by Leaona Luxx
“Get. The. Fuck. Away.” Growling at Eric, Hardy stands over him. One walks toward us as Aksel, Lea and One’s oldest son, joins him on either side of Hardy.
“I see. You’re still playing the part of a wounded lost boy. No worries, dude. I’ll be happy to tell them.” Eric wipes the blood from his mouth with the back of his hand. Snickering, he gathers himself from the floor.
“Get the fuck outta here, it’s not the time.” Hardy takes a step toward Eric, who responds with a sly grin.
“Did you think paying me off would keep me quiet?” Eric steps closer as One moves to my side. Hardy’s face washes with anger.
“Eric, I’m warning you. Enough.” Hardy stands face to face with Eric, who is still wearing the same smirk. His eyes never leaving Hardy’s, but it’s me he speaks to.
“Have you seen his ’67 Mustang, Thayer? I got a pretty penny for it. He’ll do just about anything for you. Well, almost anything. Seems as though he won’t tell you the truth.” Hardy’s hands twist in Eric’s shirt as he pushes him off the dance floor.
“Hardy. Stop.” Hurrying to him, I yank on his arm, trying to plead with him to let go of Eric.
“He ain’t gonna stop. Girl, he’d rather kill me than lose you.” Eric laughs.
“Leave. Now, Eric,” Hardy growls in Eric’s face. His eyes hooded and dark.
“Tell me what? Tell me, damn it.” Finally losing my cool, I scream at the both of them. Hardy turns his face to me, his eyes filling with unshed tears. What the fuck is about to happen?
“No,” Hardy answers with a shake of his head as he unwinds from Eric’s shirt.
“Hardy’s married,” Eric pronounces, yet that’s not the gut check moment it should be. He saves that delivery for the needle across the record screeching announcement it is. “And a father. Although, both are dead now. It’s easy for some people to get away with murder.”
The color drains from Hardy’s face as his refrained tears roll from his eyes, and he falls to his knees in front of me. Feeling light-headed, I stumble as my nephew, Hawk catches me. Everything is spinning, I can’t catch my breath. Reaching for One, he picks me up in his arms, carrying me to a nearby chair.
“Water. Get Thayer some water, please.” One looks to Lea for help, and she’s by my side in a flash. Turning, my oldest brother clears the place. “Shows over, folks, thank you for joining us.” As refined as a southern gentleman can be. The guests begin to dissipate as what’s left of my life lies in ruins on the beach.
“He’s been lying to you all this entire time. Hardy’s no good, never has been. Helping him get clean was a good thing. But leaving my sister and their baby to die in the gutter wasn’t. Did he tell you? Did he tell any of you who he was? That he had a family? That he had killed my sister?” Eric bellows as his anger explodes on us.
“Stop. She has nothing to do with this, Eric. Thayer’s innocent,” Hardy murmurs from his position on the floor. Unmoving as tears stream down his face, his eyes downcast.
“Oh but she does, Hardison. She’s the reason you left Erica with your innocent baby.” Looking between Hardy and myself, Eric’s eyes widen as he begins to chuckle. “You’ve got to be kidding me? He didn’t tell any of you? Really?” Eric’s laughter echoes through the evening air, thick with humidity and mire.
“Spit it out goddamn it and leave! I’ve had enough of your shit,” One spews.
“Why, thank you. Hardy knew your little sister long before now. He’s been in love with her since she was a little girl. Truth be told, he became your friend for that very reason.” Eric glares at Hardy, who’s still on the floor, unmoving. “He’s a user. He’s a drug addict. He’s no good, never has been. He shot my sister up and left her for dead, so he could wait until your little sister became old enough. He’s a sick fuck.” Eric rages as he stands before Hardy, who remains on his knees in front of us all.
Swallowing back the bile in my throat, I wrap my arms around myself and stand. Crossing the room slowly, I place myself between Hardy and Eric. Hardy’s nearly silent weeping makes my heart ache, but now I’ll be strong enough for the both of us.
“Thank you, Eric. If for a minute, you didn’t think I knew who Hardy was, you’re wrong. I know him, I know who he is. Who he’ll be after this, so thank you. You can leave.” I’m wrestling my emotions with every word, but Eric isn’t my biggest fear. Hardy is. Will he understand?
