by K E Osborn
“How you doing?” he asks holding me tightly. I feel every inch of him, but it surprises me at how I don’t feel any connection at all from it. No awkward weirdness. No attraction. Nothing, just a friend helping a friend and I’m so glad for that.
“I actually can’t wait to get in there, I think I can smell myself.”
“In we get,” he says picking me up off the ground so I don’t have to walk and he carries me into the shower alcove. He slowly turns me around so I’m under the water and the feeling is amazing. I think I actually smile. He rests my feet on the floor and I wrap my arms around his neck loosely. I move my head under the water and let it caress my face and hair. I forgot how good a shower can feel. Then my mind starts to drift as I remember the first time I had a shower with him. How amazing his hands were at washing me and how he used to massage my scalp. My chest tightens and I squeeze my eyes so tightly trying to forget and force the memory out, but it doesn’t work, all my senses are attuned to him and all want is his hands on me.
“Hey,” Joseph says bringing me back into the now. I open my eyes and look at him. I can’t believe how perfect he has been. A girl couldn’t ask for better support than Joseph. He brings his hand up to my face and wipes a tear I didn’t know had fallen.
“I will always be here for you. I love you, Lia.” And hearing that. Those three little words that I wanted to hear most from that one person, and knowing I never will, I break down. My tears explode and I sob into my hands. Joseph pulls me into his chest and I wrap my arms around him as my legs go weak and he holds onto me tightly. He holds me for longer than I thought possible and eventually my sobs subside to a slow trickle and unsteady breathing. He takes out the body wash and washes me completely as I stand there in a daze. He then washes my hair and the tears start again when he massages my scalp. I’m wrinkled, but Joseph makes sure that I’m completely clean before turning off the water. He walks with me out of the alcove and takes a towel wrapping it around his waist and then wrapping my hair in another, and then drying me with another. I hold myself up against the towel rail as he runs the towel up and down my legs.
“Lia, can you promise me something?” I look at him and nod my head slightly. “You need to eat. Once you’re dressed I’m taking you downstairs and you’ll sit with Danny while I heat us up something for us to eat.”
“I don’t want Indian. I can still taste it coming back up,” I say as he leans over and grabs my toothbrush.
“No, I froze the leftovers. I was pretty sure you wouldn’t want it again today. We’ll just start with something light, how about my world famous omelet?” he asks handing me my toothbrush with the toothpaste on it. I nod and start to brush my teeth getting rid of the fuzz that’s invaded my mouth. Once he dresses me in some comfortable pyjamas and helps me blow dry my hair, he opens the en-suite door. We both look into my room to see Danny sitting on the edge of my bed watching us. He looks like he’s really hurting, and I guess we didn’t stop to think that Joseph showering with his ex would be a problem with his new partner.
“Feel better?” he asks as Joseph walks me to my bed. I sit down next to Danny and rest my hand on his knee in an attempt to comfort him.
“I do, thanks. I just want you to know that nothing happened. Joseph was helping me out. I couldn’t stand on my own. I’m sorry Danny, you’ve been nothing but nice to me and I honestly wasn’t trying to hurt you. I’m so sorry, please don’t be angry at Joseph. He was only helping I promise,” I say looking into his eyes as Joseph stands back and runs his hand through his hair. I don’t think either of us thought about Danny in this situation, and that makes me feel like a right arsehole.
“My jealousy got the better of me and I peeked into the en-suite when I realised Joseph was in there with you. I heard how upset you were and that he was only trying to comfort you and help you stand up. So at first I was furious, but then I actually think I fell in love with Joseph just that little bit more for helping a friend in need. I know there’s nothing sexual in it, and I know that Joseph loves me, so I just want to say that I’m so proud of you, Joe, and you too, Lia, for accepting the help when you needed it,” he says leaning in and hugging me. I think I absolutely love Danny right now. This so could’ve gone a completely different way. Joseph walks over and takes Danny’s face in his hands and bends down kissing him strongly, he pulls back and Danny smiles.
