by R. Rodriguez
Lucian had been right, though. Dario had abandoned me without as much as a backward glance. He had used me as long as he could and then left. He didn’t keep any of his promises. But, Lucian… Lucian was a constant in my life. He had been since he saved me the first time. And now he was here. And even though, I had avoided him as much as he had avoided me and I wasn’t quite sure how he had ended up here, I was glad he was. I was extremely glad that he was. I wanted nothing more than to see him and feel his reassuring presence.
I had realized that Lucian wasn’t only crucial to me for the security he gave me, but because I cared for him. He was necessary to me as the air I breathed. I forgot about going to bed and rushed downstairs to where the voices were coming from. It was Lucian, indeed and it was surreal to see him standing in my childhood home.
Lucian was a part of my new life. My adult life. I had never introduced him to my family because I didn’t even have a relationship with my family. I had talked to my dad about him, though. It must’ve been Dad.
The impact of seeing him in talking to my dad and mom took my breath away, but the look in his eyes dampened my excitement. It was pure ice as he retreated to regard me. I flinched inwardly at the coldness in his gaze stunned me.
“Lucian.” was all I managed to get out.
“Grace,” he simply acknowledged.
“Grace Elizabeth, dear. Wherever were you hiding this charming man?”
My mother’s face wasn’t showing just a glint of pride, she was absolutely beaming. It was an effect Lucian had on women of all ages. I had seen it before. I seemed to be the only one that was immune to his unworldly attractiveness.
“Come in, come in.” I saw my dad ushering Lucian and his small suitcase in with a look of satisfaction. It was as if Lucian’s presence confirmed to my mom that everything that she had doubted about me since I was a little girl was wrong.
It hurt to see the look on my dad’s face. If he only knew that my mom had always been right. I was the bad seed. I was the one that had turned out wrong. If he only knew what I had just done he wouldn’t look so proud of me. And Lucian… Lucian was everything a father would want for his daughter; only he wasn’t anything other than my friend. I guess both of my parents were suffering from wishful thinking. But, my mom… My mom was beside herself. She apparently had interrogated him in the five minutes that it took for him to get in the door.
I was befuddled as to why he was here and how he had found me.
“I took the liberty of inviting him, Grace,” my dad announced. “I wanted to surprise you.”
“Thanks, Dad.” I actually couldn’t feel happier about having Lucian here, but I was apprehensive as to how the week would play out since we hadn’t spoken to each other for so long.
“It’s no problem, Thomas,” my mom quickly interjected before I said anything. “Here, let me show you where you’ll be staying.”
To my surprise, Mom ushered Lucian up to the guest room. The same guest room that I was occupying. “Oh, Grace Elizabeth, I moved your things into Jane’s room. We don’t want our guest to be uncomfortable, do we?”
Apparently I always got the short end of the stick with my mom, even where Lucian was concerned. I saw Lucian follow my mom and quickly come out again to meet me.
“Thank you very much, Mrs. Coventry. Yes, I will be very comfortable,” Lucian assured my mom. I seriously doubted that my house could compare to Lucian’s sky rise apartment any time in this lifetime, but Lucian was always gracious and not pretentious about what he had.
“Well, we won’t get in your way any longer, dears. I fixed a plate just for you, Lucian. Grace Elizabeth, be a dear and warm it up for him.” I gladly took on the task of fetching Lucian’s meal while that permitted me to avoid facing him as my parents bade him a good night.
I was placing an extra glass of wine next to Lucian’s plate on a corner of the still decorated dining room table when I felt him come in. I closed my eyes before addressing him. I wanted so badly to feel Lucian’s affection again, not the coldness I had seen in his eyes when he eyed me earlier.
“Lucian… I’m so sorry about what happened,” I mumbled awkwardly.
Lucian didn’t say a word. He simply came and sat down. I followed his example and sipped my wine slowly.
“Grace. Just…” he waved offhandedly. “Just let it go. It’s all fine.”
