Miss Betty said, “Might as well make this dinner. The men won’t be back for hours and hours.”
Paula couldn’t help revealing her anxiety. “Do you think JD has the stamina for that much work?”
Miss Betty said, “He’s a man, ain’t he? Been restin’ in that hospital bed for a long time. I’m bettin’ he can go the distance.”
“If only the wind would lessen, I could take up my plane and drop bales to the cattle,” Paula said.
“Yours is too small. Anyway, we have our own plane for that,” Tess said. “The wind’s too dangerous. Sure way to get killed.”
“If you lose some cattle, is that a big deal?” Addie asked. “Baron didn’t seem all that concerned.”
“We have insurance,” Tess said, “but snow is probably considered an act of God, and not covered at all.” Tess told Addie how much money was tied up per head of cattle and the potential loss if substantial numbers died.
Paula did the math in her head. “A million dollars if you lose a thousand.”
Addie seemed stunned. “A thousand head is a million dollars? Oh, my goodness.”
“There’s a lot at stake on a big operation like this,” Tess agreed. “We might or might not make a big profit per head when we sell, but we could take a huge loss if cattle die. Because that’s what we’ve already laid out.”
“I didn’t realize,” Addie shook her head. “Baron never talks about the money involved.”
“Why not?” Tess asked, exasperated.
“Because he’s all about the rocks. He truly does not want to be a cattle baron despite his name.” Addie smiled slyly.
“Yeah, I can believe that,” Tess said, shaking her head.
“So we’re back to nominating JD to take over,” Paula said. “He seems to know what he’s doing. He even seems to care a lot more than Baron does. But will the men listen to him?”
“JD’s a charmer,” Miss Betty offered.
“Not anymore,” Tess muttered.
“Now stop that kind of talk, girl,” the housekeeper chided. “The boy had a hard time overseas. He’s lookin’ good these days despite all your down-in-the-mouth reports.”
“Okay, I admit he did seem more energetic and less mouthy today.”
Paula thought briefly about her time with JD in his bed. He’d had energy. It wasn’t exhaustion that had made him send her away. It was his stubborn insistence that she not see his wounded leg in the light of day. Maybe, if she was honest, his lack of interest in her once she’d given him everything. No, she wouldn’t second think her decision. It had been the right thing to do at the time. She couldn’t live with being responsible for JD believing he was some kind of failure as a lover or a physical outcast because of his amputation.
Every few minutes, one of them went to the window, but there was nothing to see except the snow being savagely shifted by the wind.
“Am I going crazy or is the wind picking up?” Paula asked. “It seems worse than before.” She shivered as the wind howled even louder. “I hope the men are okay out there.”
“The Humvee is solid. It has a low center of gravity. It’ll pull them through,” Tess said.
Suddenly, a man’s voice started yelling.
“Who is it? What’s happening?” Paula asked.
Tess leaped up. “It sounds like Rolf. Like he’s in pain.”
Chapter 17
All four women raced toward the animal sounds. Tess got to the den first, and found Rolf Pedersen lying on the couch, struggling with a nightmare. He still cried out. She went to wake him but Miss Betty held her back with one wiry arm.
“Don’t touch him, child. He’s likely to come up fightin’.”
Instead, the housekeeper said in a loud voice, “Wake up, son! Wake up! You’re safe at home now.” She kept repeating her words.
As Paula looked on, for the first time seeing the extreme of what PTSD could do to a man, Rolf finally seemed to hear. Tess joined her voice to Miss Betty’s, urging him to wake.
He struggled as if he was trapped in layers of bad dreams. His arms moved convulsively and he shot upright, suddenly wide awake, with his fists clenched as if to fight his invisible enemy.
“You’re all right, son,” the housekeeper soothed, speaking slowly. “You’re here on the Selkirk ranch in Wyoming. You just had a bad dream. That’s all.”
Rolf’s eyes were wild. His expression was desperate. Then, comprehension seemed to seep in, and he shut down. He wiped his face clean of any expression. He deliberately relaxed his fingers.
