I felt my stomach turn over. Elnear. Where the hell was she? Suddenly I was sure she was still in the room, that he was waiting for the crowd to thin out a little more, for some perfect moment— I found her, standing on the far side of the room, carrying on a conversation she didn’t care about with a person she didn’t know. Her arms were folded, her large-knuckled hands clutching her elbows; but otherwise you couldn’t tell that she was enjoying this about as much as standing on a bed of broken glass.
I started into the room, keeping a fix on her mind as I pushed my way toward her. It was like working the night crowds back in Oldcity.… Some half-buried itch couldn’t help signaling me that I could steal half the people in this room blind, and they’d never know what happened—
Two sets of hands suddenly locked over my arms. A man and a woman I’d never seen before, with bland, too-perfect faces, were smiling at me. “How good to see you.” “So glad you could come…” The pressure on my arms suddenly increased until if I didn’t stop moving something would snap. I stopped. Looking at them, groping … They were Corpses. Guilt smacked me with an open hand. But then I realized they were Elnear’s Security people, the ones she’d warned me about. They knew I’d know what they were, that I’d hear the message behind the meaningless words.
“Listen,” I said, “I have to tell—”
“—Look at his hand, Adson, poor fellow, whatever did you do to yourself come on sweetheart we’ll fix it right up…” (Don’t make a scene, you little bastard, just come on—) They turned me around in my tracks and started me back toward the door.
Suddenly I saw Lazuli. She saw me too: I got a sudden flash of how I looked from across the room, my coat gone, my shirt fastened crooked and hanging out of my pants.
I opened my mouth. “Where’s—” The pressure on my arms got so bad, so fast, that I had to clench my teeth to keep from crying out. (Take me to Braedee or the whole room hears this, Corpse!) Their hands loosened as if I was red-hot. “I need to see him,” I said to them, trying to keep my voice down as Lazuli came toward us. “It’s important. It’s about Lady Elnear.”
Lazuli was searching the crowd, frowning with concern, but it wasn’t about me. “Cat, have you seen Jiro?” she said. “I haven’t seen him since—”
“We’ll take you to Braedee,” the man muttered, his voice grating, urging me forward again. “Come on.”
“Jiro’s all right,” I called back over my shoulder. “I’ll explain later.” Not knowing how, or when, or what in hell I was going to tell her.
Braedee was waiting for us, out in the darkened hallway beyond the door.
“Braedee, you’ve got to—”
“What now?” His mouth pulled up in the usual sardonic smile. “First you want to quit, and now they have to drag you away from the Lady?”
The two ChemEnGen Corpses on either side of me were watching him the way you’d watch a snake. “Lady Elnear’s orders were to keep him away from her tonight,” the woman said grimly.
“No one told me that.” Braedee’s eyes never seemed to move from their faces, but suddenly he was looking at me. “Who did that to your hand?”
“I bit myself, eating. Shut up and listen to me, damn you. There’s somebody in that room who doesn’t belong there. He’s brain-dead—”
Braedee’s laughter rattled up and down the hall. “Almost everybody in that room is brain-dead. It’s hardly a secret.”
“I mean literally, goddamn it! He’s a total burnout running on somebody else’s ‘ware. There’s nobody in there.” I brushed my head with my hand. “I think maybe he’s after the Lady.”
Braedee’s head twitched, as if he was about to reject the whole idea. But then he said, “Show him to me.”
Elnear’s Security people went rigid, as if they were ready to use their own bodies to stop us. “He’s not going back in there. We have orders—”
“He works for me,” Braedee said. “And you don’t. This is my system, and it covers everyone on these grounds equally.” Suddenly there were two more Corpses, wearing Centauri colors, standing in the hall shadows behind him. “You are in my way.”
My arms were free. The two Chem Corpses didn’t move as I turned around. I didn’t wait for Braedee to step on my heels before I was on my way back down the hall. I stood in the doorway, scanning with my mind—found Elnear, a lot closer to us now. She was standing with Daric and Lazuli. I veered away, not wanting to know what he was telling them, trying to keep my concentration whole.
