by Fleur Beale
Maybe he heard — he sure didn’t look like he did. I wished I hadn’t. Nothing was going to change. Max would do just enough not to push Calvin into leaving. Mum would keep up the King Max treatment. A rush of pure anger raced through me. My backbone zapped back. If they split, then they split. It wouldn’t be my fault; it would be hers. If Calvin did take the kids and leave, I would go with them. Mum and Max could have their own little party all to themselves.
Mum did the usual goodbye have a good day routine. Usually I said, ‘Bye Mum, see you tonight.’ Today, I turned my back on her and kept my mouth shut. I felt bad about that all day. What if she dropped down dead on the way home and I’d been mean to her?
She didn’t drop down dead, but she and Calvin were cool to each other. I don’t know if Max noticed. I swung between fury and back to where it all felt like my fault.
A couple of weeks passed. Things crept back to how they’d always been. On Friday, Max slapped a hundred dollars into my hand. He looked like it was killing him to keep his mouth shut while he did it, but Calvin was there, watching him. Bugger Max, no way was I going to thank him. Instead, I asked, ‘What’s your job like?’
He shrugged. ‘Better than sweeping floors.’
How would he know? He’d never swept a floor in his life. I ignored him and thanked Calvin when he gave me the remaining two hundred.
That weekend, Calvin was working the afternoon shifts. He told Max they’d start digging the foundations for the sleep-out as soon as Max got up in the morning.
On Saturday when I got home from work at seven, Max was up and eating breakfast. Calvin sat at the table too. He glanced at me, raised an eyebrow and grinned. The kids came tumbling out. ‘We’ll help,’ Davey said. ‘We can dig big holes.’
Max didn’t look thrilled by that, but he kept his mouth shut. All morning, I heard the thunk of spades in the dirt, the kids shouting and racing around, Calvin whistling — and nothing much from Max.
At lunch though, Max talked. He and Calvin actually had an entire conversation. It was about the timber they’d need and what Max would do to look for it.
Mum went around with a smile on her face for the rest of the day. She looked happy again. ‘I knew things would work out. All Max needed was his own space. He’s being very good about it.’
I stared at her. ‘You are unreal, Mum.’ So much for her making progress about Max. I headed for the door.
‘Ruby, where are you going?’
‘I’m running away. Not that you’d care.’ I ran out, slamming the door behind me.
I should run away. I went to my room and shut myself in. Two minutes later, she knocked and came in before I said she could. I looked up from the skirt I was working on, but didn’t say anything.
She perched on the edge of my bed. ‘I’m trying, Ruby. I’m really trying to be firm with Max. I know I’ve spoilt him. But it’s hard.’
‘Yeah? You try it from where I’m sitting.’ I was sick of the whole thing.
‘He’ll go to uni,’ she said. ‘You must see how important that is.’
I put down my work, swivelled in my chair and faced her. ‘But what about me, Mum? Don’t you care about me?’
She was shocked. ‘Of course I do! But it’s different for you. You have to be realistic about your future, darling — you haven’t got an option.’ She stretched out a hand. ‘I’d do anything for things to be different, but they’re not and we have to accept it.’
I felt hollow inside. ‘Go away. Just go away. Think about Max since that makes you so happy.’
It was mean. I felt mean. She tried to keep talking. I picked up the skirt and ripped open a seam. After an age, she left.
I dropped the skirt. I could burst into tears, or … I leapt up and stormed from the room. ‘Mum!’
She whipped around, her face shocked.
‘Mum, listen to me! You always think I’m useless, and I’m not. I’m not!’ I stamped my foot, thumping it hard on the floor. ‘I. Am. Not. Useless. And I’m sick of you telling me I am.’ I went right up to her and yelled in her face, ‘You’re the useless one. You hate your job but you won’t get a new one. I’m not going to be like that. I’m not.’ I stamped my foot again and ran back to my bedroom.
I was panting, as if somebody had winded me. But I wouldn’t be like her, I absolutely would not. Which meant I would go to Brazil by myself, and I’d bloody well see if I could work there too. Just for a while. I could help with street kids in São Paulo.
Mum left me alone.