“I’m sorry, Dan. I should’ve asked you first, but I just heard her slump against the wall and my instincts kicked in. I had to help her and I’m so glad you understand, but I think I just fell in love with you a little bit more too. I don’t know anyone that’d be okay with their partner showering with their ex. You’re truly amazing and I’m so lucky I found you,” Joseph says. Danny stands up and hugs him. I go to stand from the bed and I stumble catching their attention. Danny quickly reaches out and steadies me.
“C’mon let’s get you downstairs, out of this room and on the lounge. Chris Hemsworth is calling your name and is waiting for you,” Danny says wrapping his arm around me. He and Joseph help me downstairs. I managed to sneak my phone into my pyjama pocket so I’ll know when he is calling. I know it’s crazy, but I need it. I know I’m not going to answer, but I just need my phone with me.
I must say that feeling clean and not being in bed wallowing, actually feels good. I don’t feel great and I wouldn’t say I’m happy, in fact, I’m completely miserable. I sit on the lounge next to a cuddling gay couple and it makes me feel inadequate, but it’s still nice to have some company. And these two guys are all the friends I have left.
It’s been three weeks, two days and eighteen hours since I last saw him. I had the IV in my arm for another day after the shower with Joseph and it was amazing how much that helped. Danny’s brother Mark came to check on me, and make sure I was feeling better with the antidepressants which I think are making me feel like a zombie, but at least I’m not feeling like I’m not drowning in quicksand all the time. I have my moments and I definitely wouldn’t say that I’m even remotely close to being happy, but at least I’m eating and putting on a little bit of weight.
I’m lying in bed and today is a bad day. I’m feeling the loss of him. More today than I have in the last week. Probably because I can hear the guys going at it in their room across the hall. I’m glad Joseph’s finally happy and I’m so glad he found Danny. He really is one of a kind. He lets me steal Joseph’s shoulder all the time to cry on, but lately Danny has been there too. He’s really good at putting things into perspective, and I could do with his counselling right now, but obviously he’s a little tied up. I can’t help it as my thoughts turn to him. I grab my mobile phone from the side table and open the photo gallery. The first photo that comes up is of us at the Eifel Tower. I don’t know why I’m doing this to myself, but I keep scrolling through the photos. I get to one of Anna and a tear falls down my cheek. I shake my head and wipe away the tear then place my phone back on the bedside table. I roll over and close my eyes to go to sleep and I hear the vibration. I squeeze my eyes shut until it stops. My breathing increases and I open my eyes waiting for the next call. It comes soon after and I turn my head to watch the phone moving around on the table. The urge to answer is becoming more and more prevalent. I swallow a lump in my throat and the call stops. I turn my body to face the bedside table and watch the phone, waiting. It vibrates again and I can’t restrain myself, I pick it up and swipe to answer the call. My heart stops as I put the phone to my ear. I say nothing as I wait for him to say something.
“Lia, shit Lia. Did you answer?” he asks making my heart flutter at the sound of his voice.
I can’t speak. No words come out only rushed harsh breaths.
“Lia baby, are you there? Talk to me, please,” he begs sounding like he’s almost crying which makes my eyes well up.
God, it’s so good to hear his voice.
“Okay, I know you’re there I can hear you breathing, and if you don’t want to talk to me that’s fine as long as I can hear you breathing
that’s enough for me, baby. God, I miss you, Lia. I know I was a complete bloody arse, but I want you to know that I didn’t sleep with Jessi, not during or after you. I swear.”
I inhale sharply as a pain surges through me. Is it pain or is it a wave of pleasure? I don’t know, all I know is that he sounds sincere and I should’ve known that the paparazzi would bend the truth.
“She’s not having my kid like the papers are saying, baby. She’s not even pregnant or if she is it’s definitely not mine. I never slept with her, Lia. That night... What you walked in on. I’m so sorry. She kissed me and I was so drunk and high that I didn’t do anything to stop her, and I know that’s not any kind of excuse and I’m not trying to find one, I just… I was wasted. I thought you’d left me... for good, and I couldn’t deal with it. I’m not dealing with it very well now either,” he says and then pauses. My tears are now flowing freely as I listen to him trying to gain some composure. “Baby, I miss you. I need you so much. I still get a suite separate to the penthouse, wherever we go just in case you come back to me. I’m so glad you answered Lia, even just to hear your breathing, it’s enough to keep me going. I wish I wasn’t such an idiot. I wish Macy hadn’t fucked me up and made me into this jackass that I am now. I wish I could tell you those three little words that mean so much, and I know how fucking, fucked it is that I can’t say them because I do, so much Lia. I’m a shell of a person without you.”
