by Leaona Luxx
“Until you’re willing to let me in, Thayer, we’ll always be on the threshold of something earth-shattering. You have to allow me in, not halfway. Give us a chance.” Walker kisses the top of my head and walks away.
Standing under the night sky, Walker’s words eat away at my soul. He’s so right. I spent so much time begging Hardy to give us a chance, here I am doing the same thing to Walker. Folding my arms over my chest, a chill runs down my spine making me shudder.
It’s cold out tonight, but then, the hair on my neck stands on end. My stomach begins flipping, making me catch my breath. It’s then I begin looking around. I have no idea why, but I can feel Hardy. I feel his eyes on me, his hands roaming my body. I feel him deep inside me.
Losing myself to the memory of Hardy, my head falls back as I run my hand around my neck. Thinking of Hardy’s lips on it, his mouth on me. My face flushes, and I take a ragged breath. Finally, I release his name into the dead of night. Calling to him. “Hardy. I still love you. Come back to me.”
Suddenly, I hear a noise in the dark. Across from where I stand there’s movement in the trees. Oddly enough, I’m not frightened. Something pulls deep within me, and I take a step toward my driveway. Then two. Standing on the edge of the woods, my breathing ragged, I can feel him.
“Hardy, it’s okay, baby. Come home. Please. Don’t make me go on without you.” Tears break their barriers; I fall to my knees, crying. Praying he’ll come back.
November. Five months’ post Hardy. The days are still long and nights are even colder. Two weeks ago, I set on the side of the road begging a shadow to come back and love me. I’m not sure why, but I know he was there. It made me see that no matter what was said, he wasn’t coming back.
Our family readies for Thanksgiving. This year, thanks to Lea and One, our family has grown to almost quadruple its original size. We love it, so we’re planning a huge dinner at my mom and dad’s. Walker and I will split time between our parents’ homes.
Three weeks out and my mother has practically bought four groceries stores out. Nothing pleases my mother more than to cook for her grandchildren.
Walker and I amp up our time together. We still haven’t slept together, but we’ve messed around. It keeps him at arm’s length, no pun intended. He’s satisfied, and I’m still learning to open up more. Trust will always be an issue, but I’m safe with Walker.
Late one afternoon, I get a call from Lea. She’s on her way to my office and asks me to clear my afternoon. I begin to panic, as I think about the only reason she would be being so ‘cloak and dagger’. Turns out, I don’t have to wait long.
Ellis Kipton walks through my office door with One clearing his way. I get weak in the knees, losing my balance. One is by my side in a split second as Lea comes barreling through the door, straight to my side.
“Are you okay, baby?” I’m wrapped in Lea’s arms as quick as one of her children would be. I love her so much.
“I’m good. What’s going on?” One helps us to our feet then he directs me to sit. Before anyone can answer me, my parents and Chord walk through the door.
“Alright, Ellis. We’re all here, tell us what you’ve got.” One starts before our parents are even sitting.
“Thayer, after speaking to you and Lea a few weeks ago, I put two of my best men on your case. We branched out into Charleston after a week. This file contains everything we have on Hardy. We left no stone unturned, until we hit a wall in Charleston.” One reaches for the file and begins combing through it.
“Just tell me, Ellis.” My leg trots in place as I rub my hands together. I may or may not have chewed a hole in my lip at this point.
“Some of this I feel terribly disturbed sharing with you. It’s personal. I know it’s what I’m paid for, but this, this is pretty bad.” Ellis looks around the room to gauge the reaction.
“I know most of it, Ellis. It’s only his last few years I’m not sure about.” Speaking slowly, I’m hoping to calm myself.
“Hardy ran away from foster care at fifteen. His then foster family was later convicted of child molestation and abuse. Not only the girls in their care. Hardy couldn’t be found to corroborate the story. So no charges were filed on his behalf. There should have been, Thayer. Hardy was later tracked to Charleston, South Carolina where he became a known drug addict. His drug use was not limited to pills, he also used intravenous drugs.” Ellis pauses.
