by Josie Brown
The Housewife Assassin’s
Relationship Survival Guide
(Book 4)
Donna’s idea of romance? A couples massage with her mission leader, Jack – not breaking out of a Mexican prison with a drug lord, then stopping a massacre by an international terrorist cell. But when old loves get in the way of Donna’s chance for true love, she doesn’t cry. She gets even.
OTHER BOOKS BY JOSIE BROWN
Secret Lives of Husbands and Wives
Soon to be a dramatic series on NBC, producer by Jerry Bruckheimer
"If you like Desperate Housewives, then you'll fly through this gossipy novel full of Wisteria Lane-esque characters living in a suburban jungle. Lyssa Harper, a stay-at-home-mom living in California's posh Paradise Heights community, befriends the neighborhood DILF (Dad I'd like to…) after his wife leaves him. Suddenly their friendship has Lyssa's catty "momtourage" talking, her place on the women's league board in jeopardy and her own marriage seriously in question. Brown entertains up to the satisfying ending in this lively novel. – Examiner.com
"Just in time for summer, Brown's novel offers an enjoyable take on suburban California family life, complete with mommy cliques, rebel teenagers, and, of course lots of adultery…The momentum of Brown's writing and plot keeps the pages turning." – Booklist
"Already touted as the perfect summer beach read, this character driven (sometimes steamy) book can best be described as the offspring of an affair between Desperate Housewives and a Jennifer Weiner novel…A quick look into the sometimes catty world of wealth where priorities get shifted, friendships get broken and marriages, like their mansions, get rearranged. It was light and fluffy (with some excellent dialogue.)…This coven spread gossip like wild fire, fight like verbal wrestlers and plot like army generals to put together the very confused puzzle of Harry's love life." – GoodHousekeeping.com
Totlandia (Series)
Friendship. Lies. Seduction. Betrayal. Welcome to Totlandia.
The salacious secrets of Desperate Housewives meet the aspirational lifestyles of Sex and the City in San Francisco’s most elite mommies group. In this sometimes bittersweet (and always humorous) novel series, the friendships among four women who meet in a moms-and-tots playgroup are tested as they address their presumptions, family traumas, love, passion, and the hard realities of parenting their children.
The Baby Planner
"Brown takes baby mania to its illogical, hysterical extreme in this bubbly romp. . . . But what begins as a light foray into Bugaboo country turns into something bigger than a satire of status-obsessed Bay Area yummy mummies as Brown takes a dark look at the fears of parenthood and family, with Katie's heartbreaking longing for a child unveiling a disturbing reality about her marriage and family. Still, the message from the somber realities is one full of hope: love makes a family, commitment keeps it together."—Publishers Weekly
“A funny, engaging, and often bittersweet tale from the author of Secret Lives of Husbands and Wives." –Cincinnati Public Library Spotlight Feature
True Hollywood Lies
“The writing is laced with venomous humor…" –The Wall Street Journal
"Brown captures the humor of working for a megalomaniac…[A] well-paced, entertaining story." –Publishers Weekly
"A fine piece of literary work." –New York Post, Page Six
"Josie Brown does an outstanding job capturing the glitz and glamour of Hollywood living yet illuminating the stark loneliness present beneath the façade. Filled with good-natured humor and witty repartee…" –Romance Reader's Connection
"With tongue-in-cheek dialogue, True Hollywood Lies provides a fascinating look at the jet set lifestyle of the rich and for-the-moment famous… You will laugh, cry, and wonder if it's worth it to be rich and famous." –Romance Reviews Today
Impossibly Tongue Tied
"Brad, Angelina, Britney and Kevin may want to check out Josie Brown's new novel, Impossibly Tongue-Tied, for its ripped-from-the-headlines plot that mixes their scandals together…" – New York Post, Page Six
"Josie Brown gives us another page-turning guilty pleasure." – Marin Magazine
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Josie Brown is the author of The Housewife Assassin's Handbook novel series, the Totlandia novel series, as well as Impossibly Tongue Tied, True Hollywood Lies, and The Baby Planner. Her novel, Secret Lives of Husbands and Wives, will soon be a dramatic series on NBC-TV, produced by Jerry Bruckheimer.
