by Ashley Erin
Her eyes are shrewd, and I can’t help but chuckle darkly. “I know, I look like a member of the Addams family.”
She sits on the edge of the bed, the frown on her face never lifting. “I’m so sorry, Ava. I should have known better than to ask Dax that. If he had no idea what was going on, you would both still be happy.”
Her eyes are fixed on her lap, her voice soft with guilt. Struggling to sit up, we both laugh real laughs when I get tangled in the blanket and almost fall off the couch. “I don’t blame you. If the roles were reversed, I don’t doubt I would have asked the same thing. I just couldn’t sit back and watch. Forever it would be at the back of my mind, waiting for the next time. I can’t do that to myself and especially to Noah.”
Her eyes cloud over at the mention of my son, her head dropping into her hands. “You’re too forgiving. I am begging you, please consider forgiving Dax. Try to work it out.”
“I forgive him. I guess I knew as soon as I heard what was happening that he would go. That’s who he is; he will go to the depths of hell to protect his family.” The words are true, she sees it in my eyes, once I got past the blinding pain I knew I wasn’t angry with him. I am angry with myself for setting us both up for failure.
“Does that mean . . .” The hope falls from her face as I shake my head. She stands, her face drooping with sadness. Without a word, she leaves the apartment.
Curling back into a ball, I restart the exercises and try to sleep. I know I only have a few hours until the apartment is full of my friends trying to distract me.
Music wakes me and for a moment, I’m disoriented. I’m in bed, under the covers, the sound coming from my alarm. Reaching out, I smack it off only noticing the time when I have to open one eye because I missed the button.
Bolting out of bed, I rush through my morning routine, grabbing my bag from the floor. Thankful I had the sense to set an alarm, I would have felt awful if I had missed my commitment.
I almost slam the door shut when I see that Dax is in the hall. Instead, I step into the hallway to face him.
It hurts.
My body feels like it is being torn apart, limb by limb.
Trying to ignore the way my heart stutters as he examines me closely, reacting to his sad eyes and unable to stop the physical effect his gaze has on me. “Hello, Ava.”
“Hi.” We stand awkwardly in the hall, a safe distance between us. The urge to grab his hand is strong, so I tuck mine in my pocket, my fists clenched at my sides. I don’t know how to be around him anymore.
Unsure how to excuse myself, I’m thankful when Dax gives an excuse and goes into his apartment. My shoulders slump as I look at the shut door. Finally remembering where I was going, I race off to my car.
Noah’s class surrounds me, a large piece of paper spread out in the middle of the room. Each child has their own square, their tools are their hands and feet. Several parent volunteers wait around us, ready to wash feet and hands.
“Okay, kiddos, is everyone ready to paint their square?” A chorus of excited confirmations fill the room. “Go!”
When Noah’s teacher asked me to lead an art activity, I immediately agreed. I wanted to do something unique, something that enables the kids to unleash their creativity. It took some convincing the principal and the teacher needed to get parental permission, but thankfully, everyone was on board.
Screaming laughter surrounds us as we watch the kids cover their squares with blends of paint. The joy of being a child is that there are no inhibitions, no need to be perfect. They only want to have fun and paint.
Slowly the canvas fills as one by one the kids finish their squares. The patchwork of color is stunning, the mixture of colors with the hand and foot shaped presses.
“Wow. This looks amazing! When it dries, we’re going to hang it in the hall with all of the children’s names written around the edges.” Mrs. Lehman smiles warmly at me as she hands me a thank you card. “Noah was so excited, telling his classmates how awesome you are at painting. He says you’re the best artist in the world.”
My eyes find Noah chatting with his friends and I smile as I watch him gesture proudly at his square. Mrs. Lehman walks away, calling attention to the class. Noah runs up and gives me a big bear hug before finding his seat.
Watching for a moment as the class gets settled, the painting laying in the center of the room drying, I feel genuinely happy. Whenever I’m with Noah, I forget about the heartache, the pain of breaking up with Dax. This feeling, this reality is why I made that choice and watching Noah, I know I will be okay.
