by K E Osborn
I walk toward the penthouse suite door and I can hear music coming from inside. I’m so relieved that they’re here. My heart rate increases and a flutter of butterflies swarm my stomach at the thought of seeing Colt. I can’t believe how, in less than twenty-four hours I could miss him so much. A giant smile crosses my face as I imagine his warm arms wrapping around me holding me tightly to him, his lips on my neck and his warm breath against my skin. My heart does a summersault just thinking about him and how in love with him I am in this very moment and nothing could ever stop me from loving him.
I break from my day dream and knock on the door. I stand waiting for what feels like ages, so I knock again louder hoping to be heard over the music. I hear laughter and then the door opens. My heart stops as I hoped it would be Colt who opened the door. As the door widens it’s Anna and she appears annoyed. She looks at me and then moves the door closed, so only her head is hanging out for me to see. I crease my brow and look at her with a slight grin.
“Anna are you drunk?” I ask while trying to push my way through the door.
She stops me and a terrified look crosses her face. I instantly become alert and my heart rate increases exponentially.
“Lia, I think you should go and wait next door. Colt’s in a… a meeting and as soon as he is... is free I’ll send him to your room. In fact, I’ll come with you. C’mon let’s go,” Anna says sliding her way out of the door without opening it any further. I put my foot in-between the door and the frame to stop it from shutting. An uneasy feeling washes over me. She obviously doesn’t want me to go into the penthouse suite which, of course, makes me want to go in there all the more. She seems to be making excuses for Colt. I knew I shouldn’t have left him the way I did. He’s probably in there drunk off his face and passed out on the floor, and she doesn’t want me to feel guilty for causing it.
“Anna, I’m not as stupid as everyone thinks. What’s going on?”
“Nothing Lia, just trust me. Let’s go next door,” she says taking my arm and trying to pull me toward the suite. I pull my arm from her grip. She’s really scaring me now. I push past her and through the penthouse suite door.
“Lia. Lia wait,” Anna calls out following me inside. The room is filled with naked women everywhere. My breathing starts to quicken as I make my way through the crowds of naked flesh to find Colt. I’m panicking. I need to find him. I make my way through the bedrooms one by one to see people’s bodies entwined in every which way possible. I start to feel sick as I make it to the last room. I open the door and notice beer bottles scattered all over the floor. I look toward the bed and my heart drops through my chest and out of my body. I’m hit so hard that the wind is knocked from me and I think I hear myself gasp. Anna takes my arm as I see Hux and Colt only wearing briefs with a naked Jessi laying over their laps. Hux’s hand is rubbing between Jessi’s legs and Colt’s snorting a line of coke from between her fake tits. He then leans down and rubs his nose along hers and she kisses him grabbing hold of his head pulling her to him. I stumble on the spot. I don’t know if it’s the fact that he’s doing drugs or the fact that Jessi is naked and I have no idea if they’ve gone beyond kissing that’s making me want to puke, but either way my body heaves. The threesome look up at me and Colt’s eyes are bloodshot, wide and glassy as he takes me in.
“Lia?” he says as his lips leave hers. Hux and Jessi start laughing. I feel like I’m floating, like my body’s being dragged away by a gale force wind and I can only just hold on for the agonizing ride. My body can either fight or flee and at this moment it chooses to flee. I turn and try to run, but my previously feather light body is now heavier than concrete. I stagger and push my way through the naked bodies. I can’t seem to get any air, my lungs are squeezing so tightly that all my effort to inhale oxygen is in vein. My head starts to pound and spin as the walls feel like they’re closing in on me. The tears come next and the ringing in my ears is so loud that I can’t hear anything other than my lack of breathing and the constant thud of my chest as I make my way to the front door. I pull it open and rush out to the rail and hold on leaning over the balcony edge panting and crying. I can’t hear anything. I can’t see through the salty water invading my eyes. I can’t breathe… Oh God, I can’t breathe…
“Lia.”
A faint noise rings in my ears as a hand touches my back trying to soothe me. It doesn’t work. I’d rather be dead than feel the way I’m feeling right now. My hands are gripping so tight onto the railing that I have severe pins and needles in them, but I like the pain.