Miss Betty gave the young women a significant look. “We’re eatin’ dinner in the kitchen. We’ll just go back there. You join us when you’re ready.”
Paula obediently moved toward the doorway, shaken by the force of Rolf’s nightmare. Did JD suffer the same way? Rolf’s closed expression told them he wouldn’t discuss what had happened, not even with Tess, who had spent an entire day and night in the close confines of the Humvee with Rolf. Tess stared at Rolf, a tear streaking her face. She’d reached out an arm in his direction. The housekeeper gave Tess a nudge. “Come on, child.”
They cleared out.
Twenty minutes later, the women were still sitting at the kitchen table, drinking tea. Rolf had not joined them.
Addie asked Tess, “Does JD have nightmares, too?”
Tess checked the doorway before replying, “I don’t think Rolf can hear us.” Her fingers played with the cardboard at the end of her tea bag. “Probably. JD has plenty of mean things to say, but he won’t talk about his time in the service.”
“I’ve been reading up on PTSD, and I’ve talked to the VA doctors, too.” Paula said. “Every person experiences it differently but there are some common threads.”
“Such as?” Addie asked.
“I get the impression that it’s a toss-up between survivor guilt and just plain everyday guilt.” At Addie’s puzzled look, Paula continued. “The doctor I talked to said, for instance, if a soldier drove down a road in dangerous territory orders would be to stay in the middle of the road and not stop or turn for any reason. But what should the driver do if a civilian is standing in the middle of the road? Run the civilian over? Or stop or turn, and possibly run into a trap that could kill everyone in the Army vehicle?”
“That’s a tough one,” Addie said. “Whatever choice you’d make, you could be wrong.”
Paula nodded. “The other thread the doctor told me about was survivor guilt—something most of us experience in small doses.”
“Like, why was I chosen prom queen when Becky was prettier and really, really wanted it and now she’s heartbroken?” Tess asked.
Paula smiled. Trust Tess to find a humorous angle to a very heavy topic. “Probably. If you feel guilty about winning.”
Miss Betty said, “Life is full of twists and turns, but we usually have time to absorb them slowly. Anybody’ll tell you that if somethin’ really bad happened to ’em, it takes a long time to get over it—or they never do.”
A sobering thought. What if Rolf never got over whatever haunted him? And what if JD was holding inside similar pain, fear, or anger? Or guilt?
It was after dark when Miss Betty got a phone call. She said, “That was Baron. Says they’re on their way back here.”
A long half-hour passed before they finally heard the sound of the Humvee returning. Paula compulsively checked the window every few minutes. She told herself it was because the wind kept increasing. In reality, she was worrying over JD, worrying that he wasn’t really up to the job of working with the ranch hands all day. He’d been in the hospital a very long time.
Miss Betty got busy around the kitchen, directing the women to help her lay out food again. She’d turned leftovers into hearty meat sandwiches, with hot tomato soup to go along.
Rolf ambled in, running his hand through his hair. He looked back to normal. No one said anything about his nightmare.
JD and Baron arrived in good spirits, their clothes covered with hay and snow. To Paula
’s eyes JD looked ready to drop even though he was clearly exhilarated. They described what they’d done all day and declared the mission a success. The men didn’t have much left in them, but they ate heartily. After a bit, they answered the women’s excited questions with monosyllables. Rolf said nothing at all. Paula and Tess sat at the counter while the men sat at the kitchen table. Addie sat at the table next to Baron.
After a while, Miss Betty aimed a significant look at Paula and she took the hint. “It’s been a long day. I hope you all will excuse me if I go to bed as soon as I finish my tea?”
Addie said, “Why don’t we do the same? Come on, Baron. You look beat.”
Tess finally got the message. “Oh, okay, if nobody has the stamina to stay up past dinner, I’ll go to my room, too, but you’re all spoilsports.”
Rolf smiled at her. “And you’re a crazy lady looking for more crazy.”
