by R. Rodriguez
“Well, I hope you’re not pregnant. You are taking care of yourself, right?”
“Pregnant?” My mind went like one hundred miles per minute. It never entered my thoughts that could be a possibility. I certainly wasn’t taking any birth control. My recent physical relationship with Dario was the only one I had experienced in my life, thus I wasn’t as quick to go to the necessary places to protect myself from an unwanted pregnancy. In truth, I didn’t even know where to go.
“I don’t know, Dario. Could I be?” I sounded stupid even to myself.
“Listen, babe… You better take care of that. Take a test or something. You’re killing me here!” Dario commented before hanging up.
I immediately called Laura, who was far more experienced than me in these matters. She assured me that nowadays I could know if I was pregnant in about three minutes with a home pregnancy test. She said even doctors used them sometimes.
“Will you come with me, Laur…? I’m scared,” I confessed.
“Of course, Grace. Gee… You’re only my best… girl… friend. Let me put something decent on and we’ll go to the pharmacy.” Laura jetted to put on some clothes.
We walked back, babbling about the possibility of me being pregnant. My chest felt like it was going to explode from the anxiety of this happening now, when my life was so on track.
We quickly purchased a two test kit, in case the first one proved defective, and practically ran home to read the instructions. I just couldn’t deal with it all. I was a nervous wreck and Dario kept calling me when I told him my plans.
Finally, we figured out the way to use it and I went to the bathroom to dutifully fulfill my end. When I was done, I gave the test stick to Laura not wanting to see for myself. The box said it took about three minutes to get definite results, but Laura was shrieking way before the three minutes were up.
“Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God, Grace.” She extended the stick until it was practically under my nose so that I could see the huge positive sign in the result window up close.
I grasped the test stick from Laura’s hand and waved it around as if air would change the results in the window.
“We have to wait the full three minutes, Laura.” I said hopefully.
But the three minutes came and went and the results remained the same.
At that point, I started to hyperventilate and the insistence of Dario’s calls threw me into full hysterics.
“Oh my God, Laura. What am I going to tell him? What am I going to do? Dario doesn’t want to have this baby.” Although Dario didn’t know about it yet, I said this last sentence with a certainty that could only be found in my heart—and what he had mentioned casually before—and the evidence of his life circumstances.
Dario was barely graduating, two years after his due graduation date and it wasn’t because he had come from another country. He had just changed his major one too many times. He had no job, no money. He wasn’t good with commitment. Dario wasn’t even my official boyfriend. We were just ... well, friends with lots and lots of benefits.
“You have to tell him, Grace. You have to,” Laura said solemnly before handing me my cell phone.
“Babe! Finally! What gives?” Dario interrogated.
I swallowed hard before answering him and closed my eyes as I did.
“I am pregnant, Dario. I just took the test,” I admitted.
“What the ef ..%&*! Take the test again, Grace!” he demanded.
“There’s no need, Dario. It was clearer than day.” My throat was beginning to constrict and it wasn’t exactly from the asthma attacks I was prone to having.
“Grace! I’m graduating! I’m going away to Argentina. My dad has a job lined up for me already. I can’t have a kid right now. I can’t, Grace. Do you hear me?” Dario shouted into the phone angrily. “You weren’t on the pill?!”
“No. I wasn’t,” I said quietly. “I never thought…”
“You didn’t think, Grace. You didn’t think.” Dario seemed so offended by our baby that it hurt me. I wasn’t ready for a baby, either, but I would cherish any child of ours despite the circumstances.
Dario went on and on about it. He never once asked me how I felt, if I was okay. He never reassured me that all would be well. He kept yelling, until he just hung up on my face.
I was sitting around the apartment in a daze when Laura’s boyfriend Stan burst through the door.
“Damn, Grace. What did you do to Dario, girl? He’s hysterical over there at the frat house. Chad’s trying to calm him down, but he’s talking about wanting to kill you or something?”
I flinched at Stan’s half question- half revelation and Laura quickly grabbed him by the arm to her bedroom to shush him. I dialed Dario’s number repeatedly, but he didn’t answer. I tried to talk to him before going to bed, but there was still no response on his part.
I didn’t hear from Dario in the next couple of days, either. I felt wretched and ashamed for having ruined everything for him. I was feeling too guilty to be hurt by his sudden disappearance, but it didn’t take long to sink in. I did have a doctor confirm my pregnancy just in case I lucked out and the test was wrong, but there it was plainly confirmed. I was having a baby.
I longed for my dad’s wisdom. I even called him once during those days and hung up when he picked up. I couldn’t let him know the mess I had gotten myself into after having righted my life so finely.
Telling Lucian was also out of the question. He had helped me too much. He expected too much from me to receive the news that I had managed to derail my future once more, lightly. The rest of the month passed and there was still no word from Dario. My wretchedness began to surmount at this point. I made sure I went to class. I made sure I took my exams and I handled the joys of my new morning routines, vomiting everything I ingested for breakfast, as best as I could.
During this time, I had begun to create a bond with my unseen baby. My stomach upsets and other body symptoms began to make me aware that there was a new life growing inside of me and I began to love my baby. Of course, I wasn’t showing at all, it was too soon for that, but I did feel a hardness to my belly that wasn’t there before. I could only remember the many days of passion I’d enjoyed with Dario that had resulted in this.
