by Jo Leigh
“Okay.” She sipped, then jumped. “Dinner. Okay, let’s, uh, do this.” She opened the fridge and pulled out a big wooden bowl filled with greens. Handing the salad to him, she nodded at the banquette. “Please?”
Guy continued to help until everything was ready, and Rachel had taken her seat across from him. He was nervous, there was no doubt about it. But he was also excited. More excited than he’d been in over twenty years. He couldn’t wait to tell her what he’d done, and what he wanted to do.
But he’d also picked up an undercurrent from his beautiful companion. She was a little hectic, unfocused—not her usual M.O. Maybe it was because he was here, on her turf. Or because, like him, she couldn’t stop thinking about a repeat of the other night. God, how often he’d thought about that.
“Your plate,” she said.
He handed it to her, and she served him a large portion of lasagna. If only he were hungry, this would be a great meal, but the truth was, his stomach was in knots. He had to talk, and do it soon. But first some wine.
“So what did you want to tell me?” she asked.
He put his glass down. “I’ve made some decisions,” he said. “About my life.”
“Oh?”
He nodded. “I’m going to keep Heath.”
Her fork clattered to her plate. “Excuse me?”
“I’m going to keep him. Raise him. I’m going to do whatever it takes to adopt him as my son.”
“But you said Tammy was taking him back to France.”
“If I truly believed she’d be happier with him there, I’d send her off with flowers. But I don’t. I think she’s terrified of Heath, of his health issues. She doesn’t want to be a mother again. She’s just come into her own as a woman.”
“But…”
“It’s not a done deal. She has to agree. But I won’t let her say no. I can do so much for that boy. I can give him everything.”
“I’m sorry, Guy, but how? You spend more hours at the hospital than I do.”
He felt his gut tighten, but it wasn’t regret. Not in the least. “Not anymore.”
Rachel, on the other hand, looked like she was about to pass out.
“Drink,” he said.
She did, taking a good swig. Then she put her glass on the table, and a long minute later looked him in the eye. “You quit?”
“I did. I gave a month’s notice. I figure it’ll take me some time to get Heath’s bedroom together. And for the hospital to find a replacement for me.”
“But you love your work.”
“I love being a doctor. I haven’t done a great deal of that in the last few years.”
“So you’re going to be a daddy now? Stay home every day? I can’t see it.”
“I’m not just going to be a daddy. I’ll be consulting at Courage Bay. And when Heath’s old enough, who knows? I might open a private practice, or even come back to the hospital. But I know that I want to do this. That having a chance to be with Heath, to raise him, is more important to me than any job. I’ve really had a chance to think things through this last week. So much has happened, but the one thing that’s gripped me like a vise is the fact that I’m not the man I want to be.
“I’ve been a self-centered fool for a long time. Letting it all slide by. Taking the easy way out at every turn. My marriage to Tammy was a perfect example. You want to know how much of myself I put into that union? It wouldn’t fill your glass. When it was over, I barely noticed. In fact, I was thankful, because it meant I didn’t have to pretend anymore.
“It’s not enough. The job—I wanted it for all the wrong reasons, and what I ended up with is paper pushing and budget meetings. That’s not why I became a doctor. Even if Tammy won’t let me convince her, I’m not going to continue as the chief of the E.R. I’ve quit no matter what.”
“I couldn’t be more shocked. I don’t even know what to say.”
He slid his hand across the table and grasped hers. “Believe me, it’s not a whim. I’ve been hit on the head by a two-by-four. I guess it was the only way I’d listen.”
“You didn’t say a word about this while we were in L.A.”
“I didn’t know exactly what I was going to do until last night. I just knew I was going to do something. Set a new course. I’ve been given a second chance, and I don’t want to blow it. Not this time.”
“Have you told your family?”
He shook his head. “Only Callie. She was great, by the way. I wanted to tell you next.”
The look in her eye scared him. She wasn’t getting it. Of course, this new direction in his life would be the last thing she’d ever do.