“We knew this much, Ellis. When One and I found Hardy, we set him up in rehabilitation. We were privy to his predilection. I’m not sure how much he had shared with my daughter, though.” Dad looks at me sympathetically.
“He was honest with me. Certain details were spared, but nonetheless, he protected me.” It’s really no one’s business what we did, but Hardy continued to get screened every month. He didn’t need to after all of this time but chose to for us.
“While in Charleston, Hardy met Erica Murphy. Erica was two years and ten months older than Hardy. Her arrest record is extensive, also included in the file. She had been in and out of rehab for years prior to meeting Hardy. Erica was a twin to Eric, the Murphys’ only children. Eric has an arrest record with numerous drug convictions. Recently, he sold a Mustang given to him by Hardy. The money went to his parents, along with a continued payment from Hardy. He paid the Murphys’ a thousand dollars a month. Hardy also paid all of Erica’s hospital bills and funeral costs. A payment he had made since he was eighteen, he was in rehab when he started them. I’m assuming by the allowance Cal gave him each month.” My body trembles from the restraint I’m trying to keep. My tears fall continuously.
“I knew it. Honorable. He’s a good man. Please go on.”
“Hardy married Erica knowing she was pregnant. Her medical records and blood tests for the marriage show it aligned. No one knew the baby’s gender until after she passed. It’s apparent, Erica was the influence on Hardy. He didn’t get her hooked. Erica had been an addict for years before Hardy. Now, the trail goes cold. We have no clue if Hardy knew at the time Erica had overdosed. He sends flowers every week to make sure she and the baby have some. They were buried together. Hardy was never charged in her death. Now, here’s where things get odd. My contact at the police department told me Hardy was never in question as to having caused her death, and there was no proof the baby was even his. But he’s listed as the father and her husband.” Playing with the delicate flower around my neck, I wipe away tears.
“Where is he?” My voice breaks on every word.
“No clue. He’s apparently living on the streets again because there’s no trace of him. Now, with that said, his truck is in storage in Wilmington, and there’s a beige-colored, nineteen seventy Chevy C10 registered in his name. It’s been spotted on traffic cameras in Charleston and here. Hardy’s been here, at least a few times as far as we can tell. And for the record, Hardy’s mother was a teacher at Thayer’s pre-school. Hardy may have seen her. He may have remembered Thayer, but there is no evidence he stalked her. Unless you count the weeks before she moved home. He watched her every weekend.” Ellis Kipton glances around the room, taking in our family. “I’ll give you this, he’s a damn fool. I’ll tell him myself if I ever run into him. Any person loved as much as he is, needs his ass kicked. I’m going to keep looking, and when I find him, I’m going to tell him to come home.”
Lea sits with me as the family digs through all of the paperwork looking for clues. I knew it. I knew that I had felt him. I knew he was here. But that in itself is enough to make me want to move on. I can’t hang on to someone who doesn’t want to be here. Always watching over me but never believing in me.
By the end of the night, I make a decision that will seal my fate. Walker texted me late, telling me he was coming over. Not wanting to be alone, I agreed. Besides, it’s time to move on. I need to give Walker the chance he deserves. I’ve said it a hundred times but have yet to follow through.
Waiting at the door for him, I write on the screen door window. It’s a couple of weeks befor
e Thanksgiving and the window is fogged. I used to blow my breath on them and write all the time. Mindlessly, I drag my finger through the condensation. Lights flash against the glass, signaling Walker’s arrival.
He’s wearing my favorite three-piece navy blue suit. He makes it look good. I smile for the first time today. Walker did that, he made me smile. His smile widens when he sees me in the porch light. He begins to jog up the sidewalk.
“Hey, gorgeous.” His only words as he grabs my robe and pulls me into a kiss.
His lips are soft and firm. Never demanding. He’s the sweetest man I know. What the fuck is my problem? I should be thrilled he wants me. Thankful for his faithfulness. If I’ve learned anything today, I’ve learned if someone wants you, they’ll come get you.
