A moment of realization hit both of us at the same time. The most soul-searing kiss of our young relationship was being carried out in front of parents, friends, family, and Ty’s band. We reluctantly stepped apart, I looked nervously around to see the band gaping at us and my mom and dad trying to avert their eyes. Alex stood gaping at me with a cocked eyebrow. Deciding I just didn’t care who saw us, I shrugged and turned back to Ty.
“Wow.” I smiled up at him. I was so proud to be this handsome man’s girlfriend. The world always seemed to disappear around us. Nothing seemed more important than making Ty’s life as wonderful as he made mine. “What brought that on?”
“Because you’re my beautiful butterfly, and you make me so happy.” Ty smiled at me.
That he reciprocated my feelings made me feel truly alive for the first time in my life.
With graduation in the rear-view mirror, Ty and I filled our summer with each other. There was never enough time. We had jobs, his at the bistro and mine working part-time at Dad’s law office. Ty also had a lot of LTZ obligations like rehearsals and occasional gigs. Neither of us had a lot of money either. Although Ty lived with his mom, it seemed like he paid a lot of their expenses. My folks were making me save at least $2,500 for college spending money.
But it didn’t matter.
I gleefully planned our social calendar, coming up with fun, cheap dates in the hours we had together. Mainly, we’d jump in my new car and explore the Pacific Northwest on long drives or play tourist in Seattle by visiting the Space Needle, MoPOP, or just walk along Alki Beach at sunset. Sometimes he’d sit in my room serenading me with his guitar while I worked on the arduous task of decluttering eighteen years of my life and packing up my room for college.
We were effortless. We fit together like a puzzle, physically and mentally. I couldn’t stop touching him, whether it was playing with his hair, stroking his body when we cuddled or covering him with a million kisses. He couldn’t stop touching me either, caressing my face, braiding my hair, and interlocking his fingers with mine wherever we went.
I wanted him to be my first. And only. Despite my feeble and inexperienced efforts to nudge things further, Ty insisted on taking things slow. I was no closer to losing my virginity, but for now there was nothing better in the world than to be enveloped in his big, strong arms.
When we weren’t together, I’d flip through our hundreds of pictures on my phone. Whenever Ty sent me a sweet poem, left me a thoughtful message, or texted a video of himself, my heart melted. Every night after we FaceTimed each other to sleep, I would have amazingly vivid dreams of our happy life, now and in the future.
I was no dummy, my head knew that our time together was probably limited. My heart knew that I loved him. Deep in my soul, I knew that he was my forever person, and there would never be anyone else.
Chapter 4
TYSON
“When did you start playing?” Zoey reached out to brush the hair out of my eyes. I was sitting on her bed, strumming my guitar before we needed to leave for a barbeque at Carter’s house. Every time she touched me was a balm for my wounded soul. Proof that I deserved to be loved.
I looked into her beautiful hazel eyes and hesitated to answer. I’d avoided sharing too much about my personal life with her yet. Mainly because she was so sweet and caring and had such a wonderful family. I didn’t want to scare her off. Our backgrounds couldn’t have been more different.
“One of my mom’s boyfriends taught me a few chords when I was about twelve, and I just loved playing.” I plucked a few notes of a song I was composing.
“Will I ever meet your mom?” Zoey looked at me solemnly. “I mean, my parents love you, Ty. Are you afraid your mom won’t like me?”
“God, no, butterfly!” I set the guitar down and pulled her toward me, taking her hand in mine. “Not everyone is as lucky as you are to have such great parents. I don’t want you to ever meet my mom. She’s an addict. Sex, drinking, drugs, you name it.”
“What? Where’s your dad?” Zoey asked, her eyes filling with tears. Her reaction was expected and while it made me feel ashamed to explain my family secrets, she truly cared for me. I had never been able to confide in anyone and I felt safe with her. But it was hard for me to open up about my life.
“Um. God, I don’t ever talk about this.” I took a deep breath. “Okay. My mom’s name is Jada. She got pregnant with me super young. I think maybe fifteen or sixteen. I don’t know who my father is. My mom doesn’t even know, she jokes all the time that there are multiple possibilities.”