“How can you know this is the right thing?” she asked.
“I can’t. Not for sure. But I haven’t felt like this in so long, Rachel. Not since I got my residency. I felt as if I was on top of the world back then. Scared out of my mind, but I was excited about every single day. That’s what this is like. I feel years younger. All I want is a chance to watch Heath grow up. To be a real doctor again. To be in charge of my life instead of just going along for the ride.”
She sighed, shaking her head. “I’m happy for you. Although, I must admit, it won’t be the same in the E.R. You’re a wonderful chief, Guy. The best I’ve ever known.”
“Thanks. Really. But I’ve got a different road now. The E.R. will be just fine without me.”
Rachel took another drink, although she didn’t think there was enough booze in the house to make sense of all this. She’d known Guy was going through changes, but this was way outside anything she could have imagined.
He was going to give up his whole way of life to raise this baby. And she knew he would give it his best, that no child could be luckier than to have Guy as his father. She had to admire him. It wasn’t something she could have done. Not on her best day. “When are you going to talk to Tammy?”
“Tomorrow. I’ve got to tell you, it’s gonna be one hell of a blowout. Tammy can dig her heels in when she wants to.”
“Despite the fact that you have everything Heath needs?”
“I don’t think it’s going to be about Heath. Not at the start, at least. Tammy and I have issues.”
“So I’ve observed.”
“I feel badly about that. Most of the issues we have were my fault.”
“Oh, now you’re just being too generous. Remember, I’ve met Tammy.”
He grinned. “Okay, so Tammy wasn’t a complete innocent.” His smiled faded. “Heather, on the other hand, was.”
“Let’s not do that again, okay, Guy? I think you’ve done enough self-flagellation. We have some really wonderful food here that I didn’t cook. Let’s eat. And then you can help me with the dishes.”
“Sounds great.” To illustrate, he dug into the lasagna.
She ate, too, but not because she was hungry. Her head was spinning, and not just about Guy. But about them. If Guy left the hospital, would it change things between them? Did he want to pursue the relationship, or was his dance card full?
Hell, did she want to? It hadn’t occurred to her that their working together was a safety net for her. And now she felt the need for safety more than ever.
While she wished Guy the best, his abrupt right turn kind of freaked her out. She’d never known anyone to take this big a risk. To turn his back on everything he had and start again.
It scared her. God forbid he wanted her to ride with him. She couldn’t. She didn’t even know if she wanted her own children, let alone someone else’s. It was selfish, she knew, but she simply wasn’t ready. It was enough that she was determined to be more open, more caring. Taking on a husband and child was too much.
Heat filled her cheeks as she realized that he hadn’t said a word about her in all this. She’d jumped to a pretty damn big conclusion. One that shocked her almost as much as Guy’s news.
“What’s wrong?”
She cleared her throat. “Nothing.”
“Come on, Rachel. Talk to me. We’re friends, remember?”
She nodded. “Funny thing about that.”
“Go on.”
“The reason I asked you over tonight…”
“Was?”
Sitting up straighter, she gripped her glass. “I did some thinking of my own. And while the night we shared together was one I’ll never forget, I, uh, don’t think it’s such a good idea for us to, well…”
“Take it to the next level?”
She nodded. “I’m sorry.”
“It won’t be an issue anymore. The hospital, I mean. I’ll be a free agent.”
“I know. What I didn’t realize, until we talked, was that the job wasn’t what was stopping me. I’m just not ready for a relationship, Guy.”
“At least not one with me.”
“No. If there was anyone I could be interested in, it’s you. Believe that. Like you, I’ve been hit in the head this week. In fact, I think it was you holding that two-by-four. But I don’t work so fast. I’m having a lot of trouble letting any of this in. I don’t want to chicken out now. But I can’t do it all. I have to take it slowly. To try and be the kinder, gentler me is going to take all the energy I have. Adding you to the mix? I can’t. I don’t have whatever it takes to do that.”