“Lia!”
I hear my name again, but I have no idea who’s saying it, or where it came from. I need air… I let go of the rail and start to stagger. I can’t see as I run my hand along the wall and then crouch over and rest my hand on my knees trying to inhale. It’s not working.
Despair!
Grief!
Anger!
Pure unadulterated anger surges through me as I straighten up and face the wall. I still can’t see through the tears and my heart is ripping through my chest violently. I rest my head against the wall and start to bang against it in despair.
“Lia, baby,” I hear making me want to stab a knife through his chest so he can feel what I’m feeling. I need something, anything to take away the pain in my chest. I pull my head away from the wall and force it forward smashing my forehead violently against it. The pain shoots through my face and I like it. I smash my head again and I can’t hold back a crazed laugh as the pain in my head takes over the pain in my chest. I feel something warm running down my face, but I don’t care. Suddenly I’m pulled away from the wall and arms wrap around me tightly. I struggle free from them and thrash my hands around.
I still can’t see, but I know it’s him.
The throb in my head becomes more apparent and I start to laugh as I back myself up against the wall and then slide down it to the ground. I’m losing my mind. I start to feel air slowly creeping its way back into my lungs. I take in deep breaths and try to ease the burn in my chest. Slowly noises from the outside world come creeping back in. The music’s stopped and I can hear light whispers all around me. My eyes are clenched tightly as I feel the warm liquid pool at my chin. My sore forehead is resting against my knees. I wrap my arms around my legs holding myself in a tight ball sitting against the wall. I think I’m rocking. I feel myself moving, but it’s happening involuntarily.
“Lia?” I hear Anna say as she squats down next to me. Beautiful, wonderful Anna. I open my eyes and look at her. Her face is a fog. Her hands touch my cheeks and she wipes my eyes making them a little clearer. She has tears in her eyes, her brows are furrowed and she looks really worried.
“Is it a dream?” I mumble through a croaky voice.
She swallows a lump in her throat and winces shaking her head slightly.
“Fuuuuuuuuuuck,” I scream making her jump. The pain’s back so I slam my palm into my forehead repeatedly until Anna grabs my hand and stops me.
“Lia, stop hurting yourself,” she says and takes hold of both of my hands.
“I… I... didn’t think you were coming back,” a voice softly breaks through the fog. I look up to see Colt sitting on the floor opposite me and he looks terrified… but more importantly, he looks high.
Anger.
Resentment.
Pain.
Pain… the pain is back. Just looking at his face makes me want to die. He’s having trouble keeping his eyes open as he blinks rapidly.
“I hate you,” I mumble while I glare at him, my breathing heavy and my fists clenched.
“Lia—”
“I hate you!” I yell loudly, he flinches as his bottom lip quivers.
“How could you? You know how much I love you, Colt. I would’ve done anything. Gone anywhere. Been anyone for you. I fucking loved you!”
He winces and I watch as a tear falls down his cheek. “Loved?” his voice cracking.
“Yes, loved, as in past tense now, Colt. How can I love a drug
fucked cheater?” I spit at him as his head dips like he’s falling asleep and then jolts backup suddenly.
“Oh my God. You’re so bloody high you probably won’t even remember this conversation.”
“You left me, Lia! You. Left. Me.” he yells.
“I went to visit my sick father you arsehole. I didn’t leave you. I was always coming back. You just heard what you wanted to hear. You’ve always wanted to go back to your old lifestyle, well now you can. You want out, Colt. Well, now you got it. I’m done!” I say looking at his eyes glazing over, they close and his head falls to the side. I sit looking at him in bewilderment. My anger is back with a vengeance. I stand up and walk over to him pushing his shoulder. His body falls to the floor and a slight snore escapes his mouth. My nostrils flare and I kick his foot hard.
“Fuck you, Colter Slade.” I look up at all the people watching me. I storm over to my luggage and pick it up dragging it behind me.
“Good riddance,” Jessi blurts out as I walk past her.
