I should have listened to Hayden. Instead, I let Nordstrom suck me into his sex web. And the minute I am out of sight, he forgets about me, abandons me just like Mom did. What is it about me that makes people walk away from me? Am I unlovable? Chase chose the drugs over me. My mom chose death. Even Peterson chose another girl. I thought Liam was different. I thought maybe my luck had changed, but it wasn’t real. I’ve sent him exactly twenty-one texts. They started out sweet and flirty, telling him I could still feel his hands on me, and how I’d been ruined for other men. As each one went unanswered, they disintegrated from there. Today’s text is full of sarcasm and frustration.
Me: Friends? Whatever. If you’ve been in a coma, call me when you get out, otherwise, don’t bother.
I don’t expect to get a response. It’s more about making me feel better. I know it will be awhile before I can move on from him and I hate being so pathetic.
Sharing my secrets with him was my first mistake, falling for him my second. I gave him a piece of me I’ve never allowed anyone else to glimpse. He took it and tossed it in the ocean. I’m never sharing that part of me with anyone ever again. It’s gone never to be recovered. Just like Mom.
All I know is either he never made it home or he’s the biggest liar I’ve ever met, even bigger than Chase. I really thought we had gone to the next level—we’d moved beyond friendship in the days we lived together as a couple—slept together as a couple. He must have thought differently. I don’t want to be that girl who assumes she’s more important to a guy than she really is…but what the hell? How could he not call? It shouldn’t surprise me. He cut me off before without any regret. Fuck him.
I stash my phone in my back pocket and sit on the bed when I hear the knock on my bedroom door. I hope it’s not Chase. With the mood I’m in, I may just sleep with him to validate I’m not a total loser. The door opens and it’s my brother Wes. He plops his butt on the desk chair and looks around the room.
“So you’re almost packed?”
I don’t have the energy to tell him I never unpacked when I moved home, so I just agree.
“Yep, getting ready for the big move.”
He nods. “Are you doing all right?”
“I’m all right.”
“Why have you been crying so much? Are you pregnant?
I want to say, do I look stupid? But I don’t because that would be calling Mom stupid and everyone knows she wasn’t. “No. Why would you think that?”
“You left for Sarah’s wedding with some guy after you told Dad you weren’t going, and then when you came back you were all sunshine and rainbows. Now you’re barricaded in your room, just like before the guy showed up. I worry about you.”
Translation: You seem depressed. Do you need to get on medication?
“I’m not Mom, Wes. I’m fine. I spent a week with a guy in paradise and I thought we had more than we did. He turned out to be a big dick. I’ll get over it.”
“If you say so. It just seems more than that. Guys don’t usually mess you up like this.”
“I’m entitled to be a bit off.” I explain to him all that happened with Sarah’s wedding and Alli. I even tell him all about Liam, giving him the watered-down version a brother can stomach. It feels good to tell someone. “Now, in a couple of weeks, I’m expected to drive across the country, move into an apartment with a girl I’ve barely talked to, and start all over with school. I’m stressed, yes, but I’m not going to end up in the psych ward.”
Wes’s skeptical expression is not new to me. Statistically, my brothers and I are at a higher risk of getting mental illness because Mom had depression. We’re at a higher risk for suicide because Mom killed herself. We’re always looking for signs in each other, hoping to catch the illness before it resorts to Mom’s level. They all think I’m more susceptible because I look like her.
“If I didn’t let Chase kill me, why would I let some guy I’ve known for only a few months get to me? No guy is worth killing myself. I’m stronger than that.” I need to start listening to myself. “No guy is going to have that kind of control over me.”
He smiles at me. “Chase stopped by the marina looking for you while you were out of town. I didn’t even know you were talking to him again. He must not know you very well anymore if he was looking for you at the marina.”
“Thanks for the heads up.”
“Are you coming to Joann’s house for the birthday party tonight?”
“Of course.” Damn. I forgot about Dad’s birthday. “What are you getting him?”
“Tyler and I are getting him an ice fishing camera. You know, the kind you feed into the ice hole so you can see the fish biting on the line. Do you want to go in on it with us? It’s kind of pricy.”
“Yes. How much?” He tells me the price, and after I gasp, I silently wish I had another option. Dad is worth it, though. Wes says I can owe him. My brothers definitely make more money than I do and honestly I don’t know if getting an advanced degree will change that. Someday, they will each have their own share of the marina—while I do God knows what. I wish Mom hadn’t ruined that part of my life for me.
***
The next day, I’m feeling pretty good about showing my family I’m not on the verge of suicide. At least I got out of the house and didn’t think about Liam for a couple of hours. I wonder what happened with him. Did I suck in bed? Was it too good? Was it just the idea of a relationship? I never pushed wanting more than friends. He’s the one who kept talking about being together when I got out to L.A. He sounded as if he was going to keep in touch. Why didn’t he?
My phone buzzes with a text and I still want it to be him, but it’s not. It’s Chase.