He nodded, but there wasn’t agreement in his eyes. There was hurt, disappointment, and oh, Lord, such pleading. It wasn’t fair. He couldn’t expect her to be like him. It was enough that she considered him a friend. She couldn’t do more than that.
“Guy—”
“It’s okay, Rachel. I had no business expecting more. But that didn’t seem to stop me from falling in love with you.”
She sat back, all the air in her lungs leaving in a whoosh. “You what?”
He gave her a sad little grin. “I know. You probably think I’m certifiable, but as long as I’m on this truth kick, I figure, what the hell? Tell it like it is. I think you’re the most amazing woman I’ve ever met. When all this happened with Heather, it was as if I could suddenly see more clearly. Everything. What I’d done, what I needed to do. And it makes sense that I turned to you in the darkest days. Despite the fact that I barely knew it myself, I’ve admired you since the day we met. And once I was able to see the real you, the woman behind the red lipstick, I think it was all over. When we were together, it was the most profound experience of my life. That, and seeing my path with Heath…To say it’s been earth-shaking is putting it mildly.
“But as I said before, I won’t press. You deserve time. All the time in the world. And while I’ll miss you, I’ll have my hands full. I just hope we can at least be friends…keep in touch.”
“I think we can,” she said. “But I can’t promise. Not yet. I have to see how it goes. How I go.” She stood and walked over to Guy’s side of the banquette. “Scoot over.”
He did, and she slipped in next to him, and then she took his hand. It felt wonderful. Warm and large and safe. “I love what you see in me, Guy. I’m just not sure it’s real. I have a lot of thinking to do. You’ve had an incredible impact on my life—more than any man, ever. Being with you made me feel more alive than any time I can remember. But I have to find me before I can be there for you. For anyone.”
He leaned over and kissed her, so gently it broke her heart. “I didn’t want it to be this way, but I guess I already knew. That’s why I recommended to Callie that you take over as E.R. chief. I know she’s strongly considering you, and I hope you go for it. They couldn’t do better.”
“You did?”
He nodded. “The woman I see is still a doctor, Rachel. I’d never dream of asking you to give that up. Never. It’s so much a part of who you are. All I’m saying is that there’s more to you than just being a doctor. You’re an amazing creature. You have so much to give, and not just to your patients. I want you to be happy, Rachel. The kind of happy that comes from being loved. And loving someone else with all your heart.”
She felt her throat tighten with emotion, something that seemed to happen a lot when she was around this man. Now it was her turn to kiss him. And when she touched her lips to his, she knew she wasn’t ready to say goodbye just yet. Not quite yet. “Stay with me tonight?” she whispered.
His hands came up to caress the sides of her face. “Yes,” he said. “God, yes.”
CHAPTER NINETEEN
HE WOULD BE the first man she’d let into her Egyptian-cotton sheets. Maybe this was a mistake, and it would make parting more difficult, but there wasn’t a choice. Knowing that they would never be together like this again, sure that in a month, she’d rarely even see him, she needed a bittersweet goodbye to the man who’d changed her life.
Guy stood at the foot of her bed. Her gaze moved down his cream silk shirt, his dark slacks, then back up to the desire in his eyes. The ease with which she’d invited him to her bedroom changed to vague tension, which made her turn off the bedside lamp. The full moon’s presence filled the room with a silvery glow, but she didn’t feel half so vulnerable. Still, the way her body responded to just the look of Guy was disconcerting. And even more so when he closed the distance between them, when she could feel his heat.
“What’s wrong?”
His voice was a whisper, his concern tangible.
“I’m not sure.”
“You know you don’t have to be afraid of me.”
“It’s not you.”
His lips curled in a wry grin. “Tell you what…” He reached over and cupped her cheek in his warm hand. “We’ll do it your way tonight. No tests, no points to be made. Just…” He leaned the short distance between them and kissed her. “Just a sweet goodbye.”
