“Were you in the Bay Area at the time of the fires?” I asked, as we continued our brisk walk through the neighborhood. I had slowed down to let Jody catch up and we walked side by side, turning onto a side street that had sidewalks rather than trying to navigate the main road.
“I’d just started medical school. I remember seeing the smoke all the way from Palo Alto, far across the bay. It went on for days.”
“Yeah, it was awful. Many months later my dad piled the entire family into our minivan, and we drove out here from Folsom to see the damage. I kept thinking of all the animals that died that day, and the people of course; I was ten at the time and really into wildlife.”
“Do you have a pet?”
“No. My life is a little too hectic right now.”
“What’s your schedule like now that your season is technically over?”
“I go to the gym almost every day. I can’t afford to get fat and lazy during the off-season ’cause it’ll be that much harder to get in shape in the spring.”
“It never hurts to plan ahead.”
“That’s right,” I agreed. “What about you? What do you do on your days off?”
“Oh, a little bit of everything. I have two days off each week, but they’re not always consecutive, so my free time is precious.”
“How often do you work out?”
“Every day. I have a Bowflex in the garage, and I try and run every morning for my cardio.”
“It shows.”
“Thanks,” he replied, seemingly pleased that I’d noticed.
“Are you seeing anyone?” I asked, curious about his love life.
“Not right now.”
“Do gay men date like straight people, or do they just see someone they like and hook up?”
Jody smiled at me, evidently amused by my curiosity.
“I didn’t mean that the way it sounded,” I said quickly, wondering if I’d put my foot in my mouth again.
“It’s okay,” Jody said. “Most of us are just like everyone else, Clark. We have the same fears and desires, the same insecurities.”
“I thought gay men just fucked around randomly.”
“You’re buying into all the movies and stories about us,” Jody said, changing his walk into an exaggerated strut. “The gay predator,” he growled, lowering his voice and trying to sound sexy.
I huffed out a laugh and said, “Yeah, like those guys on TV.”
He stopped moving and stared at me for a minute, waiting for me to slow down. “The reality is that the majority of us are just looking for love, like everybody else. We want someone to come home to, to listen to us when we bitch, to hold at night. We’re no different from the rest of the world.”
“I didn’t know.”
“Most heteros think that because we’re gay, all we think about is sex. I know there are gay men like that, just like there are straight men that go from girl to girl, but most of us aren’t much different from you. We all want the same things, Clark.”
“Have you ever had a long-term relationship?”
“Once.”
“What happened?”
“Long story,” he replied, looking away. He seemed to be remembering something horribly painful because his eyes were welling up with tears, making me feel like a shit for even bringing it up.
I reached out and touched him lightly on his arm. “It’s cool, Doc. We don’t have to talk about it.”
He huffed out a wry laugh. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to get all drama queen on you.”
“No worries.”
“Do you have anyone special?” he asked, as we resumed walking.
“There’s this girl, Nikki.”
“Is she your girlfriend?”
“No!” I was pretty adamant when I said that, so he looked really confused and shook his head.
“Then why mention her?”
“Nikki’s one of our cheerleaders, plus I’ve known her all my life. We grew up together, you know, same town, same schools, same love for the sport.”
“Same bed?”
“Yeah,” I admitted. “I guess you could call her a fuckbuddy.”
“Oh.”
“She’d like more, except I’m not feeling it, you know?”
“But you’re fucking her? That’s cold, isn’t it?”
“I know. I keep meaning to break it off, but it’s tough. She really loves me.”
“Doesn’t she realize it’s one-sided?”
“She’s in denial—keeps thinking I’ll wake up one day and be madly in love. It ain’t gonna happen!”
“Have you ever been in love?”
“No.”
I moved ahead and started to jog in a slow, comfortable gait. I looked over my shoulder and saw that Jody was running as well, picking up speed, and trying to catch up with me. I don’t know why I was running from him, but I just felt I had to get away from his all-knowing eyes and probing questions.
He took the lead, and I let him, since this was his neighborhood and it was dark. Plus, I had no clue where we were headed. We turned a corner, and I realized we were back on the main road, heading back up the hill towards the side street where he resided. All of a sudden, a black Escalade roared up and would have hit Jody if I hadn’t tackled him off to the side of the road. We landed in a shallow ditch, shocked that the car kept on going, not even slowing down for a second.
“What the fuck!” I was a little shaken by the close call, but unhurt. “Are you okay?” I asked, seeing that Jody was flat on his back.
“Yeah. I think I may have twisted my ankle though.”
“Here, let my help you.” I stood up and moved over to where he lay. I squatted on my heels and moved his left foot slowly. “That hurt?”
“A little.”
“You better lean on me. Come on,” I took his right hand and helped him up. He wobbled on his left foot, keeping the right one off the ground.
“Can’t you put the other foot down?”
“Not yet… hurts.”
He grimaced in pain, and I felt responsible, since I was the one who shoved him.
“I’m really sorry about this. I guess I shouldn’t have been so rough.”
