by Zoey Derrick
I know it’s a load of crap and I’ve said it a dozen times already, so I guess we will see how this goes.
I decided earlier in the day that I wouldn’t go to the concert tonight. I don’t need the reminders, I don’t need to have Dex in my face. After his whispered words at my door last night, I know that something is shifting in him but I can’t put myself on that path, not anymore, and not until he really decides that’s what he wants to do.
Knock, Knock, Knock.
I climb off of the bed and call, “Who is it?”
“Addie.”
“Oh,” I squeak and open the door.
Her face falls as she takes in my attire. “You’re not coming?” She actually pouts.
“No, do you need me to?”
“No, I guess not, but…I was hoping you would.”
“I…”
“Can I come in?” she asks. I open the door, she steps inside and I close the door behind her.
“What’s up?” I say once she’s inside.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“I’d hope you’d be honest with me about anything,” I tell her. She takes a seat in the chair and I sit on the bed.
“I think you should give Dex some time,” she states. Though I can tell she’s concerned about bringing this up.
“Just when I finally decide to let it go,” I mumble and she laughs.
“I can see that. I’d let it go too, but I think there is more going on with him when it comes to you than he’s letting on.”
“It’s hard when he’s texting you one minute, begging you to come to the show, then you show up at the bar and he’s making out with some chick. I can’t handle the mixed signals from him. One minute he wants me, the next minute he’s running out the door,” I say bitterly. “It’s very confusing. It’s very draining.”
“I don’t know much, as far as Dex’s history is concerned, but…” she pauses and bites her lip, “he’s been going crazy all day today.”
“So is this why you want me at the show? Because if it is, I’m sorry, I just can’t.”
“No, that’s not why I want you at the show. I want you there because you genuinely look like you’re having a good time while you’re there.” I don’t need to mention that my good time is compliments of watching Dex behind his set. “But I won’t push you to do something you don’t want to do.” She gives me a half smile.
“What do you mean he’s been going crazy?” I finally manage to ask.
She snorts a laugh. “He’s been in my suite most of the day, talking to Talon and Kyle.”
I blink at her, trying to understand why he would be talking to them, what he would be talking to them about. So I ask her, “About?”
“You.”
“What about me?”
She gives me a full megawatt smile. “How he can fix what he’s fucked up.” The air in my lungs leaves in a rush and I lean forward, putting my elbows to my knees. “I’d love to give him some pointers.” She laughs. “Have any for him? He’s still in my room.”
I shake my head. “I think he needs to figure this out on his own, Addison, really I do.”
She smiles wide and stands up. “Yes, he does.” She comes to stand by me. “Get dressed. I’ll leave Casey behind for you. Come to the show tonight. If I’m going to offer you any piece of advice, it’s this.” I look up at her, righting myself. “Don’t give up, not yet. I know you don’t want to hear that. I know you want me to tell you to just walk away from it all, but I can’t do that. Being with Talon and Kyle has been the best time of my life. I wouldn’t deny anyone the happiness I feel when I’m with them. I know it’s there, between you and Dex. Just give him some time.”
“I can’t handle a cheater. I won’t do it again.”
She smiles at me then. “He’s kissed a woman, maybe two.”
“Try three,” I interrupt.
She frowns, “But I know for a fact that he hasn’t slept with anyone but you since getting to New York.”
Her words wash over me in a bath of warm light. “Kissing, looking, touching, it’s still the same as cheating in my eyes.”
“In mine too, but,” she hesitates, like she shouldn’t be telling me this, “every time he had one in his sights, you did something to destroy it. You’d show up, you’d disappear, you’d do something that would put you in the center of his world.”
I let her words slide over me once again. “He’s going to shatter me.”
“I doubt that. But I learned something since getting together with Talon and Kyle. If we hold back, if we don’t give into our longings, don’t give in to allowing ourselves to be hurt, we will never have anything we want in this lifetime. If you run away from this before it’s even had a chance to begin, you will regret it.”
“I know,” I breathe.
She gives me a sad smile. “Come tonight?”
“If you don’t tell him I’m coming, yes.” I need to be able to see it for myself. I need to see that he’s ready for what I have to offer him and if he’s really that torn up about it, then this will change everything between us.
“I won’t say a word,” she promises as she takes her leave of my room.
I rush straight to my closet.
Undeniable and gorgeous. That’s what I’m going for tonight and I think, somehow, I’ve completely managed it.
Bright red peep toe, fuck me pumps. Skinny leather pants, an open back, tapered three-quarter sleeve t-shirt with a skull on the front, though faded, the shoulders are exposed, and though it’s opened backed, it’s held together by being shredded. Make-up, jewelry, hair - pinup girl style. High in the front, pulled into a ponytail.
I glance at the clock - seven-thirty. I text Casey to let him know I’m ready.
There’s a knock on the door. I know Dex is at the arena, Addison texted me, so I don’t hesitate to open the door. “Fuck me,” Casey says in a very unguarded moment. I smile wide. “Sorry,” he mutters.
“Don’t be. Thanks for being my unsuspecting test subject.” I smile at him.
