by Ashley Erin
Taking a deep breath, I tell her something not even Andie knows. “I got out because that is part of my probation requirements. If they suspect I’m stepping outside of the law, I go to jail.”
Falling silent, I’m surprisingly calm about admitting I was too cowardly to leave on my own. That I’m not truly the one to facilitate change in my life.
“It doesn’t matter how you got out, what matters is that you’re moving on with your life and doing an incredible job too.” She reaches for my hand, her warmth never ceasing to amaze me. “How long is your probation?”
“I have two more years at the end of March. It would have been shorter, but one of my charges was escaping from lawful confinement. They want to ensure I’m reintegrated into normal society.”
“You escaped from jail?” Ava’s expression is shocked admiration. “I thought that only happened in the movies. I mean it makes sense that some people manage to do that in real life.”
“I mean, I guess technically. It was a low-security facility, meant for those transitioning from different facilities and depending on why we were there, we were allowed day passes. I was only supposed to be there for a few weeks, but I left on a day pass and never went back.” Shrugging, I know it’s not something to be proud of, but four years ago, that was thrilling for me. Now, I look at my new life, and the thrill is finally having a life worth being proud of. Totally different, but much more satisfying.
“You really have led quite the life.”
“How are you so calm about everything I tell you?” Tracing circles over the palm of her hand, I watch her drive, the slight tilt of her lips taunting me.
“Dax . . . Your past has helped mold you into who you are today. I love you, every part of you.” She shivers, licking her lips as my fingers trail up her arm.
“I used to wonder what my life would have been like if I would have gotten out sooner, but then I might not have met you.” Kissing her palm, I return to tracing soft circles on her hand. “Wow, I never thought I would ever say something like that.”
“We all have that soft side and some people just need to find that person who brings it out in us.” The look on Ava’s face is mirrored in my own. We’ve run into this at full speed, there is no chance of looking back. We fall silent. I’ve noticed that as Ava and I progress in our relationship she feels more comfortable with us sitting and just being. The trees lining the road are a blur, brown ground starting to peak through the snow.
Reaching behind me, I fumble around for a couple bottles of water and granola bars. Twisting the top off, I hand one of the bottles to Ava. A sign on the side of the road distracts me. “Oh, pull off here. I want to show you something.”
She signals and pulls into the turning lane.
“Keep driving and take your second left.” Opening the granola bar, I take a bite, ignoring her curious glances.
Ava turns onto the thin gravel road, parking when we reach the dead end. “Okay, what is this?”
“You will see.”
Leading her down a paved path, the trees thinning ahead to reveal a wooden platform overlooking vast wetlands. Ava walks to the railing, gaping at the sight before her. “Wow.”
The massive moose moves slowly through the wetlands. “It was a long shot, but I heard about the place in my biology class last semester. It’s a beautiful place and seeing the moose is just a bonus.”
We stand in place watching him move through the wetlands. When he starts to move closer towards us, we make our way back towards the car, hand in hand. Looking down at the top of her head, I am awestruck that she thinks I am worthy of her and Noah.
Glancing at Lucas’s kitchen table, I try to organize my art supplies, so they look a little less daunting. Peyton is supposed to be here soon to paint with me, and I know how overwhelmed I was the first time I realized just how much more to art there is than simple brushes and paint.
Recalling standing in an art supply store staring at all of the different mediums, I’m excited to introduce Peyton to the fun she can have without needing the end result to be perfect.
Out of the different types of paintings I do, mixed media is my favorite. The abstract products made from any tool you can think of are fun to create, and you can’t go wrong. Layer upon layer until you feel like it’s complete.
A soft knock followed by the door opening alerts me to Peyton’s arrival, and I turn, eager to see her reaction. Grinning as she gapes at the supplies, her reaction is exactly what I was expecting.
“I think you’re mistaking me for someone who knows what they’re doing.” She creeps closer, intimidated by the spread before her.