Calvin and Max, helped by the kids, finished digging the foundations on Sunday morning. Mum kept glancing at me as if I was a huge puzzle. I wanted her to worry about me. I wanted to ask her why Max was important and I wasn’t. But what was the use? She just didn’t get it.
She couldn’t even see that Max could behave himself — like he was doing right now — if only she’d make him. He was talking to Calvin, even saying the odd thing to the kids. The four of them talked timber and hammers and wiring during dinner these days. Mum’s eyes got misty when she looked at her men, all busy, happy and doing things together.
I felt sick, small and unimportant. Ruby the servant.
I talked to Maria. She said, ‘You’ve done all you can, Ruby. Try not to think about it. Think about your dreams instead.’ She gave me a quick hug. ‘Come to our house on Saturday. We’ll look on the computer for image consultants.’
There weren’t many. I was disappointed, but Maria said, ‘That’s good. You will be all the more valuable. Stay true to your dreams, Ruby. You’ll get through this if you keep your mind on where you’re going.’
I thought about Mum as I walked home. She had no dreams left. No, that wasn’t right. She did — and they were all about Max.
Chapter Twenty-nine
Life was easier while the sleep-out was being built. I didn’t have to fight — it was hard to get used to. I felt all the time that I needed to look over my shoulder to keep alert for what might happen next.
Nothing did. Max even joined in the chat at dinner time and he didn’t make any nasty comments the way he’d always done before the great sleep-out project. I hoped it would last. I didn’t think it would. I kept my guard up.
School was going okay too. Wiremu, Niles and Zeke hung out with the four of us and we usually met up in the weekends. Tia said, ‘Tell Wiremu you like him.’
I shook my head. ‘I like having him for a friend.’ I jabbed her in the ribs. ‘Look at you — how long do you go out with a guy before you get sick of him and dump him?’
It’d be great to go out with Wiremu. My heart thudded just thinking about it, but if we broke up that would split the seven of us, and it was so great having a social life. It stopped the whole Max thing going round and round in my head.
I still wished he’d tell me more about Hayden, but he never mentioned Australia. Sometimes, I thought about using my money to go over and visit Hayden and my half-sisters. But that was dumb when Max was right here and I could ask him.
If I asked him, he’d walk away like he did last time.
… Not if I asked him at dinner.
I chose an evening when he and Calvin had laughed a lot as they worked. I waited until we’d started eating before I said, ‘Max, what’s Hayden like? I’d really like to know.’
I thought he wouldn’t say anything, but Mum and Calvin were both looking at him. He shrugged. ‘He was okay. For about a week.’ He stopped. That was it?
But Mum leapt in. ‘What happened after a week?’ Her voice was urgent. ‘Max — he didn’t hit you, did he?’
He shifted on his chair. He looked like he’d rather be back in Perth than talking about this. I should have kept my mouth shut.
He shook his head.
‘What, then?’ Mum demanded.
Max kept his eyes on his plate, chopping the broccoli through and through with his knife. ‘Hayden yelled — all the time. He was great, until …’
‘Well?’ Mum leaned towards him. ‘Tell us, Max.’
I k
ept quiet. I didn’t want to miss a word.
He shoved his plate away, and shouted at me, ‘It’s all your fault! You muck up my life all the time.’ He jumped up to rush from the room.
Calvin grabbed him and pulled him back down onto his chair. ‘If you’re going to say things like that, Max, at least have the courage to explain yourself.’
Mum shouted, ‘Calvin! Let him go!’
Calvin ignored her. He kept his eyes on Max — and his hand on his arm. ‘Explain yourself, Max.’
Max shook his arm. Calvin let him go but didn’t relax back into his chair. ‘You owe us an explanation. Your sister most of all.’
‘I didn’t have anything to do with you in Australia,’ I yelled. I lowered my voice. ‘How could I muck up your life over there? And by the way, you muck up your own life here so you probably did it over there too.’
‘Ruby. That’ll do,’ Calvin said.
I shut up, astonished.
Mum said, ‘Max you have to tell us what happened. Tell me the truth — did he hit you?’
Well, if he did, that couldn’t possibly be my fault.