“Are you kidding? I would have been so dead if you hadn’t pushed me. I owe you my fucking life!”
“Here, put your arm around me and let me support you.”
Jody tried to put his arm on my shoulder, but I’m six four and he’s probably around five eleven, so it was awkward. I ended up moving his arm down around my waist and let him lean into me. That didn’t help, so I snaked my arm across his back and under his armpits. I was practically lifting him off the ground so he wouldn’t have to use the injured foot, but our movements were slow, and finally I decided to just pick him up and carry him.
“I feel like Debra Winger in An Officer and a Gentleman.”
“Never saw it.”
“You’re not even panting.”
“I’m pretty strong, Doc.”
“And I’m pretty heavy.”
“What are you, one eighty-five?”
“How’d you guess?”
“I bench-press three hundred pounds on a regular basis. I know my weights.”
“I can see that.”
I stopped a few feet from his house and looked down at the man I had cradled in my arms. My emotions were playing all kinds of tricks on me, one minute delighted that I had him in my arms, the next minute uncomfortable because of the closeness, then just as quickly swinging back to relief that he was safe and with me.
His face was so close, and his lips were tempting as he looked up at me with that killer smile of his. It would have been so easy to lower my head and kiss him, to finally put an end to the curiosity of wondering what it would be like to actually kiss a man, but it would have opened up a whole new set of issues that I wasn’t prepared to deal with. The fantasy would have to stay in my brain, where it belonged.
I made my way up the walk, and I rang the doorbell, waiting for Lil to open up and l
et us in.
JODY lay on the sofa, his leg stretched out in front of him, a big icepack tied to his ankle with a kitchen towel. Lil hovered over him like the proverbial mother hen, making sure his little chick was safe and comfortable. Clark had taken off about fifteen minutes ago, and they were alone in front of the television set.
“Here’s an Advil, sweetie. Take it so the swelling goes down,” Lil said, passing the pill and the glass of water.
“Thanks,” Jody replied. Lil had always nurtured him, taking him under his wing from day one of their friendship.
“Are you in pain?”
“Not from my foot.”
“Oh, sweetie… you’ve got to let this go.”
Jody stared at his best friend and shook his head. “I’m really trying.”
“He is fucking gorgeous.”
“It’s more than what he looks like, Lil.”
“I know! He’d be easier to resist if he were the usual, piece-of-shit jock, but he’s so adorable, you just want to squeeze him.”
“Among other things,” Jody groaned.
“Oh, Jodes, you’re doing it again.”
“It’s not the same,” Jody protested. “He’s nothing like Rick.”
“But the situation is. You know that nothing good will come out of this.”
“You don’t know this for a fact. I can feel a connection with him, He’s attracted to me; I know it!”
“I don’t doubt that for a minute. He was eating you up with his eyes tonight.”
“Really?” Jody answered, unable to hide his smile. “When?”
“When, not? He couldn’t take his eyes off of you, but that’s not the point.” Lil jumped from the sofa and paced. “You’re opening your heart again—to the wrong guy. At least Rick was gay! Clark’s not even from our world, Jody. He’s too deep in the closet and may end up hating you or worse for shaking up his world.”
“He’d never hurt me. He’s not like that.”
“How long have you known him?”
“Not long enough, I know. Stop nagging.”
“You’re thinking with the wrong head.”
“Guilty as charged.”
“I realize you need to get laid but he’s the wrong choice.”
“I want him.”
“You can’t have him.”
“Why the fuck not?”
“Because, it would never work.”
“Bullshit!”
“You are the most stubborn man!” Lil accused, his arms akimbo. He glared at Jody.
“It’s my Midwest upbringing,” Jody smiled, trying to win him over. “We’re a tenacious lot.”
“Don’t you be training those puppy-dog eyes at me, Dr. Williams. You are not going to listen to a single word of advice, are you?”
“I hear everything you say.”
“But you will do exactly what you want, like you always have. Haven’t you had enough tragedy for one lifetime?”
“Rick and I were happy.”
“Not for long, but you knew that would happen from the get-go, yet you forged ahead, like the fucking Marines.”
“Like I said,” Jody answered quietly. “Tenacious.”
“Oh, sweetie. What am I going to do with you?” Lil wrapped Jody in his arms and held him tightly.
Chapter 7
TUESDAY night I nervously sat at Round Table Pizza, waiting for Nikki to arrive. I had just started on my second bottle of Corona when they placed the extra-large double-pepperoni, double-cheese pizza in front of me. It was oozing grease and looked delicious, but my stomach was in knots, worrying about where the conversation with Nikki would go. She finally showed up, ten minutes late.
“Hi, Clark!”
“Hey.”
She slid into the booth across from me. Her hair was up in some kind of twisty thing. She barely had any makeup on, except for that shiny stuff that made her lips look totally kissable. And I thought again, how simple this could be, if I just put my mind to it. There wasn’t one part of her that wasn’t desirable. Yet I knew she wasn’t what I wanted.
“What did you want to talk about?” she asked, all excited.
