by Stead, Nick
I let the change take me back to that halfway point between man and beast, in a further attempt to lose myself in my primal urges. It felt much smoother than usual, as though my body were responding to the anticipation I was trying to build inside, trying to induce the bloodlust so I could lose myself in the violence.
I was able to keep off the streets as I honed in on my prey, guided by the sound of their laughter. The land dipped and rose, full of natural cover. It was the perfect hunting ground.
My destination turned out to be a park. Luckily the woodland bordered it on two sides, and the street running round it seemed quiet. There were six children playing: four girls and two boys. Two women stood watching over them and chatting, their backs to the woodland I lurked in. Seeing the families brought another stab of grief for all that I had lost, and the depression and despair threatened to overwhelm me again. I shook my head as if that would clear it, and tried to focus on the hunt.
Even though I’d been taking my hybrid form most of the time, it still required a great amount of energy, and the hunger was there, the craving for raw flesh, to replenish my reserves. It was never quite as strong as after a full transformation, but it was still a potent force, all the worse for being unable to satiate it properly. I let it drive me towards my prey.
My first victims didn’t know what hit them, I moved so fast. The mothers died before they could raise the alarm for their children, and then I was on the first of the kids.
Laughter turned to screams and with screams came tears. Fear was thick in the air, contagious amongst my prey and almost suffocating. Once I would have revelled in it. But not that day. My dark pleasures remained lost to me.
I released the first little girl to grab one of the others as he tried to flee. Her leg was almost completely chewed off, the limb hanging on by the barest of gory threads. It became less about satisfying the hunger and more about the brutality of the attack, in a desperate attempt to spark those emotions a kill used to bring. Anything to fill the emptiness.
Teeth closed around the little boy’s throat. He was so small that they passed clean through his neck, sending blood spraying over the concrete. His head rolled to a stop by the swings he’d been enjoying just moments before, and blood pooled around his corpse.
Before his body hit the ground, I’d already lashed out at one of the other girls, ripping a gaping wound in the soft flesh of her belly and sending her crashing to the concrete. She curled into a ball, screaming and shaking with the pain. I left her bleeding out and lunged at my fourth victim.
Jaws clamped on her arm and I tossed her around like a slab of meat, because that’s all she was to me in that moment. My fangs ground against the bone with every movement of my head, but I gripped the limb tight and wouldn’t let go. It snapped with the force of my attack, a crimson fountain spraying into my mouth and over my body, matting my fur. The shock proved too much for the youngster. I dropped her still form to the concrete, her blood running to join that of the decapitated boy.
The other two had started to run but I was on them before they’d barely gotten to the edge of the playground. The fifth received a swift and merciful death. Some rational part of my mind knew they couldn’t be allowed to leave and alert the village. Their screaming would bring more humans soon enough, and I had to act fast now.
I slashed my claws across the final child’s throat, putting an end to her cries. Then I savaged her body, tossing body parts with each mighty shake of my head. Still the bloodlust remained silent. I resigned myself to the fact it was not going to reawaken and began to feed.
The world took on that unnatural stillness that follows certain atrocities. There weren’t even any birds singing in the trees, or rodents rustling through the undergrowth; no dogs barking in the distance. It was as if the entire area had felt my presence and its inhabitants had fled before me. Most noticeable was the absence of the children’s laughter that had so saturated the air before my arrival. The silence was all the more oppressing following the screams I’d elicited from each victim, before stealing away their final breath.
I knew I should be feeling the guilt and remorse, and the horror, that I’d felt in the beginning. But there was only that emptiness, that gaping wound in my soul much like the one I’d ripped open in the body of the little girl. I truly was one of the undead. My body continued its mockery of life but inside I was every bit as dead as the tiny carcasses I’d surrounded myself with.
Their ruined frames continued to ooze blood, once a substance that had seemed to fill me with the life force of my prey, back in the early days when the curse had made me feel truly alive. But that was before I’d come to realise the true cost of my newfound powers. Now it only ran cold and dead into the void, offering no comfort or brief reprieve from my own inner state of death.
“God, Nick, what have you done?” a voice said, making me jump.
“Lizzy! You can’t really be here…”
“Are you really so desperate that you must turn to such mindless slaughter?” the apparition continued, as if I’d not said anything.
“I just wanted to feel something,” I answered miserably. “I can’t take any more of this nothingness inside. I need something to give my life meaning again.”
“And did their deaths hold any meaning? Can there be any meaning from brutal murder?”
I remained silent and crouched over the little girl I’d been feasting on, staring at the gory remains. The small limbs scattered around and the severed head were like gruesome doll’s parts, but the mutilated torso bore little resemblance to anything human now.
“What have I become?” I whispered.
The hallucination didn’t answer this time, so I continued along my line of thought. “Pathetic. A lost, wretched soul, intent on killing for no reason other than in an attempt to combat his own misery. And for what? It seems my rage is truly spent; I don’t even feel pleasure in this like I did just a couple of months ago. No wonder the wolf part of me hates me. I’m no better than the human hunters I once despised for slaughtering animals for sport. How did it come to this?”
