by M. R. Joseph
Every decision I make takes effort. Even the ones that are placed in my hands take strength to decide whether I should or I shouldn’t.
“That sounds good. I’d like that. I had lunch with Owen a few weeks ago.”
She whispers in the phone, “Did he ask about me?” I laugh.
“Oh, yes, Lizzie. He told me he’s madly in love with you, and he’s so sorry he took that job in D.C. because that would only mean that the one night stand you guys had back in the day meant everything to him. He said it was the best sex of his life. Even better than that actress from that TV show he dated a few years ago.”
“Hardy har. Listen, Blanchard, I probably was the best sex he ever had. Even drunk on two bottles of Boone’s Farm wine and I bet I was better than that hoity-toity A-list actress.”
My body quakes from my laughter and I have to cover the receiving end of the phone so she doesn’t hear me.
“I gotta go, Lizzie. See you next week.”
“Wait, wait. Corrine, did he look hot?”
“You’re married to a handsome, rich, and sweet as pie dermatologist. Why do you care if Owen looks hot?”
She sighs in the phone. “Just the college freshman in me, I guess.”
“Then, yes, he looked super-hot. Bye, Liz.”
I can still hear her calling my name as I hang up the phone. I go back to my computer and decide to look at everything I’ve archived in the past years. All the photos I’ve taken. I come across pictures of freshman year. The year I went to Mass Arts and Mack went to Boston University. It was also the year we met Owen Decker, and our worlds were turned upside down.
MACK AND CORRINE ~ APRIL 2004
For it being the busiest year of my life, I’m having the best time. I’ve met some nice people and made a lot of friends. Mass Arts is an amazing school. I’ve learned so much so far, and there’s no doubt in my mind I want photography to be my career. High school photography classes were small potatoes compared to college photography courses. My camera is permanently attached to my body. Next year, I’m hoping Lizzie will switch schools and maybe move up here and we can get a little off-campus apartment.
As for guys, I’m forever ruined by one man. I’m not saying I haven’t had sex again. I have, once. It was silly and uneventful because all I kept wishing was that it was Mack. I’d shut my eyes so tight just so I could see Mack. After we had sex, we kept saying it wouldn’t change us. We weren’t going to be boyfriend and girlfriend. It wouldn’t happen between us again. I wished afterwards he didn’t make it so abundantly clear. But that’s how it was. I had to get over it. I kept telling myself it was just sex. It was taking mercy on a virgin. I didn’t even tell Lizzie. She still thinks the guy in my romance languages class took my ‘V’ card.
I thanked God that the week between it happening and leaving for school, Mack and I were busy packing and spending time with our families. We went to Freeport and traveled out to Port Jefferson. They took us to a concert at Jones Beach. We went to the city and stopped at Rockefeller Center just like old times, except it wasn’t. John Cooper was missing.
All those little trips were difficult because I kept feeling a sense of awkwardness knowing Mack saw me naked. He touched my boobs. His penis was inside me. I felt like a fool but he didn’t make me feel that way. It was all in my head. But I wanted him to be affected.
Our last night at home, we looked up at the old, fading glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling of my bedroom. We lay there not saying much. It killed me to lie next to him like that. I wanted to touch him. I wanted him to touch me, but I knew that wasn’t going to happen. It still tortured me.
It’s not easy pretending you’re not in love with your best friend. Keeping up the façade is exhausting, especially when I see him with other girls. If he were still with Veronica, I think that would be worse. She didn’t end up going to that college near us in Boston. She stayed home to take a few night courses at the local community college. Mack told me she called him during winter break. He didn’t say much about their conversation only that she wanted to see him. It made me a little sick knowing that.
Our schools are just a twenty-minute train ride apart. Mack and his roommate, Owen, pledged a frat and their house is always buzzing with parties. The rest of Mack and Owen’s frat brothers know me and know that I’m off limits. But, I bring girls with me so I’m always in their good graces. Frat boys love artsy girls.