“I’m so happy you’d see me. I have something very important to ask you. Thayer, I know you’re working through things. I’m not asking you to love me more, just love me. Let me in, I’ll love you forever.” He then makes my heart skip a beat. I’m just not sure it’s for the right reason. Nevertheless, it does when he drops to his knee. “Marry me. Next week, the week after. Now. Marry me. I love you, and I’ll be as considerate as possible, but I just can’t wait another minute to make you mine. I can’t risk it.” Staring into my eyes, he waits, ever patient.
“Okay. Let’s do it.” He sits stunned for a minute until he stands and removes a ring from his pocket. Placing it on my finger, I wiggle them in the porch light. It sparkles, even in this indirect lighting.
A four-carat French-Set Halo Diamond band engagement ring. It’s beautiful, it’s also too much ring. Plastering a smile across my face, I squeal with excitement. Walker has picked out a gorgeous ring, I’m thrilled it’s on my hand. I’m moving on.
It’s getting colder, I’ll soon need to find shelter. Living in the truck or on the streets won’t be possible for much longer. I can’t help but wonder why Ellis Kipton was at Thayer’s office today. It’s the second reason I’m out here freezing my balls off. Suddenly, the door opens. My first reason appears at the door.
The light glows from the inside, lighting her like an angel. Thayer stands at her door, writing on the window with her finger. Why is she just standing there? Fuck me, asswipe must be coming over. Mother fucker needs his nose broken. He’s an asshole. Says the asshole freezing his balls off.
When he parks in front of her place, her face warms with the brightest smile. She’s breathtaking. He jogs to her door as she steps outside. They talk for a minute but when he bends to one knee, I drop to mine. I don’t fight the tears, I deserve them. I knew it would happen, but I’m still shocked at how soon.
It was just a few weeks ago, she stood not twenty feet from me, crying. I hid in the brushes while she poured her heart out on the sidewalk. Begging me to come home. It’s my own fucking fault. I never deserved her to begin with. This seals it. She’s moving on, and I’m left with nothing but her memory.
Driving away tonight, all I can think about is the day on the beach. I had every chance to tell her the truth and didn’t. No one to blame but myself. I regret not talking to her. Sitting at her feet, all I could think about was that she would never trust me again. She would only see my mistakes.
How could I have explained a wife and a baby? To have her understand I didn’t know Erica had overdosed. I hadn’t seen her for two days at that point. I’d been out looking for her, to make sure she had eaten. The baby needed nutrients; Erica hadn’t given a shit about it. She hadn’t wanted the baby, she had even planned to get clean and give it away.
Erica told me people pay good money for babies, addicted or not. She never cared about a single thing if it wasn’t centered on her fix. She wouldn’t have been alive had I not been there. I never loved her, not the way she needed to be loved.
When I learned of Erica’s passing, I did what I could to help take care of them. Her parents blamed me, even though I wasn’t even with her. I told the police when they came to get my statement where she had been. I’m not sure if they ever found the guy.
I couldn’t do much at first, being in rehab, but with the money Cal gave me for an allowance, I arranged for it to go to the cemetery for her expenses. Once I was out, I started working with One’s family and paid every bill she had at her time of death. Someone told me once, as her husband it was my responsibility. I didn’t know about that but I did know as her friend, it was my responsibility.
After selling the Mustang for Eric, I put the money from selling my house into a high finance account so I could continue to pay her parents. I don’t know why I do that either. Years of guilt I suppose. I should’ve never left with One. Finding Erica was my job, I should’ve made sure she was okay.
Facing Thayer with this truth was more than I could imagine. I just know she’d think I was a monster. Who walks away from their wife and child to go get clean? If I had taken her with me, she could’ve gotten clean too. I was selfish. Just like I am with Thayer.
Pulling into my usual spot, I turn my truck off and sit back to star gaze for a while. Thayer and I made this our place. Our secret getaway from everyone. Still Creek is nothing more than a bog just off the highway. But way back here by the water, it’s quiet. We were never disturbed.
That’s why the knock at the window made me shit my pants. Who the fuck is out here at this time of night? The flash of light blinds me. I ready myself to be arrested or shot. Mother fucker turns the light sideways, the dude’s face comes into view. One.