I’m drunk.
I’ve been drunk since I finished off a case of beer within an hour of seeing Ava in the hall. The shadows under her eyes haunt me as I grabbed the first beer, by the twelfth it is worse, and rather than finding the numbness I hoped for, my brain decides it is time to be honest with myself.
I became what I tried so hard not to become: unworthy.
“Gross, it smells like a brewery in here.” Andie tosses her bag in the middle of the floor, grabbing the empty bottles off the coffee table and removing the half-empty bottle from my hand. I’m too drunk to resist.
The clatter of glass as she tosses them into the garbage makes me flinch. I’m obviously not drunk enough, maybe buzzed is a better word. My eyes trail her as she comes back into the living room. I haven’t seen my sister look this pissed off in a long time. “Nugget . . .”
“Don’t Nugget me. I am so angry with you, my vision is actually blurring.” She faces me straight on, if it were possible, steam would be coming from her ears. “Let’s not even touch on the fact you broke Ava’s heart, the girl you proposed to not even a week before. Let’s focus on the fact you went into a gang house while you’re on probation. Let’s focus on the fact that you let Ivan manipulate you into doing something you said you would never do. Let’s focus on the fact that you broke promises not only to your friends, family, and fiancée, but to yourself as well.”
Her words fire straight into my heart, the fuzziness of my brain clearing as I drink the glass of water I didn’t even see her set on the table. “I know.”
“Dax, I love you. You’re my brother, and I’ve spent so much time defending your actions. This is one time I can’t defend. I want to be able to say to Ava that she shouldn’t have ended things that she should have trusted you to know. But I can’t. You made a choice, and you chose wrong.” She takes a deep breath, closing her eyes as though seeing me in this state is more than she can bear. When she opens them, they’ve lost some of their fire. “Please tell me this was a one-time lapse.”
“I’m pretty sure Ivan’s broken nose will prevent him from contacting me again. That and the threat of revealing information to any source that will make his life hell, including my parole officer.” She smiles when I mention breaking Ivan’s nose.
“Good. Now, what are you going to do? Are you going to sit around moping? Or are you going to do something to change the way you feel?” Andie stands, not even waiting for me to answer. “You should shower. You stink.”
Laughing, I heave myself off the couch. Grabbing a slice of cold pizza from the fridge, I start to sober up. She’s right; I can’t let one mistake take me down. Regardless of whether time will show Ava that I won’t mess up again, I need to do this.
A hot shower helps me feel like I’ve washed the blood off of my hands. Unleashing that part of me felt disgustingly good, but I think it’s because I finally turned on Ivan. I hate that part of me, the angry punk he always manipulated. I clung to that part of my life without even realizing it and the loss of a future I dreamed of was the ice-cold awakening I needed.
Picking up my phone, I do something I should have done a year ago. I block and delete Ivan’s contact from my phone. That one action starts an avalanche as I cleanse my phone of any trace of that part of my life. Gone, but not forgotten. I’ve finally truly learned from my mistakes.
A little too late.
Later that day, I stand outside my last sto
p. Perry’s Ink. It looks sketchy, like if I touch anything I will contract an STD, but once I step inside I’m blown away. It’s edgy and more importantly, clean. Walking up to the reception desk, I’m greeted by a woman who looks like a fifties pin-up model. Her platinum blonde hair falls in waves past her shoulders, accentuating the curve of her breasts.
Popping her gum, she smiles coyly at me. “May I help you?”
Ignoring the way she licks her lower lip, I remind myself to tell Carter he should come here. She’s exactly his type. My type is at home with paint on her nails, hair probably knotted at the top of her head as she creates a masterpiece. “Yeah, I have an appointment with Vic. Dax Burke.”