“There.” I pointed. The burnout was across the room but angling toward her, still smiling, still empty. My mind cringed. “Get him out of here. Stop him. He’s trouble—”
Braedee watched the stranger, with God-knew-what going on in the systems behind his eyes. “He’s a legitimate guest. There is absolutely nothing that could injure anyone concealed anywhere on or inside his body. He’s drinking something harmless.” He glanced at me. “You’ve had too much to drink. For God’s sake, tuck in your shirt.” He began to turn away.
“Braedee—” I caught his arm.
He jerked free. “Don’t ever do that again,” he murmured, smoothing his sleeve. And then he was walking away.
I swore, and went back into the room, going after Elnear.
Daric saw me coming, this time, and nudged her arm. She didn’t see him smile as she turned away, searching the crowd for my face. Lazuli looked up with her. I felt Elnear subvocalize a call to her Security people as she spotted me wading toward her. Her frown deepened as they didn’t appear.
“Lady—” I gasped it out as I got close enough for her to hear without me having to shout it. “Please, ma’am—” Not daring to touch her mind, knowing how she’d react. I saw the walking vegetable stop, a few meters behind her, and smile his empty smile at me. He looked back at her, taking an awkward gulp of his drink.
She was calling Jardan now, as she realized the guards weren’t coming. Something that wasn’t quite frustration and wasn’t quite panic began to wind like a spring inside her. She took in my syrup-stained clothes in one quick glance, hating the sight of me. “Mez Cat—” Her voice was perfectly calm, and cold. “What are you doing here?”
“Ma’am, I think you’re in danger. There’s not time to explain. Please, will you please just come with me?” I reached out for her hand.
“Where is my Security?” She stiffened, her hands clenching at her sides. “What are you doing here?”
“Probably wants to tell you all about his evening in Purgatory.” Daric leered. “I was just telling them what a good sport you were.”
I felt my face flush. “Shut up, you slad.” Lazuli was frowning now. Heads were turning; I half heard the whispers starting. “Lady, I’ll explain anything you want if you just come with me.” I caught her arm, tugging her forward. “No trouble, I swear—” I saw Jardan push past the burnout, coming toward us. He almost spilled his drink; finished it in a desperate gulp, his eyes riveted on us. The drink. He started forward as he saw us begin to move.… The drink.
(Get down!)
(Oh, shit—)
I shoved her, knocking her into Daric and Lazuli, knocking all of them flat. I landed on top of them in a tangle of hard elbows and knees, just as the stranger exploded.
The shock of the blast punched into my eardrums like an icepick. More bodies crashed down on top of me, crushing the air out of my lungs. I lay there for a long time, trying to breathe, trying to tell whether the pain I felt everywhere was inside me or outside; if any of the groans and screams were mine, if the wetness dripping into my eye was really my own blood. Everything was in slow motion: sounds, movement, all sensation with it, as if I’d been hit by a tidal wave and drowned.…
Someone was picking bodies off of me. Someone was hauling me up like a body. I blinked my eyes clear. There were uniforms everywhere, Centauri logos, blood. A hand slid down my shoulder: it wasn’t attached to anything. I watched it drop to the floor, lie there in a red puddle. I saw Lazuli, heard her screaming, over and over
; saw Daric, silent and dazed, and Elnear, her eyes closed.… My head was so full of shock and pain and horror that I couldn’t hold it all.
Suddenly Braedee was in front of me, blocking out my vision, his hand lifting my chin. “Can you hear me?”
“No,” I mumbled, scratching at my ear. I was ready to start screaming too, as I tried to find the strength to close down my mind, shut out the terrible noise.…
He leaned close to my face. “Damn it, boy! How did you know—?”
I swore, shaking my head. “Told you. I told you.…” It was all the answer I could get out. And all the answer he deserved.
FOURTEEN
THE HUMAN BOMB had killed three people. Elnear wasn’t one of them. He messed up a whole lot of fancy clothes; about twenty more people were transferred to the med center. I was one of them, although cleaning me up was the worst part of what they had to do to me there. They scanned me and picked some bone shrapnel out of my shoulder, then let me go. I was bruised and half-deaf, but otherwise there was nothing wrong with me that wouldn’t be wrong with anyone who’d just had somebody else’s guts scraped off of him.