Tess left the room but came back a minute later holding a plastic grocery sack. She held it out to JD.
“What is it?” he asked.
“I brought your battery charger,” she said. “For your leg.” She held out the bag.
“Is that what that is?” Rolf said. “I thought you brought a hair dryer or something. You guarded it all the way across the state.”
She cast him a scornful glance. “Microprocessors don’t work without a charge. Duh.” She swept out of the room.
Paula stifled a smile. Not much love lost there despite all those hours together in the Humvee. Time for her to vanish, too. She’d dawdled, hoping to catch a glance from JD, but he’d never looked at her. Not once.
***
JD and Rolf were left alone in the kitchen. Miss Betty had cleared all the dishes and was banging around in the pantry. They should get out of her way so she could finish up.
JD led the way to the great room. “My Dad always used to keep a bottle behind the unabridged dictionary,” he said.
He reached around the massive volume and touched glass. “Still there.”
His questing hand found glasses. He poured Rolf a shot and one for himself.
“Thanks for making the trip out here. The Selkirks owe you one.”
Rolf shook his head. “Nah. Great experience to be the savior on the highway and not have to worry about being shot at or blown up. Your sister kept me entertained the whole way out. Kept me from thinking about what happened to you and Rob. She’s sure a firecracker.”
JD laughed. A minute later, he said, “Being in the Hummer today was interesting. Out here the only threat is the treacherous terrain. And the hellish weather.”
After a few minutes of silent drinking, JD said, “I’ve had enough. Leave you the bottle?”
“Sure.” Rolf was contemplating something unpleasant. All the guys had those moments. They could be sitting in a comfortable chair like Rolf was and suddenly they’d be back at the moment when a firestorm of gunshots erupted. Or an IED blew.
Rolf let out a long breath, obviously unhappy to say his next words. “I’d prefer to stay somewhere isolated tonight. I had a major nightmare this afternoon. The den wasn’t all that dark and I thought I’d be okay. Wound up yelling my head off. The women all came running. Must have thought I was a crazy man killing a bear or something.”
He didn’t have to tell JD why. “Tried sleeping with the lights on?”
“That ever do you any good?”
JD shook his head. “Nope.”
“Me, neither.” Rolf looked into his glass. “Civilians don’t understand.”
JD frowned. “They don’t. Although there’s a theory that lots of people have PTSD from all kinds of sources. That’s what the hospital shrink told me when she was trying to convince me to do regular therapy sessions.”
That caught Rolf’s interest. “Did you sign up?”
“Turned her down. The personnel at the VA are stretched thin. Guys down the hall needed help more than I did.”
“That the truth?”
“They’re howling every night.”
Rolf shook his head. “How do you stand it?”
“At first, I was on so many drugs I didn’t notice. Later, it reminded me I was alive. You know how it is. You wake up disoriented. The shouts told me where I was.”
Rolf stared ahead, clearly thinking about the past. He sighed. “Got a confession. My hitch wasn’t up. The docs put me on the psych list. I was shouting every night. Waking up in a cold sweat after nightmares, whatever. Didn’t even know I was doing it, but the CO turned me in after the other guys reported me—for my own good, they said.”
“They didn’t trust you not to freak out?”
“Something like that. It’s not as if I ever did anything weird, but the constant nightmares weren’t a good sign. Or so they claimed.”
“So we’re both out and they won’t take us back,” JD said.
“Right. Kicked me out with a medical discharge before I got shot or blown up. Had me try some drug therapy but I hated it. I signed myself out and stayed out. Finally got up the nerve to go see Rob’s widow, and then come see you. Watching the two of you get blown up wasn’t the best moment in my life.”
JD said nothing. What was there to say? He thought about the IED every day. Sometimes every hour.
After a few more minutes of contemplating the unpleasant realities of life in his head, he said, “I gave more orders today than I have in a year and a half. Good to do useful work.”
“I pulled a few people out of snowbound vehicles on the way here. Liked it,” Rolf said. “Wish I could have ordered your sister around, but she’s a force of nature. Kept her eyes pealed on the trek and pointed out one car after the next. Some of them completely covered.”
