by Noelle Adams
“Okay. But if you’re going to get over it, you need to do it while keeping your friends, so you can’t just hide out in your house for weeks.”
“What do you suggest?”
“Have everyone over tomorrow night. You can cook out, and we can help you finish the basement. Going back to normal interactions is the only way you can get through this without everything changing. I’m not the only one who’s going to notice something is wrong unless you start acting normal again.”
He nodded. He hated the idea of socializing tomorrow—and especially doing so in front of Ginny. But Carol was right. He wasn’t going to lose everything that mattered to him just because he couldn’t keep his hands off Ginny.
“All right. Let’s do it then.”
THE NEXT EVENING, RYAN was regretting his decision to have the others over. It was torture—to act like he was happy, social, normal, when all he wanted to do was slink away and brood in peace.
It was worse because Ginny was right there, sitting a few feet away from him, smiling and laughing with the others.
She was quieter than usual and not quite as vividly bright. But she didn’t look like her heart had been stomped to pieces the way his had been.
Because it hadn’t been.
She’d been upset when he’d left her that night—almost a week ago now. He knew he had hurt her feelings by blowing her off the way he had. But she probably knew as well as he did that a future together was impossible, so she’d been able to come to terms with it.
He was the one still struggling to convince himself that she just could never be his.
They’d finished off his basement and then eaten hamburgers, chips, and vegetables with dip. They were sitting around on his porch when Emma stood up, announcing she was going to feed the ducks.
There was a pond on his property, just over a hill from the house, and he had an assortment of domesticated ducks that lived there, along with any visiting mallards and geese that happened to be passing by.
Emma had always loved the ducks.
Noah put down his beer and started to get up to join his girlfriend, but Emma put a hand on his shoulder to stop him from rising. “Ginny’s going to come with me,” Emma said.
Ginny blinked. “Okay.” She was clearly surprised but not opposed to the idea. She stood up from the floor where she’d been sitting and brushed off the back of her jeans.
Ryan forced himself to look away from the tight curve of her butt and the slim length of her legs. Even dressed as casually as she was right now, she was gorgeous, and every nerve in his body seemed attuned to that fact.
“I guess I’m going to feed the ducks,” Ginny said with a little smile. “Maybe some of you can clean up while we’re gone so I won’t get bullied into helping.”
She was clever and funny and lit up every room she walked into. She might be slightly subdued this evening, but she obviously wasn’t brokenhearted.
Not like he was.
With a sigh, Ryan heaved himself to his feet and started collecting empty plates and cans scattered around the room, mostly for something to do that might distract him.
He was in the kitchen, emptying out the remaining beer and soda from cans so he could put them in recycling, when someone else came up behind him. Patrick, carrying the last of the plates and napkins.
“What’s up with you, man?” Patrick asked with a quizzically cocked eyebrow.
“Nothing’s up,” Ryan replied, hearing impatience in his tone. He couldn’t help it. He really wished people would stop asking him what was wrong when he was incapable of telling them. “Why would anything be up?”
“Because you’re acting weird.”
“I am not.”
“Yeah, you are. You have this fake smile on all the time, and it’s starting to freak me out. If you don’t want to smile, then don’t smile. Don’t wear that creepy Joker grin. People will start to think you’re plotting world domination or something.”
Ryan sighed. He knew exactly what Patrick was referring to. Obviously, his attempt to act cheerful this evening hadn’t been successful. But that didn’t mean he wanted to be having this conversation. He scowled at his friend and opened the refrigerator as if he were looking for something inside it.
He didn’t need anything. He just wanted to focus on something else.
“At least that expression is real,” Patrick said, leaning against the counter. “Why have you been pretending to be a happy camper all evening when you’re really a camper whose gotten rained on and then eaten by a bear.”
Despite himself, Ryan couldn’t help but huff in amusement at the analogy. “I’m just in a bad mood. But since everyone is over here, I was trying to act nice.”
Patrick shook his head and pushed his glasses up his nose. “It’s more than that. You’re not just in a bad mood. I’m not stupid, you know.”
“I know you’re not stupid.”
“Then why are you lying to me?”
Ryan let out a sigh that was more of a groan. He glanced over to the doorway that led to the living room, but Carol and Noah had turned the television on and were having a loud conversation about a cooking show. Carol was explaining the show while Noah was making snide comments about it, so that was all normal.
They weren’t listening in on him and Patrick.
“Work is okay?” Patrick asked. “They aren’t regretting promoting you already, are they?”
“No. Of course not. Work is fine.”
“Then what?” Patrick glanced toward the living room too. “Ginny?” He spoke the word so softly that it was more like he was mouthing it.
Ryan swallowed and looked away.
“What happened?”
Ryan had absolutely no idea how to explain what had happened.
“Shit,” Patrick breathed. “You damn idiot.”
It was clear from his expression that he’d deduced at least some of what had happened between Ginny and Ryan.
“You’re not getting back together, are you?” Patrick asked softly.
“No. No way.”
