Please note that I’m not saying anyone has to participate in BDSM or even fully understand it; I’m all about keeping a live-and-let-live attitude. But when having an opinion about a specific case morphs into having an opinion about anyone, anywhere, who might be into the kind of sexual fantasy that you’re not, you need to step back and analyze how your own prejudices come into play.
The point of fantasies is that they come from somewhere that isn’t always logical or rational. Some people might be inclined to investigate where their fantasies come from, what they “mean,” but I tend to think of them the way I think of art, where there are multiple interpretations, where the point is to make us feel something stemming from somewhere beyond our brain. To me, that’s what makes fantasies hot, and it makes me quite certain that my brain is my biggest sex organ and that someone’s filthy mind will likely impress me more quickly than any other body part.
Drawing a direct, judgmental line, as Powers does, between a fantasy expressed consensually between adults and one’s own politics and interests should be offensive no matter what you think of Weiner or BDSM. Maybe it’s not for you, and that’s perfectly fine, but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong for everyone, and I’d hate to live in a world where someone else reigned supreme and told me what I could and couldn’t do in bed, or on my phone. It’s all too easy to sound morally superior when you are personally put off by some behavior, especially something sexual, without ever considering that others could be equally justified in being outraged about your personal peccadilloes. So for all of us who are into things like gagging, choking, and giving or following orders, don’t let anyone tell you that you have a problem. I’m not assessing your sex life, or your psyche, so please don’t make sweeping judgments about mine. Anthony Weiner may or may not have issues with women. He’s certainly not alone in what he fantasizes about, but the only assumption you can make from what he texted is that he’s into sending dirty, kinky texts. And there’s nothing wrong with that!
Adrian’s Penis: Care and Handling
Adrian Colesberry
Adrian’s penis has many manually operated functions and is designed for people who like to engage with a penis. Maybe that makes it seem like a lot of trouble, but if you think your snatch is some low-maintenance dream, you’re operating under a delusion. It might help you adopt the proper attitude if you think about Adrian’s penis the same way he thinks about your ass. Stop thinking of it as his penis and start thinking of it as your penis. Not yours in a trivial capitalist sense, like it’s property, but more like it’s a field of beans that a farmer has planted right behind her house. She cares for the field all year long. She knows when to feed and water it, when to work the field, and when to let it rest. In the following, find instructions on how to feed, water, work, and rest Adrian’s penis.
Adrian’s Shy Erection
Sexually demanding reader, please don’t envision a constantly floppy Adrian Colesberry daily inventing new excuses for his defective arousal mechanism. Aside from occasionally being knocked out by drink, his cock has proven reliable over the years with two exceptions: in the getting-to-know-you part of the relationship and again when the relationship is going badly.1
A typical first time with Adrian Colesberry plays out like a physical comedy routine where every time the thirsty heroine bends down to the water fountain, the stream retreats to a dribble. He’ll go down on you until he gets his erection, but he’ll lose it as soon as he reaches for the condom. If you’re kind enough, you’ll get him hard again in your hand or mouth, but right when he tears open the condom, he’ll go all floppy again.
You may be perfectly willing to keep sucking his cock, and while your generosity will be more than welcome, it’ll just make Adrian feel weird after a bit to be in your mouth without getting hard enough fast enough.
Tip: When Adrian is having his first-time erection problems, there is such a thing as paying too much attention to his cock.
The generous reader might have been looking forward to sucking Adrian’s flaccid penis to erection. But not knowing how to judge whether he’s getting “hard enough fast enough,” how will you know when to abandon your project of making him hard in your mouth? You needn’t be concerned about the timing. Adrian will remove his cock from your mouth if he’s getting self-conscious and switch you to another activity. Another activity means, of course, more pussy-eating. As long as his shy erection is in town, he’ll eat your pussy until his tongue cramps up completely and even his neck, where all the tongue muscles are attached.
The sensitive reader may be overly worried about what exactly to do when Adrian’s shy erection shows up. Don’t be. You can do anything that makes you feel like you’re helping out, because Adrian’s erection problems will go away on your second or third time regardless of what you do.2
Your cure for Adrian’s shy erection is like your mom’s cure for a cold. A cold cures itself, but your mom wants to feel like she’s doing something to take care of you, so she makes you soup or gives you a pill, and when you get better she feels like she had a part in it. In the same way, do whatever you like to help fix Adrian’s shy erection and when a few days later he’s fucking your brains out, you’ll feel like you had something to do with it. Throw a penny into a fire, light incense in an abalone shell, masturbate for him, read him French poetry. It’ll all work.
And remember, while you wait for his penis to come on-line, someone who combines the desperate enthusiasm of a 16-year-old boy with the know-how of a grown man will be munching on your box for hours. Assuming you enjoy cunnilingus, everything will work out just fine.
Adrian’s Reluctant Orgasm
It takes a long time for Adrian to come with a woman; always has. It can’t be a physical thing, because he comes easily when he’s masturbating.
