by Robin Huber
He doesn’t smile, but I can see the pride in his eyes. “You know, no one really calls me Gabriel anymore. Except my mother.”
“Well, you’ll always be Gabriel to me. My Gabriel,” I say quietly, stripped of my defenses by the surge of joy flooding my brain. When it recedes, I avert my eyes from the pools of caramel gazing up at me, before I fall in and drown.
I lie back on the blanket and stare at the wide branches of the oak tree. I can see the blue sky beyond its dark green leaves and when the wind blows, the giant limbs sway and creak. “So, besides making remarkable pieces of furniture, what else have you been up to?” I ask carefully.
“Well, for the past few years, that’s pretty much all I’ve been doing.” He looks at me and asks, just as gently, “What about you? How was Raleigh?”
A wave of apprehension falls over me and I give a half-hearted smile. “Raleigh was...okay.”
“Must have been a little more than okay. You stayed there a while,” he says, and I wonder how much he really knows. I assumed his mother kept him abreast of my life in Raleigh, but now I wonder if she was protecting him from it, like my mother had been protecting me from his life.
Did he need protecting from it?
“Um, that’s not why I stayed,” I answer, still distracted by my own question.
He nods thoughtfully and the corners of his mouth turn down. “Well, did you like your job?”
I sigh quietly, thinking about a fair answer. It wasn’t a bad job. In fact, I beat out several qualified candidates for it. I was lucky to have it. The problem was likely me, not the job. “I liked it at first. But I didn’t love it.”
He stares at me for a few seconds, waiting for me to go on. “You want to tell me what you did?” He gives a small smirk that makes me laugh.
“I reviewed and edited marketing materials for restaurant chains. It wasn’t exactly my literary dream come true.” I shrug. “I guess life doesn’t always care about what we want, does it?”
He shakes his head subtly, then says softly, “Sounds like a good job, Liv.”
“It was. But I guess I wanted more than a job. I want more than a job. I want to do something I love. Like edit actual books.” I shrug and widen my eyes playfully. “Put my degree to good use and whatnot.”
He smiles openly and it makes my heart beat wildly. “I hope you do.”
We’re both quiet for a few seconds, gazing up at the giant tree branches above us, listening to them creak as they sway in the warm breeze. I close my eyes and listen to the quiet, low buzzing of the cicadas in the distance.
I love that sound.
“What was it like?” Gabe asks, and I open my eyes.
“What was what like?”
“Your last year at NC State. Finishing college. Graduating.” His voice is a mix of curiosity and pride, for me, and disappointment for him.
I’m quiet as my brain conjures up a flurry of painful memories that I’ve worked really hard to forget. “Um...”
“I’m sorry”—he shakes his head and looks up at the tree again—“that was a stupid question.”
“It’s okay,” I say quietly. “It was...hard.”
He looks at me again with knowing eyes, and I try to give a reassuring smile, but he just nods and says, “I guess it probably was.”
I look up at the patches of blue sky through the wide tree branches again. “I tried to make the best of it, after a while.”
“You deserved to go back and graduate, Liv.”
I drop my head to the side and say to him, “So did you.”
He gives me a disheartened look and says softly, “Not so sure about that.”
I stare at him for a few seconds, unsure what to say.
“Vehicular manslaughter comes with a heavy dose of karma.”
“It was not vehicular manslaughter. And is that really what you think? That what happened to you was karma getting back at you?”
“The accident was my fault, Liv. I should have never agreed to that stupid race.”
“No, you shouldn’t have. But that doesn’t make what happened your fault.”
He looks up at the tree pensively.
I sit up and pull him up with me, which is like tugging on a boulder. “Hey. It was an accident, which by definition is something that happens unintentionally.”
“It still doesn’t change the fact that if I didn’t race Jeremy, Brandon would still be here.”
“No, if Brandon was wearing his seatbelt, he’d still be here.” I shake my head and give him an impossible look.
“I was going seventy miles an hour on a thirty-five-mile-an-hour road.”
“And a deer jumped out of the woods.”
“Which I wouldn’t have swerved to miss if I was going the speed limit.”
“You don’t know that.”
“Liv, stop denying the truth. It’s okay. I’ve made peace with it. I mean, it took me a long time, but I’ve come to terms with it.”
“But it’s not the truth. Brandon didn’t have his seatbelt on, which is the most basic rule of riding in a car. That’s the truth. And he took it off because of me. That’s the truth.”
“What?” He shakes his head. “No.”
“He was egging you on to race Jeremy. That’s the truth.” I grab his arm and look into his eyes, hoping to make him see. “You loved Brandon and you would have walked through fire to protect him...and me. That’s the truth.”
He lowers his chin and looks away from me.
“I’m sorry, but I know that somewhere deep down you believe that. The accident wasn’t your fault. Or Brandon’s fault. Or my fault. It was just an accident. A terrible accident.”
I can’t see his face, but I hear his breath catch.
“Gabe,” I say softly, placing my hand against his wide back. “It’s okay.”
He reaches over his shoulder and squeezes my hand—and my heart.
