, look what I found! Palm trees and orchids and oooh, Sam, did you find yourself one of them South American hotties? Well let's break out the party music before we go back to town. I'll do a little hula with my palm fronds."
I danced away and swayed the fronds back and forth. The bad guy was so stunned he stood frozen and focused. While I did the fat butt rumba, Fred slowly moved across the front seats and opened the door enough to free Sam's hair. She then moved up behind knife boy and lifted the boom box high. The bad guy had just gotten to the "Who the hell are you and what the hell are you doing?" part, when slugger Freddie hauled back and cracked his head open with the boom box. He dropped like a stone and I wasn't sure if the odd expression on his face came from being caught unaware, or reaction to a middle-aged American prancing through the jungle wearing palm fronds. Sam skittered around collecting weapons of all kinds and I tied the last guy up.
Sam checked on the guy I'd shot. "Uh, Buzz? You did a nice job of trussing this guy up, but I think Fred can have her belt back."
I turned toward her. "What do you mean? Oh." The guy had a bullet hole in the middle of his forehead. "Oops."
I checked on Evo. "Thank God those Oxycontins worked on him like that, or he would have messed up the whole works; bullet hole or not."
I let out a breath and peered into the dense jungle. "But I still have one question, what in Sam Hill happened to Armand?"
25
Fred furrowed her brow and her nose wrinkled. "Yeah, where is dear old Armand
anyway? Wasn't he with you? Did you lose him or did he chicken out? Don't tell me we have to go into the jungle and look for his sorry butt now." She was still shaking and stuffed her hands in her pockets.
Sam's eyes grew big. "What if the bad guys got him? Won't we have to rescue him or something?"
I grunted as I tied a granny knot on my makeshift shackles. "No way in hell I'm going back up that mountain! He has to be somewhere near because we came down together. I wonder if the bad guys got him. If we can't find him, that boy is on his own until we can get a hold of the Feds. We need to get Evo out of here, and we need Armand's backpack with all the water samples, so let's make a quick perimeter search where he told me he'd be."
Sam tied her hair up on top of her head. She grabbed my lucky Bucky Badger baseball cap from the Rover and stuffed it on top of the pile. "You don't think he's been captured or something, do you, Buzz?"
"No, I don't. There were only four guys. Boy, I hope he's not hurt. He was supposed to be the hero and save the day, and I can't think of a thing that would have changed his mind. In all seriousness though, we need to find him, so grab what weapons you can carry and put a gun in Evo's good hand. Let's try to camouflage him a little so he's not such easy pickings."
We did what we could with Evo and the three of us met for a final briefing. I explained how Armand and I came through the jungle and how we saw them before we were caught. "Armand and I made a pact to stay around ten feet inside the jungle and never go in back or front of the Rover. So," I spread my arms wide, "He has to be within the length of the vehicle in the jungle. Let's go as a group so no one gets shot or lost, okay?" Fred and Sam both nodded.
We slipped back into the jungle with Fred closest to the vehicle so one of us had an eye on Evo at all times. We'd gone about half way down the length of the Rover and a shiver ran up my spine. The three of us stopped, and something told me to look up.
Upside down and hanging by one foot, hung our Italian-American limo driver-cum-ATF Agent Armand Spaghettios or whatever his name. Arms folded, swinging in the breeze, he seemed in good spirits, despite his unfortunate predicament. At least he wasn't dead–yet.
Armand smiled widely and spread his arms wide as he swung gently back and forth. "Ah, what lights from yonder palm tree? Why, 'tis a bee. Or is it just the Buzz?" He eyeballed our un-amused expressions. "Hmm, or maybe 'tis just the sting?"
Hands on my hips, I stared back. "Har-har, Mr. Hero. You cut up pretty good for a man hanging upside down. You're lucky some hungry anaconda or South American guerrilla didn't find your Italian badass."
He narrowed his eyes. "Could you find it in your hearts, fair ladies, to cut me down, please?"
"I guess so, Shakespeare." I looked at Sam and Fred. "Fair Ladies? What do you think? Should we cut him down so I can shoot him or should we leave him as tarantula fodder?" Sam and Fred looked at each other and nodded. They turned to me and made snipping gestures with their fingers.
We pulled Armand down by the arms until we could reach his feet. Fred and I held him while Sam sawed at the rope. When the rope broke, Armand came loose like a whip shot. He sent us all sprawling into a heap. Bruised and breathing hard. I was not amused. "Dammit, Armand," I choked as I tried to shove him off me. "You're supposed to be the professional here. You were supposed to save the day. I thought you walked off or something worse!"
"Ahhh, ow. He cracked his elbow on a rock trying to stand up. His knees looked watery and he had no feeling in his legs. He stumbled and Fred caught hold of him. "No, I've just been hangin' around here since I left you. I figured if I called out, they'd hear me and we'd both be dead." He wobbled where he stood. "I take it you got them?"
"I nailed two of them with a boom box," Fred said.
I nodded. "We even left one alive, I think."
Armand stumbled forward. "Good. Let's get out of this God-forsaken hell hole. We half dragged Armand back to the Rover, and had to bend his legs to get him into the vehicle.
Evo was awake, but groggy when we returned. That could have been because our prisoner was trying to hoist Evo onto his back so he could carry him away. Evo grunted as the bad man jostled his injured shoulder.