Max thumped his hands on the table. ‘No. That would have been better.’ He grabbed for a breath. ‘He went on and on — nothing was right, nothing was good enough.’ The words came tumbling out as if a dam had broken. ‘When I got there, he was all over me. I was his son. He said he’d always wanted a son but instead he got a pack of moaning girls. He said he was proud of me because I was clever. I had to sit a test at the school and they put me in the top class.’ He stopped and covered his face with his hands.
And exactly how did I come into this?
Calvin put an arm round Theo. He kept watching Max, but didn’t say anything.
Mum said, ‘That was good, Max. I’m proud of you too. What went wrong?’
Max stabbed a finger at me. ‘She did. She messed it up. Like she always does.’ The look he gave me was filled with hate.
‘That doesn’t make sense, Max.’ Calvin kept his voice calm, but there was an edge to it.
‘Oh yeah? Well listen to this!’ He was almost stuttering with rage. ‘Lilac couldn’t do her homework. He yelled at her and told her she was dumb, even an idiot could read by the time they were ten. Then he yelled at Linda and said it was her fault. She had bad genes and he shouldn’t have married her.’
It suddenly made sense — crazy, twisted sense. ‘You told him about me. You told him I couldn’t read either.’
He shoved his cutlery so that it skittered after the plate. ‘Yes, I did. And after that he hated me. Linda wouldn’t shut up about how he’d always blamed her but it was his fault all along. And it’s all your fault, you stupid, dumb …’
‘Max!’ Calvin snapped. ‘Control yourself.’
But Max was sobbing and yelling things that would stay in my head forever. Calvin picked up a glass and threw cold water in his face. ‘That’s enough. Calm down and don’t say another word.’
The kids were howling, I was shivering and I felt sick. I glanced at Mum, but she was staring at Max and her face was dead white. She looked as if somebody had socked her over the head. ‘Mum? What’s wrong? Mum!’ I grabbed her arm.
She couldn’t speak, just shook her head and fluttered a hand. She gulped in some air, then another breath and some colour came back into her face. ‘I thought — all these years, I thought it was my fault you can’t read, Ruby. I thought it was my punishment for getting pregnant so young.’ She leaned back in her chair and laughed and laughed. ‘And it’s not my fault after all.’
Calvin said sharply, ‘You’re scaring the kids, Tessie.’
I sat stunned. There was too much to take in. Max, Mum …
All sorts of thoughts whirled in my head — scattered, broken pieces of ideas. But they all joined up to the same thing in the end: this was why she didn’t love me. I sat there, shivering. Where had that come from? But it was true, and somewhere in the depths of my soul, I’d always known it. She didn’t love me. She tried. She did the best she could, but it didn’t work.
Max got up and left the room. Neither of them tried to stop him. Davey slid from his chair to go and lean against Calvin. Calvin held both his kids tight, speaking softly to them, comforting them.
There was no comfort for me. It was all too much. I left them sitting there and ran to my room. It got dark. I didn’t turn the light on. I felt dark right through to my backbone which had kicked off this whole mess.
Chapter Thirty
Mum came creeping into my room. I didn’t know what the time was. It felt like the deep of the night when ghosts and vampires were out to get you. She sat on my bed, scooped me into her arms and said, ‘Ruby — you’re the sanest Yarrow in the family. I’m so sorry, darling. So very sorry.’ She brushed her hand over my hair. ‘Calvin says Max and I need to get our heads sorted. We’ll go to counselling.’
I didn’t say anything.
‘Are you okay, Ruby? Talk to me, darling. Tell me you’re all right.’
I told her the truth. ‘I’m not all right, Mum. I feel like I’ve been punched in the guts by experts. Max — and you …’ I tried to stop but the words came anyway. ‘You don’t love me. You try, but you don’t.’
She held me tighter. ‘I do love you. I absolutely do. Turn the light on, Ruby, and I’ll tell you.’
I didn’t want to. I just shook my head.
‘Close your eyes,’ she said and she flicked it on.
I didn’t want to listen. I’d heard it all before. I’d tried to believe it for so long that I was tired out from trying.