“Then what were you thinking? Do you not remember what happened a few months ago with Noah and Emma? Do you want a complete mess between us? How could you be so stupid?”
“I don’t know,” Ryan rasped. “It was a mistake.”
“Obviously.” Patrick was scowling and rubbing his jaw as if he were thinking hard. “What does Ginny want?”
“I don’t know. I have no idea. But it doesn’t really matter. It’s never going to work between us.”
Patrick opened his mouth and then closed it again, stopping himself from saying whatever his first instinct had been. He stepped a little closer so they could speak softly enough not to be overheard. “Well, get it together, man, and do it soon. It doesn’t matter that Noah was in your situation not too long ago. He’s not going to be okay with your playing around with his little sister. Believe me.”
“I’m not playing around with her. I told you it was a mistake.”
“Shit, why can’t you guys just keep it in your pants? Seriously. Your friend’s little sister is not the girl to pick. And she’s definitely not the one to work out your issues on.”
“I haven’t picked her. And I’m not working out issues on her. It’s not going to happen again.”
“Then make sure it doesn’t. And make sure everything is really okay between you and Ginny. I sure don’t want to get stuck between my two best friends.”
“You’re not going to get stuck between us. He doesn’t know. Don’t tell him.”
“Am I an idiot? Of course I’m not going to tell him.” Patrick was still scowling and shaking his head. “I hate all this soap opera, drama crap.”
“Just wait until it happens to you.”
“It doesn’t have to be complicated, you know. A lot of people just meet someone and decide to make a go of it without all the angst.”
Ryan had thought six years ago that was what had happened for him. He’d thought it would be just that simpl
e.
But life obviously didn’t go the way he’d planned, the way he’d wanted it to. And he was just trying to make the best of it now without tearing all their friendships apart.
He’d start to feel better soon. He’d start to recover. And then maybe he could finally move on from Ginny for real.
Maybe.
THE OTHERS STAYED ANOTHER hour or so, and Ryan managed to keep on his casual mask the whole time. But he was drained and exhausted when they finally walked out to their cars, so he went outside through his back door and sat down on the steps that led down from his deck.
Comet and Astor had been running around like maniacs outside, but they came bounding over to him when they saw him sitting on their eye level.
He stroked the dogs’ soft fur and tried to avoid their enthusiastic tongues. It was comforting, though, that his dogs loved him so completely, so purely, without hesitation or question.
He wished it could be that simple with people.
“Ryan.”
The voice came from behind him, from the back door to the house. It startled him so much he actually jumped, causing Comet to give an instinctive bark.
Ginny stood in the doorway. “Sorry,” she said when she saw how startled he was. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”
“I thought you were gone.”
“I was. But I’d left my phone, so I had to come back for it. Sorry.” Her green eyes were searching his face.
The dogs knew Ginny—and loved Ginny—so they ran over to greet her as if they hadn’t seen her in months, even though she’d just left a few minutes ago. She leaned down to pet them but then straightened up with a sober face.
“We need to...” She trailed off when her voice broke and started again. “We need to try to act normal.”
“I thought that’s what we were doing.”
She gave a little shrug. “We need to try harder. Because I had to go through an extended inquisition from Emma while we were feeding the ducks about what happened with me and why I wasn’t telling her about it.”
Ryan stiffened his spine with a jerk. “You didn’t tell her, did you?”
“Of course not! But it was painful, and now she thinks I’m leaving her out. And I am leaving her out. I don’t like to have secrets. We need to figure this out.”
“I thought we had figured it out. It was just a... a thing. A onetime thing.”
“I understand that. But you still won’t look at me and you barely talk to me and you’re acting all weird and not normal. The others are going to notice and wonder why.”
Ryan hated the idea that he was so far gone—so completely under Ginny’s thrall—that he couldn’t even put on a reasonable, casual act. He hated how weak it proved him to be. He felt himself scowling. “I’m not acting that weird.”
Ginny stared at him for several seconds. “I didn’t seduce you, you know.”
“What?”
“I didn’t seduce you. I didn’t trick you into sleeping with me or take advantage of you or something.”
“I know that. What are you even talking about?”
“If you know that, then why are you mad at me?” Her voice broke again, proving that she was really upset. She almost never lost control of her emotions.
Ryan blinked several times, trying to make his mind work. He wanted this whole conversation to be over. It just wasn’t making any sense. “I’m not mad at you. Damn it, Ginny, why would I be mad at you?”
“I don’t know. But that’s the way you’re acting. I understand that you don’t want us to be together again, and I’m okay with it, but you don’t have to act like I was the one who did it to you. I thought you... you wanted it.”
“I did!” He was talking too loud now, his frustration bubbling over. No wonder she thought he was angry with her. He sounded that way. “But it was stupid. It was a huge mistake! I can’t believe I was so stupid. I don’t even want... I don’t want you...” He kept stalling on the words because he couldn’t make himself believe they were true.
He could keep telling himself he didn’t want a relationship with her—that he didn’t want anything serious—but he couldn’t really convince himself when so much of him was reaching for her, yearning for her—even now as she stood a few feet away.