Chase sent me a nasty text the day after I got home from the island and I’ve been avoiding him ever since. I had called him from Sarah’s phone to explain why I couldn’t make our date. I didn’t just blow him off. I imagine if the tables had been turned and I was the one kicked to the curb, I wouldn’t have even gotten a text from him. I would have showed up at his house without any warning. I get that he’s mad about me ditching our date, but…really? I wanted to go to the wedding and he knew it. When Liam showed up with the apology letter, I couldn’t say no. It is probably time for me to talk to him, though.
Chase: I’m leaving my mom’s house. Are you at your dad’s?
Me: I’m here.
Chase: I’m coming over.
I barely have time to dress before he’s at my door. I should have told him not to come because I still wouldn’t put it past me to sleep with him just to prove I’m desirable. And that’s the last thing I need. He leans in and kisses my cheek as he closes the door behind him.
“So how’s your mom?”
“Great. Tell me about your trip. You went to Sarah’s wedding, right? The last I knew you weren’t going. Did Sarah apologize?”
“She did. It was Alli who leaked the information to the press and she got proof. I’m sorry I accused you.”
“It’s about time you came to your senses.” He sits down on my bed and stretches out as if he owns it. “I have some great memories from this room. And this bed. We really should make more.” He smiles the dirty smile that always made me melt, but I don’t melt. All I can think about is how much I would like to make memories with Liam, not only on my bed, but on the phone, or just talking.
I laugh to cover what I’m really thinking. “I’m not in the mood, Chase.”
He turns to me his blue eyes pinning me. “You slept with him, didn’t you?”
“With who?”
“The naked sandwich guy. I thought we were getting back together and then you spend the week fucking him.”
“What?” How would he know that?
“The guy falsely accuses you of selling him to the tabloids, calls you a liar and you spread your legs for him?”
What the hell? “What I did and didn’t do on my trip is none of your business.”
He runs his hand through his hair, taking a deep breath. “I’m
sorry. It just frustrates me. You know I’m still in love with you.”
“I’m still trying to figure us out, Chase.”
“But now that you know it was Alli who leaked that crap, you can’t blame me anymore, and we could get back together. I mean, you’re not with the actor, either. I warned you he was a bastard.”
“How do you know we’re not together?”
“I can tell. If you were with him you would be all giddy and defending him. But you’re not. I know you better than anyone, Meg. That’s why we belong together.”
I sit down on the bed next to him, and he places his hand on my knee.
“You are right about him. He is a bastard. He never really wanted more than sex.” It hurts to say it out loud. I really thought Liam and I had moved into a relationship. And then he just walked away.
“What an ass. You deserve better. You deserve me.”
He wraps his arm around me, and I rest my head on his shoulder. I’m just so tired.
“So are you ready to give me a second chance?”
I glance up to meet his eyes. I don’t know what to say. And he doesn’t give me time to think. He tilts my head and presses his lips to mine. Before I can suck in a breath, he pushes me onto my back and pins me with the weight of his body. I kiss him back, but it doesn’t feel right. There’s no effervescence. I don’t know if I have the energy to stop him until his hand slips under my tank. I have to stop this. I push against his chest, but Chase takes it as a positive reaction from me. His lips move down my neck and I can finally breathe.
“Stop. I can’t do this.”
“Your lips say no, but your body says, ravage me.”
“No, Chase. My body says no.” I pull myself up on my elbows. “I’m not ready for this.” It’s going to take a while before I can move on from Nordstrom. He did ruin me for other men, even Chase. “I don’t know. I think I just need some time for myself,” I say, closing my eyes.
“It’s our time, babe. Don’t squash it. I’ve waited for you to see the error of your ways and now that you figured it out…”
I crawl out from under him. The error of my ways? What did I do? There is no way I am to blame for what went wrong with us. “I’m moving in two weeks. What’s the point?” It’s not worth it for me to argue because he always wins our arguments.
“What’s the point?” His fingers brush across my cheek. “You don’t have to go to school, babe. We can start living our life together. If you feel you have to work, you can do books at the marina. I’m sure your dad could find a job for you. Or we can travel like I said.
My head is going to explode. I can’t believe he just said that. He doesn’t know me at all. “I need time for me to be me. I don’t want that kind of commitment. We don’t even know each other. I’m going to finish school. And that’s the most important thing to me right now.”
“Let’s beta it for the next two weeks then, and see how it goes. We can figure out the rest later. I’m flexible.” He completely ignores my words. And I am too weak to push him away.
Chapter 27
Liam
AS I STRUGGLE to repair the complete evisceration of my heart, I bury myself in work at the studio. Production for season four of Impassioned started, and since I’m the actor who brings in the most publicity for the show, my character is now the focal point of the ensemble cast and, of course, is addicted to painkillers. Some of my cast mates act as if I’m sleeping with one of the writers to up my screen time, while others are looking at me to bring them along on my rise to stardom.
My character has a new love interest this season, and since I can’t control my real love life, I pour everything I have into Ashton Post’s relationship on screen. Somehow, it is easier to touch another woman and kiss another woman when I’m not me. I think of it as therapy, a way to heal my soul, but I know it is not real. The director seems pleased with my performances, but the newbie actress who takes the brunt of my acting must think I’m a total jerk. On set, our relationship is real, palatable, but I don’t exist off set for her. She’s made several attempts to change that, but up until today I never considered it.
