by K. M. Hodge
His outburst didn’t seem to bother her in the least. She sat there nonplussed with her characteristic serene therapist expression on her face. “Actually, I don’t know Alex. Please tell me.”
He growled. “Fucking CIA pricks! They....”
His thoughts were so scattered that he couldn’t even put a coherent sentence together. If he said it out loud then it would be true.
She just sat across from him, not saying a word just like she always did—using silence to draw him out.
His awareness of this technique didn’t change the fact that it always worked. He hated silence.
He stalked back and forth in front of her. “If I had been there with her, none of this would have happened.”
His hand flew to his mouth as though the words of what happened might slip out between his lips. The feelings inside of him reached a boiling point, and he picked up the small pencil holder sitting on her desk and threw it across the room. Pencils and pens scattered all over the floor.
His carefully constructed, stoic facade began to crumble as hot, angry tears stung his cheeks. He wiped away at his cheeks with the back of his hand and tried in vain to hold it all in, but the sheer effort was more than his body could bare, and his legs started to give.
Doc didn’t miss a beat. In seconds she was up and leading him to the overstuffed sofa, where he sat pitched forward with his head cradled in his open palms. She put her arm around him and let him lean against her—his safe place. Even after the last of his tears had fallen, they sat in silence with his head buried into her neck.
The urge to tell her, to share his grief with her, prompted him to sit up and hand her the worn piece of paper from his jacket pocket. He couldn’t look at her while she read it.
“I can’t talk about this, Ellie.” He called her by her name, something he never did.
“Oh, Alex,” she said, placing it on her desk and taking his hands into hers. “This is not your fault. There’s nothing you could have done. The man who did this to her... it’s his fault and his alone.”
He thought of the other girl, the other one he hadn’t been able to save. The memories of her and his time in Mosul had haunted him for years. Katherine was just another notch in his belt, representing all the women he had let down—another girl he hadn’t been able to save.
He looked up at her with his jaw clenched tight and his shoulders curled over his chest. She placed her hand against his still damp cheek and he closed his eyes, causing a single tear to fall. His bottom lip quivered. “Sara... Sara gave up the safe house location. She....” He swallowed down his grief, trying to continue. “Langley used Katherine as bait and everything went to shit.”
He needed to move, so he stood and walked across the room to the wall shelf where Doc kept her textbooks and several framed photographs. His fingers brushed over a photo of himself and her husband Chris from when they were overseas. They both looked so young then, and he didn’t think many people from that time would recognize him now. It surprised him that she kept it on her shelf where anyone could see it. Not that they couldn’t be friends, but still, the less people knew about their past, the better. The last thing he needed was someone asking questions about how they knew each other, though he realized that was the least of his problems at this point.
“What kind of investigator am I if I can’t even tell that the woman I’ve been working with and fucking for the past decade was working both sides?” He could hear the whining and self-pity in his voice, but he didn’t care.
“I know what you are going to say, that you never trusted her and that you tried to get me to end things with her years ago. You were right. I should’ve listened to you.” Under his breath he added, “You’re always right.”
After a few moments of silence, Doc said, “Are you getting any sleep?”
He laughed and rubbed the dark circles under his eyes. “No, and even when I do I have horrible nightmares.” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “If I tell you something, you have to promise that you won’t get mad.”
She sighed and pressed her lips together in a slight grimace. “What?”
“I quit taking the medication,” he said in a whisper.
Doc sighed and dropped her gaze to her hands. “Alex, you know you can’t just quit taking it cold turkey.”
He nodded. “I know, I know. I just can’t think when the dose is that high. I wasn’t sleeping or eating.”
“What do you want to do?”
Alex sighed, grateful that she wasn’t going to lecture him. “Can you give me another prescription? Maybe something new? I want to get better, I really do. I’ve never had a need to make this work before, but I do now.”
“Yes, there is a new anti-anxiety medication that might work better for you.”
“Great.”
“But you have to take them every day. No skipping pills, okay?” She wrote him out a script and handed it to him.
Alex nodded as he took it from her and pocketed it. “I promise. Scout’s honor.” He offered a sly smile and extended three fingers up in the air. It had been an inside joke they’d shared for years.
She just rolled her eyes at him. “I’m not kidding, Alex.”
He gave her his most genuine smile to let her know he took her suggestions seriously. “I know, Ellie.”
The gratitude he had for her made it hard for him to say the next part. He looked down at his shoes while trying to work up the courage to ask his friend for the biggest favor he had ever asked of her. “There is one more thing.”
She cocked her eyebrow at him in irritation. “What?”
He bit his lip and paused before he continued. “I need you to recommend a six-month leave of absence for me.”
“I really wish you wouldn’t ask me to do that.” Her eyes softened with concern. “A psychiatrist recommendation for even temporary leave could destroy your career. You know this.”
He rested his hands on his hips. It took everything in him to try and keep his calm, but he couldn’t keep the unmistakable tone of desperation from his voice. “I have to be with her, Ellie, and the CIA isn’t going to let that happen. If you make the recommendation, then I don’t have to break my cover. It is a win-win for all involved, if you ask me.”