My outings with Lucian were highly reduced. I was afraid he’d notice a change in me. Lucian was so perceptive. He was a bit thrown off at first at my brush offs, but then he kidded with me about my sudden transformation into a hermit and laughed it all off. He took it as a sign that I was finally on track with my work and studies again.
I was beginning to form an idea of how I could handle this new situation in my life, when I bumped into Dario on campus. Despite having the right to at least a conversation with him about our baby’s future, I had resisted going to look for Dario at his frat house. I let things be and stuck to my side of campus.
I soon learned that it wasn’t entirely by chance that I bumped into him. To make matters worse, I was pallid and sickly from my recent early purge. I could only imagine what I looked like.
“Grace,” Dario said curtly.
I turned and almost jumped at the sound of his voice and at the sight of him. He still had an indescribable effect on me. I didn’t greet him back. He had ignored me for far too long for me to acknowledge him. Besides, I was too frozen into place to react.
It was he who pressed on.
“We gotta talk.” No more babe for me, huh. He talked about me not using protection… Where was his protection when we were in the middle of everything, huh?
“Can we go to your place?” he asked.
“You can say whatever you have to say to me, here.” I didn’t want to prolong my agony anymore. If he was going to break up with me from our not so official relationship, he could do it right then.
But, to my surprise, Dario wasn’t going to break up with me. Dario was handing me a peace offering in his own unique way.
“Babe… I miss you.” He grabbed me and placed his forehead ag
ainst mine and kissed me without warning.
My heart immediately began to melt. This was my baby’s father telling me he missed me.
“We can solve this. There’s a solution,” Dario continued.
I just stayed quiet. Hope started to rise in me.
“Really, Dario?” I asked cautiously. I knew he wasn’t heartless as Laura had suggested. All of those days together couldn’t possibly mean nothing to him.
“Yeah, babe. I’ve got it all set up. That’s why I haven’t seen you in a while. I was trying to solve this whole thing. I can now.” Dario held on to my face while he kissed me again and placed his other hand in his pocket.
“Here.” I couldn’t make out what he was placing into my hand until the smell of money hit me.
“I found a place that’s near here. The full amount is there,” he said urgently.
A sudden desire to wail overcame me and I wanted to pound on Dario’s chest with all of my might. I wanted to scream out that I didn’t want to kill our baby. Torrents of tears flushed down my face and I couldn’t control my sobs while I held on to our baby over my shirt.
Dario didn’t come comfort me. He just didn’t let up in his request.
“We are not ready to have a kid, Grace. We are not ready. Think of your cello. Think of my coaching. I decided I’m not going back to Argentina. I even have a job lined up for me, girl. Right here on campus. I want to be with you. I feel for you. I do. But, we cannot have this kid right now, Grace. You have to do this for us.”
Dario’s words confused me. He didn’t only shower me with reasons to get rid of our baby. He showered me with promises that we would be together and with endless hugs and kisses all over my face. I was a mess. Just a mess. I let him take me to my apartment. I let him tuck me under the covers of my unmade bed and I let him sit next to me while he stroked my head.
“Grace. I’ll go with you. We can do this. We have to.”
“Dario. I love our baby. I think it’s a boy,” I cried.
“We can have a baby later. When you graduate. We’ll get married. We’ll have a baby then, babe. You’re the one I want, but we’re not ready for this. The baby won’t be set up, you know. We need to do this for our future.” Dario tried to reason with me. He spoke forcefully near my face trying to convince me.
I knew I loved him. I loved Dario. And here he was telling me that we would be together. That it wasn’t all finished here. That we had made a mistake, but that we could have better in the future. I began to justify what he was asking of me. I began to visualize how my family would react if they knew. I couldn’t imagine handling my mother’s disapproval one more time. I was finally making it in life. Maybe Dario was right. We didn’t have the right to ruin a kid’s life like we were about to.
I reluctantly, but very selfishly, climbed into the passenger seat of Dario’s friend’s car and let him lead me away to kill our child.
It was all over within minutes. And the only indication that I was missing something within me was the dull cramp between my legs and the ache in my heart. I limped to the car with Dario’s help as he drove me home. Dario didn’t stay with me as I expected. He said he had to return the car to his friend right away and excused himself. He promised he’d call me later and I don’t even know if he did so because I fell deeply asleep.
When I woke up, I felt more cramped up. My physical pain was nothing compared to the emptiness I felt inside, though. I tried to rise from my bed to keep my mind off what I had just done but I couldn’t balance on my own two feet. My cramping became worse. When I stood up again, heavy blood rushed down my legs. The pain was unbearable.
I sobbed for help, but apparently Laura wasn’t home. I tried to breathe as contraction after contraction hit me. I forced myself to remain conscious as my weak body betrayed me. Somehow, I managed to limp to the phone and hit redial on the last number that had called the apartment. I couldn’t find my cell phone. It was Lucian’s.
I killed my baby. I killed my baby. I hammered these words into my conscience until they hurt in themselves. I deserved to die, too.