Fred looked at the guy and then at the Rover. She looked at me and said, "How do you suppose he got loose from the winch, I wonder?"
Sam yelled, "Who cares, let's get Evo."
We ran to the opposite side of the Land Rover where the still partially tied up little bad guy struggled to balance Evo across his shoulders. We watched him waver and sag beneath Evo's large frame.
I stopped dead and laughed. "Consider this equation," I said. "Man, five-feet-one-inch and 100 pounds soaking wet, hoists dead weight of six-foot-three, two hundred and thirty pounds. How many feet can five-feet-one-inch travel, and at what speed?" I began to hum the Jeopardy! tune.
We finally took pity on the little man and the three of us lifted Evo off him and maneuvered him back into the Rover. Armand clipped the bad guy on the chin and strapped him and one other to the luggage rack. We all clambered into the Rover and took off the way we'd come.
At the crossroad leading to the lagoon or Site 151, I stopped the Rover. "I think we should check out the lagoon."
Sam piped up. "Thank you, Buzz. I so wanted to take a look, but I didn't want to put you all in greater danger. Can we see how far we can make it in the Rover? Evo said the track ahead leads directly to it."
Armand shrugged. "I don't have a problem with it, thought we might be walking into more trouble. I'd rather continue on and get these guys to the local police." He gestured to the men tied to the luggage rack.
"But we may never get back here. I really need to at least take a look around."
Armand sighed. "I don't want you three walking into danger. We'd better just go."
The three of us stopped and looked over our shoulders. I said, "So Sayeth the maneth hanging in the treeeth?"
Armand had the grace to blush. "Okay, I get-eth it. Quick stop, then back to civilization, okay? I'll stay here and stand guard. Take weapons with you."
"It's a deal!"
I put the vehicle in low and continued forward. It wasn't as bad going as I thought. In no time we were at the lagoon. It was just as Evo described it. The smell of rotting flesh and vegetation was almost overpowering, but Sam didn't seem to notice. She and Fred donned plastic gloves, grabbed a bunch of vials, and headed toward the shore with fishnets. I gave myself an extra dose of Deet and told Armand we wouldn't be long.
I stumbled over roots and slogged through mud, trying to breathe through my mouth. I had to stop and gag twice, but finally made it to the small beach. Holding my nose I waded over to Sam and Fred. "Find anything?"
Sam lifted a brow at me then studied the contents of her net. "Lots of dead fish."
"Very scientific. Anything at all alive?"
Fred's head shot up. "Sam, over here–you won't believe this!"
Sam waded through the water to where Fred held out her net. We peered at a small miracle. Inside the net flopped a Corydoras catfish–the little bewhiskered cat wiggled energetically in the net. The miracle was not the fish itself, but the fact he lived.
"Holy catfish, Batman! Where did this little fella come from?" I grabbed a jar with fresh water and opened the top.
Sam dumped the Cory in. She held him up to the sun and examined his squirming little body. She looked almost startled as she turned back to us. "Fred, Buzz, where I cannot be sure without positive identification, I don't recognize this specie of Corydoras. I'd swear it is a match to the one at Fred's house. They are not exact, but it might be a gender or age difference. See that purple over green shimmer? See that black circle around the eye? It looks like he has freckles, but no other spotting."
I poked Fred in the side. "Yo, fisher woman, find us some more of these."
We hunted and netted until the sun took a downward turn.
Finally, Armand yelled from the Land Rover, "Hey, Evo is up and the sun is going down. We have to get off this mountain
now!"
Exhausted, we dragged ourselves back to the SUV and carefully packed away our new babies. Armand insisted on driving, and we used clothes and duffle bags to cushion Evo. Armand gave him another painkiller so the jouncing wouldn't kill him.
As we passed Site 151, we went the opposite way around the perimeter. As we neared the front gate, Armand killed the engine and went to reconnoiter the way past. He came up behind us and scared the crap out of everyone–including the bad guys strapped on the back.
"Looks clear. Let's hope I'm right. Hang on, Evo. He started the engine and gunned it down the main road.
We made the airport in Cumanná in record time and Evo insisted we not stop at the hospital–too much hassle and too many questions. Sam checked his wound and declared him to be holding up. Evo gritted his teeth as we all but dragged him onto the plane. I left Sam and Fred to fuss over him and Armand made several phone calls to his people. He'd barely hung up when a black Navigator screeched to a halt near the Rover.
I poked my head into the plane and called Fred and Sam over to look. "Hey, are those guys we tied up aliens? 'Cuz it sure looks like the Men in Black have arrived."
They snickered and agreed. We watched as the unsmiling men in black suits untied our prisoner as if it was a sight they saw every day. In silence and with micro-precision moves, the black suits threw the prisoner into the back of the Navigator. Two suits got in the front and one got in the back. The doors slammed behind them and they disappeared in a flash.
"Hoo-wee. That was kind-of creepy. Hey, Armand, are you sure you knew those guys? No one said a word."
"Company men. I used to try to fit in like them, but I bleed real blood, so they kicked me out of their fraternity and made me do undercover work, thank God."
I shook my head in wonder. "No kidding. Well, let's get the rest of our stuff in here. The pilot says he's ready to go. I guess this means you won't be involving the local police?"
Armand grunted as he hefted Fred's large duffel. "You guessed correctly, Buzz. Now get going, we don't have much time."