“Anytime. Can you walk in those things?” I laugh and step into the hallway.
“Yes. Are we under the radar?” I ask him and he gives me a knowing smirk.
“I will bet you a hundred dollars that he will fuck up when he sees you.” I smile wide.
“That’s the idea.”
He just shakes his head and escorts me down the hall and into the elevator.
I crack my knuckles, pop my neck and take my seat behind my drums. I’m finding it increasingly difficult to get into the right frame of mind tonight. I really wanted her to be here. I hate that I drove her to the point of ignoring me, hiding in her room, not wanting to really be around anyone.
When Addison had returned to their room, I was hopeful, but she said that Raine wouldn’t be here tonight and I resolved myself to finding other ways of making it up to her. We would be back on the road Thursday night, and she would be confined to a bus with me. She can’t avoid me forever and I am determined to prove it to her, prove that I need her, that I need her to help me. But I’m not worthy of what she has to offer. She’s offered more times since she got here than I deserve. Tonight just proves that my head is falling out of my ass just a little too late.
Talon gives me the signal and I count it off. Mouse and Peacock hit their notes at the same time as I do, creating the loud and intense sound that is 69 Bottles. A sound that took us years to perfect but only seconds to recognize.
We continue through our opening and then finally Talon starts to sing. We open the show with one of our most popular songs. It’s usually a good crowd starter. They get even more excited.
We’ve been playing the song for years, the drums roar under my sticks and the band rocks.
I’m just starting to warm up when that song ends and Talon talks to the crowd while I casually beat on the drums and the guys play their guitars. It’s soft, but the subtle strains of our next song has the crowd getting a little more wound up. When Talon is do
ne, we fly effortlessly into the next song.
We’re about halfway through the second song when I see her, she’s here, backstage. One of my sticks pops from my hand, causing me to miss a crash. I get a sideways glance from Mouse and a smirk as he realizes I’ve popped a stick. No, I fucking dropped a stick.
I recover quickly with a spare from the pouch that’s tied to my stool. She, on the other hand, has the widest, wickedest grin on her face. She’s done this on purpose, the little fucking minx. Jesus, she’s fucking gorgeous. I can’t keep looking at her, I’m going to fucking lose my place. I go back to concentrating on what I’m doing with a Cheshire grin on my face.
She’s shown up just in time.
I’m not sure what has me more excited, the fact that he dropped a stick, or the fact that I owe Casey a hundred dollars. I watch him, and he’s watching me, whether he intends to or not. He’s angled himself in such a way that he can keep stealing glances in my direction. Before the song finishes, I move out of his line of sight and walk around the back of the stage. His drums actually face the opposite way, well, they’re angled that way. By moving to the other side, he can look and play at the same time.
I watch the slow sexy smile that spreads across his face when I fall into his normal line of sight and he keeps playing. Though we don’t retain eye contact, I can tell he’s always looking at me.
When that songs ends, the atmosphere shifts and Mouse takes over on the guitar.
It’s the very familiar chords of the song I played on repeat last night. I cover my mouth and fight tears.
The crowd is going insane and Dex…he’s staring hard, searching my eyes. Conveying that he’d heard it, there’s sadness in his eyes too and I finally get it.
I point to him and he nods, I point to me and he nods. I can’t stop the slow smile that spreads across my face as Talon starts to sing ‘Broken’ by Seether.
When the song finishes up, they cut right into one of their faster songs and I wipe tears away from my eyes. Addison makes eye contact with me across the stage. She holds up her phone and I pull mine out.
Addison: You look amazing. Thank you for coming.
Raine: him dropping a stick made it all worth it.
Addison: Casey’s on cloud 9.
I look at her and chuckle lightly and go back to enjoying the show on the stage in front of me. Addison gets hooked up to her mic for the second time and I escape back behind the stage to the other side because I know Dex will come off stage shortly and I want to be there when he does.
They finish up the song and my heart starts to flutter. Dex makes eye contact with me. His steel grey eyes penetrate me and cause me to shiver and my already heated sex to fire up. The little ball of nerves is on fire as he narrows his eyes at me. He’s on a rampage, but he’s not angry. He charges off of the stage first and Addison giggles as she passes him.
Excitement, terror and pure lust course hotly through my veins. I back up toward the wall, trying to put some distance between us before he crushes me. But I have no outlet, nowhere to go. Fuck, he knows this. I put my hands up in self-defense, but he smirks. Grabbing my wrists, he spreads my arms wide and then over my head, pinning me to the wall.
His lips crash hard onto mine. He smells like Dex, heady and sweaty, but it’s fucking sexy as hell. He steals my breath away the moment his tongue slides inside, seeking mine.
He abruptly pulls back, he is breathing heavy. “You.” Kiss. “Made.” Kiss. “Me.” Kiss. “Pop my stick.” Lick across my lips. “You made me lose my place.” He kisses me again. “You made me screw up.” I give him a wicked chuckle. “You naughty girl.”
“Think about what you just said.” I’m still laughing.
“Well, that is how fucking gorgeous you look tonight.”
“Shut up,” I tell him.
He pulls back.
“Shut up and fucking kiss me, you idiot.”