But it will be several weeks or months into your relationship before he has an orgasm with you. The experienced reader may be hearing this with a shake of the head: “Adrian won’t last two minutes with me. There’s this thing I do with my tongue/ finger/ vagina…” Perhaps, but read on.
Best that can be figured, Adrian’s overactive orgasm suppression mechanism got Frankensteined together when the standard propaganda about how a man has to last forever in the sack grafted itself onto his trained-from-the-womb perfectionism. Whenever he did anything, like take a shit or recite a multiplication table or bring home a piece of child-art made from paste and pinto beans, his mother would say, “Little Adrian, you’re just perfect.” He knew it wasn’t true, but in an effort not to disappoint the kindly woman who’d brought him into this world, he did his best to keep up the front by behaving the way he thought a perfect person would behave.
It’s Baby Adrian who puts the brakes on when he gets close to orgasm. “What are you doing, Adrian? We’re not supposed to come.”
Adrian tries to explain, “It’s only at first that we’re not supposed to.”
“How are we going to last forever if you come?”
“It’s not literally forever.”
“I’ve heard it’s forever.”
“She already came. That’s why we went down on her for so long. Now we can go ahead.”
“That’s not how I understood it.”
Then Adrian gets all mad, like, “That’s because you’re what? Six?! You don’t understand anything. Just let me come!” But by this time the window of opportunity has closed again.
It’s not that he doesn’t get close. He can come easily in the first 30 seconds. But he always holds back because he doesn’t want to prematurely ejaculate. That would make him a premature ejaculator.
Plus, he doesn’t want to stop having sex so soon after starting. On taking the first bite of his favorite meal, his next thought after That’s delicious! is not Gee, I hope this experience ends immediately.
A ways after that first one, a second window of opportunity opens, but by the time he recognizes it, an automatic part of his brain has already taken over and stifled his orgasm again. And so it goes wi
th the third window and the fourth.3
The cynical reader might suspect that this up-to-now objective account of how to make love to Adrian Colesberry has been corrupted by a crass attempt to promote Adrian Colesberry’s sexual athleticism, that this complaint about his not being able to come is obviously meant to imply that his lovemaking will be lengthy, and that the next chapter will be an equally transparent moan about the inconvenient girthiness of his cock. Not at all!
Adrian holds no delusions about women wanting a man to last forever. In his experience, they resoundingly haven’t. It’s great for those first few times when you just can’t get enough of each other, but after that, if you are anything like every woman he’s ever been with, you’ll be over it. Following the zero, one, or several orgasms you want to have, Adrian’s erection turns from a fun new toy into a party guest who won’t leave at the end of the evening. “Oh, that’s still there. Do I have to do something about it?”
The answer is an emphatic no. You don’t have to do anything about it. Adrian enjoys fucking more than coming. If he just wants to come, he won’t bother fucking you in the first place; he’ll jerk off. So just call “Time” when you’re done and he’s all good.
In Adrian’s experience, the trickiest part of his not coming will be managing your frustration. If you’re accustomed to having the power to bring off a man with your hand, mouth, or vagina, the discovery that you don’t have your finger on the trigger of Adrian Colesberry might not make you happy.4
The sensitive reader may perceive a profound ungenerousness or distancing mechanism in Adrian’s not achieving the ultimate sexual pleasure. You may read his never coming as I don’t really need you. Please do not indulge this train of thought. If Adrian is fucking you, he needs you.
Endnotes
1 There have been two times in Adrian’s life when his shy erection has not been a temporary, up-front problem: with the Wife and once before that with the Deliberate One. We can breeze over the Wife by assuming that you won’t force Adrian exclusively into the roles of father figure, caretaker, doctor, and provider, not leaving any part for his penis to play because Adrian the father-caretaker-doctor-provider will not fuck his child-invalid-patient-ward.The Deliberate One offers a far more instructive example of how Adrian’s erection can be driven into hibernation. She lived at the women’s dorm where Adrian was a waiter in college. He became part of her drinking circle and ended up with a little bit of a crush on her, which grew into a lot of a bit of a crush once he learned that her main goal in college, aside from graduating of course, was to fuck at least one person other than her high school boyfriend, who was the man she’d given her virginity to and the man she planned to marry after college. A noble cause. Needless to say, Adrian wanted to sign up.
Tip: Historically speaking, people have underexploited the ability to help themselves reach their potential by fucking Adrian Colesberry. If you have any life goals that he can help along in this way, please let him know.
Adrian soon learned from another girl in their circle that the Deliberate One had chosen him to do the fucking. So with no fear of rejection, he asked her out. For their first few dates they just necked in his car, but eventually he got her over to his place and before the evening was done, she let him take her pants off. He went down on her for a long time, using everything he’d learned between the Loved One’s legs. When he came up for air, she lay back in anticipation of his entry. And that was when he lost his erection. At that moment, he could have said truthfully, for the first and the last time, “I swear, this has never happened to me before.” He felt sure that the problem would pass, but it didn’t. Weeks went by and they were only ever about boob handling and eating pussy.