Tonight I chose to be a school nerd and stay in and forgo a mixer at BU. I have a project due for my Alternative Techniques class and I’d rather get it done than put it on the back burner. Owen keeps calling to see if I’ll change my mind.
Not happening. I sit in the darkroom I have permission to use and listen to some music. My phone buzzes, and I see the front screen reads that it’s Owen calling. I roll my eyes and chuckle to myself. He’s as relentless as he is harmless.
I flip my phone open to answer.
“Owen, I told you I’m working on my project. I’ll meet you guys in town tomorrow for breakfast, okay?”
“Corrine?”
He sounds upset.
“What’s wrong, Owen. Is it Mack? Is he hurt? Is he okay?”
“He’s not hurt, but he’s on his way to see you. Please, Corrine, just listen to him. Hear what he has to say.”
So my stomach takes a tumble. If he’s not hurt, maybe he’s coming to tell me he finally realizes he feels the same way about me. My palms start to sweat so badly I almost drop the phone. This is it. Mack’s going to tell me he loves me and I’ll tell him the same thing.
A bang at the door of the dark room startles me, and I tell Owen I think Mack is here, and hang up. I turn off the darkroom developing lights and turn on the normal fluorescents. I unlock the door and open to see Mack’s hand covering his mouth. He’s pale and sweating. His appearance frightens me, so I pull him in the room and slam the door shut. Mack begins to pace back and forth. Suddenly, I feel as though this man is not here to tell me he loves me.
“Mack, is it Jocelyn?” He shakes his head no. Then my mind goes to my parents.
“Please don’t tell me it’s my parents.” He doesn’t answer. He just cries, and I want to throw up. He turns and leans on one of the sinks. I grab him by the shoulders and spin him around.
“Is it my parents, Mack? Are they dead?” I scream.
His answer is no. Thank God.
I breathe in relief and settle my back onto the counter behind me.
“Then what the hell is wrong with you?”
He looks up but not in my eyes. It’s like he’s looking through me.
“Veronica’s pregnant.”
I shrug. “So what? What idiot would actually knock her up?”
“I’m … I’m the idiot.”
Words escape me. The world I live in comes to a screeching halt and Mack begins to weep.
No.
No.
No.
That’s the only thing going through my head. My chest heaves, and I run and push Mack away from the sink just as the bile comes up from my throat. I’m heaving and trying to catch my breath, but I can’t breathe. I can’t feel. I can’t understand.
I stutter out. “How? You haven’t been together. She’s lying, Mack. It’s someone else’s. You haven’t been together!” I yell, but I can’t hear myself.
He tries to touch my back, but I shrug him off. I don’t know whether to hit him or cry.
“When, Mack? When?”
“Winter break. I met up with her. We had coffee and talked about when we broke up. She said she needed closure. We wound up in her car and …”
I hold up my hand up to stop him from telling me all the gory details because I’m so afraid of throwing up again.
“Don’t, Mack. Just don’t. You … you need a DNA test or something. This cannot be happening. How do you know for sure it’s yours? Jesus, Mack.”
Mack grabs onto his hair and looks up to the sky. He stares upwards, and I’m wondering if he thinks the answer to my questi
on is written on the ceiling. I yell out his name and he answers, finally. “It’s mine, Rinny. I know it is. And before you say a thing about it, I didn’t use protection. I thought that if I just … if I timed it right I wouldn’t have to use one.”
I turn away from him and press my hands to my chest trying to dull the ache in my heart.
“For being such a smart guy, Mack, you’re so fucking stupid. So stupid.” I still can’t catch my breath. All I can hear is his voice. I firmly hold the counter while my back is to him and bow my head.
“I know. It wasn’t supposed to happen, but she seduced me. I’m not weak but you were the last person I was with. I mean I’ve gone out with girls when I came to BU, but I’m not that guy. I don’t go out looking to get laid.”
When he talks about me being the last person he had sex with, the pieces of my newly broken heart chips away even more. I wanted to be the last, not the one before the last. I knew Veronica was evil. I just didn’t realize she’d sink this low. But I can’t blame her entirely for it all either.
