“What? I am not scared,” she protested.
“Yes, you are. You’re afraid of how you feel about me.” A triumphant light shone in Cole’s eyes as understanding set in. “You love me. You love me, and it scares you to death.”
“I do not love you.” Bri replied sharply. She was getting tired of people telling her how she felt.
He didn’t seem to hear her. Or if he did, he didn’t care.
“I knew it. I knew something was wrong. You’ve been so distant for the past couple weeks. You’ve been trying to push me away, and I couldn’t figure out why.” He looked at her, a cocky smirk on his face. “Now it all makes sense.”
Bri felt her blood boil as her anger surged.
“I am not in love with you!” she practically yelled. “In fact, that’s the reason I’ve been pulling away. I can’t return your feelings, Cole, and I never will. That’s why I‘ve been distant. We are going off to different schools, to different lives, and I thought it’d be best to put some space between us before you got your heart broken.”
“I don’t believe you.” He stepped into her, his eyes boring into hers challengingly. Bri’s body trembled at his closeness, and she wanted to hit herself. This was what was best for both of them. She needed to be strong. This had to be done.
“It’s the truth,” she replied flatly, not flinching from his gaze. “I can’t do this anymore. I’m done. You and me... we just don’t work. Everything has been difficult for us. If we were meant to be, don’t you think that something about our relationship would be easy?” She shook her head. “I’m tired, Cole. I’m tired of fighting for something that I’m not even sure I want anymore.”
“You don’t mean that,” he said forcefully. “I know you don’t mean that.”
Bri took a breath, steeled her nerves, and looked right up into Cole’s stormy eyes.
“I do mean it. I’m done. It’s not worth it anymore.” Bri felt her own heart breaking as she watched Cole’s eyes shatter.
“You really don’t love me?” he pushed one last time.
“No, I don’t. I’m sorry, Cole. I never meant to lead you on, and the last thing I wanted to do was hurt you. I tried to push you away before your feelings got too strong, but I failed. I’m sorry.”
Cole dropped his head. When he finally raised it again his eyes were cold, hard.
“Don’t be. At least we had some fun, right? Because that’s all this really was. One last fling before heading off to college.” He shook his head. “You’re right, this is probably for the best anyway. I mean, it’s not like you even considered asking me to go to Stanford with you or anything.”
“What?” Bri breathed, ice gripping her chest.
“Yeah, I never told you, but I actually applied to Stanford, just in case you wanted me to come with you. But, I see now how stupid that was. Obviously, I never figured into your future at all, did I?” He gave her a scathing look.
“Cole, I...”
“Save it, Bri. You’ve already said everything you needed to say. But, now it’s my turn.” He looked coldly into her eyes. “I thought we had something really special. I thought you and I could’ve taken on the world together. But, I see now that I was mistaken, in myself, and especially in you. I hope someday you meet someone who can finally break down that huge wall you have around your heart. I really thought that I could do it, but obviously I was wrong. Goodbye, Bri. I hope one day you can stop getting in the way of your own happiness.”
And with that, Cole stormed away.
She stood there frozen, too hurt and stunned to move. Bri watched him go, tears streaming silently down her face, what was left of her heart breaking, as Cole walked away from her.
Bri spent the whole weekend in bed, crying. She refused to speak to anyone, and couldn’t eat. She was surprised at how much breaking up with Cole had hurt her. She’d thought she’d be okay, or at least functional, after a day or two. But when Monday rolled around, she was still achingly devastated.
She walked around school like a ghost that week, not seeing or interacting with anyone. She knew she was the object of stares and whispers again, some mocking, some pitying, after word of Cole’s exhibit got around. But she couldn’t bring herself to care. She felt so hollow and empty inside, she couldn’t bring herself to care about much of anything.