“Gladly. I just came to destroy him like he did my sister.” Eric stands glaring at me, so I give him all he can handle.
“Alright, mother fucker, you’ve done that. Your life long vendetta is paid in full. Look at him, he’s done. It’s over. You’ve crushed him. Bravo, asshole. Now tell me this, will it bring her back? Did you do to her what you did to him? Curse her? Ruin her? She was a drug addict; she knew exactly what the fuck might happen. Hardy’s lived with this life sentence like the rest of you. He pays the goddamn price every day. You don’t know him, his heart or mind. You have no fucking idea about who he is in here, you son of a bitch.” Pounding my chest with every word, I want him to know who he’s dealing with. I don’t fucking back down.
“Whatever. He’s useless, you’ll find out exactly who he is.” Eric smirks as he backs away. “And if you don’t, I promise, I’ll make you both pay. But one way or the other, Hardy will only exist to mourn my sister. She and the baby deserved more than he ever gave them.”
“You’re right. They did deserve more, maybe Erica paid the price, but Hardy has also. There will never be a time that he pays enough for your liking. But I can promise you one thing, if you don’t destroy him this time and you ever come after us again, I’ll finish you. You better make sure you understand, I’m not afraid of you or what you bring to the table.” I point in his face.
Eric begins to say something but is cut off. “My sister has spoken. Now, leave.” Chord is now in his face, walking him off the dance floor backward. I’m not sure where Eric goes, my attention is back on Hardy.
Eric’s departure leaves me with my life in ashes. My eyes flicker to my family, shock and devastation written on each face. I turn to Hardy wanting an explanation. Hoping, no, praying, he has one. Still on his knees, he hasn’t attempted to look at me, to look at any of us.
“Hardy. Please, say something. Anything,” I say, silently pleading for him to look at me. His head shakes as he begins to rub his thighs. “For the love of God, say something.” I’m begging him now as my tears begin to fall.
“It’s true,” he murmurs his two word answer, incensing One.
“What the fuck are you talking about, Hardy? Was there never a time you thought you could tell me, tell her? Goddamn you.” His voice rising before he hurls a glass across the beach. Lea takes him by the arm.
“One. One, Thayer’s got this. Come on.” Her words crack as she holds her emotions in check as much as possible. Hardy sits back on his heels.
“I…I couldn’t tell you.” He raises his face but still refuses to look me in the eyes.
“Couldn’t tell me, that’s all you have to say? You couldn’t tell me? Tell me what? How you were married? That you were a father?” My body is trembling with anger, my hands in fists at my sides. He doesn’t even realize why I’m hurt.
“I knew this would happen. I knew you all would treat me differently.” Hardy stands, wiping his face. “None of you would accept me for who I am, what I was. Tell the truth. Better yet, look around damn it. Does this resemble the look of acceptance?” He’s seething, his face now red from anger.
“What the fuck are you talking about? Acceptance? When have we ever treated you differently?” Balling my fist, I point in his face. My temper gets the best of me when I begin to yell again pushing up on my tiptoes. Our family grows quiet when we stand face to face.
“Now. Right now, Thayer. Look around us, go ahead. Disdain and utter disgust for the drugged out murderer.” His arms swing wildly, his eyes shrouded and dark.
“You’ve lost your damn mind, that’s why we’re staring. It’s n
ot disdain, it’s disbelief.” I grit my teeth as I hold back the words I really want to say.
“Did you ever believe in me, Thayer?” Hardy turns cold, his eyes black as night. I don’t know him after all.
“I believed in us. I believed in you even when you didn’t. If you’d stop spending so much time trying to ruin everything we’ve built, we might just work.” Reaching forward, I attempt to lay my hand on his chest. He leans away, crushing me.
“You shouldn’t have. I told you. Just go the fuck on and find someone more deserving.” He sets his mouth as if he’s spoken his piece.
“Go to hell. Stop telling me what I deserve, you don’t get to decide that.” For the first time since meeting Hardy, I walk away from him. What’s worse, he watches me do it.
