“Well he has a bit of a shopping problem and I told him that I wouldn’t support that habit any longer. So to spite me, he borrowed cash from that vile, snaggle toothed rodent and got himself into a predicament.”
Okay, this would be the second time this week I have been speechless. “I’m sorry and what is your relationship with Seth?”
“We have been engaged for just over three years.”
“Well that fills in a lot of missing gaps.” Mitexi was on a roll. “So you are one of two dads in this house?”
“Anatomically speaking yes; but as far as defined roles, I am the dad.”
I cut in before she could contribute further to destroying my budding career. “Okay so you put up your dog for collateral because your soon to be husband went shopping and spent too much? What is the balance on the loan with Andy Billows?”
He sniffled hopelessly. “$4000, Seth said they would hurt him if he didn’t pay. So I made arrangements for Mr. Billows to work at the kennel that day as a favor to the owner whose only other option was to close. So he didn’t really steal Triangle, I asked him to take him; I knew he would increase sales for the circus and keep Seth safe. I couldn’t think of any other way to do it where Zach wouldn’t catch on.” He blew his nose like a horn. “Then I hired you because I wanted to make sure someone could keep tabs on the dog and then I would be certain he was cared for properly.”
“Oh I see, so your worried about the poor thing even though you just pimped him out to a complete dirt bag?” Mitexi snarled in his direction.
Now did I have $4000 to throw around? Not anymore, but I would give the man a pinky before I would sign off my dog, especially if belonged to my son, if I had one. “Do you have the money?” He’d better say no.
“Of course I do! But I told Seth unless he agrees to marry me and stop his evil shopping ways, I wouldn’t pay. He needs to learn a lesson.”
Mitexi leaned back. “Oh boy.”
This guy was a complete idiot. My future babies were never going to be his patients. “Okay, I know you are not thinking clearly because you are caught up in that disease called love. Believe me I have been there. I am also fully aware that you paid me to locate Triangle and not give advice. However, for the sake of your family I want you to listen very carefully. Are you with me?”
He nodded and sat straight up so that my partner wouldn’t break his skinny legs.
“You have given away your boy’s dog as collateral, even though you can afford to pay a debt, in order to convince your lover who created the problem in the first place to marry you.” I stared at him and waited for the light bulb to turn on. Apparently he hadn’t paid the electric bill because his glazed eyes resembled that of a lobotomy patient.
Mitexi stood and looked at me. “We have to take charge of this, he has no idea what is going on.”
I thoroughly agreed and looked at our disastrous client. “Where is Zach?”
“Shopping with Seth.”
“Oh well we probably should have figured that one out on our own. Are those your Uggs by the door?”
He nodded yes, his blood shot eyes looking for sympathy that he certainly wasn’t getting from this girl band.
“Well go get ‘em on, grab a coat and meet us in the Navigator. Oh and don’t forget your bank card, we have a quick stop to make.”
We headed out to wait when Mitexi turned to me. “If Phillip ever buys a pair of those, please remind me to divorce him. Why do men do that? And he is supposed to be the dad!”
“Well look on the bright side, if Phillip does buy a pair and then goes missing, we will probably know where to find him.”
“Yeah, no need for special skills to solve that mystery. He’ll be over here dusting off the lion statues or maybe even fussing over color swatches.”
We giggled together until the back door swung open and we were forced to put our professional faces back on.
Dr. Tom slid into the seat, zipped tight in his parka with the fur hood encompassing his pink face. “My bank is Whittier Savings downtown.”
I leaned over and looked at my client. “You can probably lose the hood, it’s pretty warm in here.” Had I really dreamed of doing it with this man?
Mitexi pulled out of Hillside and cruised at a steady 65mph for the ½ mile to the highway. We climbed the ramp and then she really got on it. Dr. Tom clutched Istas’s car carrier as if the plastic would be his saving grace once we left the road and rolled over five times at high speed. Personally I think a better torture would have been for him to sit in the back of the Escalade. I never did find out if they detailed the ceiling liner too.