“Oh.” Zoey gripped my hand in hers and squeezed, trying to hide her shock.
“Please don’t feel sorry for me, Zoey.” I furrowed my brow. Zoey was the first person who knew me as the man I was now, not the loser I had been. I didn’t want to ruin things by telling her about my fucked-up family. Or lack thereof.
“Ty, you know everything about me,” Zoey encouraged, still stroking my hair. “I don’t feel sorry for you, I want to know you. All of you. Sometimes it feels like you hold things back to protect me. You don’t need to do that.”
I laid back on Zoey’s bed, closed my eyes, and sighed. Zoey pressed herself against me, snuggling into my side, stroking the three small scars on my eyebrow. It was getting really hard not to want to ravage my sweet girl when I’d feel the swell of her ample breasts pressed against my chest. She was a virgin though, and I had so little experience. I was terrified of being a disappointment to her. Swallowing deep and pushing all of my sexual frustration aside, I knew that if things were going to move to the next level, I’d have to take a chance and truly let her in.
So, I said the very last thing I ever expected to confess. “Well, first off, my last name isn’t Rainier.”
She was stunned. “What?”
“Well, I mean it is now.” I arched my eyebrow. “I’ve never told this to another person, not Carter, not the band.”
“I don’t understand.” Zoey played with my fingers, encouraging me to continue.
“My mom’s last name is Rogers, and so was mine until I was eighteen. During my nerd phase I met Zane, when he asked me my name I said, ‘Rainier.’ When I turned eighteen, I didn’t want to be a liar, so I had it legally changed.”
“Why? I mean, Tyson Rainier is a great name, but Rogers isn’t so bad.” Zoey seemed intrigued. “Why did you lie to him in the first place?”
“I guess I just wanted to be someone different. Someone that was anyone but me. My first thought was of Mt. Rainier. It’s so majestic, so beautiful, so powerful. That’s who I wanted to be, so I just blurted it out when Zane asked my name. Since that moment it’s who I’ve aspired to become. In some ways, it’s what helped get me past my shit. That name change.” I looked out Zoey’s window, the summer sun high in the sky.
“You were manifesting the man you wanted to be.” Zoey’s fingers squeezed mine more tightly.
“I guess so.” I could feel my cheeks redden and, feeling shy, lowered my eyes to look at Zoey and gauge her reaction.
“And no one knows? How is that possible?” Zoey carefully brushed the hair out of my eyes again, I loved how she always did that. The time I had with her was the best part of my day, it was impossible for me to imagine my life before she was in it. I didn’t want to.
“You’re the only person I want to know.”
“Wow. I’m blown away. My lips are sealed.” Zoey made a zipping motion with her fingers to her lips. “I’m so touched that you would trust me with this.”
“I do trust you, butterfly.”
That was because she made me feel so safe, and I’d never felt safe before.
“So, you were telling me about your mom?” Zoey prompted after a few minutes of silence.
“Right. Well, my mom used to be very beautiful, and I have some memories where we’d actually have fun. She’d take me to the zoo or the beach.” I smiled, recalling when she’d tried to be a real mother to me. “She bartended at some high-end bar. At night I’d go to wor
k with her, and she’d let me sit in a booth to color or do my homework.”
Zoey was rapt with attention. I’d never had anyone so acutely interested in me, which made me feel worthy and loved when I’d never felt that before.
My mind exploded. It was so hard to comprehend feeling safe, worthy and loved all at the same time. All because I had the courage to put myself out there with this goddess of a woman. She was the one who made me feel all of these things.
I loved her. I fucking loved her.
“I really don’t know when it happened, it was so gradual. Maybe I was too young to notice, but it’s as if my mom evaporated right in front of me. When she was home, she’d act crazy and irrational,” I continued, still baffled at the realization that I was in love. “It was confusing. She’d either be yelling and screaming at me or begging for hugs. Mostly, she ignored me altogether.”
To her credit, Zoey didn’t interrupt me. She just petted my hair and kept listening.