“Don’t worry, I know exactly how you feel and I can guarantee by the end of this afternoon you will feel differently.” Gesturing to one of the chairs, I sit across from her. “Okay, let’s jump right in.”
Scanning the table, I pick up a bottle. “This is called gesso. We start with that because it primes the canvas. You don’t need to use this every time, but for the purposes of getting comfortable, we will use it. Now, I like to put it on sporadically. It doesn’t have to cover every inch of the surface, by leaving some parts of the canvas uncovered it changes the way the paint looks in those areas.”
She picks up a paintbrush, stopping as I laugh and shake my head. Wiggling my fingers, I pour some paint onto my mat and start spreading it over my canvas with my fingers. Peyton lays her brush down and follows suit.
“I have to admit, I thought I finished finger-painting after elementary school. This is fun though and more soothing than I thought it would be.” Peyton finishes spreading paint over her canvas. “It’s a good thing I don’t mind getting dirty.”
Smirking at her innuendo, “It’s probably a good thing the guys aren’t here. They would have a field day with that one.”
“They really are an interesting bunch. You wouldn’t think their different personalities would mesh so well.”
“They have a good balance.”
Watching as Peyton covers her canvas, I admire how well she seems to accommodate to any situation. “This is relaxing. I can see why you do it.”
“I paint any overwhelming feeling I have. It helps me process. Most of them I give away, but I do have a stash of really personal ones I’m saving for when I have my own place.” Handing her a dryer, we sit silently listening to the whir as we watch the gesso dry. Turning mine off, I run my hand softly over the canvas and nod to Peyton.
“Okay, so I typically use acrylic paints.” We select our colors, and I’m impressed when Peyton chooses different colors than I do.
“How’s your GED going?” As I show her the steps, I take the opportunity to get to know someone who means so much to Dax. She’s been staying with Dax for almost two months and I don’t know her that well.
“It’s still challenging me. I think I told you I’m only doing two courses and I still have several more. I dropped out halfway through grade ten. I have over two years to make up. So many regrets.” Her hands stay busy, mixing paint and adding layers.
“I don’t believe in regrets. It would be so easy to get lost in them.” Peyton gets up and washes her hands. Grabbing a Sprite, she gestures and hands me one when I nod.
“I wish I had your optimism.” She takes a deep drink of her Sprite, before picking up a stamp pad. “It’s kind of been ingrained into me to be skeptical.”
“You and Dax both.” She laughs. “Although, he surprises me a lot of the time, he manages to give me a perspective I often miss. We’ve been dating for a short time, even though it feels like we’ve been together forever because he knows me so well.”
“He’s shockingly intuitive for a man. I love it and hate it because he will never sugarcoat things.” Peyton shakes her head, smiling fondly as she remembers something he must have said to her once.
“No, not even with Noah. He always tells him the truth.” We laugh, and I find that time is passing quickly chatting with her. I adore our group of friends, but there is something about Peyto
n that draws me in. She gives off an aura of loneliness, and that is something I can relate to.
Several hours later, Peyton proudly holds up her canvas as Dax, Lucas, and Andie come in the door. The three of them stare incredulously at her, and even I have a hard time holding back a chuckle.
“Did you use your face to paint?” Dax gestures at smudges of purple paint on her chin and left cheek.
“Shut up. Ava made me use my hands, and I had an itch.” She elbows him in the side as she walks by towards the kitchen sink, spinning around and swiping her thumb across his cheek at the last second. Dax growls playfully before they both head to the bathroom to wash up.
“Before this turns into a paint fight, we need to finalize our plans for this weekend. We’ve been pushing back our picnic all month, and we finally have a window of nice weather. The snow is almost gone, and it might be our last chance before we’re all killing ourselves prepping for finals.” Andie helps me tidy the kitchen, making room for everyone to sit done.
Dax and Peyton come back from the bathroom, paint washed away. Dax beelines it for me, leaning down to kiss me. “Hi, Sunshine.” The simple nickname makes my whole body react, right down to tingling in my toes.