Unless your fantasy affair with Adrian Colesberry involves him going down on you and a lot of making out, he’s apparently not the greatest guy to fuck around with on your boyfriend or husband. On the other hand, he’s older now, of course, and the Deliberate One is not you, needless to say. So maybe Adrian and, more important, Adrian’s penis, would be thrilled to be one-half of the adulterous affair you’d like to have behind the back of your lucky someone. Just don’t put a down payment on a condo/love nest until you test-drive his cock for a bit.
Knowing how much she wanted to fuck someone else, Adrian felt really guilty about not being able to get it up for her. It was as if a terminal cancer patient had asked him to give her a fuck before dying, but he couldn’t because of his ridiculous, uncooperative erection. Then it dawned on him that maybe she could do something to make it more cooperative. In his first-ever attempt at asking anyone to do him a favor in bed, he asked her if she had ever considered sucking his cock. She had, so that was good, but she said she only did that for her boyfriend. Afterward, he no longer felt guilty about not being able to fuck her.
Depending on your perspective, Adrian’s impotence in this case was triggered either by a respectful objection to the Deliberate One’s infidelity or by her lack of physical attention. The monogamous, blow job–averse reader should choose to believe that Adrian’s sense of rectitude kept his penis flaccid; the adulterous reader should choose to believe that he’s one enthusiastic blow job away from getting hard enough to fuck the pope’s girlfriend.
2 Despite her name or maybe because of it, the Great One did make the beautiful mistake of sucking Adrian’s cock for an uncomfortably long time in an attempt to solve his initial shy erection. His problems lasted a particularly short time with the Innocent One, who never once touched Adrian’s shy erection. No credit to her, though; she barely touched his penis at all, shy or otherwise. The Last One more deliberately ignored the early erection difficulties, to the extent that when he mentioned it, she didn’t even speak, as if she hadn’t heard him. Good move.The Talker, from back in college, and the Expert had the most hysterical responses to his shy erection. The Talker imagined that his erection was flagging due to a lack of kink and flipped into every conceivable sexual position to inspire him. Eighteen years later, the Expert also chose to up the kink: after an abortive bout of doggie style, she did an acrobatic maneuver where she ended up with her legs wrapped around his neck, putting them into a standing 69 where she deep-throated him. That worked for a bit, but when she came up for air, Adrian still didn’t have enough to pull a condom over.
At this point, the Expert spun into a total panic. Her alarm grew and grew until she blurted out, “I’m going to ask my mom for one of dad’s pills.” Apparently, her father took an erection pill to get hard.
Adrian started to tell her for the one-millionth time that his penis would work OK soon enough, but she looked utterly lost at having failed to generate a hard cock in the way that she was used to. So he changed his mind and said, “Fantastic. Definitely ask your mother.”
He felt quite generous about his assent. Not only did it make the Expert happy but it’d give dad a thrill to hear that some young stud, relatively speaking, needed a bit of the same chemical assistance that he needed himself. Mainly, though, he wanted to hear the Expert report on the conversation where she asked her mother for one of her husband’s pills. “Thanks for the hard-on pills, Mom. Keep’em coming, and this guy you’ve never met can pork your daughter.” Words every girl’s mother dreams of hearing.
Moving from the absurd to the sublime, the prize-winning responses to Adrian’s early loss of erection belong to the Enthusiast and the Kind One: When Adrian fell to half mast, The Enthusiast would lie down beside him, cup his balls in one hand, and, with her other hand, masturbate herself. To break down why this is so brilliant, grabbing his balls maintained contact with his naughty bits, but not a part that needed to do anything, so he couldn’t interpret her touch as a demand of any kind. And the masturbation communicated that she hadn’t taken their forced break as a failure. She was going to be sexually satisfied whether he fucked her or not. That made him feel a lot better.
The Kind One pulled a maneuver of even greater genius, if you can imagine it. At his first failure, she jumped off the bed, grabbed
some lotion from the bedside table, and gave him a foot massage. Saying, without saying, I’m going to love you whether your penis is on board or not. Not only was this the kindest maneuver, but it got the quickest result.
3 The only person to break Adrian’s reluctant orgasm was the First One. It remains controversial what exactly caused his orgasm to flip from reluctant to nearly immediate. All the evidence for all points of view will be presented here in a balanced way so that you can make up your own mind.Once she decided that they were an item, Adrian became the beneficiary of the First One’s girlfriend ethics:• The primary rule: Any time she found Adrian with a hard-on, it was her job to make it go away.
• The secondary rule: She was responsible for harvesting all his semen.
The lawyerly reader might object that the secondary rule is simply a corollary of the primary. But although the primary rule provides the foundation for the second, it is not a sufficient condition. The primary rule only required that she solved the erections that she found. The secondary rule required her to be there to find all his erections, something she did with near perfect fidelity. Often at great inconvenience to herself, she would spend every night with Adrian. He thought at first that she was doing all this on account of a deep affection, but really it was an ethical imperative, as follows:
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