We arrived at the bank and with shaky legs; he exited and disappeared into the front entrance. Within minutes he returned, buckled himself in and produced two cherry lollipops from his coat pocket. He handed us each one as if it was a gesture to spare his life.
“Good thing for you that I was able to find out this information yesterday and get info on the circus leaving town next week. They don’t have any more scheduled shows around here, so that means unless you are a worker responsible for breaking down equipment, the others can head out whenever they want. You’d better pray that Mr. Billows is slow.”
“Do you know where they are going?”
“I’m not sure about the circus, but your loan shark is heading to Las Vegas and he plans on using Triangle as his cash cow since the debt wasn’t paid.” Just sharing that detail my heart race with urgency, I wanted that dog back today.
Panic crept across his face, finally the reaction I’d been waiting on. He grabbed Mitexi’s shoulder. “Faster!” As if that was possible.
It pleased me to see that Dr. Tom was finally growing a set; well at least I am assuming he did, based on lack of physical evidence. I would have felt better if some hair had sprouted on his arms or a light beard began to fill in, but I couldn’t expect miracles.
As we turned in the parking lot I kept my eyes peeled for Delmont’s truck. He would definitely be the best way to get to Mr. Billows. Bingo! There it was, pulled high atop a snow bank, like it was the star of a 4x4 commercial. I pointed and instructed Mitexi to park next to it.
“Good lord, that thing is hideous!” Dr. Tom had a pulled a wet nap out to clean his hands as if he had already been tainted.
“Yeah, well wait until you see who owns it. I had to go on a date with him to find out your secrets.”
“You deserve a bonus, my promise!”
“Hey, you might be alright after all!” I hopped onto the parking lot, removed my coat and felt my ass. I turned so that it was in view. “How does it look? This is key factor to moving our mission along quickly.”
“I’d do ya.” Mitexi winked.
Dr. Tom leaned over to take a look. “Pull your seam up your crack a little, guys dig that.”
I returned a questioning look.
“No really, it doesn’t matter who owns the butt, trust me. There was a time when I had to keep my options open.”
I took his word for it and headed out. Damn it was cold without a coat! But, I suppose I would need nipples to get through this too. There didn’t seem to be any life around, only the eerie whistle of the winter wind. I was surrounded by a plethora of Coachman’s, Four Winds and Safari’s. Each had a name plate fastened next to their door, finally I spotted Crazy Clyde’s, and ironically his model was a Beaver. After a gentle knock, I waited impatiently until finally the door swung open. It appeared that Delmont was not put off by the cold, something I should have learned when he told me how he showered with a water hose, because he was stark naked and from where he stood on the stairs, his junk was even with my eyes. I wanted to look away but I was amazed that his freckles knew no boundaries. He really was covered head to toe.
“Baby girl is that you?” He wiped away crustiness that the Sandman left in the corner of each eye.
“Hey Delmont!” That was the most I could manage to squeak out.
While I was pondering my next move, a lanky arm, detailed with a fad
ed rose tattoo, reached out from behind the door way and wrapped around his waist. Within seconds the rest of its owner appeared, also naked. Of course we are all grateful for sight, but visions like this can make one question the blessing.
“Who is she?” Suddenly the other seemed angry.
But I knew who she was; the napping lot lizard from the Shack. I wondered if as she was waking when I had left, if they had a conversation; or whether he had just loaded her into his beast when she passed out again. Either way she spoke with the jealousy of a married wife.
“Oh hey lover, don’t be mad, this is Paula. Paula this is Mona.”
Keeping with the manners that Alice had enforced upon me, I extended my hand and accepted her limp fish shake. While I mentally added this experience to my future therapy list, and moved it up a notch ahead of the one eyed Belgian waffle from breakfast this morning, I forced myself to speak. “So hey, I was hoping to talk with Mr. Billows. Can you direct me to his trailer?”