I’m not even sure when Lea catches up with me. Wedding gown fisted in one hand, she takes my keys, helping me into my truck. Sliding behind the wheel, Lea drives me home in silence. Walking me patiently inside, she follows me to my bedroom, helping me out of my maid of honor dress.
While I’m curling up on my couch, Lea brings me a glass of wine. She plants herself on the floor beside me, twirling the tendrils of my hair with one hand. When my tears begin, it’s as if a monstrous fissure breaks inside me. Ripping me in two. I fall to pieces, not knowing what else to do.
Hardy believes he’s protecting me. Protecting me from him. He never wanted me to see this part of him, the parts he thinks would keep me from loving him. Never considering those are the things which make me love him. His devotion, his regret which helps him strive to be a better man. His guilt for the lives lost.
“Why, Lea? Why wouldn’t he just tell me? It’s me, I’ve shared every secret I have with him because I believed in our love. In his love for me.” The levee breaks as Lea joins me on the couch, holding me.
My mom comes over a little later with Lea’s daughter-in-law’s, One has the twins with the boys help. I never would’ve imagined One with eight children, but he’s an amazing father. He even sent Lea a change of clothes; she’s been in her wedding dress all day.
“Oh, my God. Lea, go home. It’s your wedding night.” I turn to her, begging. She smiles her sweet, laid back smile as she brushes my hair from my face.
“Not on your life, sweet girl. I’m where One and I both know I should be.” Kissing me on the forehead, she eases my head back down in her lap where I’ve been for hours now.
“Your brother’s fine, it’ll do him and the boys good to take care of the twins.” Mom sits across from us as she places a cup of tea on the table, nodding in my direction. “He was born to be a father. And he knows you can use Lea more here. The girls ran out for food and a few supplies.” Mom finishes as she picks her phone up.
“Has anyone heard from him?” I search my mother’s eyes when she looks up from her phone.
“No, baby. Your dad and Chord went by his place, but he wasn’t there,” she says empathetically.
The rest of the weekend, I spend broken. Christy comes over to relieve Mom and Lea. She watches me closely. There’s no need as I begin to come to terms with all I’ve lost. He’s not coming back.
In the days after the ‘wedding disaster’, the aftermath was immeasurable. I bury myself under work. Hardy hasn’t been around; One’s been by his place, but there’s no one there. Chord and even the boys have all dropped by or sent texts to no avail. Hardy, by all appearances, is gone. He refuses to talk to or see any of them.
There’s been no word on Eric, he’s disappeared also. As well he should, he came to destroy and that he did. His vendetta against Hardy was a high price paid by more than Hardy. It more than likely explains Hardy’s reservations about us.
I refuse to call or text him. Driving by his house is unavoidable, though I try not to look. I go out to Still Creek every day. Not looking for him, just wanting to be with him. It’s our place, our home. By the end of the week, Hardy sends One a message, stating he no longer works for him. There’s a ‘for sale’ sign in his yard. He’s gone.
Every minute of each day, I try to make sense of this. Loss is never easy. People tend to come to terms when they’re ready. I’m not ready. I’m not sure I’ll ever be. Trying to wrap my head around why Hardy thinks any of this is a reason to walk away, makes me insane. Losing someone by death is the most heartbreaking, earth-shattering emotion known to man. But losing someone because they think it’s for the best is just devastating.
Do they think they’re saving the other person? Saving them from years of heartache? Right now, I’d say ‘hell no, it’s for selfish reasons’ because I don’t think my heart will ever heal. Sometimes, there are no words to explain how broken you are or what even broke you in the first place. The deep-seated need to be held by the person who broke you is somewhat masochistic.
Yet, here I am, arms tightly wound around my legs. Rocking in place, in the middle of my bed, just needing him. Wanting Hardy to make it all go away. But he can’t. He took away my option. My choice. He left me having to accept his decision for my life.
Why the fuck do people feel the need to make those kinds of choices for each other? You’re still leaving one fucked up person behind. Grieving and blaming themselves for not loving you more. It’s a chicken shit escape.
When days turn to weeks, the ache in my chest ebbs and flows. Like the tide on the shore, sometimes the waves break, the impact minuscule. On the other hand, sometimes the wave builds deep beneath the water, rising to an explosive wave that batters the beach. Taking with it the foundation which holds the shore together. The tide washing away everything except the bad. It stays.