But, it didn’t feel that way anymore. It didn’t feel like Lucian believed in me anymore. He seemed disillusioned by me and he had every right to be.
“How did you ever end up here?” I asked.
“As your dad said, he invited me. I gladly came,” he simply explained as he ate.
He apparently had an appetite. He stuffed his mouth so full that he couldn’t utter a word so I sat in silence as he concentrated on eating. Soon enough, his plate was empty, and he couldn’t evade me anymore.
“It was a long drive. I didn’t stop to eat. I wanted to get here as soon as I could,” he said in an explanatory manner while he settled back in his chair. And with that statement Lucian let me know that he still cared about me. That he would rush to wherever, if I needed him, despite his cold demeanor.
I decided not to press the conversation with him. He helped me put the plates in the dishwasher and I led him towards the family room afterwards so that we could get more comfortable and relaxed. Maybe as we relaxed, we could let our guards down and actually have a much overdue conversation.
Miraculously, I wasn’t feeling as tired as I did after tucking Rose into bed. It was as if a burst of renewed energy surged through me by being with Lucian. I couldn’t believe he was sitting in my childhood home and that he had just eaten my mom’s famous Stroganoff.
Thankfully Lucian began the conversation because I was unwilling to begin broaching the subject.
“So, how are things with… Dario?” he inquired cautiously without looking at me.
I was ashamed to admit to him that he had been right. I was ashamed to admit my failure at keeping love.
“Oh. He went back to Argentina,” I said quietly. Lucian studied my face and grabbed my hand that was resting next to his on the sofa.
“It’s over,” I said feebly.
“I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you, Grace. I really am, but I can’t say that I’m not happy that bastard is out of your life. He wasn’t good enough for you,” he said seriously, looking into my eyes.
Every one of his words rang true in my spirit, but I still missed the time I spent with Dario. I missed feeling desired and loved. I missed belonging to someone. It offered solace from all of the responsibilities I had in life.
“It’s fine. I mean, what did I expect? I hardly knew the guy, really,” I reasoned.
“You should expect everything you deserve, Grace. Don’t feel sorry for having expectations from someone who seems interested in you. Just, be careful who you give your heart to, sweetheart.” Lucian kissed my hand and stared into my eyes. How did Lucian manage to have so much wisdom as such a young age?—I wondered.
I looked up at him and sensed something different in the air between us. I didn’t know if it had been all of the confidences that we had shared or if the wine had affected me. The dimness of the lights and the quiet of the house made me feel like we were in a capsule. All alone with no one around to see us. To hear us. To disturb us. To disturb us from what?! I told myself sternly.
This was Lucian. I stared back at him and felt that I was in a trance. Lucian seemed to sense it, too. The strange force that was pulling us closer and closer. I began to lean automatically towards him. Towards his delicious familiar smell. Towards his beautiful adoring face. Towards his lips that were slightly parted as if ready to receive mine. Closer and closer we leaned into each other. Boy! That was some good wine. Just when I set myself to mend the slight distance between Lucian and me, I heard a quick shuffling behind us. It startled me and made me stop in my tracks. I spotted Rose standing by the entryway of the family room.
“Aunt Gwacie
?” Her little voice reverberated from the door.
I stood up quickly to gather her in my arms and to force myself to create some distance from the danger that was Lucian to me right now.
“Yes, sweetheart. What happened? Why aren’t you in bed?” I said softly.
“I’m thirsty. You forgot to put my water next to my bed like Gwandma does,” adorable Rose simply explained.
“This is Rose, Lucian,” I whispered turning to show my lovely niece to him. She was obviously half asleep.
“Who is he? Is he your baby’s daddy?” Rose said in her innocence.
Her words echoed in my head. My knees buckled and my heart ached.
“No, no, Rose. I don’t have a baby.”And in truth I didn’t … anymore
“He’s my friend, Lucian,” I whispered in her ear.
“Hello, Aunt Gwacie’s fwiend.” Rose’s tiny voice greeted Lucian.