I unlatched the door and Lucian burst in.
“What’s wrong, Grace?! What’s wrong, sweetheart?” I collapsed in Lucian’s arms in heart wrenching sobs.
“I killed my baby, Lucian,” I sobbed. “I killed my baby.”
Lucian looked puzzled and stricken at my revelation. Furthermore, he looked horrified at the amount of blood staining the carpet.
“Grace! Grace!” I heard Lucian’s frantic shouts as if far away.
And I felt his strong arms carrying me to my room.
“I’m calling an ambulance,” he declared.
Shortly after, I felt him over me, smoothing my hair down and cleaning my face with a wet towel. I felt his soft kisses on my face. I felt his love for me. His care and tenderness made me feel that I wasn’t such a bad person.
Lucian lay next to me comforting me until the EMT’s arrived. I caught a glimpse of the fear in his eyes before they took me away and then everything went black.
When I woke up, I was in a stale hospital room.
“I killed my baby today, Lucian. Dario went with me. We killed our baby.” It came out like an anguished cry.
“Take it easy, Grace.” He got up from a chair to smooth down my hair.
“We did. Dario and I killed our baby,” I said.
“What am I going to do with you? I leave you out of my sight and look what happens,” he said like the weight of the world was on his shoulders.
“Where is he?” I asked quietly.
“Who, Grace?” Lucian asked impatiently.
“Dario.” I began to sob wholeheartedly. I was so ashamed of myself for asking for him, but I wanted desperately for Dario to be with me right then.
Lucian’s nose flared up a tiny bit at the mention of Dario, but he didn’t falter in his comfort of me.
“I don’t know. At his frat house, I guess,” he answered truthfully.
“Call him for me, please,” I requested.
“Forget about it, Grace. You almost got killed.” He shook his head vehemently.
I cried harder. I was so broken.
“Sometimes we make mistakes, Grace. Don’t beat yourself over this. Be thankful that you’re alive. You are a very special girl. Don’t you know that already? A guy like Dario doesn’t deserve you— ever,” Lucian said emphatically.
“He said he felt for me. He said we could have another baby. He wants to be with me,” I told Lucian everything in the hope that my recounting the conversation with Dario would give me reassurance.
Lucian refused to feed my hopes in regard to Dario. He stayed silent and steady. Just then, my cell phone rang and Lucian picked up. I was too weak emotionally to even sit.
“Hello?” Lucian answered forcefully.
“This is Lucian.” I heard him say.
“I’m doing what you could never do for her, bastard!” Lucian barked into the phone.
“Leave her alone! She’s too weak to deal with this right now, Dario.”
At the mention of Dario’s name, I grabbed the phone from Lucian’s hands, but Lucian had hung up on him already.
“Grace,” Lucian started sadly. “You need to get away from him, sweetheart.”
“No. I love him and he loves me,” I frantically said.
“There’s no kind of love that is worth what just happened today, Grace.” Lucian looked at me dead on.
A scream of sheer torment escaped my mouth and I threw whatever I found near the bed at Lucian. I didn’t need him reminding me of how guilty I was for killing my baby. Of what a horrible person I was.
“What happened is our business and I believe him when he says that he loves me. We’ll have another baby later on. I thought you were my friend, Lucian.” I looked at him in an accusatory manner.
“Other people love you, too, Grace,” Lucian said. “That guy will only bring heartache to your life. Like right now. You almost died Grace. You deserve better.” Lucian stood
up and complied with my request for him to leave. He didn’t call to see how I was doing in the days to come, either. It was Laura who came to pick me up at the hospital.
Chapter 9: Void
In fact, Lucian didn’t try to force his presence on me after that day. I knew that he wasn’t rejecting me for what I had done. He just gave me space. Lucian always seemed to know what I needed. I, in turn, let it remain so. Besides, the doctors explained to me upon discharge, how serious it had all been. I had lost so much blood that Lucian had to donate some to save my life.
It was probably all too much for one person to handle, even Lucian. My almost perfect life had taken an ominous turn and I needed to retreat within myself.
Dario did continue to come around, but not as often as before. He never once asked me if I was okay even though Laura had filled him in on all the gruesome details. As soon as I was well enough to do so according to his assessment, we resumed our physical relationship. This time I was more the wiser, and I used birth control. When graduation came around, I was back in the relationship with Dario in full force. Dario made me forget my sadness. As long as we were together, everything felt better. It was probably all for the best.
I organized a surprise graduation party for him at our place. Laura and I scurried around the apartment with last minute decorations as the doorbell rang and our guests started to poor in. We had hired a DJ for the occasion wanting for it to be a memorable night before everyone went away for the summer. Dario and I planned to stay at my apartment and work through the summer. It had been a long time since I’d gone back home and I thought it would be the perfect time to cement my relationship with him.
When the guest of honor arrived and we all jumped out from our hiding places, I noticed that he wasn’t looking as upbeat as he should for a party. Much less, for the start of the summer and our first experience living together, even if it would be temporary.
Nevertheless, Dario put on his game face and partook in the celebration. It was only later when we were recovering from the wild night, alone on the couch that his tone took on a serious tinge.