“Yes, you who has the blood of wolves in you, who could be so much greater than either man or wolf if only you’d look to the best of each half. Yet still you continue to let the worst rule you – that darkness at the heart of mankind that once you hated, that a part of you still hates.”
“So what do you want from me?” I snarled. “To ask forgiveness; seek redemption from some silent God who doesn’t even care, if he even exists? I’m a killer now and my soul is dead; how do I come back from that?”
I tried to be angry but still it would not come. Then a fresh scream brought me back to reality. My gaze fixed on the first adult to find the horrific scene. I like to think that I looked at her with those same soulful eyes a dog gives his master, knowing he’s done something wrong. But in reality they were probably as cold and empty as I felt inside.
There seemed little point in killing this other human. I had no more appetite for flesh or violence, and by the time the Slayers heard of what she’d seen I’d be long gone. So I left her to her horror and slunk off into the woods.
My tongue flicked across my teeth. Stringy bits of the children’s flesh were caught there, and their blood was still wet on my fur. It was as if death now clung to me, as meaningless as my own pitiful existence.
I returned to the remoteness of the moors, the place so virtually devoid of life as the state I’d regressed to. It would be dark soon and I knew Lady Sarah would only look for me if I didn’t return to her before she rose from the ground. But I couldn’t face her in light of the sheer hopelessness of my situation. I wasn’t in the mood for her lectures about my recklessness in taking human prey, or her lessons in survival. Instead I continued to wander the moors in search of a water source big enough to submerge myself in, and finally found a large, glacial lake.
The liquid was icy cold, but I gritted my teeth and forced myself to immerse my entire body in its cleansing waters, trying
to wash away some of the blood to help hide what I’d done. I let the liquid pass through my jaws and lessen the metallic, salty taste that suddenly seemed foul, though the water couldn’t take it away completely. A part of me wanted to just close my eyes and let the water take me, but still I couldn’t bring myself to end it. And even if I had tried, no doubt my lupine half would have prevented me from dying. Short of destroying my heart or my brain, I would never be able to manage suicide without him bringing me back from the brink of death. Eventually I felt a presence at the side of the lake and I dragged my numb body back onto dry land. It was of course Lady Sarah.
I could tell she disapproved of my decision to take a bath as I lay shivering violently at her feet, but she wouldn’t let me escape another night of training. So my misery continued.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
More Confusion
By the next full moon, Lady Sarah had grown yet more cautious. Despite her conviction that it was unlikely I would kill another vampire – if I’d even been responsible for the deaths of the other two – she wasn’t taking any chances. She was determined to keep me close this time.
I had enough sense not to give in to the transformation too early, so she had a chance to rise before the temptation to run off and kill took hold. But with no cloud cover to hide the moon, I couldn’t fight it for long.
My teeth lengthened into fangs, my eyes burning amber in a face stretching out into a muzzle. Hands and feet elongated, hard pads forming beneath, while other bones seemingly ground together as they shortened. Internal organs shifted and also changed in size and possibly shape, my ears grew pointed and shifted to the top of my head, and fur now covered my body from head to the tip of the tail growing at the base of my spine. As the human part of me sank down towards our subconscious, I briefly wondered if this transformation would be my last, and whether I was destined to die a lone wolf, shunned even by my supposedly ‘fellow’ undead. Then the wolf took over and I surrendered control of our body to him.
I turned my gaze on Lady Sarah. She was anxious again. Her body might not react like a human’s, but I could see the tension in her muscles. And I knew why. I knew what had happened at the old warehouse and why she was so afraid to let me out of her sight that month. The need for caution had never been so urgent.
I hated my human half for slaughtering the children with little reason, yet deep down their deaths had excited me. My lunar master was calling me back to the hunt, and I didn’t want to fight it. I could feel my bloodlust stirring. It had no time for caution.
“Patience,” Lady Sarah growled. She dropped to all fours, a she-wolf once again. “We will hunt, but we need to choose our prey with care.”
So she’d decided it was better to risk the Slayers’ wrath than the fury of her fellow vampires. That should have had me worried. Would I really meet my end at the hands of my former allies?
“Come,” she said, breaking into a run.
I bounded after her, my heart pounding stronger than ever with the joy of chasing over the moors and the feeling of being so alive. The bloodlust came to a temporary quiet and I grew playful, snapping at Lady Sarah’s heels and wrestling her to the ground.
Our bodies rolled over the hard soil in a tumble of flailing limbs, protected from the worst of the friction by our pelts. I found myself on my back with her jaws around my muzzle. Angry impatience flared across her eyes and I looked away.
“This is not the time for games,” she snarled. “Do you not recognise the danger we are in?”
“Sorry, alpha.”
The sound of cars and the smell of toxic fumes carried to us on the wind. She let me up and I sprang to my feet, racing for the human world. Seconds later she was overtaking me, and I was content to follow her, all sense of play forgotten. Hunger was taking over.
A wall of sound assaulted our ears as untamed moors gave way to carefully maintained fields, which in turn became man-made surfaces. This was a much larger settlement than the village. Prey would be plentiful, but so would our enemies.