I finally let my eyes clear when they told me I could leave the examining room. I put on the clean clothes that had appeared out of nowhere, and walked out through the doorway; bumped into the jamb, and stopped.
I knew that I was in a hospital, and that it had to be a good one, considering the clientele. But it could have been a suite in the best hotel in N’yuk that I’d walked into: a cool green room that was all softness and peace, thick rugs on the floor, hidden lighting, music that was almost subliminal; no cold antiseptic halls, no ceramics, no noise: no evidence that anybody ever felt pain, or needed help. It stank of total unreality. But it couldn’t keep the handful of people sitting together on the modular couch from looking like survivors huddled together in a lifeboat. None of them were wearing what they’d worn an hour ago.
I saw Lazuli, sitting with her arms around Jiro, her face too white and calm, as if she was tranked on the same sedatives they’d tried to give me. I’d had enough drugs for one night. Daric sat across from her, sitting on the edge of his seat like he had a stick up his ass. His mouth pinched as he saw me, but this time he kept it shut. Everyone sitting in the circle was a taMing. There were two others that I recognized; one of them was Charon. There were no outsiders—except me.
And Braedee. He was standing in the center of the ring of faces; asking questions, probably. Or maybe answering them. I couldn’t hear what he was saying. I wouldn’t let myself feel what they were feeling; not yet. I was still too close to the edge. I’d managed to build the mental shield, strand by strand, that put silence between me and the agony all around me. I was afraid to let it down again.
I stood where I was, half wondering whether I wasn’t here by mistake, as more heads began to turn. But Braedee gestured me toward them, said something impatient-sounding that I couldn’t make out. I went over and sat down in the circle of taMings, feeling all their eyes fixed on me. They all had to know who and what I was now; but I still wasn’t sure what that meant. I looked up at them, down again, wetting my lips.
“Thank you,” Lazuli said quietly.
I glanced at her. She smiled, ruffling Jiro’s spikey hair with her lingers. He pressed closer to her shoulder as he stared at me, his eyes dark. Other faces smiled, other voices echoed her thanks around the circle. Charon taMing didn’t say anything, and there was no crack in the cold wall of his face.
I glanced at Daric. His face was frozen too, a warped mirror of his father’s. “You’re welcome,” I said, still meeting his stare. His gaze broke suddenly and he looked away. I almost thought he was ashamed, but maybe it was my imagination.
“Where’s Elnear?” I realized suddenly that I’d forgotten to say “the Lady.” But for once no one frowned. Maybe saving her life had given me the right to forget, for once. “Is she all right?”
Braedee sat down on the couch an arm’s length away from me. He nodded. “Thanks to your … loyalty.” The catch was back in his voice, the way I’d heard it the first time I’d seen him; as if he hated having to say it. His finger traced the curve of his brow around the edge of his eye. It was the closest to a case of nerves I’d ever seen in him.
I wondered if he’d rather have seen more people die than be proved wrong by me. I wondered what he’d told the taMings—if he’d told them how he hadn’t listened to me. I didn’t say anything.
“She’s with Philipa,” Lazuli said.
I looked up, suddenly remembering that Jardan had been passing the stranger just as he finished his drink.
Lazuli nodded, reading the question in my eyes. “She was … badly injured.” She took a breath, getting her voice under control. “They say … that they don’t know.…” Her voice trailed. She blinked, like something hurt behind her eyes.
I grimaced. I glanced at Braedee again. His lips thinned. “Can I speak to her? Elnear—Lady Elnear, I mean. I need to tell her … something.”
Braedee frowned, and Charon taMing said, “I have questions about what happened tonight that I want you to answer before you go anywhere.” His voice was as cold as his eyes.
I shook my head, looking at him. “Not tonight,” I said, and I didn’t look down. I stood up, slowly because I was getting stiff. “I’m too goddamn tired. I just want to see the Lady, and then I want to sleep. Ask me tomorrow.”
