"No you can't. That’s lust talking, not you. Let me go. I'm not doing this with you anymore. When we go back I’m going to tell Kimberly I can't stay here."
"You can’t leave. I won’t let you go. I’ll tell Kimberly the wedding off. Me and you can get married then it will be all right. It will be just like we planned it when we were younger."
"We were children we didn't know what we were saying."
"Yes we did. You reminded me as much when we were on the carriage and so did Cal. And you know why? Because it was meant to be. You and me. That’s just how it is. On some level we've both been frightened of it. Well, no more. I know what I want and I want you. I need you and I know you feel the same way. We have a connect—"
“Stop talking, don't say anymore. I don't want to listen to you or my heart will break. The promise we made to each other was only if Kimberly refused to marry you. She hasn't refused and you’re still engaged."
"But if we go to her together, tell her we want to be together she'd understand. Kimberly doesn't want me, she's never wanted me. Her letters to me were filled with lies. She built my hope up only to trample all over them, the moment I became available. I sent for Kimberly so we could be married but she’s more distant now than she’s ever been."
Clarkson's mention of the letters was exactly what Missy needed to douse the fire raging within her and kick her back to reality. For an instant she had been caught up in Clarkson’s declaration of wanting and needing her. But he never said he loved her.
How could she tell Clarkson Kimberly didn't write the letters that had filled him with hope, she had. She was a substitute a position she didn't mind having if it had meant they could be together. But he'd see what she and Kimberly had done as a betrayal of his trust.
It had felt so innocent at the time.
The way for her to express her unrequited love without barriers had now become the biggest block to any happiness she might have with Clarkson.
Even if Kimberly agreed to release him from his promise of matrimony.
Then again, did she want him knowing his heart still belonged to Kimberly?
He would never truly be hers. Would that be enough for her to contend with for the rest of her life? Didn't she deserve more? Whether she deserved it or not she wanted more. If she couldn't have his love, she couldn't have him.
She needed for him to let her go and put some space between them so she could think. He was a distraction she couldn't afford. He should marry the one he loved. Everyone should. Her marrying Clarkson was just another way of being his crutch, same as always. Missy came to the decision she needed to move on, leave Clarkson and Kimberly's side and venture out on her own. She needed to find someone to love who would love her in return.
With everything in her, she pushed Clarkson away and stood.
"This is it, Clarkson, the last time. I have to leave. I have to leave for me. And find a life for myself without you and Kimberly in it. It feels like I’ve spent my whole life watching out for the both of you, being there for you when you've needed me. It’s time I was there for me, doing what makes me happy. I can't go on like this."
"Where is all this coming from? I thought we wanted the same things."
"Well, you're wrong. I want more."
"What more can I give you? Tell me what it is you need and I'll give it to you?"
"If you have to ask, then you can never give it to me."
"Missy, please don't do this. I’ll do anything. I know my happiness lies with you. I'll beg if you want me, too. "
"I don't want you to beg. I want you to let me go. It'll be easier for both of us if you do. Marry Kimberly and make your happiness with her. I’m tired. I wish I could just close my eyes and go to sleep forever."
"Don't talk like that. Maybe you do need to sleep. Why don't you lie down and rest. I’ll wake you when the storm has passed."
"Thank you. I think I will."
"You go to sleep. But know this Missy, I won't let you go so you can sleep on it and give me your answer when you wake. I won't accept a no. So we could be here for a while."
"I won’t let you bully me, Clarkson. I’ll go to sleep like you suggest, but know this, asleep or awake my answer will still be the same so you’d better get ready to accept that."
Missy lay on the cot and closed her eyes. What was wrong with Clarkson? He never rode Kimberly this hard. If he was just getting more desperate to have a relationship with someone, maybe anyone would do, even that housekeeper he couldn't live without. Missy wanted to spit as soon as the thought of Clarkson and the housekeeper being together entered her mind.
It was official: Clarkson and Kimberly together were the most selfish people on the planet. And she wanted to be free of the pair of them.
Chapter 21
Clarkson wanted to beat his head against the wall. He was right back where he'd started. The lord giveth and the lord taketh away. He’d been so close he felt it in the fiber of his being. Missy had wanted him just as much as he wanted her. She'd backed down from him, but the connection they'd had only moments ago was so strong he refused to believe she hadn't felt it, too.
Why would she refuse his love? He’d even been prepared to go on his knees if she wanted him to. Obviously, like Kimberly, she'd been toying with his affections. Were all women this mean, this complicated?.
Missy’s rejection of him was the worse. He declared his love for her and asked her to stay and she’d thrown it in his face. He couldn’t force her to stay. Well he could, but Cal wouldn't let him, and he didn't want to keep her in his life by force or blackmail. He always thought she loved him. Maybe he was wrong.
He leaned back in the chair and rested his head on the wall, listening to the howling wind outside—taking in the smell of violet, lavender and abandonment.
He snickered, a bitter sound that echoed in the room. He looked over at Missy, but she hadn't stirred. Did abandonment have a smell? If it did, it was sickly sweet. Because that was the smell that hit his nostrils the hardest, coupled with the sour taste in his mouth. The flavor of disloyalty. Seems he couldn’t trust either of the women in his life. First, Kimberly and now, Missy.