“Hi. Where were you today?” Smiling up at him, I ignore the chorus of groans around us.
Ignoring my question, he turns back to the group. Jabbing him in the side for being avoidant, I turn my attention to the conversation going on around me. Andie and Lucas just found out that Dean is planning to bring his new girlfriend. I’m the only one who has sort of met her and since they started dating; he hasn’t been around as much.
“I know I give Dean a hard time for being a player, but I already hate this chick. He doesn’t even sit with us when we share a break the way he used to. He’s changed; he’s not as easygoing and doesn’t laugh the way he used to.” Andie scowls as she talks. She and Dean became surprisingly close early in the year when they found they shared a class, but she still doesn’t know about his history. “He hardly talks to me in class anymore. She’s changing him and not for the better.”
“He still sits with me in class, but that’s because I gave him shit.” I don’t hate Morgan, but I definitely think they need more balance. Especially Dean.
“Let’s be supportive and wait to make a judgment for after we meet her.” Lucas wraps his arm around Andie. I know he is also worried about Dean, I can tell by the tone of his voice, but like me, he is ever the optimist. “He’s been texting me, and he seems happy. He’s coming to the picnic because I gave him hell for not having more balance and he agreed that he may have gone overboard.”
We move into the living room, Andie loading Mario Kart onto the screen. She looks around hopefully that someone will join her, bouncing excitedly when Dax and Lucas grab controllers.
Peyton comes to sit next to me, “Don’t you play?”
“Against Andie? No. She’s insanely good, and I’m not. It takes me at least two rounds to figure out the controls and even then I’m lucky to beat Lucas.”
“Hey!” Lucas shouts at me indignantly, shrugging when Dax passes him leaving him in last place.
Leaving the room, I go into the kitchen to start cooking dinner. We tend to rotate whose house we eat at; Andie, Lucas, Dax, Peyton, and I are the frequent diners. We’re joined less often by Jaden, Carter, and Dean.
“Ava, thanks so much for today. I would love to do it again.” Peyton starts shredding lettuce for a salad.
“Anytime, just send me a text.” Handing her the rest of the veggies, I pour marinade over chicken breasts and slide them back into the fridge.
We finish prepping dinner in comfortable silence, something that would have been impossible for me at the beginning of the semester. Letting my thoughts drift, I think about all the ways my life has changed in the past seven months. Smiling to myself, I finally don’t feel like I’m missing out by not traveling and painting. I was meant to be here, to realize how full my life could be while still being able to enjoy my passion.
Today was incredibly fun teaching Peyton different techniques. “I think I’m going to change my major.” The words pop out of my mouth before the thought is even complete.
“Really? To what?”
“Teaching, with a minor in art. Why I never thought of it until now, well I don’t know. All I know is all I’ve ever wanted to do is be creative, and that will allow me to have a reliable career with art still part of it.” Spinning around, I hug Peyton.
“What was that for?” Startled, she awkwardly pats my back and I step away before I make her completely uncomfortable.
“Today, teaching you. That enabled me to see how I could combine what I want in a job and what I need in a job. I don’t think I will ever be able to thank you for that.”
Peyton stands there, shock on her face that she could impact someone so positively. It makes me want to hug her again, but I refrain.
Sticking the potatoes in the oven, I mentally note scheduling an appointment with the registrar’s office. Things are falling into place, and I don’t ever remember being happier.
We’re immersed in an epic game of tag, Noah racing away from Carter to escape being “it.” Everyone has joined in while we wait for Dean and Morgan to show up so we can eat.
Ava races over to me and I leap out of her reach having lost track of who is “it,” right into the path of Jaden, who I missed while chasing her. “Boom. You’re it.” Jaden races off, grinning like a fool.
“Hey, guys.” Dean says as he walks over and sits on the blanket spread out close to the waterfall, a petite blonde at his side. “This is Morgan.”
Morgan smiles shyly, and we abandon our game, Carter flinging Noah over his shoulder and running in circles to distract him.