He smiles wider than I’ve ever seen him smile before and he presses his lips and sweaty body against mine and I’m completely and totally lost in his kiss. His lips, his tongue, his body pressed against me. His knee slides between my legs and I writhe against him and he groans. After a few more beats, he breaks the kiss. “We need to talk,” he whispers.
“Yeah, we do.”
“Stay?”
“Yes,” I breathe.
“Promise?”
“I promise.”
He slowly lets me go, like he knew I was going to be unsteady on my feet and he doesn’t want me to fall. Once I’m situated, he goes and grabs three bottles of water. He tucks one under his arm, then hands me one. I smile as we both open our bottles. He downs his in two swallows and immediately goes for the other one and downs that one equally as fast. I take a big pull off of mine and hand it over to him.
He smirks, takes it and drinks it.
“Gotta go,” he breathes. “Get back on the other side of the stage,” he says as a command.
‘Yes, sir.” He scowls at me, but then smiles and goes back on stage.
When Addison comes off the stage, she’s a little sweaty, but she’s all smiles. Then she comes to me and teases, “No wonder he dropped his sticks.” She winks and takes Kyle’s offered bottle of water. I escape to the other side of the stage to watch him perform the rest of the concert.
As soon as the guys were done on stage and with their encore, Dex disappeared into the dressing room so he could shower. He was a sweaty gross mess, but still sexy as fucking hell. He kissed me chastely on the forehead and he told me where he was going, but I felt disappointed that he didn’t ask me to come along.
What was really funny about this night is that Dex never once advanced on me beyond kissing. In fact he never even made a move to try and take me back to the hotel. He was just content to have me next to him.
When he’d asked about going out after the show, I’d said that I had enough to drink the night before and that I wanted to just go back. He escorted me back to the hotel and kissed me on my doorstep, for lack of a better term. It was ridiculously sweet. But that was all she wrote. When I asked if he wanted to come in, he respectfully declined.
Gone was the assholian, and here arrived the gentleman.
We didn’t talk that night, in fact we didn’t talk Sunday, Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday as we were swamped with band appearances and then it came time to board the bus late Thursday. I dreaded it, I really did, but as the week progressed, Dex remained ever the gentlemen and even when I wasn’t with him, he behaved. Even on the one night that I showed up, just to watch. Think of me what you will, but I couldn’t help myself. I needed to know that he was really trying to prove himself and so far, it seemed to be working.
We travelled from New York to DC on Thursday night for our show on Saturday.
We arrived in DC around eight and got checked in. The bus collectively decided that we would just stay in DC until late Wednesday when we would head to Greensboro for the next show.
It’s nearly midnight when there’s a knock on my door. I no longer dread answering the door, in fact, when I do and see Dex standing on the other side, relief washes through me. He holds up a bottle of Crown. “Can we talk?” he asks.
I smile at him and open the door. He kisses the top of my forehead as he passes me and steps into the room. This one has a little sitting room between the bed and the patio. I go to the counter near the bathroom and grab two tumblers and fill them with ice and join him in the sitting area. There are two couches, one on either side of the room with a table between them. I set the glasses down on the table, drinking in his long fingers as he opens the bottle and pours us both a glass. He slides one over to me. I sit back and smile. I don’t say anything, this is his talk. It’s up to him to make the first move.
She’s so gorgeous, even kinda mussed up and tired. I can see it in her eyes and I wonder if she’s been sleeping well.
I took the ground less traveled after our last New York show. Yes, it took everything I had to not drag her into that dressing room, but
I figured I had a lot of making up to do first. Though it’s been a few days, I don’t feel fully redeemed, not yet. She was the star of my fantasies every day and every day it’s becoming harder and harder to stay away from her. I can’t do it anymore.
“I am drawn to you like a magnet. When I’m not around you, I miss you. When I’m near you, all I do is fuck shit up. I keep making an ass out of myself and one of these times you’re going to kick me to the curb.”
“You deserve it,” she says, putting her hands down.
“I do. You shouldn’t want to be with me. I’m dangerous. I’ll fuck you up the way I fuck up everything else in my life.”
“Why is it so easy for you to detach yourself, but impossible for you to see what’s really in front of you?”
I look at her. She’s right of course. “I do see what’s in front of me. You, beautiful, forgiving, sexy.” I give her a smile.
“You really think I’m beautiful?” I nod. “Sexy?” I smile. “I wouldn’t say forgiving, not yet anyway.” She sighs. “Dex?”
“Hmm?”
“Call me sweetheart or baby again and I won’t be so forgiving.” I give her a raised eyebrow. “I see it in your eyes, I watch you war with yourself when you drop those terms on me. I was there, in that room that Sunday night, and I saw firsthand how you process things. You drop those names and it’s like flipping a light switch off. You detach, you disappear. I wanted to believe the moment you called me sweet girl or princess, that you were changing your tune with me. Whether it was a play to get laid, or a reality, I’ve yet to figure it out. I’d like to go with reality, but I’m not sure anymore.”
“It’s reality.”
“I know because you tried to walk away, or run rather,” she says with a small smile playing on her lips.