“Hello, sweetheart.” Lucian’s endearment for me sounded even sweeter towards Rose and it made my heart bleed for my lost baby. What if my baby was going to be a little girl, like Rose? What if she looked like her? How many nights would she be thirsty and need me, like Rose? I never gave her the chance.
Lucian seemed to sense my distress because he filled the silence.
“I’ll go get her water, Grace. Why don’t you bring her up to bed?” he offered. “Where’s her room?”
“It’s the one across from yours,” I managed to croak.
I climbed the stairs with Rose clinging to me tightly. I tucked her into bed again and stroked her hair. Lucian was soon handing me her water. He lingered as I gave a sip of water to my niece. She quickly went back to sleep. I made sure I put the glass exactly where she told me to.
There weren’t many words between me and Lucian at that moment, but he knew what I was thinking and quickly came to gather me in his arms before I crumpled down. I felt faint. I felt dizzy. As hard as I tried to put everything in the back of my mind. I wasn’t able to. I had to tell him. I had to tell someone.
Lucian led me quietly out of Rose’s room and closed her door.
“I’m still hurting, Lucian,” I confessed to his neck.
“I know. I know, Grace.” Lucian smoothed my hair down as he comforted me.
“How do I get over this?” I searched his eyes for an answer. Lucian always seemed to have the answer that appeased me, but he hesitated with his answer.
“Grace, you may well never get over this,” Lucian said pointedly.
“It’ll get easier with time, but you may never entirely get over it.”
I looked up at Lucian and pleaded with my eyes for a different answer.
Lucian placed his forehead on mine and I felt his warmth envelop me. I felt his peace. I realized suddenly, how much Lucian meant to me. There it was again, the feeling that I wanted to stay close to him. That I didn’t want to let go of him. That I had missed him dearly when he was gone. That it felt good to be in his arms. That I could count on him. That I had someone who loved me.
“Lucian.” I looked up into his eyes searchingly. “Stay with me, tonight.”
Lucian looked into my eyes with a silent question.
He decided to make light of my request.
“I’ll stay with you gladly, Grace. But what about your family?” he said, gesturing to my parents’ room with his head.
“They won’t mind,” I reasoned. “I mean, Mom already thinks we’re together. Placing me in my sister’s room was just a formality. My mom will expect for us to get together, anyway.”
“Are you sure?” Lucian asked this question about me. About what I was about to get into with him. It was probably the most serious that I’d ever seen Lucian. I knew that once I took this road, I couldn’t go back to being just friends with Lucian. That he wasn’t a guy to take things lightly. He wasn’t someone to pass the time with. He was the kind of guy who stuck around, a guy who cherished you. Who made you his from the heart, not just in words.
“Yes.” And in truth I wasn’t sure what I was asking of Lucian, but I took the chance anyway.
Lucian understood what I needed, though. He didn’t force himself on me like another man would. He simply molded his warm body to my own in the still of the night and held me tight. The blue hue of Jane’s still intact fish tank in the room illuminated his beautiful face in front of mine and I couldn’t help but gaze at Lucian as he looked back at me. He stroked my back softly until he drifted off to sleep. I was confused by what I was beginning to feel for him. I refused to believe the tension in my body at his nearness.
It was me that broke the unspoken pact we had as friends. I couldn’t help myself. I neared my face to his until I felt his breath mix with mine. It was surprisingly intoxicating. I closed my eyes suppressing the burning in my eyes that indicated the onset of tears. Inexplicable tears. And I was successful, but when I opened my eyes again, I realized that my trembling had awoken Lucian. I closed my eyes again as I bridged the short distance between us and grazed his lips with mine.
Lucian didn’t hesitate. His lips parted mine and I latched on to them desperately. Lucian’s kiss was unforgettable. In it were mixed the years of friendship between us, the secrets we shared that caused us pain and the undeniable love that existed between us as best friends.