Ava sits down with them, talking quietly and pointing out everyone to Morgan. Sitting behind Ava, I pull her into my chest. “Hey, dude, it’s been too long.”
“I know, I’ve been hearing about it from Lucas. My brother got admitted to the hospital last week.” Ava is watching him carefully, her brows creased.
“Morgan, would you like something to drink?” Ava gestures to a cooler several feet away. They get up and walk together, chatting. Morgan seems like a nice girl, quiet but not withdrawn as I expected. Watching as the other girls join Ava and Morgan, I turn to Dean.
“What happened with your brother?” Dean doesn’t watch Morgan the way I expect him to, with how preoccupied he’s been with her. The shadows under his eyes are concerning and now that my attention is focused on him, I notice he’s lost a ton of weight.
“He has bone cancer. He was diagnosed four years ago and went into remission two years ago. He fell skateboarding and broke his wrist, when they scanned it there were dark spots in the bone. He had been having pains and suspected the cancer was back, but didn’t tell anyone. He’s only sixteen. Not only am I angry, but I feel helpless, and that’s not a feeling I deal with well.”
“Wow. I’m sorry to hear that, I know it doesn’t make any difference, but I am. Sometimes you just need to get out of your head, even for a moment. Why don’t you come out with me and Lucas later, get your mind off things?” I know that going out is probably not on his priority list, but I also know that dwelling on things you can’t change doesn’t make it better.
“Yeah, I guess it’s better than sitting at home.” He looks up as Ava and Morgan sit back down beside us. Morgan hands him a drink, leaning into him and whispering softly. He smiles, whispering back.
“Morgan was telling me how she wants to run her own preschool. She’s graduating this year and has even found a space. It’s too bad she didn’t have it for this year, I could have sent Noah to her.” Ava smiles warmly at Morgan, whatever reservations she had about her gone.
“I’m sure that there are enough parents in the student body here that you could inquire with the university. Maybe they will give you a better rate than in Jasper.” Trying not to react at the surprise in Morgan’s eyes at my suggestion, I’m thrown b
ack into feeling like I don’t belong. The look is gone in a flash, and I’m sure the surprise is more that I would think of something like that, but my insecurities of not belonging have resurfaced.
Noah calls me over to where he is playing a game of catch with the Jaden and Carter. Kissing Ava on the cheek, I get up to join them, relieved to be doing something. The way my brain works is so fucked up.
The smell of burgers on the grill makes my stomach growl. “Mister Dax, your stomach sounds like it has a bear in it.”
Noah presses his ear to my stomach as it roars loudly. “Well, so much for playing catch. Apparently your stomach is more interesting.” Carter tosses the ball in the air, migrating toward where Lucas is grilling.
Soon we’re all sitting on the blankets eating; Ava curls next to me, not engaging in the chatter going on around us. “What’s wrong, Sunshine?”
She leans into me, her lips tilted downwards in a rare frown. “It’s Dean. I thought, hoped even, that he was distancing himself because of Morgan. I was talking to her and they’re not spending as much time together as we thought. With his brother coming out of remission, I don’t think he’s handling the stress well. He just needs us to be diligent in dragging him out.”
“He’s coming out with Lucas and me later. We will knock some sense into him.” She frowns at me, and I soften my face to show I’m kidding.
Ava relaxes as Dean starts to join in, laughing as Carter teases him about hiding Morgan for so long because he was scared she would trade him in.
“So I have some news . . .” Ava looks up at me, her expression serious. “I should have said something sooner, but I wanted to be sure everything would work out. I’ve decided to switch my major to education. I realized when I was teaching Peyton how to paint how much fun it was and realized I could teach art.”
Her face breaks into a brilliant smile, her excitement palpable. “That’s perfect for you! I knew you could find a way to do what you love for a living.” Wrapping an arm around her waist, I brush my lips softly against hers, smirking when she moans with need. We shift a little, turning our focus back onto the conversation flowing around us.
