by Zoe Foster
‘Course not! Take it, take it! Tell him I said hi.’
She turned and bull-charged her way through the crowd to the ladies’. Ah, love.
‘What’s a pretty girl like you doing all alone in a seedy joint like this?’
I turned to find out which vile man owned this vile comment only to see Dec standing behind me.
‘Dec!’ I slapped his chest. ‘You silly. Wanna drink? Shall we have a SHOT?’
He raised his eyebrows. ‘Oooooh, not a shot!’ he said disbelievingly.
‘Hey, grandpa, relax. I’ll help you find your false teeth when you spew them up later.’
He laughed and shrugged as if to surrender, then said, ‘Which will we have? Sambuca? Tequila?’
‘Well, I learnt about this new one the other day – actually, it’s an old one, but I’m dumb and only just learnt it, called the…called the…oh, I can’t say it, it’s too inappropriate.’
‘What is it? You can’t leave me hanging like that.’
‘Okay, I’ll spell it. And I wouldn’t bother even bringing it up if it wasn’t really good. Okay, w – e – t, new word, p – u – s – s—’
‘A wet pussy? Oh Han, you prude. We were doing them in college ten years ago.’
‘So, doesn’t mean I want to scream out, “I want a wet pussy!”’
I clapped my hand over my mouth. Two guys to my left were looking at me with interest.
Dec was laughing loudly, slapping his knee in an attempt to recover.
‘Oh, you’re adorable. God, you make me laugh.’ He shook his head, smiling, watching me trying to shrink in embarrassment. ‘How is it that you’re single, dear Han?’
‘Sometimes a lady doesn’t want the company of gentlemen.’
‘Or is it just that the right gentleman hasn’t presented himself?’ He raised one eyebrow. This was the kind of conversation I’d dreamed of enjoying with him, and now I was too pissed to savour it, or give it the finesse it deserved.
‘Maybe. But I’m not looking so it doesn’t matter. Who’d be in a relationship anyway? I love being single. Relationships are too fricken hard.’
‘Well, yeah…unless it’s the right one.’ Even in my boozy haze I was embarrassed when he said that. It was all getting too heavy.
‘Right-o, Gandhi,’ I said with a new intonation, to imply that line of questioning was now over, ‘order my…whatever already. Hey, where’s your friend, Elle? Does she want one too?’
‘She left.’
‘Oh. Everything okay?’
‘Yeah, yeah. She’s hard work, that’s all.’
I smiled smugly to myself. Serves you right, Miss I Don’t Need a Bra.
Six minutes later and I felt my whole world spin. Shots were a great idea until you actually drank them.
Dec kept asking if I was okay, and I kept saying yes, but I was kilometres from okay.
‘I’ll just get some fresh air, and I’ll be…be totally fine. Seriously.’
‘I’ll come. It’s my fault you’re like this.’
‘Pfft! I wanted the pussies, remember? My fault!’ I smiled as normally as I could, put my clutch under my arm and pushed him back. ‘I’ll…be…fine. Seriously.’
‘Han…’ He grabbed my hand, and I felt a tingle.
I slowly unlocked my hand to put my finger over what I thought was his mouth, but was actually his nose. ‘Shuuush.’
I turned and pushed my way through the dance floor. The music was too loud, the people were pushing back too hard; I had to get out. I reached the balcony, only to find it fuller than inside. Bugger. No good. Toilets. Toilets would be better. I started to walk in their direction but happened to look up to spot a massive queue snaking out the toilet door. Shit. I went straight to the stairs and walked down, out onto the street. The fresh air immediately made me feel better. I looked around for somewhere to sit, and, seeing nothing, perched daintily on the ledge of the wall, between the pub door and the café next door.
I tried to steady myself and just breathe. People were coming in and out of the pub constantly, but I didn’t bother looking to see who they were. Who cared? What I wanted was a bucket. Or a cigarette. Or bed. Or a de-alcoholiser. The lights of the passing cars were too bright, and the signage on the shoe shop across the street was so blurred I couldn’t read it.
‘’Scuse me,’ I managed to say to a person holding a cigarette, talking on the phone. It was a tall man, from what I could make out.
Nothing.
‘’SCUSE ME. Joo have anutha wunnathem?’