I can’t hold back a slight sob that escapes my mouth. I raise my hand to cover my mouth, but it’s too late he heard.
“Oh Lia, baby don’t cry. Please don’t. I never want to hear you’re upset. I’m sorry I’m such a dick. Fuck. I’m sorry. You finally answer your phone and I’m totally stuffing this up. Baby, I… Can I just lay here listening to you breathe for a while? If you don’t hang up I know it’s a yes,” he says and I can’t bring myself to hang up, I just want to hear him for as long as possible. “Okay, you haven’t hung up, that’s good. I hope you’re okay. The pictures I saw of you, they killed me, Lia. I hope you’re eating now. I know you’re back at your exes. Hell you might even be back with him, but the fact that you answered gives me a little tiny glimmer of hope and I’ll take anything I can get baby,” he says. I try to talk, but no words will come out, so I close my mouth and sigh. “I miss you. I know I’ve said that already, but I do. I don’t know how I even existed before you came along, and now that you’re gone I’m not existing. I’m breathing. I’m eating and playing concerts, but all I think about is you. I can’t sing your song anymore. I don’t know if you know, but we’ve pulled it from our song lineup. Dingo and Rob weren’t too happy when I refused to sing it. One night in Greece, they tried to trick me into singing it, the guys started playing expecting me to sing, but I got so upset I walked off stage and left the concert. It was only in the encore, so I’d done the show. The crowd only missed out on two or three songs. I felt bad, but those arsehats shouldn’t have sprung it on me like that. They haven’t made me sing it since. There’s only one person I want to sing that song too and she’s on the other end of this line.” I wipe a tear from my cheek and can’t help the smile that appears on my face. “Until the end of time, Lia, ‘I will wait for you until the end of time’,” he sings from the song. I gasp at the sound of his amazing singing voice. I can’t believe I forgot the effect his voice has on me. “Can I call you again? Same time tomorrow? If you don’t hang up I know it’s okay,” he says and I can’t bring myself to hang up. I hear him exhale. “Thank God, I really didn’t want you to hang up, but I’m not ready to hang up now. Can I stay on the phone until I hear you fall asleep?” he pauses and it sounds like he’s holding his breath. I don’t hang up and bite my bottom lip. “Phew okay, so I’m just getting into bed now and I’m going to stop talking so I can hear you breathing and I won’t hang up until I think you’re asleep. Goodnight baby,” he says and I hear him rustling around a bit and then there’s nothing except for both of our breathing on the end of the line. I roll over on my side and put the phone under my ear on the pillow so I don’t have to hold it. I close my eyes and he slowly starts to hum to me like he used to help me sleep. I’m instantly calm and my breathing starts to slow as he hums softly edging me closer and closer to sleep.
I wake from the best night’s sleep I’ve had in a while. I open my eyes and remember that he was on the phone and I must’ve fallen asleep. I pull my head up and grab the phone from the pillow and the screen is blank. I quickly press the button to activate the screen and I swipe it open to see he’s no longer there. I exhale and I don’t know why I’m so disappointed. I guess I thought he might still be there when I woke up. But that’s him, always gone before I wake. I go to put the phone down and it buzzes in my hand. I look at the screen and a text message comes through. It’s from him.
Lia baby, I hope you slept as well as I did. I’m so grateful that you picked up last night. I hung up when I knew you were asleep and I thought I’d send you this message, so you know that I haven’t left you. I have to go do an interview, but I’ll call you again tonight. Same time. <3
I half-smile but don’t reply. I don’t know what to say to him. To know he hasn’t been with Jessi since he met me does make me feel better. But I told him that I couldn’t be with someone who used drugs and I saw him do it, off a naked slut’s tits and that’s the image that I can’t escape – no matter how hard I try.