“Eventually, her erratic behavior got her fired and it went further downhill from there. She’d leave me alone for days at a time and I’d try to fend for myself. When she was home, she was drunk or high, maybe both, and often didn’t get out of bed for days at a time.” I couldn’t help but wince. “We got evicted from our apartment and lived in her car until my grandparents helped her rent the apartment we live in now on Beacon Hill.”
Zoey massaged my temple lovingly. “Where are your grandparents?”
“Dead. A car accident when I was eleven. Luckily, they left money with a trust lawyer who paid our rent until I got through high school.”
Zoey laid against me and squeezed me tight. “That’s so heartbreaking. But you graduated a few years ago, does she pay rent now?”
“No, babe.” I closed my eyes. “I do, I have to, or we’d be evicted.”
Zoey rested her hand on my chest while I stroked my fingers through her mane of golden hair for a few minutes while that bit of information sank in.
“You’ve had so much pressure for someone so young,” she whispered against my T-shirt.
“Well, now at least it’s in my control.” I was spilling my guts now, so I figured that I might as well put it all out there. “When my mom didn’t get the inheritance, she was forced to find a new bartending job at the seedy dive bar where she works now. She’d always had an endless rotation of men she’d have sleep over, and now they’ve become even shadier.”
Zoey kept her head pressed to my chest as she listened. It felt good to unburden myself of these secrets I’d kept for so long.
It felt good to trust someone.
“I always knew that the men who rotated in and out of her bedroom were using her, or more likely paying her. Some of them were nice to me. Some yelled at me. Some ignored me.” I took a deep breath. “Some were worse. One guy punched me so hard, I went to the hospital. I still have these scars on my eyebrow.” I reached up to touch them, Zoey’s small fingers intertwined with mine, soothing me.
“I can’t believe you had to live like that.” Zoey propped her head up on her elbow, looking at me directly in my eyes. “Can’t you make her go to rehab?”
I shook my head. “It doesn’t work like that with an addict, babe. She’ll promise then not go. She’ll scream and cry and threaten. She tried to sell my guitar for drugs, which is why everything that means anything to me is at Carter’s. Zoey . . . I mean, I’m done. I’ve done everything I can. She’s a shell of a woman, she looks like death warmed over. She gives zero shits about me. When we leave on tour, I’m getting out for good, I have to. Nobody in the band knows any of this. Can you keep it on the down-low from the guys, and well . . . everyone?”
Nestling into my side, Zoey tenderly stroked the small scars on my eyebrow again, studying me. “Absolutely. I’ll never betray your trust, Ty. I won’t lie to you, though. It makes me really mad at your mom. I couldn’t have survived it.”
“I’ve learned to be self-sufficient. Writing stories and poetry about how I wished my life could be, became my therapy. When I was twelve, I found some odd jobs around the neighborhood and saved to buy my beat-up Strat on Craig’s List.” I smiled. “Music saved me, and that guitar is still my favorite.”
My teen years had been solitary, but I didn’t really mind. I didn’t play sports, was no academic, and I enjoyed spending all my time learning classic rock songs and copying my favorite ʼ90s grunge bands’ style from YouTube videos. My guitar became an extension of me, and I became proficient, even if I had no one to play for but myself.
“You told me when we met that you were socially awkward and a minute ago you mentioned a ‘geek phase.’ I just can’t see that, you’re so hot. And so together.” Zoey furrowed her brow, studying me. “And cool!”
“Yeah, I’m soooo cool. Well here’s where you’re going to dump my ass.” I laughed.
“Nope. You’re stuck with me Tyson Rainier—er—Rogers.” Zoey smacked me.
“We’ll see. There’s a picture at Carter’s that proves it. When I hit puberty, I was a mess; my clothes were dirty, I smelled rotten, and my hair was an absolute unruly nightmare.” I sometimes still saw that boy in the mirror.
“I’ll believe it when I see it.” Zoey traced my lips with her pink-tipped, manicured nail. I sucked it into my mouth and waggled my eyebrows at her, causing her to giggle.