HOW TO REACH JOSIE BROWN
www.JosieBrown.com
www.AuthorProvocateur.com
www.HousewifeAssassinsHandbook.com
www.twitter.com/JosieBrownCA
www.facebook.com/JosieBrownAuthor
PRAISE FOR JOSIE BROWN, FROM OTHER AUTHORS
“Josie Brown writes with all the secrets, sex and scandal of a tabloid magazine. Truly entertaining reading!– —Jackie Collins, Hollywood Wives
“Hollywood's got nothing on the cast of characters living in the bedroom community of Paradise Heights, who have the secrets, sex, money and scandal of an OK! Magazine cover story. Josie Brown is a skilled observer whose clever dialogue makes for truly entertaining reading.– —Jackie Collins, bestselling author of Hollywood Wives and Poor Little Bitch Girl
"Josie Brown captures the highs and lows of love, lust and marriage with heart wrenching pathos. I'm recommending it to all my friends as the perfect beach read!"—Lisa Rinna, actress, and author of the novel, Starlit
"The Baby Planner is as a delight. I wondered, as I was reading it, how I every managed without a baby planner, and by the end I wondered how I ever managed without its author, Josie Brown." —Eileen Goudge, New York Times bestselling author of Once in a Blue Moon
“Brown proves that a story with suburban bodies can be just as suspenseful as one with dead bodies! Secret Lives of Husbands and Wives is a probing, entertaining fishbowl of married life in a well-heeled, wayward neighborhood. Loved it!” –Stephanie Bond, author of Body Movers series
"The Baby Planner is as a delight. I wondered, as I was reading it, how I every managed without a baby planner, and by the end I wondered how I ever managed without its author, Josie Brown." —Eileen Goudge, New York Times bestselling author of Once in a Blue Moon
"Josie Brown’s writing is whip-smart as well as wickedly funny, and just as you are enjoying the ride she takes you on, she shatters your heart with her insight into modern lives."
—Tatjana Soli, New York Times bestselling author of The Lotus Eaters and The Forgetting Tree
"I loved this juicy-as-it-it-is-heartfelt novel about love, marriage, friendship and sharp, manicured claws. Could not put it down!"—Melissa Senate, author, The Secret of Joy
"Poignant and funny! Josie Brown's protagonist is strong, resilient, and unflinchingly honest: she has all the skills she needs to navigate the 'mean streets' of the gated community of Paradise Heights. A great read!" —Wendy Wax, author, Magnolia Wednesdays
COPYRIGHT INFORMATION
The Housewife Assassin’s Killer Christmas Tips
A Novel by Josie Brown
© 2012 Josie Brown
All rights reserved. No part of this book shall be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the publisher. No patent liability is assumed with respect to the use of the information contained herein. Although every precaution has been taken in the preparation of this book, the publisher and authors assume no responsibility for errors or omissions. Neither is any liability assumed for damages resulting from the use of information contained herein.
This is a work of fiction. All incidents and dialogue, and all characters with the exception of some well-known historical and public figures, are products of the author’s imagination and are not to be construed as real. Where real-life historical or public figures appear, the situations, incidents and dialogues concerning those persons are entirely fictional and
are not intended to depict actual events or to change the entirely fictional nature of the work. In all other respects, any resemblance to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental. Capishe? Comprende? It ain’t you. It ain’t even about you. It’s about me. Always. Just sayin’.
Published by Signal Press / San Francisco, CA
For information, contact Signal Press via email: [email protected]
THE HOUSEWIFE ASSASSIN’S KILLER CHRISTMAS TIPS and Design are registered trademarks of Josie Brown.
© 2012 Josie Brown
ISBN # 978-0-9740214-7-8
1. Fiction_ General 2. Fiction_General_Romance 3. Fiction_Contemporary
Title produced in the United States of America
Note: This publication contains the opinions and ideas of its author. It is intended to provide helpful and informative material on the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the authors and publisher are not engaged in rendering professional services in the book. If the reader requires personal assistance or advice, a qualified professional should be consulted.
The author and publisher specifically disclaim any responsibility for any liability, loss or risk, personal and otherwise, which is incurred as a consequence, directly or indirectly, of the use and application of any of the contents of this book.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available upon request
Cover Design: Andrew Brown, Click Twice Design.
Formatting: Jason G. Anderson, website.
TURN THE PAGE FOR THE TABLE OF CONTENTS…
Table of Contents
MAIN MENU
Chapter 1 How to Make a Christmas (not a Funeral) Wreath
Chapter 2 How to Buy the Freshest Tree
Chapter 3 When You’re Dreaming of a White Christmas
Chapter 4 ’Tis the Season!
Chapter 5 Making the Holidays Your Own
Chapter 6 Secret Santa Etiquette
Chapter 7 Poinsettia Time!
Chapter 8 Pretty Presents Start with the Packaging
Chapter 9 Santa Etiquette
Chapter 10 Christmas Vacation
Chapter 11 Naughty, or Nice?
Chapter 12 Boughs of Holly
Chapter 13 Decorating Christmas Cookies
Chapter 14 Homemade Ornaments!
Chapter 15 Build a Snowman
Chapter 16 Best. Eggnog. Ever.
Chapter 17 Roast Beef, Turkey, or Ham? Oh My!
Chapter 18 Lawn Mangers
Chapter 19 Mulled Wine!
Chapter 20 Christmas Miracles
Next up:
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
NOVELS IN THE HOUSEWIFE ASSASSIN SERIES
OTHER BOOKS BY JOSIE BROWN
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
HOW TO REACH JOSIE BROWN
PRAISE FOR JOSIE BROWN, FROM OTHER AUTHORS
COPYRIGHT INFORMATION