I put my mobile phone on my side table and get up out of bed. I take the blue pill and swallow it down with half a glass of water.
I’m conflicted. I love him, but I don’t know if he’s still using, and I don’t think that I can talk to him.
Not yet.
Maybe not ever.
I don’t know.
I don’t know anything anymore.
I walk into the en-suite and have a shower. Joseph and Danny have gone back to work, but they call alternatively nearly every hour to check on me. Daddy keeps calling and I’m pretty sure he’s been over a couple of times, but Joseph hasn’t let him in. Thank God! I can’t deal with him, yet. I know he’s probably only worried about me, but I really just want to heal before I get loaded with the ‘I told you so’ and ‘aren’t you glad you found out’ etcetera, etcetera, bullshit, bloody bullshit.
I get out of the shower and dry myself off. I haven’t put on a lot of weight, but I’m only roughly three kilograms off from the weight I was when all this crap started. I look at myself in the mirror and the girl staring back is starting to fade and Delia Norman is reappearing. I exhale, get dressed and walk downstairs to see what masterpiece Joseph has left me this morning. I guess I should’ve really picked up that he was gay. He never liked having sex. He loves to cook and is amazing at it, and his hair always looks a thousand times better than mine, not to mention his dress sense. I mean what straight man wears sweaters on their back and tied around their necks? Not that I am stereotyping or anything.
As usual he’s left me a plate of croissants and fruit cut up into tiny little pieces. I smile and pick up the plate. There’s a Post-it note stuck to the bench underneath it. I pick it up.
There’s a yogurt in the fridge to go with your fruit. Don’t forget to share some with Princess. Love you, J & D xo
I smile and go to the fridge to collect my yoghurt. I eat my breakfast sharing some with Princess on the lounge, which has now become my second home. If I’m not in bed, I’m on the lounge. My life doesn’t consist of much else. I haven’t left the condo since I arrived nearly a month ago, I think I might be starting to get cabin fever, but I’d rather that than going out into the public where those stupid paparazzi are able to get to me.
I pick up the laptop and turn it on. After my call with him last night, I think I’d like to see what he’s been up to. I start up Internet Explorer and type in Google. The page loads and I type into the search engine, ‘Colter Slade’. I sit there for a minute or so with my finger hovering over the enter key.
‘What is once seen, cannot be unseen,’ keeps replaying in my mind.<
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I go to shut the laptop, but I stop myself. I take a deep breath and hit the enter key and a search listing comes up, including lots of pictures of him. Seeing his face takes my breath away. I literally gasp. I can’t take my eyes off the picture of him holding the microphone in one hand and the stand in the other and clearly tattooed on his forearm is L & C ‘Until the End of Time’. I stare at it, it’s as plain as day. My heart beats so fast it’s hard to breathe. Tears start to form in my eyes and I enlarge the photo to zoom in on the tattoo.
He got a tattoo for me?
Wow!
Princess jumps on my lap and her foot hits the keyboard sending the page scrolling down.
“Princess no,” I say and pick her up and put her on the lounge beside me. I look back at the screen and I notice a headline link.
Colter Slade walks off stage at sell-out concert in Greece.
I click on the link and it takes me to a gossip site and there’s a video. I click on it and it’s him finishing ‘Rapture’ and then the music for ‘Until the End of Time’ kicks in and his face contorts like he’s in immense pain. His eyes are watering and looks back at Dingo and yells something. Johnny puts his hands in the air like he has no idea what’s going on. He throws his microphone to the ground causing a large reverb in the speakers and he storms off stage. The crowd boos and the video cuts out. I press the back button for Internet Explorer and a list of links come back. I scroll through the headlines until one catches my eye.
Jessi Bradbrooke tells how she lost her love child with disgraced rock royalty, Colter Slade.
I grit my teeth and open the page. I know I probably shouldn’t, but I can’t help it.
Jessi Bradbrooke, 24, from London never thought that one day she’d be a notch on disgraced rock royalty, Colter Slade’s belt.