Cole had migrated back to his old friends, including Serena who welcomed him back with open arms, both figuratively and literally. Whenever Bri saw them together, Serena always had her arm around him or was holding his hand. The satisfied, triumphant smirk on Serena’s face was like a punch in the gut. She was obviously determined to help Cole get over Bri as quickly as possible, and back into her. Bri tried to ignore the knife in her heart every time she saw them together, but the sharp pain in her chest was too persistent.
Bri’s friends were supportive and patient with her, even though she was practically comatose. She felt bad that she was basically shutting them out, but she just didn’t have the energy to pretend everything was fine. She didn’t feel like doing much besides crying and sleeping, which she did a lot of.
That Saturday was Prom. Of course she had planned to go with Cole, but that definitely wasn’t happening anymore. Despite Layla’s valiant attempts to get Bri to go to the dance anyway, Bri stayed home and spent another weekend in bed with her tears.
The next couple of weeks passed in the same dull blur. As the anger and sting of Cole’s betrayal began to fade, Bri expected that she’d start feeling better, that she’d be able to start moving past Cole and move ahead with her life. But, the absence of her anger did little to curb her misery.
She couldn’t figure it out. Breaking up with Cole had been the right thing to do. She hadn’t wanted to hurt him anymore, and the longer she had waited, the stronger his feelings would have gotten, and the more painful it would have been for him when they finally said goodbye. Bri had expected the breakup to hurt for a little while, but she’d fully expected that after a couple weeks she’d be back to good and moving on. After all, her feelings for Cole were superficial, mostly just a physical attraction. She didn’t feel anything deeper for Cole... did she?
Her confusion and misery were only compounded by guilt. She had been watching Cole at school, and he was not doing well. He walked around with a blank, glassy look in his eyes, and his spark and charm had disappeared. He was just going through the motions, keeping everyone and everything at a distance. He looked as lost and miserable as Bri felt, and knowing that she was the cause of this, broke her heart all over again. She was a mess, Cole was a mess, and Bri didn’t know how to fix either of them.
The weekend before graduation was the Senior Dinner Dance. It wasn’t a bring-a-date kind of dance, just a chance for the senior class to celebrate together one last time before graduating and going their separate ways. Layla, refusing to take no for an answer, was finally able to wrangle Bri into going.
“This isn’t about you and Cole,” she’d insisted. “This is about you and me, and the fact that we’re going to different schools in different states, and we don’t know what will happen or when we’ll see each other again. So, please! Come spend one last night dancing and laughing with your friends.”
The pleading, insistent look in Layla’s eyes had been too much to refuse, and Bri had agreed.
“Good! But we want you there, Bri. Not this mopey, depressed, shell of a person you’ve been the last few weeks. We want you to come and be happy, at least for the night.”
Bri couldn’t guarantee that, but she promised she’d try.
So, with a bit of trepidation, Bri pulled up to the hotel where the dance was being held, and parked her car. She walked into the ballroom, and it wasn’t the sparkling chandeliers, or the beautiful decorations that caught her eye. It was Cole. Of course he was the first thing she saw. He was sitting at a table with Serena and their friends. He looked so sad and lost, like he didn’t know where he belonged anymore.
Cole’s eyes lifted and found hers, and Bri’
s heart clenched. His eyes sparked to life for a moment as he saw her, but quickly returned to the dull, empty look they’d had for weeks. Bri felt tears spring to her eyes, and she quickly averted her gaze.
Forcing herself to breath, she quickly found Layla and her friends at a table across the room. She did her best to force down all the sadness, guilt, and heartache she was feeling. She wanted to enjoy this night with her friends, and she didn’t want her misery ruining their night.
She slipped into her seat with a smile plastered on her face. If anyone noticed how forced it was, they didn’t say anything. Instead the girls all welcomed her with hugs and compliments on her dress. Bri did her best to stay engaged in the conversations around her. She did her best to laugh and joke like nothing at all was wrong. She tried to act like the old, carefree Bri.