He stiffened. I saw real emotion on his face for the first time. It looked like disbelief. Before he could say anything, Lazuli said, “Of course, Cat. I’ll take you to her. And then…” she glanced at Charon, back at me, “perhaps you would be kind enough to see us home to the estates?” She got to her feet, nudging Jiro up.
I blinked, feeling a sudden warmth creep up my face. “Yes, ma’am.”
“Lazuli.” Charon reached out, catching hold of her arm. “We are staying at the townhouse tonight.”
She went even paler, but then her color came back in a rush. “No,” she said. “You can pretend it didn’t happen if you want to. Not me. Not Jiro.” She jerked her hand free, and crossed to my side. Jiro followed her, glancing nervously over his shoulder.
Charon half rose from his seat; settled back again under the weight of too many watching eyes. “Very well. I will see you tomorrow, then.” His own gaze flicked from her to me, back again.
Lazuli lifted her head, still defiant. Her hand slipped around my arm. I saw Charon’s eyes fix on it, and wished she hadn’t done that. But there was nothing I could do about it now except follow her out of the room.
Elnear was sitting alone in another room that hardly looked like a hospital waiting room. But it was, and she was waiting, her face heavy with grief and shock and exhaustion … all the things I wouldn’t let myself read in her mind. Behind her was a wide stretch of dark glass. At first I thought it was a mirror. It wasn’t. It looked down into a surgery. She could watch, if she needed to; but right now this was as close to Philipa as she could get.
“Elnear—” Lazuli said softly, as she started across the room.
Elnear looked up at us, the dazed suffering fading from her eyes. She rose to her feet, a little unsteady, and held out her arms to Lazuli and Jiro. She held them close, before she pulled them down beside her.
I hung back, feeling like an intruder, as her eyes found me again. They were red-rimmed, but there were no tears in them now. They were a clear, steady blue as she looked at me without saying anything, looked at me until I began to wish I hadn’t come. And then she lifted her hand from her lap, holding it out to me.
I crossed the room, stopped in front of her, uncertain. Slowly I took her hand, and she put her other hand on top of mine, making me sit down beside her on the cushioned seat. “I feel…” she said at last, and broke off, as if for once she was having trouble finding the right words. “I feel as if I owe you such a debt that to thank you, or even to apologize to you, can only be so meaningless that it would be insulting.…” She looked down at my hand, up at my fa
ce again. “But thank you for what you did. Thank God you are all right. And I am so terribly sorry, Cat.…”
I looked away, choking on the crazy laughter that suddenly filled me up. I tried to stop it, but it burst out of my throat anyway, in a strangled bark that sounded more like a pain cry. I pressed my hand over my mouth, taking a deep breath, and another, until I was sure I could keep a straight face when I looked back at her again.
They were all looking at me, but no one looked like I’d done anything strange. Maybe after what had happened to us all, anything we did seemed normal. I glanced up at the window behind me, careful not to focus because I might see what was happening on the other side of it. “I’m sorry too, ma’am. About…” I nodded my head at the window, “Philipa.” It sounded about as meaningless and empty as what she’d just said to me. But even that was almost a relief, somehow.
She nodded, her eyes dimming again as she remembered what was being done in there.
“They have the best of everything here, Elnear,” Lazuli said, touching her shoulder: “There’s almost nothing they can’t do. And they’ll do whatever is necessary for her.”
“Yes, I know.” Elnear sighed. Her hands were back in her own lap again, clenched together.
“Won’t you come back to the estates with us?”
She shook her head. “No. I’ll be fine here. I’m not going anywhere until I’m sure that … that everything will be all right.”
Lazuli nodded, getting slowly to her feet. She glanced at me as Jim stood up beside her. I stood up too, waited until they were halfway toward the door. I looked at Elnear. “Ma’am … I told you the truth before. I’ve never lied to you about anything. And the other things Stryger claimed, about things I did back in Oldcity—I did them to stay alive. That’s all.” I turned away and followed Lazuli out of the room. Not knowing, not really caring, whether the words meant any more to her now than they had before, or whether she’d even remember that I said them. At least I’d know I said them.
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