“At least I’m not a nobody vapid whore, that’s so loose everyone can see what you’ve had for breakfast every time you open your vulgar filthy legs,” I spit meaning every word. Her mouth drops open and I hear a few snickers around me. I’ve never hated someone the way I hate Jessi right now. I look over at Colt passed out in the hall and I feel numb. Completely void of all emotion. I walk across to Anna who’s being held by Johnny.
“Thanks for everything, Anna. Johnny you’re a great guy, look after Anna for me,” I say and lean in to embrace my best friend for the last time.
She starts to cry as she holds me tightly, not wanting to let me go. “I don’t know how I’ll cope without you here, Lia. Please don’t go,” she begs pulling at my heart.
“I don’t belong here, Anna. I never did. You survived before I came along. You’ll be fine after I’m gone. I can’t stay, not now. Not when my supposed boyfriend, who supposedly loves me, can’t even stay awake long enough to watch me leave him.” She starts to sob and I feel a stab through the numbness, but I quickly push it to the side as I let Anna go and she melts into the arms of her husband. “I love you Anna, you’ll always be the best friend I ever had,” I say and then pick up my luggage and walk away feeling nothing but emptiness.
I step into the elevator and turn back to look at the people I once called friends. Colt’s passed out on the floor, Dingo and Sia squatting next to him trying to slap him awake. Anna crying into the chest of Johnny. Hux staring at the ceiling. He must be high and doesn’t realise what’s going on. I look back at them and feel nothing. At this moment, I know leaving is the right thing for me.
The cab ride to the airport is quiet but surreal. The early morning crispness floods in through the open window onto my hot face as I gaze out into the quiet streets of Berlin. I’m glad the flight home to London is only just under two hours. I’m not sure I could handle anything longer. Luckily the Berlin Schönefeld Airport is open twenty-four hours a day and hopefully I don’t have to wait too long for a flight. I pull a compact out of my purse to assess the damage done to my forehead. The driver looked at me strangely when I got into the cab, so I know there must be some kind of mark there. I open it up and look at the bright purple bruise surrounding a swollen cut on the left side of my forehead. I instantly feel the ache and wince as I touch the clotted blood over the cut. I have a line of semi-dry blood down my cheek and I look down to see it splattered on my white vest. I exhale and take a tissue from my purse and begin to blot the blood line from my face. We pull up at the airport and the driver takes out my luggage and looks at me sympathetically. I don’t speak German and he doesn’t speak English, but I can see that he’s concerned for me.
I nod at him and manage a half-smile. “Thank you.”
I take my luggage and head inside the airport looking for the closest restroom so I can change out of my bloodstained vest. I honestly don’t want the attention it will bring to me. I find a restroom and because it’s so early in the morning, there’s no one else in here. So, I lay my suitcase down and unzip it taking out a clean shirt. I pull my vest off and replace it with a black shirt. I zip up my suitcase and then look in the mirror to see the full extent of the damage. I’m stunned at what I see looking back at me. I’m pale, except for the massive cut and bruise on my forehead. I have black bags under my swollen red puffy eyes and it’s obvious I’ve been crying from the redness above my top lip and on my nose. I always go bright red there every time I cry. I take hold of the basin and just look at the mess that I have become, at the girl I don’t recognize anymore. I thought he was making me a better person, turns out he actually turned me into a person I detest. Someone who can’t feel anymore. I felt so much when I was with Colt, but now he’s made me hollow, a shell of the girl I once was.
I don’t feel anything.
Nothing.
Not sadness.
Not anger.
Not pain… absolutely nothing. I’d rather feel anything than this endless pit of black despair. It’s like my heart has been sealed inside a box and buried under concrete.
I turn on the tap and cool water rushes out. I pool my hands under and splash the water onto my face. I pull some paper towel from the holder on the wall and pat my face dry. A cleaner walks in with her trolley and stops dead. She raises her eyebrow assessing the damage to my forehead.
“Liebling, ist alles in Ordnung?” she says.
I smile at her. “Ich spreche kein Deutsch,” I reply, which is the only thing I know how to say in German.