But, as she picked at her dinner and sat through the retrospective slideshow the student council had put together, her eyes kept roaming back to Cole. She missed him so much. Just the sight of him caused her heart to ache, and a fierce longing filled her. The impulse to run over and throw herself into his arms was almost overpowering. She was shocked at herself for feeling this way. She should be over him by now. But, she was slowly beginning to realize that maybe her feeling for Cole had run deeper than she’d thought.
As if sensing her thoughts, Cole looked up and met her eyes. Bri’s heart started pounding, and she couldn’t hide the pain and longing on her face. They stared across the room at each other, and Bri’s breath caught as she watched Cole’s eyes soften, his desperation matching her own, and something like hope started growing in her chest. But then he shook his head sadly and turned his eyes, the moment between them broken. A debilitating despair crashed over her, so potent she didn’t think she’d ever break free of it.
The DJ’s voice over the microphone snapped Bri’s attention back to the room, and she turned a false smile to Layla, who was dragging her out to the dance floor. Bri tried to forget about everything that was wrong with her and just enjoy herself, but she couldn’t shake the despondency that had settled over her.
Sometime later, the DJ switched to a slow song. Bri stepped back as all her friends fell into the arms of their boyfriends, leaving her feeling conspicuously alone. She turned to go back to her table, when a hand touched her arm lightly.
“Would it be too much to ask for a dance?”
Bri turned to see Cole smiling sadly at her. A lump formed in her throat, and tears burned behind her eyes. She nodded and Cole pulled her into his arms.
He held her tight, and she leaned her cheek against his. Closing her eyes, she felt all the tension leave her body. The knot in her chest loosened, and she could finally breath again. A feeling of wholeness and peace flooded her. Bri had been so lost the past few weeks, but she was home now. This is where she belonged, in Cole’s arms. She lost herself in the feel of him, his arms around her, his body pressed against her, the beat of his heart against hers. She knew he could probably feel her heart pounding, but she didn’t care. She gave herself that moment to forget all the reasons why they would never work, and just enjoyed him. When she felt she had enough control over herself not to break down in tears, she spoke.
“How are you doing, Cole?” she asked softly, not moving her cheek from his. She had been worried about him, and didn’t think she’d get another chance like this to talk to him.
“Just fabulous, Bri,” he replied sarcastically. “How are you?”
“I’m miserable,” she replied honestly, a tear slipping down her cheek. She didn’t have the energy to lie to him and pretend she was okay. She didn’t really want to lie to him, anyway. Even though it would probably hurt him even more, Cole deserved the truth.
She felt him tense, but he didn’t say anything. She decided to keep going, to lay it all out there.
“I feel empty, and lost, and like I’ll never be happy again. I feel terrible for hurting you, and confused, and guilty, and sick. And I don’t know how to make it stop,” her voice broke.
Cole pulled back to look at her. His eyes were full of confusion, and a desperate hope that caused another tear to fall.
“What do you want from me, Bri? Tell me what you want me to do, and I’ll do it.” His eyes pleaded desperately with her.
“I don’t know! I don’t know what I want,” a small sob escaped her. “I just need some time to figure it all out.”
The hope in Cole’s eyes died, and he looked at her, crestfallen. Bri felt what was left of her heart shatter.
“I can’t give you any more time, Bri. We don’t have any more time.”
She reached up and grabbed his cheeks desperately.
“Yes, you can,” she pleaded. “We have all the time we want.” Her face fell as Cole sadly shook his head, his eyes dropping to the floor. “You once told me you’d wait for me forever. Can’t you wait for me now?”
Slowly Cole’s eyes rose to meet hers, full of sadness and disappointment.
“That was when I thought there was a future worth waiting for. But you’ve made it clear that there isn’t a future for us.”
“Cole, please...”
“You can’t even tell me what you want, Bri! And I can’t wait around indefinitely for you to figure it out. Especially when there’s a good chance it’s not me.”
Bri shook her head, unable to speak through the constriction in her chest. Cole leaned in and kissed her forehead sadly.