I press my cheek to his back and wrap my other hand around his arm. Disarmed by his vulnerability, I close my eyes and whisper, “I miss you, Gabe. I still miss you...so much.”
He turns around and his eyes are liquid gold and molten chocolate pouring into me. “You don’t have to miss me anymore.”
I’m suddenly swept back in time, back before everything got so screwed up, when it was all so simple and pure, when he was my whole world and I was his.
I’m pulled back to the present when Roxy comes barreling toward us, barking loud and fast. She pummels into Gabe and starts licking his hands frantically.
“Liv, go!”
“What? No.”
“Go now! Please,” he pleads.
“Gabe, I don’t understand—”
He falls over and starts shaking violently.
Oh, God.
His knees draw up to his chest and his hands form white-knuckled fists. I throw myself over him. “Gabe!” I scream, terrified. Roxy is licking his stone face and whimpering. “Help! Somebody help us!”
After a few agonizing seconds, the earthquake beneath me ceases and Gabe gasps for air. His muscles relax and his hands splay limply on the blanket. He sucks in another lungful of air.
“Gabe?” I scan him from head to toe. “What do I do? Tell me what to do.”
He groans, but doesn’t answer.
“Please be okay,” I whisper quietly.
“I’m okay,” he mumbles, but he doesn’t open his eyes. Roxy lies down next to him with her nose against his cheek. He reaches for her head and rubs it weakly. “Good girl, Rox, good girl,” he pants.
My whole body is trembling and my heart feels like it’s going to beat through my chest. That was the most terrifying thing I’ve ever witnessed. Or at least, a close second. Gabe lies on the blanket unmoving and exhausted as I sit next to him helplessly.
“Gabe, what can I do?” I ask again.
“I’m okay. I just need a minute to catch my breath.” He rolls over and sprawls out on his back, and Roxy licks his face.
I sit silently while he recovers, hugging m
y knees to my chest, but I can’t stop the tears that fill my eyes. I drop my head and cry quietly. It doesn’t take Gabe long to notice. He sits up slowly and wraps his heavy arm around me. Roxy is still right by his side. “Liv, I’m fine, really.”
“I didn’t know what to do.”
“I told you to go. I didn’t want you to see me like that.”
“Go?” I shoot him a horrified look. “And leave you alone while that happened?”
“That’s why I have Roxy. She won’t let anything happen to me.”
“You really think I would leave you like that?” I work hard to contain the emotion churning inside me. I’m not the same girl he pushed away seven years ago. I sit up straight and say firmly, “I’m not going to leave you when you need me, so please don’t ask me to.”
He lets out a defeated sigh. “I know it looks bad when I’m having a seizure, but it doesn’t hurt. I don’t even feel it. I barely remember it when it’s over.”
“Really?”
“It just feels like I’ve run a marathon afterward.” He laughs softly. “They usually only last a few seconds.”
“Roxy was licking your hands. Is that how she tells you it’s going to happen?”
He wraps his arm around her neck and kisses the top of her head. “Yeah, that’s her method. Not all alert dogs do that. They each have their own brand of medicine. But that’s hers.”
“Roxy,” I call her over, patting my hands on my lap. “Come here.” She circles us and sits in front of me. I hold her silky ears in my hands and lift her face to mine. “You are such a good girl. You did such a good job.” She wags her long tail and licks my face. “Oh, thank you. You did so good. Yes, you did. You’re so smart. You love Gabe, don’t you?” She licks my face again. “Yeah...” I am in love with this dog. Watching her protect Gabe like that was incredible.
Gabe falls back on the blanket again. He looks exhausted. I lie down next to him and he lifts his arm, inviting me into the nook between his arm and his chest. I love the nook. I miss the nook. I just experienced a traumatic situation and need to be nooked. I scoot up next to him and lay my head on his chest, and he wraps his arm around me, comforting me just like he did on my parents’ front lawn during the storm yesterday. I press my cheek to his shirt and inhale a deep breath. My Gabriel. Gain laundry detergent and Old Spice shower gel. I couldn’t smell it when he held me in the rain, but it lingers on his soft, dry shirt now. I take another deep breath of his familiar scent. I smell sawdust too. That’s new.
“Did you just smell me?”
“Nope.”
“Did you get a good whiff of sweat? A little sawdust?”
“I like the smell of sawdust,” I say, and he laughs softly.
“I’m sorry that was scary for you.”
I nod against his chest, feeling the remnants of adrenaline slowly dissipate. “I’m sorry it happens to you.”
After a while, we pack up our picnic and head back to the garage.
“You’re sure you’re okay?” I ask him for the fifteenth time.
“I’m fine, Liv, really. I just need a good night’s sleep tonight. I’ll be good as new tomorrow. And I probably won’t have another seizure for a while. I usually only have one every couple of months.”
“Okay. Well”—I pull out my phone—“why don’t you give me your number and I’ll text you mine? And then you can call me if you need anything.”
He recites his number and I send him a text that says Liv.
“My phone’s inside,” he says, gesturing to the garage, and I smile at the way his southern drawl makes “inside” sound more like in-sad.