“Alex, maybe they have good reason for preventing you from going to her right now.”
He frowned. He had thought it through and this was the only way he could be with Katherine, and at the moment, that was all he could think about. “Ellie, don’t do this to me. I love her and I need to be with her.”
Doc sighed and looked down at her crossed hands. “Love—”
“Ellie, you can’t tell me, if this was you, that Chris wouldn’t be turning the world upside down to get to you. I know he would.”
Her eyes narrowed in warning, but he didn’t heed it. “You forget I was there when he went AWOL to get to you after you....” It was then that he saw her pained expression, and knew he had gone too far.
She quickly looked away from him to hide her eyes that were brimming with tears.
He had struck a raw nerve. It was an off-limits topic, and he had known that.
Shit! The last thing he wanted to do was hurt her—she was his best friend.
“I’m sorry—”
She held up her hand to stop him, got up from her seat, turned on her computer and started typing. He sat in silence wishing he could take the words back as she pressed a key and handed him a printed off form with her neat and careful signature on the bottom. It was a request for leave. He touched her hand but she drew back her hand as if scalded.
“Get out,” she said.
“Doc, I’m sorry....” His voice was laced with deep regret, but she didn’t seem to care.
She shoved the paper at him. “I said go!”
He took the paper and felt shame bloom from his core. The silence between them was palpable as she shuffled papers around pretending to be busy. He paused a minute... and walked out. Once the door closed behind him, the sound
of her sobbing on the other side cut him to the quick. He didn’t see how he could repair the damage, but he couldn’t afford to lose any momentum. He would have to mend this fence later, after she had cooled her heels.
He went straight to ASAC Richards’ office to turn in the leave recommendation for him to approve and sign. With wet palms, Alex knocked on the open door.
Richards looked up from his piles of paperwork. “Just the man I wanted see. Come in and take a seat.”
Alex walked in and took the seat across the desk from Richards.
“I think I might be on to something. I know the answer is buried somewhere in these files, but I think I found the leak here at the FBI. I had my suspicions from the beginning, but now....” Richards paused, beaming down at the papers in front of him as if they were the eighth wonder of the world. “I have a lot of research still to do, but I am almost certain that Assistant Director Fullmore is a co-conspirator,” he whispered.
Alex nodded. “That’s wonderful, sir.”
His boss frowned. “Why aren’t you excited? This could launch both of our careers into the stratosphere!”
He handed over the paperwork from Doc.
“What’s this?” Richards asked as he skimmed the paperwork. “I don’t understand. This is bullshit! You’re fit for duty. I’m fighting this, Bailey.” Richards reached for his office phone in frustration.
Alex stopped him. “Sir, I requested her to write me this recommendation. Just like I am going to ask that you approve it and submit it to the director so that he can get it off to the CIA.”
Richards pushed back from his desk. “Am I missing something here? Why the hell would you request this? You might as well be signing your own pink slip. You’ll never work in the field again after this.”
“That’s kind of the idea, sir.”
Richards shook his head. “I’m not signing this, Alex.” His boss tossed the paper across the desk towards Alex. “You’re a damn good field investigator. If shit’s getting to be too much with the CIA, then come over here to the FBI. You can write your own ticket. You’re a young man with a promising career. Don’t throw it away.”
“Thank you, sir, but I’m done. This last fuck-up with the tactical mission just put me over the edge,” Alex explained as he thumbed a rip in the chair. “This is just between us, sir, but I knew the mole from the CIA. We had been close.... I should have seen it coming but I haven’t had my head in the game. I can’t risk someone else getting hurt because I’m not in 100%.”
Richards rubbed his chin and pulled on his bottom lip as he started to piece it all together. “Alex, forgive me for prying into your personal affairs, but did you and Katherine have something going on?”
Alex looked away from his boss’s interrogating gaze, answering his question with his silence.
Richards sighed. “F—uck, Bailey.” The agitation showed in his boss’s mannerisms as he stood up and walked over to the window of his new office. He looked over his shoulder at Alex. “Is she worth it?”
Alex’s eyes filled with tears. “Yeah... she is.”
His boss’s shoulders slumped in defeat. “Are you sure about this? I can’t sign off on this unless you’re absolutely sure.”
“Yes, sir, I’m sure.”
Richards wrote a note on the form and crossed out a whole section of the paperwork before signing it and handing it to him. “All right, but I’ve amended it so that you can still work for the FBI contractually throughout the course of this investigation, and on any other future case as needed. I need your help to find a way to nail that son of a bitch Fullmore to the wall.”
Alex nodded. “Yes sir.”
“Dammit, Bailey, I hope you know what you’re doing.”
Alex looked down at the form and then back at the kindhearted man in front of him. “Thank you, sir. It’s been a pleasure to work with you.”
Richards nodded. “I’ll courier all this to you once you get settled. We’ll communicate through whatever protected channels you want. Good luck, Alex.” He extended his hand.
Alex gave him a firm handshake.