However, Kimberly had always been a done deal. He’d expected nothing less. But Missy had been a surprise. He’d always been able to trust her, count on her. Now he didn't know what to think. But it was the last time he was going to tell another woman that he loved her.
Hold on a minute...did he actually tell Missy he loved her? He couldn't remember. Maybe he hadn't said the exact words "I love you." If he had, surely he'd remember it. Even if he hadn't said it, wasn't it implied in everything else he did say? Was that what Missy meant when she said she wanted more?
It had to be. He didn't have anything left to give, unless she meant his money, which she was welcome to. It couldn't be. Missy wasn't materialistic. He'd just have to say the words "I love you" when she woke up and see if that worked. If it didn't, he was all out. Unless he enlisted the assistance of Kimberly. Get her to talk Missy into changing her mind.
Would Kimberly do something like that for him? She'd already warned him if it was a tossup between him and Missy he'd lose. Damn he'd give himself a headache if he kept this up. Better to leave it alone for now. Maybe he could lie next to her and sleep on it too. It's not like they'd be going anywhere any time soon.
He had no clue where the horses were, or even if they’d be able to find them. No one knew which way they went. They could be out here all night.
Somehow the thought pleased him. If they couldn’t leave he’d have more time to convince Missy not to leave him. He stood and walked over to the cot and looked to see if there was room enough for him too. It would be a tight squeeze unless he could shift Missy without waking her.
He'd considered laying on the floor but it was too dusty. He pushed at her back and she moaned but scooched over enough for him for get in too. He buried his face in her hair breathed in deep and closed his eyes.
Clarkson didn't know how long the
y'd slept like that but he didn't want to wake up. Even though he knew he must, his stomach growled. He was hungry and he hadn't checked to see if there were any canned goods or even water. He’d been too busy locking lips with Missy to check what was really important and a means to their survival. He’d better get up and do it now.
Missy was awake too he could sense it, but she wasn't moving and she hadn't left him alone on the cot.
Clarkson wondered how long she been lying there, awake and unmoving. Had she been afraid to move for fear of waking him? He'd have to process that thought a little more and decide whether it was a good thing or a bad thing. One way would mean she cared. The other would mean she was afraid of being alone with him and saw him as a threat. Clarkson hoped to God it wasn't the latter.
Then again, he had tried to bully her more than once. He couldn’t understand why she made him act so crazy, so unlike himself. He was calm, sensitive, and caring. Yet when he had her close like now, a primal instinct took over and he wanted to manhandle her and carry her off somewhere secluded like here.
Clarkson leaped from the cot. What the hell was he thinking?
Waiting for his eyes to adjust to the darkness of the room, he didn't know what time it was, he'd left his pocket watch. At a guess it was either dark or they were now in the belly of the storm. He felt along the side wall, where he'd seen an oil lamp and some matches.
He was glad he didn't use them earlier or it might have burned out by now. He struck a match and looked around the small shack. There was the oil burner. He lit the wick and checked the amount of fuel left in the small burner. The room was instantly shrouded in light.
Missy shifting on the cot caught his attention.
"You're awake?"
"Yes."
"I’m just going to check these cupboards for something to eat and drink. We could be here all night. I don't hear any wind or scratching, so the storm could be over. But no one really knows exactly which way we went and the storm has probably destroyed our tracks. We could be here awhile before they find us. Quicker if the horse headed back, they’ll think we’re in trouble and do a wider search."
"Okay."
So she planned on giving him one word answers. He wouldn't push it, he owed her enough apologies already, there were so many he could build a mountain out of them. He ran his fingers through his hair and stooped down to peer into the cupboard. There wasn't any water but he found about a dozen jars of fruit floating in some kind of liquid.
That would have to do for now.
"There's some jarred fruit would you like some."
"No, thank you."
"Well, that's progress."
"What is?"
"The additional words. I thought I was going to be listening to my own voice, while we have a yes, no and maybe conversation." Who would have thought just seeing the corner of her mouth twitch would provide him with so much pleasure? So she wasn't totally immune to his charms.
He removed one jar, screwed off the lid and smelled it. Then screwed the lid back and placed it on the side. He sat next to Missy on the cot and looked at her from the corner of his eye. He wasn't ready to face her full on yet. But he had to know.
"I'm truly sorry I tried to force you into a corner, and I will accept any decision you make, but I have to ask. Do you still want to leave?"
"It not that I want to, I have to."
"Okay. I'll make the necessary arrangements, when we get back."
"I—"
Whatever she was about to say was lost to the sound of their names being called, a little before the door burst open, and the young man who had saddled their horses came walking through it.
"Am I glad to see you. We were worried, sir, and got even more so when the horses came back without you."
"How did you find us?" Clarkson asked.
"Light travels a fair way here, sir, when there’s nothing else but darkness."
They rode home in silence. As soon as they got to the house, Missy was off her horse and racing through the main entrance, probably to pack.