As difficult as it could be to imagine that luck was on my side, I realized that since Delmont was obviously occupied, it was likely we could pay for Triangle and get out of here without me having to pull out my planner and fill up Tuesday evenings from 4-7 until the circus left town.
“Right over yonder, the tan one with the ‘Master’ sign on it.” As he pointed toward the largest one, I realized that the myth of shrinkage due to cold is really on a case by case basis. Because Crazy Clyde’s member was still standing as erect as it was when he answered.
“Thank you.” I spun like a top and high tailed it over to the Master’s sleeping quarters. No need for polite goodbye’s at this point.
Before I could even knock, Mr. Billows showed himself. “I knew it! I knew you’d be back!” He stuck his neck further out and looked side to side. “You didn’t bring your mother?”
I was going to have to get crafty for this one. “She’s in the car.” I pretended to drop something that was never actually in my hand in the first place and carefully turned and bent down to pick it up; making sure that seam to my jeans was way the hell up there and then looked over my shoulder. “She’d love to see Triangle, wanna grab him and meet with us?” As soon as I stood back up I turned to head back in the same direction I’d started from.
Andy whistled for the dog and scurried out his door in an effort to keep up. The three of us reached the Navigator within thirty seconds and Mitexi rolled down the window.
“Wow you’re mom ain’t half bad!” He grinned at Mitexi and his top snaggle tooth got caught on his dry lip, which made him even more unappealing.
Then I heard the door unlock and before she could hop out and beat him without mercy, I interjected.
“Okay, here’s the deal. She’s not my mom.”
“Rock on! So you brought a friend and your mom? Shit I am gonna be so tired, I might have to wait to leave until tomorrow!” Mr. Billows was looking extremely pleased with himself, the lady killer that he wasn’t.
I cut right to the chase. “Yeah, that’s not going to happen. We are here to collect the star of your show.”
Dr. Tom rolled down his window sheepishly and spoke. “Good morning Mr. Billows.”
“What the hell is going on here?” He clutched the leash tightly and Triangle let out a quick yelp.
“The man owes you four grand, we’re here to pay it and get the dog back.”
“No freaking way! I won’t give him back!”
“Hey a deal is a deal, he was collateral and pay day has arrived.” I turned and took the envelope from Dr. Tom’s frigid girly hands. “Count it.”
He accepted the cash and then retorted. “You can’t prove anything.”
“But the thing is, we can. He has a chip installed and all we have to do is call the police, get him scanned and then drop a little hint that you have been running a loan shark business.” I planned on giving him one mean stare but Mitexi already had it covered. “You do plan on leaving tomorrow don’t you?”
“Maybe.” He held strong with the stubbornness of a three year old.
“Mitexi grab your phone. I don’t have time for this.” My stomach danced with butterflies, I always wanted to call a bluff that would result in positive consequences. But Mitexi was already dialing, she foiled my plan! “NO!! Don’t actually dial.”
“But you said…” She clicked the off button. “Oh, I get it…sorry.”
Mr. Billows started to walk away, dragging poor Triangle gruffly down the snow shoveled path behind him. “You people are a joke.”
“Hey!” Mitexi stepped out of the Navigator. “We may have been bullshitting about calling the cops, but me kicking your ass is very real!” And off she went.
She took a leap and tackled that unsightly man from behind, knocking him to the ground. Triangle broke loose and I grabbed the leash, delivering him safely with his owner in the back of the truck while the other two rolled across the ground over and over again. She said words that I am pretty sure she learned from Enola because I had never heard anything like them before in my life, not even in dirty movies.
Suddenly Delmont appeared at his door again and whistled. “Cat fight!” But after galloping over to the scene, his fantasy quickly diminished. “Mr. Billows?”
Within seconds the whole circus population was trading ten dollar bills and cheering for blood.
Finally Mitexi wrestled him flat and held his arms over his head with one hand and slapped his fat face with the other. “We’re taking the dog and he really does have a chip. You won’t win this battle porky! In fact, you don’t even get to keep the money either!” She flipped open the front pocket on his lumberjack flannel and retrieved the envelope with all of its contents. “Now get out of town! I don’t care how many times this show returns here, you’d better not be with it!”