Releasing her finger, I stroked her shoulder as I finished my sad tale. “Seriously, I was a real outsider. I couldn’t relate to my classmates who had parents who loved them and money. I had no way to go to prom, buy the latest kicks, or participate in extracurricular activities. I didn’t bother making friends. What was I going to do? Invite someone over and risk having them see Mom passed out on the couch with the TV on? Or worse, some naked dude walking through the living room?”
It was true, I became an expert at disappearing in plain sight. I had been so painfully introverted and insecure, and no one took any notice of me. I’m still not sure what motivated me to keep going, it would have been so much easier to drop out. I’d like to say it was because I wanted to get my diploma but, truthfully, it was more about getting breakfast and lunch through the school meal program.
“Ty, I know talking about this is hard. Thank you for opening up. I feel so close to you.” Zoey’s earnestness snapped me out of my thoughts. “I won’t ever let anyone hurt you.”
I pressed my lips to hers, feeling closer to her too. “It is hard. But I’m glad I told you. I certainly never dreamed that I’d be here now, the lead singer in an ass-kicking rock band with the hottest girlfriend in the world.”
“Ooooh, tell me the story of how you guys got together!”
“This is a much better story. My life changed when I met Zane in tenth grade. He was a loner too, mainly because he transferred in from out of state. At that point I kept my guitar safe at school, and he heard me singing one of my songs under the bleachers at lunch break. The rest is history, we became fast friends and brothers.”
It was impossible to keep a smile off my face when I spoke of my “adopted” family. “We bonded over our love of music, and I was blown away when I learned who Zane’s dad was. It’s common knowledge because Carter is so open about it, but he was lost in addiction for quite a few years too. After losing touch in a custody battle, they eventually reconciled, and Zane moved to Seattle to live with him during high school.”
“That must have been strange for Zane to adjust to.” Zoey was very perceptive.
“Well, I’ll admit, it was funny to listen to Zane’s angst about his mom who, compared to mine, seemed like a fine person aside from, well, keeping him from his dad and making his legal last name her maiden name Rocks.”
“Wow. It still blows me away that you call Carter Pope your pseudo-dad.” Zoey shook her head. “I can’t imagine.”
“Truthfully, I was grateful to be included in Carter’s orbit. He was always so incredibly generous. When I first met him, he basically clothed me in a wardrobe of swag from his endorsements that was just sit
ting around in boxes. Once I spent more and more time at their house, I did my laundry, took showers, and learned how to keep myself groomed. One time, Carter took me to get a decent haircut at a real barber. When I was upset when he wouldn’t let me pay, he learned to respect that I didn’t want handouts. I decided to just grow it out, which is how I ended up with such long hair. I liked it. It was part of me now.
“I can’t wait for you to meet him, you’ll like him, he kicked addiction’s ass. And, he really took me under his wing. He was just Zane’s dad for a long time, and now he is a true father figure to me.”
“A father whose style is only copied by all guitar players around the world.” Zoey laughed.
“Well, yeah.” I cocked my head. “The thing is, he has never made a big deal about it. He’s humble because of his demons.” Which also meant he never asked too many questions about my home situation, which I was grateful for. It was embarrassing.
“How you grew up wasn’t your fault.” Zoey clutched my hands, winding her fingers through mine. “God, I’m so grateful for my parents, I’m never going to be mean to them again.”
“I’m sure on some level, Carter knows about my mom. Addicts have a funny way of sussing a situation out. But instead of making a big deal about it he encouraged both Zane and me to take our music seriously.” I held on to Zoey’s hands tightly, loving our connection. Loving that I could talk to her about anything.
Zoey rubbed her thumbs over the backs of my hands. “It’s so remarkable how far you’ve come.”
“I had help. Carter is always raging about the lack of resources for musical kids in public schools,” I explained. “After he saw Zane and I play at our high school talent show, he rallied the other guys from Limelight and created an endowment for a music program, which included supplying instruments and music lessons for underprivileged kids. That was how I was able to take professional vocal and guitar lessons.”
ENDLESS: A Less Than Zero Rockstar Romance: Book 1: Ty & Zoey Page 4