Clarkson sighed and followed at a much slower pace. He didn't mean to be rude when Susan approached him saying she needed to speak to him, but he wanted to be alone. He needed a drink, a stiff one. He left her standing in the hallway, went into the library, and headed straight for the drinks cabinet and poured.
The glass was pressed to his lips when Missy burst in wide-eyed, all the color drained from her face. He put the glass down and rushed to her side. "What is it? What's wrong?" he asked his hands on her shoulders as he stared into her haunted eyes. If Kimberly did anything to hurt Missy, he'd kill her and think nothing of it.
"It's Kim..."
She couldn't finish her sentence and shoved a letter into his hand, with his name on it. She held her own letter and left him standing in the doorway. He ripped through the envelope, sniffed it, and then read its content.
Dear Clarkson,
I’ve met someone else, and we’re in love. I’m off to get married. Tell my parents they will love their new son-in-law, he’s a prince and sole male, heir of the king of Spain. Take care of Missy. I brought her for you.
Kimberly.
Clarkson laughed; he knew it. He felt nothing but a delicious joy and sense of freedom. He could marry Missy. He was free to ask her now Kimberly had released him. He scrunched up Kimberly’s letter and threw it into the trash. He wished Kimberly and her prince well. Clarkson retrieved his drink and downed it in one gulp.
Chapter 22
Missy sat on the bed in her room, staring at her letter, not wanting to open it and face the truth written for her eyes in black and white, although there was no denying Kimberly was gone. Missy had checked all the rooms and there was no trace of her, nothing to show she was ever there.
When finally she'd given up looking and returned to Kimberly's room she'd seen the letters on her pillow. One addressed to her and the other to Clarkson.
Clarkson had his and she was sure he'd read it by now. So it was her turn to see why Kimberly would simply up and leave her in this situation. This was obviously her plan all along to skip out and leave Kimberly in the lurch.
Tentative fingers tore the letter open. With shaky hands she slipped the paper out of it’s casing and read the words scribbled on the plain, single sheet.
My dearest Missy, my heart.
By the time you will have read this, I will already be married to my Prince. Please take care of Clarkson for me. He has always been yours anyway. Just so you know, I wore that ridiculous dress to show Clarkson which one of us was best suited to him. You like what he likes and I would die of boredom were I to live on the Ponderosa with you both.
I’ve known since we were younger Clarkson was yours, that’s why I used to be so mean to him in the hopes he would turn to you, and he did. I would never have taken him away from you. Be good to each other. It’s up to you to make Clarkson see his true happiness lies with you. Be there for him like you have always been there for me. Until we meet again my friend.
I will miss you dearly. Be happy, Kimberly.
Missy blinked and read the letter over and over. Kimberly had known about her love for Clarkson all these years and said nothing. Missy didn't know whether to laugh or cry. She had spent the better part of the evening steeling herself to leave the man she loved, so as not to be a burden to Kimberly and Clarkson’s relationship.
What was she supposed to do now?
Did she change her mind and stay with Clarkson or should she stick to her guns and leave, too. Why did Kimberly have to make her life more complicated than it needed to be? She as good as told her to go to Clarkson. Missy could hardly honor Kimberly’s wishes to take care of him if she left.
Oh, this was all too much. She didn’t know why she was confused Kimberly had spelled it out for her. Yet she was hesitant. Wasn't this what she’d been praying for when she had solicited that stupid promise from Clarkson to marry her if things didn't work out with Kimberly?
Well now she had
what she wanted, and she didn't want it anymore. She wanted Clarkson to want her because he loved her as much if not more than she loved him. Not because of his need to sate some form of animalistic desire. But that was what he spoke of, his wants and needs.
There was no declaration of love in those words, he’d given her nothing to work with. She had her own wants and needs and she wanted to be wooed and finessed. She didn't have to settle if she didn't want to.
Her only problem was, without Kimberly she’d no means of escaping Clarkson. She had no income to speak of, only her allowance, but no means of accessing any money in the wilderness. Suddenly she could see the advantages to living in the cities. When one was stranded in the wilderness they were truly without hope.
Whether she liked the idea or not, she would have to speak with Clarkson and figure something out. Rilla had said she could stay with her and Cal and as far as she knew, Rilla was still in need of a teacher. She could ask for a job at the Staab’s School for Girls. All she had to do was get Clarkson to agree to take her.
With a heavy heart Missy rose from the bed and went to the library to see Clarkson. He jumped out of the chair as soon as she entered.
"How are you feeling?"
"How do you expect me to feel? Kimberly has left me with nothing? No money, no position, nowhere to live...nothing. I'm completely destitute."
"A little put out, but I wouldn't say you were destitute. You have a home here, with me. I meant what I said back there in the line shack. I want to honor my promise to you, and I intend to hold you to it, too. It was your idea to begin with. I want you for my wife, Missy. And now it would seem you need me just as much as I need you."
The smirk on his face didn't sit right with her, there was no reason to gloat. If Clarkson thought he was her only option, he could think again.
"I don't think I appreciate your take on my situation."
"I'm sorry. I’m just happy you no longer need to go anywhere. How I see it my marrying Kimberly was the problem and she has removed herself. I think that’s a win, win, for the both of us."
Love Letters (Unbridled Book 3) Page 10