His boss sighed. “I can’t say that I’m happy to see you go, but I get it. A man has to do what a man has to do.”
***
Holy Cross Hospital
Just outside Richmond, Virginia
June 6, 2008
4:00 PM
~~~
Katherine lay in her hospital bed staring at a small stain on the wall. It helped her... focusing on something as inane as a spot. The room’s blinds were closed and all the lights in the room had been shut off. After being blindfolded for several days, she had developed a temporary photosensitivity.
Her mind played over the myriad of causes for the mark on the wall, when a large man came bustling through her room with an irritating energy. “Good afternoon, Ms. Mitchel, my name is Edward Underwood, but you can call me Ed. I’m your assigned social worker.”
The large, red-faced, elderly man ambled over to the windows and pulled the vertical blinds off to the side, letting the late afternoon sunlight spill into the cheerless room.
She grumbled at the harsh light, trying to shield herself from it with her arm.
Mr. Underwood plopped down into the chair beside her bed with a loud thump.
Katherine peaked out from behind her arm to see him working on a crossword puzzle. She shifted and turned away, burying her face in the pillows.
After a minute or two Edward cleared his throat. “Twelve across... this may be a growing science.... Hmm,” he said to himself.
Is he serious?
She rolled over and looked him in the eye while she talked. “Excuse me, Mr. Underwood, but I would really like to be alone right now.”
His half-moon smile and look of pity enraged her. “Katherine, I know you know that you’re being held here under the 50/51 code. This means that the hospital isn’t going to discharge you until they’re sure you are no longer a danger to yourself.”
Katherine’s eyes squeezed shut as she curled into a tight ball. She wanted to shut out his words. She heard him stand and push the nurses call button.
“Can you bring in a wheelchair for Ms. Mitchel? She needs some fresh air. Tell Marcy to bring those burgers outside. We’ll be in my usual spot.”
The nurse at the station responded, “No problem, Mr. Underwood. An orderly will be by with one shortly.”
Katherine flipped over towards him, pulling on her IV port. “Ah! Mr. Underwood—”
He cleared his throat and held up one finger in interruption. “Ed, please call me Ed.”
She pressed her lips into a fine line before continuing. “Ed, will you please go! I don’t want a wheelchair. I don’t want to help you with your crossword, and I don’t want to talk to you.”
He pinched the bridge of his nose as the nurse brought in a wheelchair followed by an orderly, who walked over to Katherine’s bed to help her out.
Though she didn’t want to go, she also didn’t have any fight left in her, so she complied.
The nurse adjusted her IV to a portable pole and arranged all the tubes and wires to allow for her to be mobile.
Once situated in the chair, Ed pushed her out of the room. “Let’s get some fresh air, shall we?”
She slumped down in the chair and chuckled. “You say that as though I have a choice.”
He looked down at her with a frown. “You always have a choice, Katherine.”
She sat silent as he pushed the chair over to an outside private pavilion. Just as he locked her chair in place next to a bench, a nurse strolled up the path with two take-out bags.
Mr. Underwood pointed at the nurse. “Ms. Mitchel, our dinner is walking up the path as I speak. You will eat. You’ll just have to trust me that it will be the best hamburger you have ever eaten, and then we can talk.”
Katherine cracked a small smile at his persistence, and soon proceeded to eat the entire burger and the large fries.
He chuckled. “Do you want more?”<
br />
She looked down at the empty packaging. “I guess I was hungry. You were right. It was the best burger I’ve ever eaten.”
He smiled. “Want more?”
She nodded and accepted another burger from the bag beside him.
“You need it more than I do,” he said with a wink.
***
Rayburn Building
Washington, D.C.
June 6, 2008
6:00 PM
~~~
Charles stood outside the Senator’s office door, took a deep breath, and rapped on the door. He had convinced the Senator’s staffers to let him speak with him despite not being on the schedule.
“I said to hold all calls. I don’t want to be disturbed, Diane,” Scott called out from the other side of the heavy, oak door.
Charles opened the door and strode into the office, shutting it behind him. “I think this is a call you might want to take.” He strode across the room to Scott’s desk with an empty bravado.
Scott’s hands, resting on his cheeks, began to draw his face downward in a look of dread. “What the hell are you doing here?”
Charles flashed a look of false indignation. “What, no glad tidings for an old friend?”
Scott sat up in his chair, his face reddening. “You know I can’t be seen here with you, especially after what I heard happened! I don’t know what kind of shit you thought you were pulling with that kidnapping stunt.”
“I could say the same for you—trying to kill off the whole family.” Charles tossed two photographs down on the desk between them. The one of Katherine in Texas had been destroyed. He didn’t want anything to remind him of what happened at the cabin. He crossed his arms over his chest. “None of that matters, though, right now.”
The Senator looked down at the pictures. “Oh God.” His meaty hands trembled as he snatched the offensive photos from his desk. “Where did you get these?”
Charles took a deep breath and reminded himself: I’m doing this for Katherine. “Jane Bond, our little blonde bitch. We’re going down on the same ship, Senator, so unless we work together we’re fucked.”