She silently leads me into a sterile room where a heavily tattooed man sits reading. He looks up as she shuts the door behind her, shutting his book with an emphatic thud. He gets right down to business. “Here is the design, look it over and if you approve, sign the consent form on the clipboard.”
He hands me a folded sheet of paper, as though he quickly scribbled something down during his break. When I unfold it, my breath is taken away. It’s small, simple, shaded perfectly and conveys exactly what I want it to. Signing the consent, I remove my shirt and lay on my back watching as he preps the gun and my skin for the tattoo.
Six hours later, I’m home and exhausted.
“Where have you been?” Andie sits up from where she is reclined against Lucas. I haven’t seen him since Ava ended things and I wish I could say something to fix the stare he’s giving me. “You got your hair cut.”
“I just cleaned it up. I was at risk of looking like I was imitating Bieber. I went and got a tattoo.”
Her eyes bug out of her head. “You know they don’t recommend doing that when you’re feeling emotionally unstable.”
“I’m perfectly stable. What you said this afternoon clicked.” Lifting my shirt over my head, I expose my new ink. My only ink.
Andie gasps as she sees it, Lucas’s eyes widening before his eyes dart to mine. He gives me a silent nod, and I breathe a sigh of relief; I know I’m one step closer to fixing my fuck up.
Giving my mom a hug, I head to Joe’s waiting car. Tossing my bag inside, I smile at Joe. “Hi.”
He smiles back, shifting his car into gear. “You’re looking better.”
“I am? Good, I’ve gotten really good at faking it.” Winking at him as I attempt to make a joke, he gives me a pity laugh. He’s been surprisingly kind after Dax and I broke up, respecting me enough not to try and pick me up. It might help that he met someone at his new office. On Sunday when I dropped Noah off, he introduced me to Kate, and I really like her.
“So, I have some news.” Joe keeps his eyes on the road, sending immediate warning signals through my head.
“Good news or bad news?” He grins at the skepticism in my voice.
“Mom and Dad started an education savings for Noah, that’s one of the stops we’re making; I’m adding you to the account so you can see what’s in there. They’ve been so thankful that you’ve given us all the chance to be involved.” He merges onto the highway, finally looking at me and smiling at the shock on my face.
“Wow. That’s so generous.” Glad that Joe and I have finally found a respectful routine, I’m grateful for that sense of normalcy in my life. I still haven’t found a way to tell Noah that Dax is no longer involved in my life. Well, at least not in the way I had hoped he would be. With our circle of friends, avoiding him is near impossible.
“I wanted to let you know that I made you my beneficiary. That way if something happens to me, you don’t have to worry about being able to look after Noah.”
“Wow, Joe. I don’t know what to say.” Choking up a little, I reach over and squeeze his hand before dropping it.
“Nothing. Don’t say anything. I’m his father and it’s my job to make sure he’s looked after.”
We get through our errands quickly. We tour a couple of schools before choosing where he will go in the fall for Kindergarten.
By the time Joe drops me off at school, we’re both exhausted, but I’m feeling optimistic. We spent almost an entire day together without any inappropriate comments or arguments. We got along well, and everything was Noah focused. Kate joined us for lunch and I like her even more this second time.
“Okay, well that was a productive day. I like Kate, she’s good for you.” Joe gets out of the car and hands me my bag.
“Does that mean you would be okay with her meeting Noah?” He looks hopeful, and I’m once again shocked at how much he has changed.
“Of course. Maybe just introduce her as your friend until you’ve been together for a little longer. I don’t want the same issue to come up as I am having to try to figure out how to explain why Dax hasn’t been around.” Joe leans against the car, grimacing.
“You guys were engaged, how were you to know it would end. I see what you mean, though.” Joe pushes off from the car and gives me a hug.
“Thanks for understanding. So I will drop Noah off on Sunday at the normal time.” Stepping away from him, I smile as we fall into what’s becoming our normal routine.