“Roll down the window, fucker. I want to talk to you before I kick your goddamn ass.” Fuck. He’s pissed as hell. Rolling down my window, I sit back. Bring it, I deserve it all.
“How’d you find me?” I ask, Resting my head on the window.
“Ellis Kipton. Thayer and Lea hired him to find you.” Straightening in the seat, I look around. Praying she isn’t here.
“What the fuck?” I mutter as I rest my forehead on the steering wheel.
“No. Thank fuck. Why are you doing this?” One crosses his arms over his chest.
“Doing what?” I lift my head to look at him.
“Don’t fucking play with me, it’s bad enough you broke Thayer’s heart.” His arms unfold, dropping to his sides. Even in the dark, I can see he’s fucking furious.
“Would you prefer I stay and ruin her life? You did notice the fucking shit show at your wedding, right?” Shifting in my seat, I glare at him. I want to hear this.
“I heard it all. Did you?” One steps closer to my door.
“Yes, I did. I have a dead wife and child. I wasn’t there when she overdosed, but I’m to blame. Thayer will never forgive me. I can’t forgive myself.” I drop my head in disgust, I can’t even look at him.
“Hardy, she doesn’t need to forgive you for your past. It’s your past. The only thing she needed was your future. Yeah, it would’ve been great if you had told her, us. Did you think we’d treat you differently because of it? That’s fucked up, you should’ve known better.” One shakes his head as he backs up. After flipping my headlights on, I pull the door handle and climb out. One joins me leaning against the truck.
“I’ve never been able to forgive myself, One. I just wanted to be someone she could be proud of, you know? Not some deviant with a drug addiction and a past that includes nothing but death. I don’t even think the kid was mine.” Looking up at the stars, I see nothing but Thayer looking back at me.
“What do you mean?” He turns his head toward me.
“I married Erica for her parents’ sake. Yes, we’d slept together, but I had been screwing around with this girl, Christine. There’s no way Erica’s baby was mine. But it really didn’t matter, when they died, I had to take care of them. For me, you know?” I look at him for understanding.
“I get it, but why not tell her. It’s not the facts of the story that hurt her, it was the lack of knowledge. It’s not even about knowing everything about someone, Hardy. It’s wanting someone to know everything about you. That’s the shit relationships are built on.
Damn man, I didn’t even know.” He pushes off the truck and walks a few feet away. “I’m pissed because I’m your best friend and you never told me any of this, can you imagine how she feels?” One glares at me.
“I know. I fucked up. I should have told her the truth.” I shrug as I say it. He looks incensed.
“Yes, you should have. Yet, that’s not how you fucked up.” One stands there, glaring at me.
“What? What else did I do?” Throwing my hands out to the side as I shrug.
“Learning you had a wife and child was devastating to all of us, especially Thayer. Yet, that’s not what made her walk away.” What the fuck is he saying?
“So enlighten me.” Leaning back against my truck again.
“Hardy, if you would step aside and consider her, you would know what the problem is. But you’ve got your head so far up your own ass with this, ‘I’m not worth it’ bullshit. Fuck that. Get your head outta your ass or lose her for good. Do you hear what I’m telling you?” His hands are now tightly fisted.
“I know. I was there.” I hang my head as my eyes begin to water.
“So you know she said yes? And you did nothing?” Shaking his head as his mouth twists into a smirk. He’s gone completely rigid.
“What was I supposed to do? He’s an attorney, he can give her everything I can’t, goddamn it.” Pushing away from my truck, I’m in his face quick as lightning.
“Yeah, he can give her everything but one thing, asshole.” Stepping forward as his voice rises, he pokes me in the chest. We’re standing nose to nose, and all I can think about is how much Thayer looks like him. Fuck.
“Okay, fine. I give up. What the fuck is it?” I say, flailing my arms in the air.
“He’s not you. She may be faking it now, but one day she’ll regret marrying a man she didn’t love the way she loves you. We both know how that ends, don’t we?” One searches my eyes for an unspoken understanding.