‘Um, I’m on the phone here?’ And tall man walked away, bitching about me into his mobile.
I sighed and put my head in my hands. Not so good. Best to face the way I was travelling. My feet hurt. I looked at them. I would take off my shoes, I decided. Just for a minute, one little minute. That’s all. I slowly slid my feet out. The bright-pink polish on my toes contrasted harshly with the dark cement below. Seeing that jolted me into remembering I despised girls who took their shoes off when they were drunk and sloppy and, most pertinently, in public. Sighing and humphing, I slowly, painstakingly, put them back on.
Safely shod and believing I was no longer at risk of looking like a hobo, despite the fact I was essentially sitting in a gutter, I got back to my task of remaining upright, and making sure my surroundings did too. They were being very naughty, sliding around and making me feel like I was on a bad circus ride.
‘Hannah? Hannah, is that you?’
Another tallish man was to my left, with some men and women of varying heights.
Hang on. I knew this tall man’s voice.
I looked to the left and saw precisely who I didn’t want to see: Jesse.
He immediately kneeled next to me and put his arm around me. ‘Jesus, what’s happened? Have you been drugged? Where are your friends?’
‘You alwaysshowup when I leasted expected it, don’t I? I mean, you.’ I pointed my finger at him, waving it.
‘Han, are you okay? You sound very drunk.’
‘Noooo, Jesse, silly, I’m fiiiiiine. I’m jus’gettin’ some air.’ I smiled to show him I was fine.
‘Like hell you are. Where are your friends? Did they leave you out here in this state?’
On cue, Dec walked out of the pub, frantically looking in both directions.
‘Hannah! I’ve been looking all over for you! Are you okay…?’
He tapered off when he saw Jesse.
‘Wet pussy! Bahahahahhahahahaaaaaa…’ My head fell down into my lap without me realising.
‘Are you supposed to be one of Hannah’s friends?’ Jesse stood up; there was anger in his words.
‘Declan, and yes, I am one of Hannah’s friends—’
‘Some bloody friend. Anything could’ve happened to her out here while you enjoyed your night.’ Jesse was really angry now.
I lifted my head to add my two cents’ worth: ‘He’s Iz’s sister…’
‘Look, I completely see where you’re coming from, but she told me she was going to the balcony fifteen minutes ago. When she wasn’t there, I searched the toilets and then came straight down here.’ Dec’s voice was calm but firm.
‘Whatever, mate, I suggest you go back up. I’ll take it from here.’
‘Excuse me? Hannah, do you even know this guy?’
‘It’s the ex-boyfriend,’ I whispered loudly. Now even the bus stop I was using as a focal point had decided to betray me and start a psychedelic dance, too.
‘Oh, Dan, is it? Well…’
‘Dan? Who the hell is Dan?’ Jesse’s voice was bordering on hysterical now.
‘Noooooo, it’s JESSE…’ I said.
‘Oh, Jesse. Right.’ Dec sounded mildly embarrassed. ‘Well, Hannah, if you’re sure you want to go with him…’
‘Go where?’ My head snapped up. ‘Youse guys are crazy, I’m fiiiiine. I want to see Iz. Where is Iz? I was going to make a speech.’ I stood up too fast and fell towards Jesse.
‘Hannah, I’m taking you home.’ Jesse took my
arm and picked up my purse from the ground. ‘It’s fine, mate, I’m just going to take her home, that’s all,’ he said by way of explanation to Dec.
Silence and then finally, ‘Okay. Han, I’ll tell Iz you’re safe. It’ll take twenty minutes just to find her up there…’ Dec’s voice was small.
‘Jesse, I don’wanna go home. Jus’ need some more fresh air and I’ll be goodtogo.’ As if confirming just how good to go I was, I stumbled as I took my first step to go back into the pub.
‘Han, I think Jesse’s right. You need to go home, darling.’
Jesse stiffened and took an even firmer grip on my arm. ‘C’mon, Han, this way.’
With that, we were walking. I looked behind me to Dec, who stood with his hands in his pockets watching us leave.
‘I love Iz, tell Iz I love Iz…’ I yelled to him as I was guided away.
I’ll take you home first thing in the morning
The quickest way to revive your manicure or pedicure? Use a high-shine topcoat and reapply it every second day. It will double the length of time your polish stays nice.