“Perfect.” Joe goes around the car, leaning on the door as he opens it up. “Ava, thanks for giving me the chance to prove myself, even when I didn’t make it easy for you. I hope you get the sparkle back that you’ve lost, maybe you should think about what you need to get it back.”
Shaking my head at him, I wave as he drives away. I know exactly what I need, I just don’t trust him not to hurt me again. His ties to that other world will always be tethered to him, trying to pull him back. I don’t know if he’s capable of ever cutting them, because why wouldn’t he have done so by now?
Later that day as I’m lying in bed trying to sleep, Joe’s words keep turning over in my head. Every night different scenarios of how things with Dax could have gone down plays over and over in my head.
I could have gone with them, not giving him the option to leave without me.
I could have trusted that he meant what he said when he claimed it was a one-time thing.
I could have tried to reason with Peyton.
I could have called the police.
The thing is, none of those options solved the issue. Every one of them hurt one of us. But the longer I go without seeing him, talking to him, touching him . . . The more I think about Dax and what happened, the more I wish we could fix things without compromising who we are and what we need from each other.
I just don’t think that’s possible.
Why did it have to turn into this? Breaking my rule was the best thing that had happened to me, aside from Noah, and now I’m back to square one.
I wouldn’t go back and change it though. The times we shared together, I wouldn’t give them up.
Watching Joe comfort Ava stung. In fact, it more than stung. I’m pretty sure a ghost just stabbed me in the gut and is twisting the knife.
What makes it worse is, I have no right to feel that way. I brought this on myself. Andie thinks I did it subconsciously to sabotage what I had with Ava because on some level I still don’t think I’m worthy of her.
Bounding up the steps two at a time, I’m in my apartment before Ava and Joe have said goodbye. Jealousy boils as I wish I were the one hearing her voice. Talking to her about her day.
The sound of their door shutting washes away the green-eyed monster.
Pacing the living room, my head spins with regret. Falling back on the couch, I force myself to change my thought pattern into a more productive way of thinking.
Ugh, Andie’s psychology crap is rubbing off on me.
Just fix it. That’s what I need to tell myself.
Ava doesn’t believe that I’m done with the Vipers. That I haven’t been able to let go of that life completely. It’s time to prove myself to her, she makes me better, and the future I envisioned for us is quickly slipping away. Because I let it.
The next morning, I’m sitting in my regular seat in math. It’s our last fi
nal. It’s also one of my last opportunities to try to talk to her before school is out. Her caramel macchiato sits on her desk and the intensity with which I’m watching the door borders on scary. Forcing myself to relax, I load Plants vs. Zombies onto my phone and attempt to play. The effort is wasted, because I’m still watching the door. Giving up, I stuff my phone into my pocket and quit trying to pretend I’m not looking for her.
The room fills up. Ava is still not at her desk, in fact, she’s not even in the classroom. It’s not until Williams is handing out the exams that she slips into her seat, faltering as she sees the coffee on her desk.
Williams sets the exams face down, going over the instructions for the exam. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Ava reach a shaking hand for the coffee before taking a sip. Her eyes are on me, but before I can meet her gaze and silently try to convey that I’m not giving up, Williams tells us to begin, and her focus is on the exam.
Scanning the exam, I almost laugh at how simple it is, but I refrain when a quick scan of the room shows how intensely focused most people are. Stretching my legs out, I begin working through the problems. Slowly. If I can manage it, I will be handing in my exam at the exact same time as Ava.
Slowly working through each question, most of my thoughts are focused on her. Being this close to her, seeing the cute crease between her eyes as she focuses on a problem, I want to beat the shit out of myself for making such a huge mistake.
Pressing my thumbs to my temples, I try to push away the headache that always surfaces whenever I start going in these circles. What good does it do to dwell? But isn’t that the joy of being human, our tendency to focus on our mistakes?
In the silent room, you can hear the tick-tock of the clock, and soon I see that half the time for the exam has passed and I’m only on the second page. Too slow. Shaking my head to clear it, I work through the questions as quickly as I can.