“Rinny, I’ll get a paternity test after the baby is born, but for now in my heart, I know this is my kid. I can’t say how I feel it, but I do.”
I swipe at my nose and my eyes pretending like it’s not affecting me even more than it already is. My fear of all fears is that he’ll go back to her. He’ll be with her, and I don’t think I’ll be able to accept that. I don’t think I could have him in my life if he’s with her.
Not looking him directly in the eye, I go back to my work and put on my suit of armor.
“Well, I guess you’ll be doing eighteen to life then.” I sniff and make myself look busy even though I have no idea what I think I’m accomplishing.
I feel his hand on my shoulder. “Rinny, I need you. I need you by my side. I don’t know which way is up. I don’t know what to do.”
The weight of his hand on me feels heavy, yet so warm and safe. I can’t explain it, but I know as much as this hurts like hell I have to be there for him. He’s been with me so many times. He saved me from something that could have been catastrophic. How can I turn my back on him now when he needs me the most? But the question in my heart lingers.
I look at the negatives in front of me on the counter and ask, “Will you marry her?”
My breath is held and my heart pounds against my chest waiting for his answer. His fingers become firmer on my shoulder as he answers, “No, Rinny. I don’t love her but I have to be there for her. She’s carrying my child. I’m not going to marry her just because I got her pregnant. I know some people might think that’s wrong, and maybe it is, but I can’t marry someone I don’t love. What kind of life would that be for any of us?”
The air releases from my lungs after he speaks and, even though I still feel his hand on me, I am weightless with relief.
Thank you, God. Thank you.
“What are you going to do about school? Are you going to drop out? Get a job?”
Mack sits on a stool nearby and hangs his head.
“I don’t want to do that. I want to be a journalist. I want a career. But I want to do all the right things for this kid. I don’t want to be a deadbeat dad who is never around. I need to be there for my kid like my dad was.”
“You will be, Mack. You’ll be a good dad like John was.”
I see Mack’s shoulders shaking, and his hands go to his face as he cries. I do what I always do. I go to him. I crouch down so I’m level with his knees, and I run my thumb along the scar above his eye. Not because I’m sorry for something I did, but this time because I’m sorry for something he did.
Being back home for the summer kind of sucks. I was sad to leave Mass Arts because it meant having to come home, live under my parents rules once again, and watch Mack struggle with the fact he is about to become a father. Jocelyn did not take the news of Veronica’s pregnancy well at first. She wants a paternity test as soon as the baby is born. I don’t blame her. I’d like to know myself. Mack has no doubts. He said that in his heart he knows the kid is his.
Veronica has held Mack at arm’s length. She let him go to doctor’s appointments with her in the beginning. He went to the first ultrasound and everything was fine. He doesn’t see much of her except, of course, when she needs money for her copays and maternity clothes. He calls every day to check in with her to see how she is, but she hardly answers. He followed her to an appointment a few weeks back, and they wouldn’t allow him to go in because of some kind of privacy law. He fought with the office manager, and he was thrown out for demanding to be allowed to go in. I waited outside the office building with him for hours waiting for her to come out after her appointment. We never saw her.
Veronica seemed fine in the beginning. She was fine with them not being together. She said she was interested in someone else. They came to an agreement that it was important for Mack to finish school. She would remain on Long Island with the baby and her mother, who, by the way, is a nut job and a half. Mack told Veronica that he would pay for an apartment up in Boston for her and the baby out of his inheritance. He wanted to spend it on her and a kid who may not even be his. Veronica refused to move to Boston. I, for one, was glad she made at least one good decision in her life.
Money this and money that. That’s what Veronica wanted. John had investments after investments. He and Jocelyn managed their money well and when he died, Mack inherited a lot of it.
And Veronica somehow knew that.
I haven’t seen Veronica except when Mack asked me to come to his house with him so they could tell his mom. Uncomfortable was an understatement. I didn’t want to be there. Veronica sure as hell didn’t want me to be there. Her mother was there, too, and she gave me dirty looks the whole time. But Mack wanted me to be there, and I didn’t give a damn who didn’t.