Lady Sarah slowed to a wary prowl and I mirrored her. My bloodlust didn’t want to listen to caution but her dominance helped keep me in check. It would not do to get ourselves killed through sheer recklessness.
Footfalls sounded from a nearby street. As one, we turned towards the sound of prey, ears pricked and snouts raised to the wind. There were two of them, female and in good health, out jogging. No one else walked the street, and I detected no gunpowder to indicate they were armed. The perfect victims.
A thrill went through me at the sound of their hearts, pumping so frantically with the effort of running, like two caged things, begging for me to set them free. My mouth watered. I couldn’t wait to rip them from their bony prisons and set the blood flowing. A whine escaped my throat and I looked to Lady Sarah for permission. She started forward again, her pace quickening, and I matched it, breaking into an easy lope.
The humans came into sight and all sense of caution fled before my hunger. It drove me into a full sprint, then I was on my target before she’d had chance to fully comprehend what was happening.
Just like I’d done to Lady Sarah, I barrelled into the human and sent her tumbling to the ground. But this was no longer play. The concrete ripped away a layer of her skin and the scent of blood drove me into a frenzy. Fangs sank into flesh and I was lost.
Her death came in a blur of savagery. Muscle and cartilage tore free in my jaws, a section of spine showing in the hole left behind. It disappeared beneath a wave of blood seconds later. The blood – it was intoxicating.
I tore into the fresh meat and gulped it down with carnivorous enthusiasm, spattering the pavement with fluids and entrails. The less palatable organs sat in a slimy lump, my hunger demanding the richest and most prized of her offal – the heart, liver and kidneys. They all went down in great chunks, pieces of them falling to my paws as I worked them round my mouth, only to be licked up moments later. It was the most satisfying meal I’d had in weeks.
Beside me, Lady Sarah appeared human again. I glanced at her victim but knew better than to encroach on the food of my alpha. It wouldn’t be appetising for much longer anyway. Her eyes were closed in ecstasy as she drank deeply, set on draining every last drop the woman had to offer.
I was done with my own kill. Some part of me knew I should wait for Lady Sarah to finish before hunting for another, but it was drowned out by the calling of the moon. My hunger screamed at me for more, and I was powerless to fight it. The night’s dangers were forgotten. I left the vampire to her own bloodlust, and ran to find new prey.
On the fringes of the town, all was quiet – unnaturally so. Humans may have considered it eerie, but I was used to it. Not even the local wildlife stirred. They knew better; death had come within their midst, and death awaited them. To do anything but hide and cower spelt certain doom.
Only the town centre pumped out more noise. I could hear humans indulging in their nightlife, laughing and shouting and enjoying the poison they called alcohol. Their music thundered around them and car doors slammed as they took their taxis from place to place. I listened from the quiet back streets, tempted to fall on the crowds and gorge myself on their flesh.
My paws began to creep forward, as if the muscles had switched to automatic. Something was wrong. I suddenly felt thoughts running through my mind that weren’t my own. The human. That mental wall dividing our two personalities was collapsing. I could feel the other part of me clawing at the invisible barrier in its desperation to let the bloodlust fill it once more. Its thoughts were invading my own, and it was the last thing I wanted.
I was no longer struggling in the grip of the moon – I was fighting to stay separate from the part of me I despised. But all the human wanted to do was embrace our dark desires, and it started to throw itself at the wall between our minds. And like any wall, it could only take so much…
I must have blacked out because when I came to, I was no longer entirely in wolf form. But my body was the least of m
y worries.
Apparently I’d collapsed, but when I tried to stand, my body didn’t seem to want to react like it should. Moving my head was a mistake. It wasn’t as if I’d banged it because it wasn’t exactly pain, it was more like my head felt too full, as if my mind had grown and it was too big for my skull to hold. I felt like it would spill out onto the street if I moved. But it wasn’t just that; I couldn’t think clearly and it was as if my thoughts had slowed. Thinking was an effort, and my mind seemed to be in a state of confusion.
It took some time before I could get as far as my hands and knees. Bloodied hands swam before my vision, or were they paws? Gore pooled around them, leaking from a body lying nearby. Apparently I’d managed to kill during the blackout, probably out of instinct to replace the energy I’d lost. I was still weak with hunger and I struggled to crawl towards the corpse, but after a few mouthfuls I could already feel my strength returning.
The hunger wasn’t satisfied when I’d done with my kill. I looked up at the sky and snarled at the patch of light breaching the clouds. It continued to call to me and there was only one way to answer – through blood and death. With another snarl, I tried to stand again. But my mind couldn’t decide if I should be upright or on all fours.
Somehow I made it to my back legs, clinging to the wall for support. It felt wrong and I wanted to drop back onto all fours, yet at the same time it felt right. And the loudest part of my brain screamed I didn’t have time for those feelings – the hunger had to be obeyed.
So I lurched away, not knowing whether I was man or beast. I don’t simply mean physically, but mentally as well. My sense of self had altered in some way and it was affecting my grip on reality, making it impossible to tell whether my body was human or wolf, or a combination of the two. But I didn’t know which it was meant to be either – I felt like I was both at the same time. All I knew was the hunger and my basic animal urges, which at that point in time were simply hunt, kill, eat.