“It was a mistake,” he finally concluded. “A huge mistake.”
“I get that,” Ginny said, her tone strangely stretched. She’d dropped her eyes. “I was a huge mistake you can’t believe you were stupid enough to make. Then why are you mad—”
“I’m not mad at you,” he broke in. “I’m mad at myself.”
There was a long pause before she said softly, “Oh.”
“I’m sorry if I was acting mad at you. I wasn’t blaming you at all.”
“Okay. I understand.” There was still something off about her tone, but he was having to work too hard to keep himself together. He couldn’t look too closely at her.
If he did, he might do something else unforgivably stupid. He might pull her into his arms.
He might never let her go.
“I’ll do better,” he told her. “I’ll do a better job about acting normal. I don’t want to mess things up between the six of us.”
“Okay. That’s good. So... so... should we...”
“We can’t do anything.”
“I know that.” She cleared her throat. “I was wondering about tomorrow night. The contest. You don’t want to keep that up, do you?”
He bit back a groan. He’d completely forgotten about the stupid thing. “We better, or the others will wonder why.” He let out a long breath. “We might as well get back to normal, right? Move on.”
“Right. Move on.” She gave him a tight, little smile. “Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow then.”
He mumbled something and waved as she left, relieved to finally be left alone with his dogs.
This time it was really going to have to take.
He was going to have to move on for real.
No more mistakes. No more stupidity. And no more slipups.
He was in control of his own heart, and he wasn’t going to let himself keep yearning after Ginny any longer.
Seven
“Stop nagging, Carol. I’m fine.” Ginny tried not to sound too annoyed with her friend, but Carol wouldn’t stop giving her concerned looks and asking if she was really okay.
Carol was already dressed for the evening in dark jeans and a drapey top with a low neckline and an ethnic print. She’d driven over to pick Ginny up and was sitting on the bed in Ginny’s bedroom while Ginny finished getting dressed.
“I didn’t say anything!”
“I could see the silent nagging in your big-eyed stare.”
Carol pursed her lips. “I can’t help it if I have big eyes.”
Ginny found the heels she wanted in her closet and then slanted her friend a look. “The nagging has nothing to do with the size of your eyes.”
With a little smile, Carol admitted, “I’m just still worried about you. You’re acting like everything is good when I know it’s not. I could just hit Ryan for being so stupid.”
“I know the feeling. I lived through it with Noah not long ago. I guess it’s part of having a big brother.” Ginny sat down on the edge of the bed with a sigh. “I’m not happy. At all. But I shouldn’t have expected anything else. Ryan thinks he made the biggest mistake of his life by getting together with me, and he’s not ever going to want to do it again. I get it. I really hurt him. You don’t ask for that twice.”
“Maybe. But he really hurt you too. If he didn’t want a relationship, then he shouldn’t have made love to you.”
Ginny gave a little groan. “It was sex, Carol. Just sex. We weren’t making love. And I know in your happy daydream world, people only do that when they’re in love, but that’s not how it works in the real world. People have sex all the time with people they don’t care about. Sometimes with people they don’t even like.”
“Ryan does like you. He cares about you a lot
.”
“Yeah. I know. I’m not doubting that. But it’s only in a best-friend’s-little-sister way. It’s not in a love-of-your-life way.” She dropped her head. “Not anymore.”
“But don’t you think—”
“I can’t think, Carol. I can’t second-guess it. He told me very clearly last night. I was a huge mistake. He doesn’t want anything with me anymore. I know him, Carol. He was telling me the truth.” She felt sick and almost numb as she remembered the way his words had stung last night. They’d been forced out of him, revealing the truth of his heart.
She couldn’t hold on to any delusions after that. She couldn’t keep telling herself that they were always destined to get together again, that they were made for each other, that they’d eventually find each other again.
Some things were never meant to be.
She and Ryan were one of them.
“But I’m strong, Carol,” she added, looking back at her friend with a tight smile. “I’m not going to fall apart just because my heart got broken a little. I’ll be over it before you know it.”
Carol’s eyes were still way too big, and her forehead was slightly furrowed. But she didn’t try to argue. “Okay. If you say so.” After a pause, she added, “What did Emma want to talk to you about yesterday when she took you to feed the ducks?”
Ginny groaned. “What do you think? She wanted to know what’s been going on. She’s been feeling left out of things.”
“Well, she has been left out of things. We’ve left her out. It isn’t right, you know.”
“I know. But what the hell am I supposed to do? Noah can’t know. He can’t, Carol.”
“I understand. And I’ve kept your secret. But I feel pretty crappy doing so.”
“Me too.” Ginny slumped, wondering if she could just stay home, eat ice cream, and watch TV tonight.
But that would be an admission of defeat—that she let her emotions get the best of her—and she never did that. She stood up and went to the mirror over her dresser to run a brush through her long, loose hair. She was wearing her favorite dark red dress this evening to give her a boost, and she decided she looked pretty good. No one was likely to know that she was paler than she should be and felt like she was always on the verge of crying.