“Okay.” I stand on my tiptoes and wrap my arms around his neck to give him a quick hug goodbye. But when he pulls me against him, I disappear beneath the weight of his arms and the world falls away. There’s no pain. No sadness. Only relief. The relief I prayed for night after night in Raleigh. The relief I searched for in Travis, but never found.
“I’ll see you later,” he says against my hair, and I have to tear myself away from him.
“All right. Bye.” I hear the southern drawl in my own voice, brought out by his, and it makes me smile as I get into my car and drive away.
Chapter 10
Liv
I check the time on my phone. 10:18pm. I send Trisha a text, hoping she’s still awake.
Me: Call me if you’re up
Trisha: I’m up. Calling now :)
My phone buzzes in my hand. “Hey,” I answer.
“Hey, stranger!”
“I know. I’m sorry I haven’t been able to talk the last couple of days. I’ve just been busy...unpacking and getting settled in at my parents’ house.”
“Honey, I watched you unpack your entire apartment in one day. So what’s really going on down there?”
“You know, I really don’t like you sometimes.”
“Yes, you do. You love me. So spill it. What’s been going on? Is everything okay?”
I sigh. “I do love you. And I miss you.”
“I miss you too. I don’t like being Livless in Raleigh. Hey, that would make a great country song, wouldn’t it? Livless...in Raleigh...,” she sings with a heavy twang, and then laughs at herself.
“You could always move down here.”
“Raleigh is my St. Simons, remember? It’s home. All my family is here.”
“I know.”
“So what’s it like being back?” she asks cautiously.
“It’s kind of strange and wonderful and sad and surreal all at the same time.”
She’s quiet for a second. “You saw him, didn’t you?” When I don’t answer, her voice ticks up an octave. “Really? You saw him?”
“Yes.”
“Did you talk to him?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, can you please stop being so cryptic? I can’t see you and I don’t know if you’re smiling or crying.”
“Sorry. I’m fine, Trish. Really, I am. I mean, there has definitely been some crying. But I’m okay. I think everything’s going to be okay.”
“Okay,” she says hesitantly. “Well, I’m just glad you’re okay. But do you think maybe you can start at the beginning and fill me in?”
“Sure.” I explain everything that’s happened the last few days and she listens intently until I’m through.
“So let me see if I’ve got this right. The love of your young life showed up sporting a new set of washboard abs that make you want to lick him and a serious medical condition that makes you want to rock him, and his best friend is a dog that makes Lassie look dumb.”
“Something like that.”
“Well, I didn’t see that coming.”
“Me neither.”
She laughs. “Look, I’m just happy that you didn’t drive your car off a bridge when you got there. I was really worried about you. You were so upset after the whole Travis thing. I didn’t know what to expect. It dredged up a part of you I haven’t seen in a long time.”
“I know. And it hasn’t been easy dealing with everything again, but pretending like my life here didn’t exist was harder.”
“Speaking of pretending that things don’t exist...you know you’re going to have to speak to Travis at some point, right?”
“We broke up, Trish. There’s nothing left to say.”
“Well, maybe it was that easy for you, but I saw Travis at the gym the other day and he was pretty torn up about it. The man wanted to marry you, Liv. Don’t you think you owe him some sort of closure?”
“I told him that it’s over. What else can I do?”
“I know. I’m just saying, he may not have been the love of your life, but you meant something to him. And even if you won’t admit it, he meant something to you too. Whatever that something was deserves a conversation.”
I’m quiet.
“You’re a good person, Liv. And Travis is too. He just wasn’t the right person. You need to finish things with him the right way. Don’t just run away again.”
“Ouch.”
“I’m sorry, but sometimes you need me to point out your negligent, self-destructive tendencies. It’s for your own good.”
I sigh dramatically. “Well, I was going to ask you to come visit me, but now I’ve changed my mind.”
“Oh, well I was already planning on taking next Friday off to come see you, but...”
“Really?”
“Yeah, well, I was starting to have Liv withdrawals.” She laughs softly.
“Ah, I can’t wait for Trish in real life. Phone Trish is kind of a downer.”
She laughs again.
“You’ll stay here, right? My parents have plenty of room and I know they would love to see you. They keep asking about you. I think they miss you tagging along on our little family outings during their visits to Raleigh.”
She laughs. “Of course, as long as they don’t mind.”
“They would probably mind if you don’t stay here.”
“Okay, I’ll see you next Friday then.”
“One week! I can’t wait.”
“Try not to get into too much trouble between now and then.”
“I’ll do my best, but I can’t make any promises.”
“All right, I’ll call you later. “Nighty-night.”
“Goodnight.” I end the call and lie in my bed, holding my phone to my chest, staring at my ceiling fan.
Sometimes you need me to point out your negligent, self-destructive tendencies.
I reluctantly text Travis.
Me: I just wanted you to know that I’m staying with my mom and dad in St. Simons
Me: I hope you’re doing okay
After a few minutes of silence, I put my phone down and try to go to sleep. But just when I start to drift off, it buzzes on my nightstand, startling me, and I see the little green text bubble light up my screen in the dark. My heart does a quick boomerang around the room when I see who the text is from.
Gabe: Hey I hope it’s not too late
Me: Nope I’m up. Everything ok?