“I think that it’s time you started dating other people,” I said, colder than I intended, but before I changed my mind.
“What!”
“I mean it. Why are you wasting your time with me?”
“I don’t consider being with you a waste of time,” she said, her eyes already starting to swim with tears. I felt sick, and I automatically reached for her hand.
“You should be with someone who’s willing to make a commitment toward the future. There are a lot of guys out there who would be honored to have you for a wife.”
“I don’t want anyone else. I want you!”
“I’ve told you a million times that it’s not going to happen. I don’t love you that way.”
“You loved me plenty the other night.”
“Nikki, it’s just sex between us. Good sex, I’ll give you that much, but you deserve more.”
“Have you met someone else? That’s it, isn’t it? You’ve met someone you’re attracted to.”
“No! It’s not like that at all.” I ran my hand through my hair and leaned back against the red seat. This was a lot harder than I thought it would be, simply because she really hadn’t done anything different since eighth grade. Why was I pushing her away now? Was it because of Jody and his questions, or was it just the right time for some honesty?
The pizza was still warm when I took a bite, but the sight of Nikki in tears had made me lose my appetite. I could have been eating wood chips for all I knew.
“I don’t care that it’s only sex, Clark. I’d rather have that, than nothing at all.”
“You’re not thinking right. Maybe I have to start thinking for you.”
“No!” Her tears were overflowing and snot was running out of her nose. I grabbed some paper napkins and handed them to her, watching as she mindlessly sopped up her face, all the while looking at me as if I’d betrayed her in the worst way. “All I’ve ever done is love you, Clark.”
“I know, and I love you back… just not the way you want me to.”
“I don’t care! I’ll take whatever I can get!”
“Nikki, it’s wrong.”
She got up and slid in beside me. “Clark, you’ve always been honest, I’ll say that much. I’m the one that’s had illusions.” She seemed calmer now, despite the ongoing tears. “I suppose I was encouraged because we kept on having sex.”
“My fault, I’m a selfish pig.”
“No, you’re not at all. I’m willing to work on this; I just can’t go cold turkey. I’m kind of addicted to you, the way other people are to cigarettes.”
I had to laugh, because her statement was so true. She really was obsessed with me, but I felt comfortable enough to just let this go for now. I’d said my piece, and she’d heard me. The rest of this was going to have to just play itself out.
I put my arm around her shoulder and hugged her. “You’re a great girl, Nik, and a good friend. You should have no problem finding someone you deserve. Let’s lighten up on the phone calls and the visits, okay?”
“Okay,” she said, dubiously.
My decision had ruined the evening, and her reaction had destroyed what little appetite I had to begin with. We ate like robots, weighed down by her melancholy.
“CLARK, it’s Mom.”
I had the phone up to my ear, after being jarred awake by the incessant ringing.
“I know who this is. Jesus, Mom, do you have to call so fucking early?”
“Don’t be disrespectful!”
“Sorry.” I groaned, wishing I could throw the phone up against the wall.
“Your brother had the baby.”
“You mean Linda had the baby.”
“It’s another boy,” she moaned, disappointment echoing in her voice.
“It’s just as well, Mom. She’d have grown up a tomboy with all the men in her life.”
�
��That’s ridiculous, and you know it.”
“Just trying to make you feel better.” I rolled over and smashed the pillow against my morning boner.
“Can you come home and see them?”
“What day is it?”
“It’s Thursday.”
“I’ll come for the weekend. I can’t leave today; I have a session with the doctor.”
“What doctor? What’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing’s wrong, Mom. I already told you, the guy who’s tutoring me is a doctor.”
“I forgot he was a doctor.”
“He’s a friend, who also happens to be a doctor.”
“Is this working?”
“I’m actually learning something.”
“That’s wonderful, sweetheart. So, I’ll see you tomorrow night?”
“Yeah.”
We disconnected, and I lay there, trying to return to sleep. It eluded me though, now that I was awake and, more importantly, thinking of Jody again. I hadn’t seen him since the night of the twisted ankle, but there had been no phone call canceling our session, so I assumed that everything must be okay.
I rolled over again, hugging the body pillow, pressing against the soft fabric and humping it slowly, imagining Jody’s ass underneath me. I had no idea what that would feel like, but I could only imagine that it would be good. Everything about Jody seemed so right. It was getting harder and harder to push the images away, especially when we were together.
The more I got to know him, the more I was drawn to his quiet confidence. He was so easy to talk to, fun to be around. He wasn’t high maintenance like a lot of people I knew; it was effortless and so good. I think the best part about him was that he knew nothing about football. I felt that he actually saw me, Clark Stevens, regular guy.
I PULLED into the driveway at Jody’s house and killed the engine. He’d probably be pissed at me ’cause I hadn’t done my homework. I couldn’t get past chapter seven for some reason. It was probably because I had a lot more on my mind than Shangri-La. The urge to tell Jody what I felt distracted me to no end. I couldn’t get it out of my head, and I wondered if today I would finally have the guts to say something.
Horizons Page 6