JD asked, “Were you lucky?”
“Yeah. No dead bodies. She doesn’t know how unlikely that was. EMTs told me after a couple of days they mostly find fatalities.”
“Probably lucky because the storm was so fast. Where’d you sleep this afternoon?”
“Sacked out in what must be a TV room. A den. Thought I’d just rest my eyes.”
“Was there trouble?”
“The old lady—you call her Miss Betty—was smart enough to hold Tess back. She was about to jump on me. I could hurt a woman in that charged up state.”
“You planning to stay up tonight to beat it?”
“What else?” Rolf said, a sorry note in his voice.
JD said, “Got an idea. One of the guest rooms has two beds. We used them for kid sleepovers. Why don’t we both bunk there? If you have another nightmare and start shouting, I’ll wake up and toss a shoe at you.”
“I’m in.” Rolf said. “As long as it’s not the shoe with a leg attached.”
JD punched Rolf’s shoulder and led the way to the stairs. It was a plan that would keep Paula away from him, too. He didn’t want to deal with her right now. For some reason JD didn’t think too hard about, he didn’t mind Rolf seeing him take off his fake foot and attach the battery to the charger. He wouldn’t have wanted Paula to see that.
Chapter 18
Around three a.m., Rolf did wake up shouting. JD stirred, said a few blistering cuss words, and drifted back to sleep. Happened a couple more times that night. JD felt right at home, only the bed was a lot softer than the one back at the VA.
In the morning, Rolf was already showered and dressing when JD finally woke. “Thanks for hanging in last night.”
JD stretched and sat up. “Anytime. Have you talked to any of the docs about a way to stop it?” He swiveled and leaned down to pick up his crutches.
Rolf shrugged. “They want me to do exposure therapy. Who in his right mind wants to do that?”
The words followed JD as he hobbled swiftly to the bathroom. After doing his business, JD said, “At my VA, they’re into cognitive behavior therapy.” He began shaving. “It’s like exposure. I want to forget the past, not talk about it.”
Rolf said a heartfelt, “Got you, brother. Trouble is, the nightmares don’t stop. Makes me unfit to be aroun
d normal people, but I don’t want to live in a VA hospital, either.”
“Not too fond of the VA myself,” JD said. He realized he meant it. He’d been there too long. Just like Paula said.
Over the sound of running water, Rolf’s voice came almost wistfully from the bedroom. “I should live way out here where it’s peaceful.”
JD let out a crack of laughter. “Don’t kid yourself. The storm quieted everything down, but on a ranch this size there’s gunfire on a daily basis.”
“Tess tells me you’ve got a huge spread. Are you sure there isn’t some little spot where I could find peace and quiet?”
JD thought about it while he showered. The Selkirk ranch included several ranch houses, some of them unoccupied for decades. Former homes of ranchers who had given up and moved away. The outlying crews stayed in some of them, but others were empty. Probably in rough shape. Baron might know which. Their dad would for sure. Maybe Baron was right and they should carve the huge Selkirk ranch back into smaller pieces. Take a couple of those old ranch houses and turn them into wounded warrior rehab facilities. They could use sweat equity to do some of the work, the way those charities operated where people built their own houses. Use some of the skills vets already had, and build up others. Once they had one building up and running, they could branch out and do more, or work on specialized cattle breeding programs. Or something.
When he was out of the shower, he posed the rough idea to Rolf.
Rolf liked it. “I know at least twenty guys who could use some time out here where it’s peaceful. Starting with me.”
“Let me think on this,” JD said. “We’d have to provide a lot of services, get medical certifications, find funding, the works. The land is definitely available. Our family melded a lot of old properties to form this ranch, but there’s nothing stopping us from separating some of it out again.”
Chapter 19
At breakfast in the dining room, they all talked about how the wind was still very high.
Saving the Soldier (Selkirk Family Ranch Book 2) Page 13