She kissed him back, warming to his touch as his hands moved down to her neck. He began to unbutton her blouse, and when her chest was exposed, he bent and kissed the skin he’d revealed. His fingers continued down the blouse until he could pull it back completely.
His lips traced the edge of her bra, then down to her lace-covered nipple. His warm breath made her tighten. Then she felt his hands, both of them, behind her back, and a second later, her bra was undone.
She took care of the rest by taking off her blouse, letting her bra fall from her shoulders, revealing her flesh, her puckered nubs.
As he lowered his head again, she stopped him with her hands on his shoulders. Then it was her turn to work the buttons of his shirt, to strip him to the waist.
He pulled her into his arms, skin against skin. He kissed her hair, hugged her tight, rocked her from side to side. “Rachel,” he whispered.
Her hands ran down his back, and she let her fingers play along his muscles. All the tension had left her, and now, in the protection of his grasp, she felt safe, warm, silly for her fear.
When he pulled back, she finished undressing, watching him as he did the same. Leaving their clothes in a puddle on the carpet, he took her hand and led her under the covers.
Nothing was rushed. There wasn’t the same urgency that had ruled in the hotel. This was about comfort, and about remembering.
She wanted to touch every part of him, taste him everywhere. She wanted to relive this night in her dreams. She wanted…
“Make love to me,” she said, urging him to lie above her. “Make love to me until I fall asleep.”
He looked at her, his eyes hazy in the faint light. But she knew he would. Gently, passionately. Marking her forever.
TAMMY CAME TO HIS OFFICE a half hour late. She was dressed in jeans, dark and tight, with a blouse that was so snug it didn’t button over her breasts. That didn’t seem to be a problem, since the bra she wore matched the red of the blouse exactly.
She tossed her purse on one of his guest chairs and sat in the other. “What’s up? I have a dinner engagement in an hour, so if we could do this quickly?”
Now that she was here, he wished he’d had more time to prepare. The day had been crammed with staff coming to see him, making sure he hadn’t lost his mind. According to Connie, the memo announcing his resignation had hit the hospital like a bombshell. Of course, he’d talke
d to his sister, Natalie, before everyone else, and he’d called Alec in Cabo. His family, as he’d known, was supportive, if leery. They’d be nuts not to be. But they stood behind his decision.
Connie was the most difficult to deal with. They’d been together a long time, and she started crying from the word go. But she promised that this month wouldn’t end their relationship. She’d come help with Heath when she could, and she’d never let him be without her baking.
“I’m not sure how to do this, Tammy, other than to come right out with it.”
Her eyes widened, and he definitely had her attention.
“I’d like to keep Heath here, with me. I’d like to adopt him. Raise him as my son.”
Tammy didn’t say anything. Her mouth moved a little, but no words came out. She just stared at him as if he’d announced he was moving to Mars.
“I’m sure you’re thinking that I have no business raising a child, but I’ve changed a great deal since we were together. Changed since Heather’s death. I’m leaving the hospital. Even if we can’t make this work, I’ve decided to go. I can be at home for Heath. He’s going to need a lot of care as he gets older. He’ll have heart problems, his kidneys need to be watched. In fact, with Noonan’s, there are a host of things that could go wrong, and I want to be there to make sure he has everything he needs. Every chance to have a normal, happy upbringing.”
Tammy laughed. Incredulously. It wasn’t the reaction he’d hoped for. “Are you insane?”
“I don’t think so.”
“You want to be a full-time father? You? Who’s going to watch him when you’re out on your boat, Guy? And what about the women you sleep with? You think they’ll stick around when you have a baby in the other room? Not likely.”
“As I said, I’m not that man anymore.”
“You’re not. What, you went to Lourdes? Had a vision?”
“Something like that.”
“He’s not your grandson.”
“I know. But I want him to be mine. I love him, Tammy, more than I’ve ever loved anyone.”
“Including me.”
He nodded.