I stirred from my deep sleep to snuggle next to Lucian, sometime near dawn, judging from the light that seeped through the window, but I was startled to feel the emptiness next to me. I sat up at the feel of the cold sheets under my seeking hands and looked around. He had gone. Lucian was gone.
I got up to sneak into the guest room, thinking that he had been a victim of decorum. He probably didn’t want my parents to find us together. I opened the door slowly and was surprised to see that it was too, empty. Lucian’s stuff wasn’t even there. He had gone. Lucian had gone altogether. I must’ve been making a ruckus because my dad stepped out into the dark hallway. He seemed like an apparition, and that stunned me, but he finally spoke.
“Grace. What’s going on?”
“Lucian’s gone,” I simply mumbled.
“Who?” My dad seemed puzzled.
“Lucian,” I repeated.
My dad nodded and led me back to bed.
“It’s only been a dream, dear. Only a bad dream,” He assured me as he tucked me into bed like I had done with Rose just a few hours before.
I remained as still as a statue in bed. Waiting to wake up because I knew that what I had experienced with Lucian couldn’t have been a dream. And it most definitely wasn’t a bad dream. It had been the best experience of my life. Yet, it didn’t seem to have been real.
I resigned myself to it having been a dream by the next day, when there was still no trace of Lucian and he wasn’t even mentioned. My mom would not have forgotten Lucian. Rose would remember to mention my friend. Dad would’ve called him down to get to know him better. Lucian hadn’t been here. It was a given that it hadn’t happened. It was nothing like I’d experienced between us in real life. It was silly for me to have played into a dream so much. Lucian was gone, but from my life. And I realized how much it hurt. It hurt more than not having Dario. I’d make sure I’d get in touch with him when I went back home.
On my last morning my mother prepared the breakfast table out on the patio. This was my favorite Sunday activity as a child. I loved to welcome the day replenishing my body with the morning feast she liked to prepare out in the open where I could smell the dewy grass and the morning sunshine soaking the earth.
My dad didn’t let me off the hook easily. He had obviously become worried about my sleepwalking incident a few nights before.
“So, Grace. What was that all about, hon?” he inquired.
I merely shrugged my shoulders, trying to avoid talking to the one person that knew me the best, after Lucian.
“What finally convinced you to come back home?” he persisted in his inquiry.
“It was long overdue, I guess, Dad.” I maintained my position of withholding information.
“Oh, come on, deary, I love the fact that you are with us, but something must’ve of happened for you to want to spend your summer with the likes of us. We’re not particularly any Fourth of July.” He continued to drill me with his eyes.
“It’s just home, Dad. I needed to come home.” My dad didn’t look anywhere near satisfied with my answer so I finally decided to regale him with the PG version of the truth.
“Okay, Dad. It’s really not important. I fell in love. I got my heart broken. End of story.”
“With that Lucian guy you mentioned?” he inquired further.
“Oh, no, no. Lucian is just a friend. He’s my best friend,” I explained.
“This best friend of yours seems to be really important to you, Grace.” My dad, ever discreet, decided to let me off the hook temporarily.
“He is.”
“Well…I know you didn’t ask, but you know I’m gonna tell it to you anyway. It happens, darling. Love happens and heartbreak, too. Just set your sights on someone more like you next time. Remember, there is no such thing as a bad person in a relationship, just bad compatibility between people.”
It had been the right decision to come home. I took my dad’s advice to heart. I couldn’t help thinking about Lucian on the long bus ride back to Chicago.
Chapter 11: Discovery
My dream about Lucian was a certain indication that I needed to get back in touch with him and it needed to be immediately. I missed him too much. I was afraid of his reaction, though, so I stopped myself from calling him immediately. He hadn’t made any attempts to get in touch with me during the whole summer either. In the end, my cowardice got the best of me and I didn’t get in touch with him when I got back to school. I didn’t know how he’d react.
I decided to concentrate on getting my life back on track. It was my senior year after all. I knew I shouldn’t dwell on my misgivings with Dario. In addition, I was afraid at what I would feel once I saw Lucian again. My dream had been extremely vivid.