‘I’m going to make you a cup of tea. You just sit there and drink that water for now, okay?’
‘Yes, sir.’ I was sitting on Jesse’s sofa, dressed in one of his T-shirts, two strapless bras and my knickers, with a blanket over me. I wasn’t sure how I had come to be in said position. A colossal glass of water sat on the coffee table in front of me. It was too overwhelming to even pick it up. I was exhausted at just the idea of it.
‘If you feel like you’re going to be sick, the tub is to your right, remember?’
‘Mm-hmm.’ I closed my eyes for a second, just to relax. The black hole behind my eyes spun, so I opened them immediately. When would this disgusting ride end?
‘Where’s my phone?’ I felt around the blanket.
‘It’s here. Don’t worry, your little mate Dick knows you’re safe, he’ll tell Izzie.’
‘It’s DEC, as in DECLAN, and he’s Iz’s sister, remember? Lived overseas. I mean brother. Her brother. He was jus’ tryin’ to help. He was good boy to look for me.’
‘Yeah, little too late if something had happened to you, Han. It was just a good thing I came past.’
Was it? I think I’d rather Dec had found me first.
I looked around Jesse’s apartment. Nothing had changed, except for a beautiful big fish tank.
‘Nice fish,’ I said. ‘Tank,’ I finished. As I couldn’t actually make out any fish, I felt it was more accurate for me to just comment on their home.
‘Oh, thanks. Amazing, aren’t they? They’re so beautiful to watch. Everyone’s mesmerised by them.’
I bet they were. Bet he’d brought Lisa back to his apartment with the lure of seeing his ‘amazing fish’.
‘Here we go.’ He came and sat next to me on the sofa with two cups of tea. ‘Did you eat anything tonight?’
I thought about his question with a scrunched face. ‘Nnnnnnope.’
‘Ahhh, well, that explains a lot. I’ll make you some toast.’
‘I want hot chips.’ I did. Real bad.
‘I don’t have any,’ he laughed. ‘Toast will help soak up some of the booze, though…’
Fridge doors opened and closed and toasters were pressed down. I decided to lie down and wait. Just for a minute. One little minute.
‘…Han, honey, do you want to get into my bed? I’ll sleep in the spare room, but it’s silly you sleeping here.’
Someone sounding a lot like Jesse was talk-whispering at me.
I looked around me. Everything was dark, save for a fish tank. What the hell?
‘What happened?’ I was very confused. Why was Jesse here? Why was I here?
‘You passed out, Han. You’re at my place because I found you very drunk outside The Royal. You’ve been asleep for an hour. Everything’s okay.’
I liked his soothing voice. It made me feel nice. I snuggled into my blanket and attempted, for about two nanoseconds, to get a bit of clarity before closing my eyes again. They were so heavy.
‘I should go,’ I said, with no intention of doing anything as arduous as changing positions, let alone suburbs.
‘Stay here, Han. I’ll take you home first thing in the morning. You need to sleep it off.’ I felt his hand on my arm, rubbing it in a soothing, loving way. I melted just a little bit. He felt nice. He smelled nice, too. I wanted him to just lie down next to me like he used to. Just for five minutes. That was all. Five teeny minutes.
‘Lie with me,’ I said with my eyes closed.
‘Are you sure, Han?’
‘Lie,’ I repeated.
He carefully pulled out the back supports of the sofa and lay down behind me, leaving me all the pillow and blanket.
‘I love this pillow,’ I muttered.
‘I love that you’re here,’ he said almost inaudibly.
I reached behind me and grabbed his arm, pulling it roughly across me. He took this as a cue to face the same way I was, and he delicately moulded my body with his. I could feel his breath on my neck. It was quick but regular.
I became intensely aware of his body behind mine, and every time he moved a bit, I wondered if he would be game enough to try anything. After a few minutes, he shifted his body, getting closer to me as if by accident. I played back, by pulling out the blanket from underneath me, and placing it over both of us. When we resettled, he had both arms on my body, and his face was so close to my neck, it sent a shiver down my back. I realised, very suddenly, and very surprisingly, that I could go there.