She settled herself more comfortably on the bed and kept hold of my hand. I turned my head away. ‘I guess the story starts when I got pregnant with you.’ Yeah. Heard it all before.
I could have recited it: parents furious, wanted her to have an abortion, she wouldn’t. Then they told her to adopt me out. She always said They’d have had to kill me to take you from me.
She sighed. ‘Now for the parts I haven’t told you.’ I turned my head and looked at her. ‘You know how I always say I had a fight with them and that’s why we never see them?’
I nodded.
‘It wasn’t quite like that.’ She let my hand go and hugged her arms around her body. ‘It was them. They wouldn’t have anything to do with me. They didn’t come to see you. They hung up when I rang them. I wrote letters but they returned them unopened.’
It was hard for her to say, even after fifteen years.
I huddled under my duvet. ‘How could they do that?’ My voice sounded as if it hadn’t been used for a hundred years.
Mum shrugged. ‘I’d been their pride and joy. I let them down.’
‘Like Max is your pride and joy.’ It sounded like an accusation. It was meant to.
‘Yes,’ she sighed. ‘I did the exact same thing they did — except that I would never turn my back on a child of mine.’
I hadn’t heard anything that eased the ache in my chest.
She stared into the past for long seconds before she went on with the story. ‘Hayden was great.’ I knew all this. I didn’t want to hear it again. She kept talking. ‘He packed us up and we moved here. He said we didn’t need them and he’d love us forever and I didn’t need to worry. But Max was three days old when he left.’
She told me he hadn’t said he was leaving — he just went. I didn’t know that. No wonder it had freaked her out when Max left.
‘It took me a year before I realised I was a lot happier without him.’
I snatched my hand back. ‘You always say he was a good father. You always say he left because he married too young. You always say …’
‘I know, Ruby. I know!’ She looked at me, leaning forward to make me understand. ‘I thought you needed to believe he was a good person. And he was. Sometimes.’ She stopped. ‘No, he wasn’t. Not really. He had to have things his own way. I hated the fights, so I gave in.’
She smiled at me but it was a sad smile. ‘When you couldn’t read or write, I kept h
earing my parents’ voices telling me no good would come of it if I kept my baby. They said I was being selfish. That it wouldn’t be fair to my baby to keep her.’ She was quiet a moment. ‘I do love you, Ruby. I love you fiercely — but all the time, I kept thinking your problems were all my fault.’
They were, but I didn’t say so. ‘Max made up for everything.’ I was so tired — felt sick to my stomach.
She didn’t deny it. ‘Yes, I thought he did.’ She hugged me again. ‘You need to go to sleep now. Will you be okay?’
I nodded. I didn’t know if I would or not. There was so much to take in.
Mum stood up. ‘Don’t get up for work in the morning. I’ll ring Mr Vine for you.’ She kissed my forehead and tiptoed out.
I did sleep and Mum had to wake me. I felt like shit. Max came into the kitchen the same time I did. He looked at the floor and muttered, ‘Sorry.’
An apology. Whoop-de-doo. I wasn’t going to break open the champagne.
I dropped Davey off at school. He didn’t say anything about last night. Oh hell, probably I should. I crouched down. ‘Listen, Davey. Mum’s going to take Max to a kind of doctor. She says she’s spoilt him and now he’s got to be unspoilt. Okay?’
He just about strangled me with his hug. ‘I don’t like him.’
I kissed his cheek. ‘I’m glad I’ve got you and Theo for brothers.’
He ran into school. I hoped he was okay.
I told Tia the whole story. She shook her head. ‘I can’t believe it! Yes, I can. He’s an idiot. And your mum — wow, that’s heavy!’
We were late for school.
It was hard telling Maria about it in Portuguese, but I didn’t even try asking if we could talk in English. I learnt the words for blame, and history repeating itself. When I’d finished, she said, ‘Your mother’s right. You are the only well-balanced member of the Yarrow family.’
She had to explain the words for well-balanced.
When Calvin came home, the first thing he did was hug me. ‘Are you okay, my jewel girl?’
It made me want to cry. ‘Shaky, but okay.’ I hugged him back as hard as I could. ‘I’m so glad you’re my dad.’