Last night, I stopped to see Seth at the rehab facility after getting home from work. I remember what a big deal it was when he visited me, so anytime I get out of the studio before visiting hours end, I make the effort to stop. I want to be there for him and let him know that even though I’m busy at the studio, I will make time for him. Instead, Dad hijacked my one-on-one time with Seth and spent two hours talking about the wedding. He rehashed everything that went down with Red and kept asking me about Meg. I guess I made an impression on him and Mom when I stood up for her and he figured we were still together. I couldn’t tell him otherwise.
“Hey, Liam. Is there any way you could give me a ride home?” my work girlfriend, Kat asks as I round the corner heading for the exit from my dressing room.
I stare at her with Ashton Post’s brooding face, wondering if it is just a ploy to get me to talk to her outside of work.
“I wouldn’t ask, except I rode in with Vera, but with the change in schedule, she left after lunch. If you can’t, I can call an Uber, but then I have to walk all the way to the gate.”
“It’s no problem,” I say trying to shut down Ashton’s persona and revive Liam Nordstrom. Our characters have chemistry and maybe it’s time to see if we have it too. “Do you mind if we stop for some food? I’m starved.”
“PLEASE. All I have in my apartment to eat is a bag of kale, a bottle of wine, and some Chinese noodles. With the hours we’ve been keeping, I’ve had to choose between working out and getting to the store. And, since I was in my underwear for most of the scenes we’ve filmed this week, I chose the gym. I figure I can eat at the studio.”
“I guess we shouldn’t hit the drive thru then.” I coax a smile onto my face. I’ve got to get out of this funk. We reach my car and I open the door for her to get in. When I’m settled in my seat, I start the engine and put the car in drive, not sure where I’m going because I never bothered to ask her where she lives.
“Can we go somewhere with real food?” she pleads. “We’re done with the underwear scenes. Aren’t we?”
“Unless Chris wants to reshoot them. It wouldn’t be the first time. He’s kind of a perfectionist when it comes to the bedroom scenes.”
“I thought it was just me. He does this all the time?”
I nod. “I think he directs porn in the off-season.”
She laughs. “He seems the type. I mean, did we really have to shoot that scene nineteen times? It wasn’t us. We were perfect. I bet your hand was cramped from fondling my breast. My lips were ready to fall off. I’m not complaining, but shouldn’t he figure out where the cameras need to go before we start making out?”
I laugh. It feels foreign to me.
“Can we eat at Pascal’s? I don’t care if I have a pasta bump tomorrow. Chris should have gotten the camera angle right the first nineteen times if he wanted my belly flat. I am. So. Hungry.” She dramatically stretches out the last four words.
This girl is actually funny.
At the restaurant, I stare at Katya from across the table. Her dark hair should be a flag for me, but I’m so numb I don’t care. Work girlfriend. Brunette. Broken rules may be just what I need. Her hazel-colored eyes catch me watching her, but it doesn’t slow down her talking. I’m grateful I don’t need to talk. Our meal is reminiscent of a date and it reminds me Meg and I never went on a proper date. We went from almost hooking up, to talking on the phone, to vacationing together. There was nothing normal about our relationship. No wonder she got scared and bolted. The buildup was too quick.
“Why haven’t we ever done this before? Vera says you just got out of a relationship.”
“Yep.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Nope.”
“I don’t really know many people in L.A. I just moved here before production started. I’d really like it if I could get to know you outside of
work. You don’t break character on set and no matter what the tabloids say, I don’t think you and Ashton Post are the same person.” Her nose crinkles and it reminds me of Meg. “I mean, we did spend the day groping each other. We should at least be friends.”
She’s right. I swallow a bite of my food and take a drink of water as I figure out how to play this.
“All right, what’s your most embarrassing moment?”
“You start with the hard questions, don’t you?”
“Nothing worthwhile is ever easy.”
We talk for another hour and by the time we make it back to her apartment, I feel a bit more relaxed. I walk her to the door because honestly her neighborhood doesn’t give off a safe vibe.
“Do you want to come up?” she asks, her eyes wide and pleading.
I nod, slipping my hand around hers, and Ashton Post follows her inside.
Chapter 28
Megan
I THOUGHT THE drive to California would be therapeutic, a way for me to put my past behind me and pull myself together before starting grad school. Instead, the four days alone in my car just confused my feelings. I talked to my friends. I listened to my entire music library three times, and I even wrote a letter in my head to my mom. I had plenty of time to second-guess my life choices.
Jessica says in the month since the wedding, Alli pulled out of medical school and is talking about starting a clothing line. I bet her parents are livid. That thought makes me smile just a little. I don’t care if she had a complete breakdown, I am never talking to Alli again. Her parents were overbearing, so what? They weren’t serial killers. Bad stuff happens to everyone. My mother, most likely, committed suicide. She took pills she found in my purse and walked out on thin ice. I don’t know why she did it and I probably never will. But you don’t see me selling Sarah to the tabloids and framing Alli. I have no empathy for her.
Between Friends (Between the Raindrops #3) Page 23