Lizzie saw her about two weeks ago with people she’s never seen before. She waitresses at some restaurant near Freeport, so maybe they were some of the people she knows from there. Lizzie said she looked thin except for the big belly. And she was very pale. Guess her sun bathing days in Long Beach were long gone.
I don’t really care about Veronica anyway. I just worry about Mack.
Like all of our typical Sunday dinners, they all start and end with some kind of debate. Owen is here for a visit so the poor guy gets a taste of what it’s like to have dinner with the Coopers and the Blanchards.
Mack and my dad debate about the upcoming primaries. Mack being a libertarian and Daddy being a democrat makes for some interesting topics. Owen’s eyes go back and forth between the two, while me, my mother, Jocelyn, and Lizzie—because Owen is here—just watch and laugh.
When August arrives in Long Island, it’s a sticky, sweaty, bug-infested mess. We eat out on the screened in porch because of it. You can smell the sea air and, once in a while, you get a breeze, but that’s not often.
As the debate gets louder, I notice Mack’s phone buzzing beside him. He and Daddy are yelling in a playful way to each other so loudly he doesn’t notice. I don’t recognize the number, but then it stops. Two seconds later it starts back up again.
“Mack,” I say quietly, but he doesn’t hear me. “Mack,” I say louder and swat at his arm. “Your phone is ringing for the second time. Stop and answer it.”
He grabs it, answers it, and stutters as he tries to listen to the information being told to him on the other line.
“I don’t understand, Mrs. Matthews … the baby isn’t due for six more weeks. I don’t … Okay. I’m coming now. Yes, right now.”
Jocelyn gets up from the table. “What’s wrong, honey? Is she in labor?”
“She’s … she’s unconscious and bleeding. An ambulance just took her to the hospital. I … I have to go.” Mack sprints out the door without hesitation and we all follow.
Sitting in hospital waiting rooms gives me the creeps. Especially when you have no idea what the hell is going on behind a set of heavy, wooden doors.
Jocelyn cries as my mom holds her. We haven’t seen o
r heard from Mack since we arrived here over an hour ago. You can cut the tension with a knife. Veronica’s mom sits in a chair by the window and prays aloud. Lizzie sits and holds my hand. Owen paces back and forth not sure what to do. When we got here, Mack was rushed into the maternity ward. He looked back at me when the doors shut. I wanted to tell him not to worry, but my gut is telling me another story.
A sound startles us and we look up to see a man dressed in scrubs with a mask hanging around his neck come through the door.
“Mrs. Matthews?” Veronica’s mom stands up and goes to him.
“My daughter. Is she okay? There was so much blood and vomit. I didn’t know what to do when I found her.”
The doctor motions for her to take a seat. He sits beside her and we wait.
“Mrs. Matthews, are you aware that your daughter has been using intravenous drugs?” Veronica’s mother stares in disbelief and shakes her head no.
“Mrs. Matthews, your daughter overdosed this evening which put her into labor. We had to do an emergency cesarean because she was brought in unconscious. Her heart stopped several times and our medical team brought her back; however, the lack of oxygen to her brain may have done significant damage. She’s not awake, and I’m very sorry to tell you, she may not wake up.”
The woman faints and falls off her chair. Daddy and Owen rush to pick her up off the floor. Jocelyn screams and stands up.
They wheel her away on a gurney
“The baby. Where is the baby? Where is my son?”
“Are you Mr. Cooper’s mother?” Jocelyn nods. “The baby is small, but so far she seems to be okay. We won’t know if the drugs her mother was using affected her just yet. Sometimes it could be a delayed reaction. We’re keeping a close eye on her.”
Her.
“Is Mack with her?” I ask.
The doctor turns to me. “Are you Corrine?” I nod.
“Mr. Cooper is asking for you and his mother. Are you a relative?”
Jocelyn speaks up, “She is. She’s his sister.”