Because she was struggling to gain balance off of his round stomach, I grabbed both of her arms and helped plant her feet solidly on the ground.
Mr. Billows rolled on his side to gain enough momentum to look upright.
Delmont offered a puzzled look toward his employer. “I thought you was leaving with that pup early in case the owner came ‘round?”
“I was! And I would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for these meddling fools!”
Did this guy think he was on Scooby Doo?
I looked around with satisfaction. “Well I guess our work here is done!”
13
On the ride back, Dr. Tom bequeathed the cash Mitexi had taken back onto us as the bonus he had promised earlier and then confirmed that our final payment would be mailed out by next week.
We pulled into the long drive of his lion’s den and watched with pleasure as Triangle bounded from the truck and into the newly outfitted youngest member of the family’s arms. Seth was trying to drag multiple recent purchases off the porch before his future husband could take stock of the damage, but he was busted. They approached each other and we were able to make out partial sentences; something about getting help and I’m sorry, but then they embraced and mashed faces and that was our queue to leave.
Celebrating sounded good to me, but Mitexi was pooped. “It’s been a long time since I’ve kicked anyone’s ass. Those playground mothers better be nice as pie to my little girl.”
I gave Alice a head’s up that I was on my way home and as soon as we pulled up out front, she scurried outside in her furry robe and traded me for two oversized helpings of wild apple cornbread wrapped tightly in tinfoil. I rolled my eyes as my mom buckled them in with the seatbelt.
“I can see you Paula.”
“Hey Mrs. Stone, how long until I grow those eyes in the back of my head?” Mitexi was completely amused at her own humor.
Without missing a beat Alice responded. “You already have them dear; you just don’t know how to use them yet.”
We waved goodbye while standing arm in arm, and then retreated to the house so that I could relive the excitement of the morning with my mother. Sometimes I enjoyed that, I thought it would
be important to have good memories for balance when I finally attended my mid-life counseling sessions.
14
The next morning I convinced Alice to set me free from my breakfast commitments. I had reached out to Jace the previous evening and we had set plans for Sunday brunch. I have to admit, I was absolutely beside myself with excitement; it was like Christmas Eve and an after sex cigarette all tied up into one.
We had decided to meet back at Macaroni’s since I never got my intended meal on the night he was Alice and Mr. Edward’s chauffeur. They put on one hell of a spread and I was starving. Mitexi and I had split the bonus and I was ready to scoff down at least $500 worth of it. I even remembered to use my napkins, one on my lap and the other in my shirt, because my mother reminded me what a hapless slob I ate like. She is such a treat sometimes.
After we ate, Jace walked me to my car, I backed up against my door and he leaned in for a kiss. As my eyes rolled back in my head, he stopped abruptly.
“Do you know her?”
“Who?”
One perfectly strong pointer finger directed my batting lashes toward the driver’s window.
“Her.”
“Oh my God!”
Mary Elizabeth was sitting in the passenger seat sleeping, buck naked except for the mid length coat that was pulled around her shoulders but open everywhere else. She startled as I wrenched open the door.
“What are you doing? Aren’t you even cold?”
“Where is Gordie?”
“Gordie is home with his wife! And this is my dirty truck now! Jesus, that coat better cover your ass? Do you know how much a detail is?”
Jace was overly amused by all of this. He genuinely had no idea what kind of craziness he had stepped into.
She pulled her coat closed and stepped out of the passenger door. “Tell him I was looking for him.” She flipped her gorgeous chestnut mane and began to strut away, ass cheeks peeking out from below the hem, when suddenly she stopped. “Do you know what kind of car he drives now?”
“Oh, for God sakes!”
She responded with a hiss and kept on in the opposite direction. Jace leaned back in for a second time and finished the job he had set out to accomplish. Boy did he finish it!
Doctor's Orders Page 7