She smiles and walks over to me. “English?” she asks and I nod.
“I ask if everything is all right honey? You look sad, no?” She pulls something from her apron pocket and hands it to me. I look down and see her place a small band aid in my hand. I smile and look up at her, she nods and looks at the cut on my forehead.
“Yes, very sad,” I say even though I don’t feel it. I know I should be. I look in the mirror and place the round band aid on my cut, even though it’s not bleeding anymore it helps to hide some of the bruising, and I’m grateful for that. “Thank you,” I say holding up the band aid rapper. She smiles and places her hand on my arm.
“Can hardly see now, yes,” she says with a smile. I nod and she lets my arm go and I pick up my luggage and walk to the door. I turn back to look at her once more and she smiles brightly and I smile in return. I walk out to the main ticketing area and up to the service desk. Luckily there’s a flight that leaves in an hour and a half and if I get my luggage checked right now I might just make the boarding call in time. My body goes into auto pilot, just doing what it has to, to survive and to get me from A to B. I sit in a window seat on the plane and normally I’d need one of Tamara’s magic pills to stop me from panicking, but because I feel nothing, I don’t need it. I stare out at the blackness with tiny lights glistening down below getting smaller and smaller. My mind starts to wander to where the hell am I going to go when I get back to London. I can’t go back to the manor, Daddy would just rub it in my face and say I told you so, over and over. I don’t want to go to the Hyatt because that will just remind me of him, so I guess that only leaves one option.
Joseph.
The cab pulls up at the curb of my old condo that I shared with Joseph. The street is quiet because it’s just before dawn, still black, but the birds are starting to sing happily.
Damn birds.
I step out onto the pavement and look up at my old home, it looks exactly the same. It hasn’t changed, but I surely have. I pay the driver and take my luggage and walk up to the front door. I still have my keys, so I get them out of my bag and unlock the door. I walk inside. The lights are on and I hear a hard slapping sound coming from in the lounge room. I stand there confused as Joseph shouldn’t be up yet. I close the door to hear a grunt and some heavy breathing.
What the hell?
I put my luggage down quietly and walk through the entryway to the lounge room. My eyes widen at the sight and I blink a few times to take in what e
xactly it is that I’m seeing. Joseph’s bent over the arm of the lounge being rammed up the arse by another man. And he’s loving it.
“Holy fuck,” I say louder than I should have. They both look up at me and Joseph’s face is horrified. His eyes widen and he stands up as the guy behind him pulls out and looks at me confused. My hand rushes to my mouth when they both face me and I see everything. Seeing Joseph doesn’t bother me, I’ve seen him naked a million times, but this other guy I’ve never seen before and wow is all I can say.
“Jesus Lia, can’t you knock?” Joseph asks as he hands a cushion to his friend. The man places the cushion in front of his junk and smiles at me halfheartedly.
I suddenly feel something. A surge forms in my stomach and rips through me quicker than I know what’s happening. My mouth opens and I laugh.
Hard.
So hard that I have to steady myself on the wall and lean over holding my reverberating stomach.
“Lia, seriously?” Joseph states, looking at me confused. “I can’t believe you’re laughing. Shouldn’t you be shocked or something?”
I laugh harder.
“Lia, as in your ex, Lia?” the well hung guy asks in an American accent.
“Yes,” Joseph exclaims as he stands there naked with his hands on his hips unimpressed.
“The one who’s dating Colter Slade?”
I stop breathing.
I literally stop breathing at the mention of his name.
My chest tightens and my laughter quickly turns to sobbing.
Seems I can feel something after all.
“Hey, hey what’s going on?” Joseph asks walking toward me as the tears fall down my face. He stands in front of me and his face contorts with what seems like rage. “What the hell is this, Lia? If he hurt you I swear to God—” Joseph says pointing to my forehead.
“No, that wasn’t him, that was me. I smashed my head into the wall after I saw him snorting coke from a naked slut’s tits. We argued and he passed out. So I left,” I answer as he wraps his arm around me pulling me toward the lounge.