Those dreadful weeks turn into a month. A month, into two. I find myself reverting back to counting days. Who does that? Me. Sixty-one days without feeling his warmth against my body. If I had ever worried I’d forget his voice or his face, my dreams remind me it’s an impossible task. The impact his presence made in my life was so altering it catches me off guard most days.
Still, I love him.
By the end of the third month, it’s clear I need to move on. Hardy’s never going to come back. I’m tired. Tired of waiting. Of being broken. Dreaming of him, wishing he’d just call and talk to me. Missing him and the warmth of his body. Hardy loves me even though he refuses to be with me. And I love him. I’m not sure I know how not to.
“Thayer, it’s dancing. Just us girls. No partying, no men. Besides, I’m fucking married to your brother. We’re taking my daughter-in-law and fiancées of your nephews, it’s drinks.” Lea wrestles my niece, Harlyn to diaper her. She and her twin brother Wren, are almost six months old. Hardy’s missing everything.
“Fine. However, I will not be free to meet anyone. Got it?” I say emphatically. Lea lays Harlyn in her pack-n-play before turning to me.
“Thayer, I know hurt. I know being scared to love. I would never push you, sweetie. It’s too soon, I get it. How are you doing?” Lea sits beside me, taking her eyes off of her children long enough to make sure I know she cares.
“The same, just hiding it better. I miss him but I think, I know, I need to move on. Hardy will never come back now.” I wipe the tears falling from my eyes as Lea turns to me.
“Thayer, love makes people braver than they’ve ever been. It also makes them chicken shits. I, of all people, understand why someone hides their past. I also hid from mine. I was convinced I would be the downfall of Malone.” Worry mars her face at the thought.
“I remember. How did you ever overcome it? The fear?” She hands me a tissue for my constantly leaking eyes.
“I didn’t. Malone stayed angry with me for all of the back and forth, my God, he’s a good man. But he knew I would need to come to terms with being loved. Oddly enough, I never doubted my love. I didn’t think anyone was strong enough to love me. What do we deserve if not love? Malone said that to me. He made me recognize the love I had all along. To accept what was given freely, something I’d never received. Sometimes, it’s hard to fathom why someone rejects love. Most of the time, it’s
because they don’t love themselves.” Standing, she walks over to look in on the twins, who have fallen asleep.
“So now what? Move on? Wait for him to realize I love him?” Taking a sip of my water then I grab another tissue.
“I can’t tell you. Your path is yours. You can’t do it the way we did. But you do need to recognize it when it comes. Don’t, no matter what, give up if you’re not ready to shut him out.” Lea pulls me into a hug. “Now, let’s get dressed for drinks by the ocean.” Patting me on the back, she walks toward her bedroom.
Later, we spend a great evening on the shore. We dance our asses off while drinking everything we can stand. It is a great night. One we each pay for the entire day on Sunday.
Our family gathered at my parents for a cookout, the first of the season. Chord and I made a quick run to the grocery store for Mom when she realized she had forgotten a few items. We split up once there to make it faster, both of us not wanting to miss a thing. Rounding the corner, I don’t notice what’s in front of me, and I run into a wall of a man.
Catching me before I hit the floor, are strong, tatted arms. His hands around my waist grip me tight, stopping me from hitting the floor. I take the opportunity to feel his biceps, nice but he’s no Hardy.
“Walker. What the fuck are you doing to my sister?” Walker. Nice name, must be a country boy.
“Chord. This is Thayer?” My newfound friend looks me up and down, still not letting go.
“It is. Mind letting her go?” Chord’s voice grows deep making me tilt my head questioning the issue he has with Walker. Chord rolls his eyes with a shake of his head, then reaches for me. Pulling me from his grasp.
“I’m beginning to wonder what kind of friend you are, Chord. Having a sister that looks like this but never sharing.” His smile spreads wide when his brow cocks to the side.
“It makes me a better brother, I believe.” Walker’s smile shifts into a smirk as he fake punches Chord in the arm.
“It’s good to see you, man. A pleasure, Thayer.” Walker takes my hand, shaking it before he walks away.