“Goodbye, Ambria.” He turned and walked away.
Bri stood there, tears streaming freely. As she watched Cole’s retreating form, she was hit by an epiphany. A mind blowing, life changing, earth shattering realization. She finally knew exactly what she wanted. But he had just walked out of her life for good.
Chapter 29
Desperate to get out of there before she completely fell apart, Bri grabbed her purse, and fled the hotel. She sent Layla a quick text saying she was leaving, and then put her car in drive. She hadn’t even made it out of the parking lot before her sobs overtook her. She cried uncontrollably the whole way home.
As she walked into her house, her dad looked up from the book he was reading in the front room. Seeing her tear stained face, he jumped up and pulled her into a hug.
“Shhh, Pumpkin, it’s okay. What happened?”
“Cole...” was all she could get out before another round of sobs racked her.
Connor pulled his daughter over to sit on the couch.
“What happened with Cole? Did you guys fight again?”
“No... well yes, sort of,” Bri sniffed. “We were dancing and talking... and then he asked me what I wanted... and I told him I didn’t know... and then he walked away!” she managed between sobs. “I hurt him, again... and why? Why does it still hurt this badly?” she pleaded, desperate for an answer.
“Oh, Sweetheart,” her dad pulled her in and kissed her head. “You’re in love with him. Of course it’s going to hurt.”
Instead of immediately dismissing them, Bri let her dad’s words sink in. She took a moment to really think about how she felt about Cole. She thought about how much she missed him, his touch, his laugh. How desperately she wanted him, needed him. How miserable she’d been without him, and how much he meant to her. And finally, she knew. It had been staring her in the face this whole time, but she’d been too stubborn, and just plain scared, to admit it to herself.
She was in love with Cole Marra.
Completely, irrevocably, desperately in love with him.
More tears spilled as she looked up at her dad.
“I’m scared, Daddy,” she confessed.
Connor sighed. “Bri, I feel I’ve made a mistake.” At Bri’s confused expression he continued. “You see, I’ve raised you to be cautious, with everything. I’ve taught you the importance of thinking before you act. Of thinking through things logically, and listening to that big brain of yours. Now, for most decisions and situations in life, this is a good thing. But with love... love is different. It’s ruled by emotion, and you can�
�t always think through it rationally. Because love isn’t always rational. In fact, it’s very easy to ignore, to dismiss love entirely if you think long and hard enough about it. And I think that’s what you’ve done with Cole. You’ve doubted and renounced love, and convinced yourself that you don’t feel what you really do.” He sighed. “I feel that’s partly my fault, and I’m sorry. But, I’d hate to see you deny yourself something as wonderful as falling in love, because you’re afraid of opening yourself up. Love is the best thing we have in this life. Sometimes it’s the only thing that makes life worth living. Don’t let your fear get in the way of that.”
“But Dad, I’ve made such a terrible, catastrophic mess of things! I’m not sure I can fix it. I think it’s too late,” she sobbed.
“Oh, Sweet Pea, you’re young. You have so much to learn. And yes, you’re going to make mistakes.” He gently wiped a tear off her cheek. “But loving someone means that sometimes you have to take a leap for them. You need to let Cole know how you really feel about him. It is terrifying, but if you’re not willing to put yourself out there, you can’t expect him to.
“Have you messed thing up between you two? Yes. Does that mean that you can’t fix it? Absolutely not. Will it be hard? Probably. Will it be worth it?” Connor tucked his finger under Bri’s chin, and lifted her eyes to his. “Only you can answer that, I’m afraid. But, if you love him, if he’s that important to you, then fight for him, Bri. Fight with everything you have. Don’t let him just walk away.”
Fight for him. Bri knew he was worth it. She just had to figure out how.
“Thanks, Daddy,” she hugged him, her tears slowing. “Um, can I ask you something?”
Beautiful Mess Page 35