I made one small move to face him. I could see his eyes were wide open. I looked into them, and then he moved his lips to mine. We kissed, lightly, softly at first, then more hungrily as we reshuffled our bodies to accommodate our mouths. He moved his hands up to behind my head and softly grabbed handfuls of hair as he kissed me. I started shifting my body more and more towards being on top of his, and with each kiss he nonchalantly pulled me further onto him. I took my hands down behind his back and pulled the bottom of his T-shirt up. He helped me lift it over his head, kissing me the moment it was off, and then slowly did the same with the T-shirt that was half-covering me. It all felt disturbingly familiar, and yet entirely alien. After all, we hadn’t carried on like this since we first dated, years ago. I felt a brief surge of panic, but his soft hands and soft kisses clouded any possibility of withdrawing now.
His hands moved around to my back, to unclip my bra; I took a sharp breath in as his hands faltered at finding two clasps. God, why had I worn two bras? He said nothing; I slowly exhaled. Won’t be doing that again. Bras dealt with, Jesse’s hands gently massaged and cupped my breasts. He made soft circles with his thumbs, and stroked my chest with his fingers. He was doing everything so slowly and was being so delicate, almost to the point of irritation. I wanted him to get on with it. I was nervous and scared and excited; I needed things to begin. I kissed him deeper. As we kissed, I realised that the intensity in my kisses actually stemmed from anger: stupid boy, stupid Jesse; look what you lost.
Finally, his cautious hands, with the help of my impatient ones, slid down and skilfully removed my special lacy knickers, which I internally applauded as a very salient choice. I reached down and wrestled off his shorts, and then abruptly it was flesh on flesh. It surprised me to feel his naked body on mine, even though I had just hastily created the situation. He felt good: warm, firm, like someone I wanted to have sex with. A flash of Dan danced through my mind; I shook my head to dislodge it. He was probably screwing Blondie this very minute. Jesse’s hands and fingers were everywhere, grabbing at my skin, pulling me closer, and finally wandering down between my thighs. I pushed myself into his body, and pulled his hand away, signalling I wanted all of him.
The moment he entered me, tears sprang to my eyes. Everything suddenly felt so wrong. What was I doing? Why was I doing this? He didn’t deserve this; he didn’t deserve me like this! Sensing my unease, Jesse immediately slowed down, right down.
�
�Han, honey, are you okay? Do you want to stop?’
I lay still. After a few seconds he gently embraced me in a big bear-hug. He kissed my face and, feeling the wetness of tears, stopped and looked at me in the darkness. He stopped moving altogether.
‘Han, what’s the matter?’ Receiving no answer, he simply held me tighter and rearranged himself so that he was half on top of me, half on the sofa. He kissed me tenderly again and again on the forehead and arms and neck until my tears stopped, and then I fell into a heavy, uncomfortable sleep.
Snake in the grass
Stuck at his place the morning after with none of your stuff? Leave him sleeping and clean up those panda-bear eyes, using some olive oil (seriously) from his kitchen, and make that party hair as ‘daytime’ as you can by finger-combing it and dabbing some flour into the roots. Now get home as fast as possible. Go! Now!
My headache woke up well before I did, pounding me into a state of alertness that I really did not wish to have anything to do with. I lifted my tongue a few times: cigarettes and what I imagined filthy socks might taste like flooded my taste sensors. Delightful. I slowly opened my eyes. I knew that ceiling. I knew that window. I felt a body to my right. Its bum was pressed against me and its feet were intertwined with mine. I looked. I knew that hair. That back. I recognised the way that person slept with their hands above their head. I put my hand on my tummy, which was gurgling, and noticed I was entirely nude.
Today was not going to be a good day.
I gently extracted myself from Jesse and the blankets and found my knickers. I popped on the less padded of my two bras and a T-shirt I vaguely recalled wearing last night at some point.
Where was my phone? I needed a taxi. Now. Ten hours ago would have been even better. I tiptoed to the kitchen and saw my handbag sitting on the bench. When I found my phone, I had six missed calls: three from Iz, three from Dec. Oh shit. I was in so much trouble with that family. My inbox told its own story, too:
Where r u? Dec. 11.15 p.m.
Have u gone? Iz. 11.30 p.m.
Dec said u left w jesse!!! Evrythng ok??? Iz. 12.30 a.m.
